Advice

Jandixie happy 70th birthday ??????.

Have the best day you can and know you have made the right decision about the money . Hope you get spoilt today .

Jandixie hope you had a lovely birthday.

I did have a pretty good birthday. Went to a play. It is kinda funny that when I cut off the 529 a few days ago. I got a birthday message from my daughter-in-law. Just saying she had a killer day at work and sorry she had not texted sooner. Nothing from my son or grandson. Money does strange things to people.

I'm glad you had a pretty good birthday and that at least your d.i.l. sent a text. Not hearing from your son is upsetting I know .

Do you think your DIL sent a message because she'd noticed money hadn't come in? Are you completely sure about that? That seems very quick to notice one missing payment. Maybe coincidence? I certainly hope so!

I'm sure. I wrote and told them that I had stopped the payments, but I would still save but in a different way. I hope that is not the reason. But at this time I have no trust. I think it is better I control the money. When it went to the 529 the parents have control and could take it out with a penalty but still have access to most of it. My purpose his to help my grandson. Reconciliation should not be based on what I give but a true feeling of wanting to work things out. I am not perfect and truly want to hear them. I don't want to defend myself but just truly listen.

If you are right Jandixie, it should just reinforce that you made the right decision. I'm very sorry if that is true.

Well done setting up your account.

Takes away an item of contention, who needs disagreements.

We have been estranged from our oldest daughter for almost a year. We stopped sending birthday and Christmas gifts to her, but continue to send to our granddaughter. We have no idea if she received them. I started a journal for our granddaughter. Should we not send gifts? We have a savings account that we started when she was born. I like the idea of duplicate cards, and keeping one in a memory box. But if we stop sending gifts, we feel like we'll be damned if we do and damned if we don't! Plus we would feel terrible not sending her gifts for her birthday and Christmas. What have others done in a similar situation? We are blessed with two other loving daughters, son in laws, and three grandchildren. So this whole mess is mind boggling and we don't know how to fix it.

Irma, I continued sending cards, however the years have rolled by and we are still estranged. It was a waste of time, she instigated the estrangement and always said there would be no reconciliation. Is there no way you can sort things out before you get where I am. I tried everything but each time I tried she was hateful to me, wanted me upset and alone, so I have no magic cure, somewhere she developed this dislike of me.

Hello Irma, it's a difficult one isn't it, especially as you don't know if your GD receives the gifts you send.

We never sent our GC gifts but cards for their birthdays and at Christmas for about 7 years, we've been estranged for 10 years, and they are our only GC. We always got two cards, sending one and keeping the other for their memory box.

We stopped sending them 3 years ago when we no longer felt the need to do so, so base your decision on how you feel. If continuing to send gifts and cards fills a need, then carry on.

Those of us who are estranged are in a permanent cycle of being damned if we do and damned if we don't. Some EP's continue to reach out with cards for example for years, with no effect. Others like us, never sent our ES anything once we'd been told we were no longer wanted, and that didn't make any difference either.

A memory box left to her in your will, will one day show her that she was loved by you and never forgotten.

The frustrating thing, is she has never said to us that we should stop sending cards or gifts. She has never told us that we are no longer a part of her life. Silence. No response to any of our attempts. We text her on birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Nothing in return. My husband had bypass surgery in 2014. She always reached out to him on the anniversary of the surgery, until last year and this year. Last Christmas she thanked us for the gifts we sent, and sent a picture of our GD opening her gifts. Now nothing. We have no clue what has happened since then!

Well that does make it difficult doesn't it. The only thing I can suggest is that you contact her and ask if it's still OK to send your GD gifts as of course you want to make sure that she's receiving them.

If you do, I would keep it just about gifts for your GD, and not mention anything else.

irma121

The frustrating thing, is she has never said to us that we should stop sending cards or gifts. She has never told us that we are no longer a part of her life. Silence. No response to any of our attempts. We text her on birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Nothing in return. My husband had bypass surgery in 2014. She always reached out to him on the anniversary of the surgery, until last year and this year. Last Christmas she thanked us for the gifts we sent, and sent a picture of our GD opening her gifts. Now nothing. We have no clue what has happened since then!

Sounds to me you have a choice - do what makes you happy send gifts and cards without need of response or quit sending gifts and cards as she is not, seemingly, responding. Just follow her lead, do what makes you content.

