Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

I told my parents that if they wanted to blow the last of their money on a world trip, they should go for it. It's their money, they earned it.

Mandrake you have done all you can . Your husband has your full support and love. And that's all he needs. We all get to a stage where we have to say enough. Those that do the estranging don't care how much they hurt us. It's all about them. They think they can win by their behaviour but in the end they are the losers.

Both my children always said they didn't expect any inheritance. Which did put my mind at rest. My nan always said when she died there wouldn't be any money to leave. She had what where called penny policies . When she died they paid out and all 5 of her children had £100 each. Which they all put towards her funeral. My nan was 89 and died on my son's 13th birthday.

Smiles I thought both my dad and husband getting caught up in traffic jams,me getting locked out of the house and my cousin having to climb through my brother's bedroom window to get my keys, then mom only arriving 10 mins before the car arrived to take her to the church. Quickest my mom ever got ready. Then the wedding before ours refused to leave the church as it was pouring with rain . So my husband and brother got soaked. But the vicar made then leave. Then the photographer took to long over the photos and I was 10 mins late entering the church. And finally everyone just got into the church hall for the reception before it hailed.
All that is nothing compared to what happened to you. But at least you got married and are still together. ?.

Don't forget it's the postal strike today and tomorrow.

That was a very selfless decision Suzil. You and your son are very brave to make such a painful decision for their benefit.

DSL - None of us have a right to an inheritance if our parents need or want to spend it first. Sure, it's helpful if it happens, but it shouldn't be an expectation. Some people do have an entitlement attitude to it though, don't they?

Smiles - Congratulations on the wedding anniversary. 42 years is great!

I haven't been opening this thread recently. Everything is quiet here. I don't want to discuss on the open forum right at this point but a few weeks ago I had prepared a short and friendly letter to send to MIL with photos. She has since made it clear that contact is not welcome, so I deleted the letter. I think that's the end, unless she has a change of heart. I'll be led by my husband and his wishes but I believe we are completely done now. My heart hurts for him.

Suzil. I think both your son and yourself have been absolutely selfless in putting the children needs before your own. A very real and obviously a very painful sacrifice for both of you, but truly heroic of your son.

From what you've said I think it's highly likely that one day the children will reconnect with you.

So that's why in your words you chickened out Suzil, you thought that you would be judged for giving up. Your son with your support and understanding has acted selflessly, as have you.

You've put the welfare and happiness of those children above your own, so be proud of him and yourself and please post here whenever you feel the need too.

As Whiff has said there are many years of support, advice, understanding and friendship here for all that need it. You are not alone .

Thanks DSL. We had a lovely meal out this evening with a rather expensive but very nice bottle of wine.

Suzil your son is a brilliant dad he put his children first as much as it hurt him and you.

I always say I have 5 grandson's but never see 3 as my son decided he didn't want his mom in his or their lives. People ask me why and honestly say that I don't know. Which is true. I know what he wrote in his email and letter but none of that explained the real reason.

I never hide the fact I am estranged but only able to because of the support I got from Smiles and all on the support thread back in 2020.

It takes courage to post and admit what has happened to you and your family. Your grandsons are getting older and have minds of their own they are not blind to their mom and how she acts and what she says. She can't control them forever a lesson she will soon learn.

Some people have made out the support thread is grandparents bashing their estranged children it isn't. It was started a long time ago and is still here. And needed more than ever. Finally estrangement is coming out of the shadows it's to long been a taboo subject.

But there is many years of support,advice ,understanding and friendship here for all that need it. And I will never regret reaching out to Smiles via PM. Without everyone's experiences I don't know what I would have done. Hope you feel the same and post how you feel when you need to. ?

Smiles......oooops. Missed your anniversary, sending you belated love and very best wishes. ?

Thanks for reading and understanding I am always fearful that people may think we all just gave up. The decision was and remains that we truly thought it best for the boys. Like you have all said we hope that when they get older they may seek us out. We all live within 20 mins of each other. I think the answer of saying yes we have 2GC but are estranged is the way to go. Once again thanks everyone I am feeling a little better after reading your response x

Thanks Madgran and you're right. We should never deny the existence of our GC; why should we.

Hello Suzil and welcome to our support thread, but of course we all wish that the circumstances that have brought you here, weren't happening.

Having decided against posting a year ago, I'm glad that you've managed it this time. It isn't easy posting her for the first time. Estrangement is such a personal and painful experience, it takes courage to share as we can all attest too.

What a courageous and loving thing to do, to make these children's home life easier by sacrificing a relationship with them. They have an amazing dad in your son and I hope that one day they'll be able to have a relationship with him and you.

Answering that question is hard I know but we've found that being honest is the way to go. We say we have GC but because we've been estranged by our son, we don't see them. You could say that for the sake of your GC you and their father don't have contact.

