The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

Thank you for posting the article VioletSky, it was very helpful. Two of my family members have gone NC with their mother who on the outside appeared to be a very good mother...she was good at promoting that view too. Unfortunately the mother's childhood has probably moulded her into the person she has become and this has made it so she cannot see that she has any culpability in her children estranging her despite extensive therapy for herself and family therapy. When I saw the article, it resonated for me as I have had estrangement from the mother and I immediately sent it to her daughter.
Very few people understand the grief that the estranger goes through. Nobody is entirely bad and there were many good times with this mother but eventually the balance is irrevocably skewed with her controlling nature. I know that I grieved and sought therapy for the breakdown in the relationship so I can imagine what the children felt. I have never been able to do that with my mother and I commended her bravery to take her happiness into her own hands. She responded with her feelings that there is more information out there these days so you can recognise what it happening so deal with it much better. You realise that it isn't you going mad, it is the situation you have found yourself in.
As to others entering the equation, I think if you have always been treated badly from babyhood upwards, you are more accepting of the behaviour because you don't really know much different. As you reach a more mature age and meet someone who has experienced a much different childhood, you start to see how things can and should be done. This moves you towards estrangements when you try to put down boundaries and the parent won't accept them. Then when you decide that there is no solution and make the decision to estrange, the third party gets the blame. What people don't realise is that without support, it can be really hard to stand your ground when you are not used to being in control of your own destiny.
I know that my putting boundaries in place led my husband to be something the dog dragged in for many years! He encouraged me to make my own choices and has always supported me in my decision not to go NC.
I also think that many people with poor role models find themselves relationships with similar people as they just don't see the red flags because they are just so used to the behaviours.

If we are honest with ourselves

These judgemental people who either make our situations about themselves or otherwise twist everything to be about themselves or just think they are the pinnacle of all knowledge on every subject....

We don't really like them anyway right?
We don't respect them.
We find them completely predictable.
We can't see any happiness in them.

So "who cares" is very appropriate

JaneJudge

Mandrake, would you honestly voice your opinion to someone regarding their estrangement? I have had people I hardly know tell me it was my fault or I must have done something wrong. Or cant you try harder, they are lovely really. It's just their way, cant you just let it go. It is completely our of order

Yes JaneJudge that is out of order. I referred to those type of statements in my post above. I suppose people who say such things think it is blatantly obvious, and are presumably making a judgement based on their own experiences. Not helpful, and well out of order and I am sorry you have suffered that

Smiles, I wonder if people say 'life's too short' in reaction to your son's actions, rather than it being a blaming of you?

If I understand you correctly JaneJudge, I get what you mean. It's fine and reasonable to draw lines sometimes. We are not responsible for someone's adverse reaction to a reasonable boundary. If their choice is to estrange over it, that's on them.

I don’t care what people say about me. People who know me, know that I’m not in the habit of cutting people out of my life

Sara, this is mainly how I feel too. I suppose sometimes I just feel more sensitive than others. Mandrake, I've not estranged anyone either. In my part there was no choice, there was only choice further down the line when I drew a line

"it was my fault or I must have done something wrong". Been on the receiving end of those comments Jane together with life's too short.

I agree Mandrake that it's important to differentiate "judgemental from having an opinion". We can only have an opinion on what we read here. That maybe disagreeing of course but that should be done in a non judgemental way.

I feel that way about our ES's and his wife's circle of friends and acquaintances and interestingly, friends of theirs who were there at the time of our estrangement and who we used to socialise with, appeared to have a change of heart.

Mr. S. received messages on FB when he retired from those who had previously stopped talking to us and would blank us if we saw them. They had become parents themselves, making their parents GP's and maybe that made them see things differently.

I'm sure mine did too, Sara. The basis is the absolute ripping to shreds of BIL she would do when he wasn't there. Wish I'd said something now, but you just know you get the same treatment when you're not there.

Mandrake
Good for you.
Apart from a slight coolness with my brother, which I regret, I really don’t care, she probably only said horrible things about me before we estranged anyway.

That's how I feel too Sara. I don't care if MIL's entire circle think I'm the devil incarnate. I've never estranged anyone.