It is not rude not to acknowledge anything that would force contact when estranged

If one wishes to be estranged then presumably one won't want that person's money as that is maintaining a connection/reliance on the person one has estranged from
If it is not wanted then why not tell them that it is not acceptable to you and to stop! Silence is likely to prolong the "Agony" of receiving a substantial sum of money one doesn't want!!!!

If you want/are willing to take the money from the person that you are estranged from then acknowledgement is appropriate. At the very least a statement that one is willing to take it and if necessary saying that from now on you won't acknowledge, so it is up to the person you have estranged whether they continue or not.

It is not a total one way street in the estrangement process!

Well said Madgran.

Madgran77

*It is not rude not to acknowledge anything that would force contact when estranged*

If one wishes to be estranged then presumably one won't want that person's money as that is maintaining a connection/reliance on the person one has estranged from
If it is not wanted then why not tell them that it is not acceptable to you and to stop! Silence is likely to prolong the "Agony" of receiving a substantial sum of money one doesn't want!!!!

If you want/are willing to take the money from the person that you are estranged from then acknowledgement is appropriate. At the very least a statement that one is willing to take it and if necessary saying that from now on you won't acknowledge, so it is up to the person you have estranged whether they continue or not.

It is not a total one way street in the estrangement process!

Madgram Are you referencing the 529 money for a child's education? If so, how does a 529 cause "reliance" for the estranged AC?

I have never read of a one way estrangement, Someone does something unforgivable, they become estranged. Understandable.

Someone does something unforgivable, they become estranged. Understandable I'm disappointed to see you post this Norah as I know you've been on GN long enough to know that that isn't always the case.

Sorry but your post is confusing. Not sure of your point.

Smileless2012

^Someone does something unforgivable, they become estranged. Understandable^ I'm disappointed to see you post this Norah as I know you've been on GN long enough to know that that isn't always the case.

I actually said "I have never read of a one way estrangement, Someone does something unforgivable, they become estranged. Understandable."

It's never seemed one way to me as Madgram said It is not a total one way street in the estrangement process

No, somebody does something unforgivable. That I understand.

Well I came here for advice, not to be accused of doing something unforgivable...which is definitely not the case.

Norah: Madgram Are you referencing the 529 money for a child's education? If so, how does a 529 cause "reliance" for the estranged AC?

Presumably it enables a better education for their child. Either way it is providing resources for their child from someone they have chosen to estrange.

I have never read of a one way estrangement, Someone does something unforgivable, they become estranged Understandable

In this context I meant that if one chooses to estrange but is willing to accept resources from them but not communicate about it .. or one's wishes in relation to receiving those resources. ...then it ends up with the estranged person "providing" and the estranger accepting but with silence ..a one way street from to estranged to the estranger. I was not referring to the overall estrangement but to communication and acceptance of gifts/money!!

However, aside from what I was trying to say in this context, it is NOT always the case that someone does something bad and gets estranged because of it. There are many causes of estrangement

Madgran77

*Norah*: Madgram Are you referencing the 529 money for a child's education? If so, how does a 529 cause "reliance" for the estranged AC?

Presumably it enables a better education for their child. Either way it is providing resources for their child from someone they have chosen to estrange.

I have never read of a one way estrangement, Someone does something unforgivable, they become estranged Understandable

In this context I meant that if one chooses to estrange but is willing to accept resources from them but not communicate about it .. or one's wishes in relation to receiving those resources. ...then it ends up with the estranged person "providing" and the estranger accepting but with silence ..a one way street from to estranged to the estranger. I was not referring to the overall estrangement but to communication and acceptance of gifts/money!!

However, aside from what I was trying to say in this context, it is NOT always the case that someone does something bad and gets estranged because of it. There are many causes of estrangement

I thought you were on about the 529 funds for designated children.

I disagree with you about the 529 funds, there is no providing to the estranged adult child in my opinion. No matter.

"Bad" may be poor terminology, unforgivable is perhaps more appropriate as the estranged is not forgiven, it seems.

I suppose I view a benefit to the child as a benefit to the parents and how they bring up their child. But yes we view it differently and no matter.

I understand your point re "unforgivable" as someone is not forgiven it seems. But ofcourse the reasons for estrangement are so varied and every case is different , therefore the perspectives on what is "unforgivable" and "what has been done " will vary, to put it mildly.