I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be to have lost the GC you knew for 12 and 9 years. We were spared that pain as we never really knew our eldest and have never met the youngest.

I echo what Allsort's has said; I don't know how people like her sleep at night. The fact that some parents are prepared to use their children as weapons, pawns in this horrible game they play is incomprehensible.

Those of us who post here regularly know how awful it is to be denied our GC and for you to know that your son is also separated from his children must make it twice as painful.

Thanks Allsorts, as you say it was a good decision all those years ago .

Smileless belated congratulations on 42 years!

Suzi I am so sorry about the situation that you, your husband and your son find yourselves in. How brave of your son to make that decision to avoid what was happening to your grandsons.

I hope that as time goes on your grandsons may seek you all out. They were old enough to remember the conversation with their father and some happy times with you.

In the meantime, I think it is good to acknowledge their existence to others if you can, as they ARE still your grandsons.

Congratulations Smileless and husband on your 42nd wedding anniversary. A good decision all those years ago.
Suzie, I feel for you, perhaps in the future the boys will connect with their father and you. When they have learnt more about life they will recognise their mother for what she is. It must be truly awful for your son, his ex isn’t considering her boys at all, it’s all about control. I bet she tells a lot of lies to justify what she does, they are good at that. Eventually truth will out. Meanwhile you both are missing out on a very special relationship, children need their fathers not to think they are not wanted, I don’t know how people like her sleep at night.

How do I begin

I posted a year or so ago then chickened out of following it through.
I have been estranged from from grandsons for just over three years now. They are my sons boys and I have a very good relationship with him. He also does not see his boys. This was a decision we took as a family to put the boys first. This is where I struggle. The relationship between my soon and his partner was not good and I believe her to be a narcissist. She lied about so many things cancer she even told us she was dying then a fake pregnancy. Which she assured us resulted in a still birth. After my son left social services became involved and through them we learnt that there had never been a baby or a pregnancy or has she had cancer. The courts give him custody of the boys two nights on three weeks and five nights on the fourth week . He kept this arrangement until the boys told him they didn’t want to see him or myself and hubby. They got wrong if they went home and said they had a good time. I can’t begin to tell you all the things she did to make the arrangements difficult but believe me when I say it was not any easy decision to make. My son set them down and explained that the most important thing was their happiness and that if they didn’t want to see him or us then he wouldn’t make them.
3 years on and I still miss them so much how do others cope with this???
The boys are now 15 coming up 16 and the youngest is 12.
Sorry for the long rant. What do
You say when asked if you have grandchildren I feel I can’t lie and say no but it hurts to say I have but don’t have any contact with them
Thanks for reading this

Morning everyone and thanks for your congratulations.

A disaster was averted on our wedding day Whiff. Mr. S. got a call from the vicar on the day telling him that the banns hadn't been read at the church in the parish I was living in, so without a special licence, our marriage wouldn't be legal .

Bearing in mind the wedding was at 11.30 am, they did a 45 mile round trip to the registry office to get the licence. I knew nothing about it until our wedding reception thank goodness. Can you imagine the state I'd have been in if I'd know before?

It makes me so angry the way people who are genuine recipients of financial help are often treated, when we know that many claim and receive assistance they're not entitled too. Will be keeping fingers crossed until you find out about your claim.

It is strange isn't it, how children brought up the same can be so totally different when they become adults. I was going to say 'when they grow up' but emotionally I don't think our EAC have grown up. What a lovely thing for your DD to say .

Why can't you exchange today hugs? How frustrating, 'so near yet so far' springs to mind. It's horrible when you're living surrounded by boxes, but hopefully it wont be long now.

Of course we don't want out EAC to fall out with their siblings but it is hard knowing that they're spending time with them and our GC, and we have no contact at all.

A few years ago we asked our DS not to talk about his brother or the children unless it's something that he's upset or worried about, and apart from the very occasional brief mention, he doesn't for which we are very thankful.

I certainly wouldn't want to see photo's of them, too painful and I'm not surprised you were left feeling wobbly hugs.

Particularly hard for you Yogin as your son's living with you so it must be a little easier with the contact being more sporadic.

Choir practice went well last night and our choir master was quite complimentary which doesn't happen very often . He's very good at getting the best out of us and it's looking good for the concert on the 17th.

Looking forward to our meal out this evening. 42 years ago today, we were on our way to catch the ferry to take us to Ireland for our honeymoon. Wonderful memories .

That would upset me too Huggs My DD is cut out too, but I have thought if they reconnected, I would find it very hard. My son isn't officially cut out but has only seen them once or twice since he moved back to live with me same amount of phone calls.

Good luck with the PIP Whiff
That's awful about your husband DSL, The system really is awful, but nobody should have to go through that. Congrats on the weightloss.
"Allsorts* and Spring20 - I don't know about you but I can usually tell the difference between someone being genuinely apologetic that it's been too long due to being busy and a fob off.

