The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

Allsorts
One of my grandchildren has a father who has shown no interest in her at all, recently hasn’t seen her from one year to the next, no Christmas or birthday presents, not even a card. It used to be, oh I can’t wait to see my lovely daddy etc, which was very annoying, but we never said anything against him.

Now it seems his latest relationship has broken up, and he’s been texting her, she just doesn’t want to know, doesn’t reply and doesn’t want to see him.

Sad in a way, but she has a fantastic step dad, and she really has no intention of seeing him again.

Razzmatazz ? Sorry you didn't get a good dad, mine was lovely, not perfect that would be boring, always there for us and totally dependable, unfortunately I married a man who didn't make a good dad so I know how bad it makes children feel. I loved enough for both of us but many tines I thought it wasn't enough. You just do the best you can though. I found the absent parent can often be put on a pedestal as they know so little of them, the one left has to be everything.

imaround

It never becomes any less shocking when you share that and my heart goes out to you all

Imaround
I think I was only able to keep things simple, because the children were older, my husband used to take the ten year old to visit, twenty years on he still goes with her, because she finds it awkward.

Every case is different.

I tried to keep my problems with ny mom between us, she didn't. In the end, one of my kids became suicidal because of her.

I am always happy when I see that some people were able to keep relationship problems between them and their parents. It does not happen in every case.

The majority of my friends have lovely Dads, I have always envied them. At the age of 65 I am very sorry never to have been loved by my Dad. Unfortunately his parents didn't show him any love, he had a terrible childhood.

I haven't seen my Dad since 2011 when he was at my uncle's funeral, we have exchanged the odd letter but that has now stopped. He is now 90 and in poor health, I dread the day my aunt will phone with the news of his death.

At the end of the day, children reach an age when they can make their own decisions.

In that case all we can do is show them what a healthy relationship looks like.

Things are changing now, we have so much information available to us about what abuse actually looks like.

That wasn't there when I started my parenting journey. It just wasn't.

For me personally I have now shown my children that we don't put up with certain behaviours just because someone is family or say they love us.

That's a positive so there is no point living in regret or worry about it

Sara you don't need to defend your situation

If mine had a good relationship with their grandmother possibly things would have been different and I let my older children choose. My younger children were too young to make that choice and when the older 3 said "no thanks" it made it easier on me.

There is also the fact that, while I was taking a break to get mental health help, before I estranged, I offered for her to see them and she said no, not without me.

We make the nest choices we can with the information we have

I’m sure children don’t actually need grandparents, but I feel that’s a decision for them
I may be talking differently if my children had all been younger, but I would have to have severed a bond already made.

No doubt my mother is different with her grandchildren, and actually, not so bad with my brother, so it’s really a me and her thing.

Grams2five

So agree with you

Violet we had a similar experience with my in-laws. My older children met them as they came along before the estrangement, my younger ones had the right choice made for them. They didn’t need to be exposed to manipulative , emotionally abusive people who played favorites, used guilt trips to garner attention, and played the martyr victim like they were getting awards for it. It wasn’t until years later my older children spoke so how happy they were when we cut contact and they no longer had to deal with it all , or watch their parents be treated so poorly. We all make the best choices we can in the moment , while I wish we had spared the older kids knowing them as well, when we knew better, we did better. Perhaps we should have known sooner that being a blood relative didn’t entitle them to a relationship with our children, but we felt very pressured by a society that screams “kids need grandparents “ and “but they’re family “. The truth is as much as I love my own grands now - those thoughts are incomplete - “kids need GOOD grandparents “. And family isn’t a pass at treating others poorly. I’m so glad for younger generations these attitudes are changing.

What a brilliant advisor Biglouis, Nap111 took offence where non was intended and advisor knew just how to diffuse the situation.

Violetsky, your mother really is a piece of work, I’m glad you’ve made your escape, but perhaps you just need to accept that she’s a horrible person, not your fault.

We dont choose the people who happen to be our relatives, any more than we choose our neighbours.

There is a true story of when the Emperor Napoleon III of France (whom most of the royal families of Europe regarded as an upstart) wrote to the Czar of Russia. According to etiquette he addressed the Czar as "Sire and my good brother" but was miffed to get a reply addressed to "Sire and my good friend." He took it as an implied slight.

However one of his advisers reminded him that our relatives are people we are just stuck with, but we are free to choose our friends.

Knittingnovice thats very perceptive advice indeed.

If the GC hadn't found out for themselves ....well they may not have been able to support and understand you.

knittingnovice yes that's possible isn't it

I guess we are all OK now and that is the main thing.

Thank you

Violetsky don't give yourself a hard time because your kids met your mother. The alternative may have been worse, if you didn't introduce them, they may not have believed you and blamed you. They may have had an ideal image of their gran of they hadn't met her and blamed you for depriving them. So while you regret it, perhaps the alternative would be worse.

Laugh or cry sometimes

I don't think I'd laugh

Wow vs...

JaneJudge

my estranged parent didn't want to be a grandparent and never made any effort to be

My mother was angry and disgusted every time I got pregnant. I use to tell her in a public place so she would keep her hands and her nails to herself and not shout at me.

She did something with my children once a year. Only some children and not others and it all had to go on Facebook and I had to thank her on Facebook.

She once bought me quite a large "gift" and after I had done the public thanks on Facebook, informed me I had to pay her back even though I couldn't afford to at the time and wouldn't have bought it myself... and the kicker? I was not allowed to tell anyone I was paying it back

I can laugh at it now

my estranged parent didn't want to be a grandparent and never made any effort to be

Well it's certainly an interesting perspective on an article about abuse.

Emotional abuse is considered just as damaging as physical or sexual abuse

Once you are able to break free and understand your childhood was abusive and it is in your best interest to be No Contact, then it's quite obvious that the children should be protected too.

My older children have all told me how my mother made them feel, either by being abusive to me in front of them or by directly treating them badly. Even her favourite wants nothing to do with her. The younger children had the right choice made for them.

If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, none of them would have ever met her.

My youngest was ten when I finally estranged my mother, my oldest two in late teens were more than capable of making their own choices, and my husband always took the youngest one to visit.

Twenty years on , the oldest still has a close relationship with her, but the other two make a few duty visits a year, but they certainly aren’t close.

I think she’s a very good grandparent to my brothers children.

No, unless it's going to be harmful to the children, I find it unreasonable to prevent what could be a loving and close relationship between GC and GP.

I didn't want to burden my kids with moaning and commenting how good or bad my childhood was. They needed their own good times and memories. Which they've got.

12 years on from her death, neither has a clue about how I felt about my mother and my childhood. No need for them to, as it's all in the past.

She was a good mother, in lots of ways, just emotionally removed from me. Not good, but it happens.?