Sara1954

No Madgran, I get that the scenario is different, all I’m really trying to say is that that if you allow yourself to be distanced and maybe eventually estranged from your family due to the manipulative behaviour of your partner, it would be very hard to go back without destroying your relationship with them.
Once again we come back to needing a peaceful life, especially if children are involved.

I understand your point Sara, sorry I slightly misunderstood before. ?

I don’t care what people say about me. People who know me, know that I’m not in the habit of cutting people out of my life.

My husband perfectly understands, and although a lot of her venom was aimed at him years ago, he still visits her.

My children I’ve never involved, but they still visit her.

My best friend knew her from our teens and never liked her.

If all her golf club cronies think I’m a nasty piece of work, I really couldn’t care less.

Not a problem, JaneJudge. It can be harder to read and convey intent in this format. I suppose my response might be situational but the above is my usual approach to things.

Sorry Mandrake, I am most probably being a bit defensive

JaneJudge, when I said 'opinion' vs 'judgement', I was thinking more of discussions here. Often the OP invites feedback, so saying that I disagree their adult children are being unreasonable and why, seems right for the context. In real life, I'd only offer that kind of thought (gently) if asked for it.

JaneJudge

Mandrake, would you honestly voice your opinion to someone regarding their estrangement? I have had people I hardly know tell me it was my fault or I must have done something wrong. Or cant you try harder, they are lovely really. It's just their way, cant you just let it go. It is completely our of order

No, I wouldn't. The approach I would take is that, as a friend or acquaintance, I can offer them my support without judging who is right or wrong. I will be well aware that there are two sides of every story but that isn't even my concern. My concern would be to acknowledge the hurt of the friend and support them in their own experience and truth.

I think it becomes difficult when there are multiple posts made blaming this parties when it is so blatantly obvious to so many that that is not what has happened.

Blatantly obvious to whom? Only the people involved can know what happened. Others can suggest different perspectives on what they are told, hopefully in a constructive way, but one person's "blatantly obvious" is another person's " "not understanding/believing what actually happened".

Hence all the comments that estranged people say the hear from others!!

The original article that Violet posted can be excellent food for thought and consideration for so many people in their specific situations, regardless of what may seem blatantly obvious to anyone.

Mandrake, would you honestly voice your opinion to someone regarding their estrangement? I have had people I hardly know tell me it was my fault or I must have done something wrong. Or cant you try harder, they are lovely really. It's just their way, cant you just let it go. It is completely our of order

I do think it's important to differentiate 'judgemental' from 'having an opinion' though. There is a difference. I generally prefer to associate with people who are open minded.

I think this thread illustrates how judgemental some people are but I think it is always best to remind yourself that people who are judgemental and projective are generally -in my experience - not very nice people anyway.

Smileless2012

^Other people do not live the subtle nuances of our lives and relationships so cannot judge^ but some do don't they Mandrake and that just makes an already hard situation even harder.

They do but I have been able to get to a place where I don't give a rats what anyone else thinks. I don't associate with people who judge something they know nothing about (even if they think they do).

Then again, some men choose a young girl they have known for a short time compared to parents, and end up being with that person for much longer than their parents. My husband has now had me in his life longer than he's been with his parents by a long way.

Of course, the issues are still all my fault, not that:
- the MIL expected the DIL conform to her wishes and way of living, not respecting that she had her own dreams for her own family and had a right to them, just as MIL got to do things for her own children her way.
- her son, for whatever reason, had no motivation to keep a relationship going with his own parents.
- the only reason they had any relationship with their son at all for the first decade of his marriage was because the DIL made it all happen (until the DIL decided she was done and DH could make it happen himself).
- it's easier to blame an outsider than look at their son or themselves.

Sometimes that young girl they've hardly known is a longer term investment than the parents.

I don't understand your post Bibbity. Not all estrangements happen for the same reason and it can only be obvious to the individual what is applicable to their particular situation.

Apologies Sara for putting an 'h' at the end of your name.

I think it becomes difficult when there are multiple posts made blaming this parties when it is so blatantly obvious to so many that that is not what has happened.