Congratulations and Happy Anniversary Mr and Mrs smiles.

Another quick visit from me. My life is now 90% in boxes. We were supposed to exchange today - but not happening. Now we wait with baited breath to see if we're arranging a new date or not.
Feeling a bit wobbly too. Pics of my ES all over DDs social media from their get-together at the weekend. Obviously I know they meet at times, and I'm glad they do, and they have no need to tell me about it, but it's always a bit of a sock in the teeth to suddenly see all the photos unexpectedly.
Urgh 'burden' diamondlily - wow that's so horrible. The entitlement that the inheritance shouldn't be touched to make someone's last years bearable. I get that life is tough for us all at times, and we struggle to juggle time and finances, but to blame it on someone who needs care and brand them a burden. It makes me so cross.

I am so glad you have a lovely DD whiff But, I'm sorry it makes the contrast all the more painful.

Congratulations on your 42nd wedding anniversary Smiles and Mr S ???. I still remember everything about our wedding day. And it always makes me smile so many things went wrong that day but the wedding and reception was perfect. Did anything go wrong on your wedding day?

DerbyshireLass well done with the weight lose. I weight myself everyday but only count what I weigh on a Sunday morning in the buff. As my weight changes daily.

Allsorts like others have said you are sounding more positive and stronger long may it continue.

DerbyshireLass went to a DLA tribunal years ago when my husband was alive it was awful and of course didn't get anything. Both the PIP and MRN decisions refused me. But had the SSCS1 benefit appeal form yesterday which means PIP should have had their notification. Just got to wait until PIP sent me the bundle. Contacted the Brain Charity yesterday to say I had it and the lady I am dealing with phoned this morning. Once I have the bundle will have an appointment to see her and she will fill everything in for me. Then it will just be a case of waiting. But waited 34 years few months isn't going to make any difference.

Went to Dunelm with my daughter and grandson after they took his brother to his first day of school. Some how energy costs got mentioned and I said I would have to be very careful about having heating on over the winter. She said not to worry about that as she would give me money for my heating. I told her no . But she said I had to tell her if I needed help . I could have cried. How can 2 children brought up the same be so different.

One doesn't care if I live or die and the other is offering me money so I don't go cold. Breaks my heart.

Congratulations Smiles I do envy you.
sorry no pasta on the menu here

Allsorts Yes that saying A daughter's your daughter all of your life didn't apply to us did it

I second what DSL has said Allsorts. One of the hardest things about estrangement is coming to terms with what our EAC have done, accepting that this is down to them and because of that, there's nothing we can do about it.

As you say DSL there's 'nowt so queer as folk' and your d.i.l.'s recent behaviour demonstrates that estrangement is not what she's after. She wants you dancing to her tune and if you're no longer a part of their lives she can't control you. Of course, she can't control you anyway can she.

Well I've been reminiscing this morning as today is our 42nd Wedding Anniversary and I can still remember every single detail of the wonderful day I became Mrs. S.

In some ways I can't believe we've been married for so long, but when I think of all that we've seen, done and been through both good and bad, we needed 42 years to fit it all in!!!

Going to our favourite Italian tomorrow to celebrate.

DSL - congrats on the weight loss, and hope it works out with your son and family.

All pretty quiet her, which is nice. Had a slightly edgy conversation last night with eldest SS - not estranged, but never bothers with his Dad.

He was moaning at me about the "burden" his mother is. As she's spent weeks in hospital or care homes, which no one has phoned or visited, I queried what the burden was exactly. ?

Apparently, he's fed up with agencies phoning, trying to sort out funding etc., I told him it's easy at the moment, wait until he has to go down that road of stress about NHS funding/or not.?

If the NHS won't fund her (which they probably won't), he's got to sell her home, or the council to put a charge on it - the usual thing.

He doesn't see why he should lose his inheritance.?

Jeez, some of these ACs do make me laugh. He wants none of the hassle but all of the money.

I got a bit abrupt, he made it clear he wouldn't be visiting his dad in the near future (too busy), and I said, that's fine, we're really busy anyway....then there was a pause.

I don't know if he expected me to plead for him to visit DH, but, quite honestly, I'm done with all the self serving thoughtlessness,?

Anyway, all have a nice day.?

Wow. Allsorts you are sounding so much stronger and so much more positive. You sound as if you have reached what psychologists call "Radical Acceptance". It's a crucial part of our healing journey. It's only when we truly accept our reality that we can then start to move forwards. And I see this in you now.

Yes estrangement or even just the threat of it does undermine our confidence. It certainly affected mine but I can feel mine slowly coming back. Gradually I'm becoming what I used to be, rediscovering myself. It's a good feeling.

