The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

oh yes the photos and occasions
all edited to make us look like a happy family

This has affected me very recently as I got given someone else's photographs after their death and the parent who estranged me is on NONE of the ones with me and I mean NONE. It has really made me think about the narrative of oh look how happy we were vs the fact I was frightened and insecure and didn't feel loved and wasn't loved and there is nothing wrong with me. Other people love me. Oh well

Madgran77

*With all self absorbed people, the truth eventually leaks*

I really hope that is true Violet, in terms of someone in my own life

I can see that, from what you describe, your brother is perpetuating the cycle. How sad.

It is... I hate the way he treats his wife and cheats on his wife but he is very clever at what he does and she won't find out for a long time I don't think and definitely wouldn't hear it from me.

Being the family scapegoat, they tell you quite a lot of the truth because they know they have already put in the work to ensure on one will ever believe you.

My brother grew up to be "one of them".

The saddest thing is that actually, he achieved something I couldn't... being loved, wanted and accepted for who he is by his parents.

But he has no idea what price he paid

Coercive relationships can happen with people who had perfectly happy childhoods

I should have added to that ..."as they can and sometimes do attest if and when they get out of the coercive relationship and estrange from that relationship - be it partner, parent or AC".

I laughed at that a bit bibbity

My mother has said many times " You had a lovely childhood, we went on holiday every year"

That is almost true, for 1 week a year, they were always happy and fun to be around. The camera was always out. The photo albums would be updated.

I lived for that 1 week a year

And she unknowingly admits that every time she says it

With all self absorbed people, the truth eventually leaks

I really hope that is true Violet, in terms of someone in my own life

I can see that, from what you describe, your brother is perpetuating the cycle. How sad.

The problem I find is who is the one making the statement that the childhood was good. Or the relationship was good.

Because only 1 person in that scenario can actually make that statement as a fact.

Before I estranged, I hadn't had a lot of contact from my brother and only really heard from him when he wanted something or wanted to show off about something.

I made excuses for years really. I now realise he is just incredibly self absorbed.

He came at me hard after the estrangement.

With all self absorbed people, the truth eventually leaks.

He said "I just need you to sort it out with mum because I am sick of her going on at me about it"

It was all about himself for him.

He doesn't even like them that much, given the abusive behaviours he described over the years as they impacted him, it becomes obvious their behaviour is only a problem if it affects him.

If we couple that with the fact that he behaves in similar ways to get his own needs me and so excuses their behaviour and his own against me....

He feels at liberty to perpetuate that behaviour himself.

I think he sees himself as so special and important that only his own feelings and needs matter.

Thus he is one that perpetuates the cycle

As to others entering the equation, I think if you have always been treated badly from babyhood upwards, you are more accepting of the behaviour because you don't really know much different. As you reach a more mature age and meet someone who has experienced a much different childhood, you start to see how things can and should be done. This moves you towards estrangements when you try to put down boundaries and the parent won't accept them. Then when you decide that there is no solution and make the decision to estrange, the third party gets the blame

Yes that can be the case icanhandthemback but not in every case. Different scenarios can bring about similar outcomes. Coercive relationships can happen with people who had perfectly happy childhoods. Coercion is subtle and very clever.

I agree that the signs are very clear when you can see the truth it's a sad fact of life that it can take so long to be able to see it and we can at least be thankful when we eventually can.

Bibbity

As I said. Some people like to blame third parties but it is clear that it is not the third party that caused the estrangement

You are so right.

This article is for those realising the truth of their own parent and understanding how hard estranging can be.

I so agree about how finding good relationships as an adult can really help highlight abuse for adult children and help them finally walk away.

Not only by realising their childhood was abusive but by finally having that loving support and the strength it can give

No one should ever feel any guilt for walking away from an abusive relationship and it is a huge red flag for me when people try to assert otherwise these days.

As the article says, you can unfollow people in real life and I would say for real healing, enablers have to be pushed away.

And those who reveal themselves to be abusers too by changing the narrative, doubling down, getting nasty, hurting without apology... Well they just don't deserve space in your life or in your head. The signs are very clear when you can see the truth

Thank you, Smileless and VioletSky. Wyllow3, I hope the counselling helps and you are eventually able to completely walk away.

OK Smileless

Not sure I understand your post Bibbity, could you elaborate?

As I said. Some people like to blame third parties but it is clear that it is not the third party that caused the estrangement

I'm sure it will be understood that it was an error on my part.

Smileless

Others may not read past your comment as it was quite shocking and even if they do, those moments of pain until they get to the clarification seem a heavy price you choose for them just so that you don't have to retype the rest of the comment.

As I said, you are welcome to have that discussion but I'm not sure it is necessary on this thread with or without the clarification.

Hope this helps you understand my point of view

I have explained VS it was clearly an omission on my part and was not done deliberately. Why would it be, as you know I am myself a survivor of abuse and I would not like my entire post to be removed for a mistake which I have rectified.

If you would like to have a discussion about how those who do not seek help and normalise things that happen to them in childhood, may become so lacking in empathy that they then go on to develop a personality disorder like narcissim to perpetuate cycles... then we can do that.

However, it is important to know and understand that the people here, commenting on this thread about abuse they suffered, are unlikely to ever become offenders.

Those who sadly re-traumatise and judge abuse victims trying to heal, may need to take a deeper look at themselves.

I would suggest you ask gransnet to remove your comment and explain why smileless

I should have put sometimes become abusive in adulthood. It was certainly not my intention to insult or upset any abuse survivors. I am myself a survivor of abuse.

"As is the fact that those who were abused or witnessed abuse in childhood become abusive in adulthood"

Yes, that's probably #1 on the list of really disgusting things you can say to an abuse survivor.

Well TBH Mandrake I've never thought of it that way before, always assuming it was a criticism of us so thank you for that. If it's ever said again I'll remember what you said .

I suppose in the early days we were very self conscious, thinking this sort of thing just doesn't happen and automatically assumed we were the ones being judged.

A good post icanhandthemback. It's well documented that those who experienced a dysfunctional childhood can become involved in a dysfunctional relationship in adult hood.

My s.i.l. was married to a man who was physically and emotionally abusive. He'd estranged his own father several years before they met because he used to abuse his mother.

Looking back there were signs of his increasing dominance and control, but at the time as no one in the family had ever experienced it themselves, the warning signs were missed.

I hope you find counselling helpful Wyllow. We see what they want us to see and there's no shame in that.

Icanhandthemback

It was a very good essay!

I thought it was relevant and interesting icanhandthemback.
Thank you for supportive thoughts above. I am waiting for counselling with local agency, but have researched NPD a great deal and looked back over the last 7 months apart after 11 years together and understood a lot.

As I met him at 60 and am now 71 and have children by a previous marriage I feel more fortunate than those writing here where there are children involved or you are making decisions about parents of siblings where you have to worry about the ramification of decisions where there are "knock on" effects.

Looking back I think, "how could I could not have seen this!!!!! I'm an old 70's feminist!!! But in the early stages of a coercive relationship they make you feel amazing, adored, until - if you are vulnerable - you are hooked and believe you cant live without them. Then you ignore signs and signals until eventually events happen which cause a crisis - in my case, police involved, locks changed, arrests for abuse etc.

But you see, when it came down to it, tho I have a good relationship with his very elderly mum...it doesn't drag down a whole lot of family along with my separation and contact decisions tho until I'm divorced there are many threats and stresses from time to time.

Sorry about the essay!