I really think I would have made a good grandfather.

DannyD has my admiration either way as it's such a sad situation and he must do what feels right for him.

I just hope you know DannyD it is a choice where you can love everyone and there wouldn't be anything wrong with that

Yes it is a pity if he feels he has to choose between his wife and his AC Chewbacca. If he chooses to put his wife first, he has my admiration too Norah.

No worries

Oh dear, I used pejorative instead of prerogative. Changes the meaning of my answer, sorry.

Norah

I simply gave differing opinions to how I read the post. As Chewbacca noted, opinions are allowed. As is reading of the OP content, truly parsing the written words.

OK, to me OP sounded sad and like he needed support so I've given it and I hope things improve for him

I find it admirable to put his wife first.

As do I. It's just a pity he's been put in the position of having to choose between his son and family and his wife.

I simply gave differing opinions to how I read the post. As Chewbacca noted, opinions are allowed. As is reading of the OP content, truly parsing the written words.

Did anyone say it wasn't? It's been said many times before, everyone has their own opinion and they're allowed,within guidelines.

Norah

VioletSky I support OP seeing his children and grandchildren, pretty sure that's allowed

Indeed, I'm sure that is allowed.

However, I have not read anything indicating he was asking support, rather just making some statements with many omitted details.

I supported as well, I find it admirable to put his wife first.

OK, can you please just tell me what it is that you want from me?

I am afraid us giving the same advice is probably off the table but other than that?

VioletSky I support OP seeing his children and grandchildren, pretty sure that's allowed

Indeed, I'm sure that is allowed.

However, I have not read anything indicating he was asking support, rather just making some statements with many omitted details.

I supported as well, I find it admirable to put his wife first.

Norah

VioletSky He is the one asking for support here and I support him seeing his children and grandchildren

I have not read anything that indicated he was asking support, rather just making *some statements with many omitted details (as is his pejorative)

I support OP seeing his children and grandchildren, pretty sure that's allowed

It has been some years since I read it and I've had a migraine today so my memory is hazy at best I just remember being gripped by it and I read it one sitting!

One of the bits that sticks with me is the daughter always having to give in to her mother’s demand that she spend time with her having tea with her mother’s friends. Totally ignored and somewhat frightened.

And the mother and father both convinced that it was a wonderful treat to have her mother take notice of her. Her memories of the ongoing agony of the whole thing. And the adults oblivion and focus on themselves.

The ending shocked me. I didn’t see that coming, did you?

I liked that book too

spare time ?

If people have got a bit of soars time they might like to read the novel “Notes From an Exhibition” by Patrick Gale.

It is fiction but gives a very clear account of a childhood in a family where one parent has mental health problems and the other parent, in supporting her, is in totally denial as to his children’s experiences with their mother and the extent to which both parents require the children to constantly accomodate their mothers needs. The story goes on into their adult lives and how it then impacts on them into their life and relationships.

It was thoroughly researched by talking and listening to peoples experiences.

As I said before, the son was willing to have his parents therefor Christmas so something happened to change that.

I think paying his respects to his nan was unavoidable.
She and my daughter were best friends, and he was old enough to express that he wanted to go.

It's not as if someone strangled a kitten in front of him.

MissAdventure Some parents are very protective of their children in case they "get upset". If that is the case here, then it really is what it is.

None of my daughters like their children or grandchildren upset for any avoidable reason, nor did I. Reasonable I think.

Some parents are very protective of their children in case they "get upset".
If that is the case here, then it really is what it is.

My big grandsons dad didn't want him to come to my mums funeral, in case he got upset. he was overruled

I think he just wants to be a part of all of his children's and GC's lives, something that most of us want. Hopefully the responses here have given some food for thought, perhaps enabling him to decide what he is and is not able or prepared to do going forward.

In any event, this has to be something that his children want too.

I think you were the one jumping!

He was very clear that his wife suffered from from long-standing and ongoing mental health issues and the dementia was an additional new issue.

The sons comments, I think, show that it is something the whole family have had to deal with over the years but you seem to gave focused only on the recent diagnosis of dementia and judged them on that and your own experience.

I just wanted to point out that their experience is likely to have been very different from that of a loving granny who has become confused. Enough to make the son decide that it was not what he wanted his family to have to endure. We don’t know what happened, the OP was unaware. But something did.

Lathyrus

Ah Normandy girl can I point out that none of the very difficult situations with your grandmother involved physical violence towards children or other adults who were less strong than themselves. Or cruelty to small animals.
Nor constant verbal abuse along the lines of how useless your children were, how they should have been aborted or strangled, with gestures to match. Your grandma did frighten an older child into attacking his smaller brother or threaten you with a knife while your children looked on.

You have had experience with dementia but I can’t believe you would have willingly allowed your children to remain in that kind of scenario.

The OPs son invited them for Christmas. At they point they were willing to support and have the OP and his wife in their home. But something happened, bad enough for the parents to say “No more”.

Nowhere in the OP's post did he indicate any violence, verbal or otherwise took place, in fact he said that the he felt the visit had gone really well. That doesn't sound to me that his wife was attacking anyone or threatening anyone with knives etc. Dementia is a progressive illness and very individual in it's symptoms and we have no idea how it is affecting the OP's wife or her behaviour. Not every dementia sufferer is violent or abusive and jumping to that conclusion is pre-emptive.

Georgesgran

It’s a pity DannyD hasn’t responded to the many comments - many constructive and helpful.

Like so many posts recently, the OPs post and never return.

It’s a pity DannyD hasn’t responded to the many comments - many constructive and helpful.