Tremendous storm here last night. Very dramatic. More predicted for tonight.

Another 1/2lb weight loss this morning. Now at 5.6lbs. Aiming for that magic half stone by next Monday.

Here's a funny thing. Now that I no longer make any attempt to engage with DIL or initiate contact, basically just leaving her to her own devices , she has now started sending me nice texts, photos of grandchildren.

Nowt so queer as folk. Lol

Spring I must say I think it's expectations that cause many problems. As I said previously the people I know have very good contact with their children, so I thought it's me out of step, particularly as estranged from one, once a son in particular marries, the wife has the greatest influence and as women are usually close to their mothers, not so in my case, it can cause problems. I text my dil and we meet up independently, enjoy each other's company, but it's now and then whereas she's in daily contact with her her family and does more with. I could never say anything as I would lose out big time and have no problems really as I love my dil and it's only natural she wants her own family more. I, like Yoga thought I had that close relationship with my daughter but look how thats ended for us both. That has affected my confidence and I think I tended to compare myself,with others.I'm only just accepting it's not me, that things can't change, indeed it's solely up to me to be responsible for my happiness and life. I like having someone to care for and care for me, as do we all, wenmiss it when it's gone.

I agree being busy can’t be a permanent excuse for our AC, but I wonder if we sometimes need to adjust our expectations. Our non estranged AC are sometimes in touch several times a week, but then there might be a gap of a couple of weeks. I’ve had to train myself not to worry because as others have said, our sensitivity is certainly heightened when one child has estranged us. Sucks doesn’t it!!
So glad Sep and cooler weather is here. Time to reset goals - and start the marathon of losing weight. Just a stone, but I find it so hard!!!

Meant to say Whiff.....good luck with the PIP tribunal. It took me 18 months to get DLA as it was then for my husband. And then only because it went to tribunal.

Picture the scene, my husband, looking for all the world like Stephen Hawkins, strapped into his wheelchair because he could no longer sit unsupported, unable to communicate.

There was a panel of 3 judges. Two men and a woman. I warned my husband in advance how I planned to play it. And he was in agreement.

At first I refused point blank to help them communicate with him. They were floundering and visibly shocked. Eventually I relented and asked them if they would like me to act as a translator......

Needless to say my husband was awarded DLA but it was a very humiliating experience for him. The panel did at least have the good grace to be embarrassed. I felt sorry for them, it wasnt their fault that the system was (and still is) such a screwed up mess. At least he got justice in the end but it was a long fight to get it.

It was the same with CHC (continuing health care) both for my husband and my mother. I fought and fought for them, eventually they did get it but by golly it was frustrating, painful and again deeply humiliating. My mother was granted hers posthumously, 6 weeks after she died.

The system stinks, and yes, it's wide open to abuse but it's the genuine people who get given the brush off whilst the chancers get everything handed on a plate because they know how to manipulate the system to their advantage.

It was only my persistence and sheer bloody mindedness that got me through and ensured my family got what was rightfully theirs BY LAW. Alas not everyone has a battle axe like me fighting their corner so they give up.

You're right Smiles, if DIL had been here my son and I could never have had "the conversation". Anyway. Will just have to wait and see how much good it has done,

I'm going to,join you in the garden with my book.. I e got stacks I could be doing but it's far too nice to be working indoors.

I have just rebooked the celebratory lunch with my now cancer free friend for tomorrow. Looking forward to it.

Maybe the 'deep clean' was an excuse DSL but it gave you and your son the chance to talk and clear the air which has to be a good thing. A conversation that probably wouldn't have taken place had she been there.

I agree that being busy is no excuse for very little or no contact. How long does it take to send a text message? Just a simple hello and I love you is all that's needed and shouldn't be too much to ask.

5lbs in 3 weeks is briliant. Just another 2 to go and you'll have lost half a stone. Slow and steady is the way to go then you've more chance of keeping the weight off.

So sorry that your PIP and MRN decisions are taking so long Whiff. It's good that they're going to a tribunal and have not been dismissed out of hand.

Fingers crossed that you don't get anymore pain flare ups but if you do, you now know that going through your GP should speed things up.

Estrangement heightens our sensitivity without a doubt Allsorts and Yogin. When you've lost once child through estrangement, something you never thought would happen, it's perfectly understandable to worry when you don't hear from your AC for a while.

We worry if we don't hear from DS but that's more to do with him being so far away and that something may have happened that we don't know about. He assures me his work and close friends have our contact details, so if anything was amiss they'd let us know.

We s Face Time most weeks but if a couple go by where we haven't been able to get hold of him, he usually sends a message along the lines of 'just checking in and all's good'.

Glad you've had some quiet days DL, you've certainly earned them.

It's such a lovely day here that I might forego the jobs I was going to do and opt for sitting out on the roof terrace with my book.