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Being deliberately excluded!

(19 Posts)
Meow Mon 19-Sep-22 07:51:30

I am estranged from my older daughter and my 2 adult grandaughters. In 2020 I got an email from younger grandaughter to say she had got engaged, I replied to congratulate her but never got a reply. At the start of covid out of the blue I had an email from daughter asking if I was ok, I replied and never got a response so I emailed again, still no reply so I didnt bother anymore. Later that year I got a generic email from younger grandaughter with a photo to say she got married. I replied and congratulated her and asked about the wedding, again no reply!
Last year I had an email from older grandaughter with a scan photo that she was expecting, I replied congratulating her and asked her to keep me updated. She did reply and said she would. I hadnt heard from her so I sent an email to ask how she was and got a reply a week later with a photo of my new great grandaughter. Baby arrived very early by emergency ceasarean! I again emailed her and also posted a gift for baby. She emailed me thanking me for the gift. I left it a couple of weeks then emailed to see how she and baby were doing, nothing back so tried again still no reply. Baby is now 8 months old! I feel like the family are dangling me from a fishing rod reeling me in then throwing me out. Im finding it very hurtful that they are telling me about important milestones in their lives and deliberately excluding me!

Smileless2012 Mon 19-Sep-22 09:06:16

That must be very difficult Meow and confusing. Why contact you at all if you're going to be ignored when you respond?

We get nothing, and haven't for getting on for 10 years now and for me, that's preferable to your experience. Two years ago after almost 8 years of estrangement, our ES emailed me 2 days after my mum died. For me, that was an intrusion into my life that I felt he had no right to make, especially at such an upsetting time.

I responded because I didn't want to leave him hanging and I realised how hard it must have been for him to make contact. In your position I would give serious consideration to not responding in the future, but I understand that you would worry that by doing so, you may be preventing a possible reconciliation.

It's cruel to keep doing this to you and may be better for your well being if they stopped flowers.

Mandrake Mon 19-Sep-22 09:07:43

It seems a very strange approach on their part. Are they generally poor at communication? I know some people just never get to it, in spite of best intentions. Have you tried phoning? Asked to visit?

dragonfly46 Mon 19-Sep-22 09:14:43

It sounds to me as if by keeping you in the loop they are trying to ease their conscience. I do not know why you were estranged in the first place but maybe you could suggest meeting up sometime. At least they sound as if they feel guilty at not including you.

tickingbird Mon 19-Sep-22 10:31:27

Very cruel and if they aren’t doing it purposely to hurt you then they have a collective lack of awareness, not to say bad manners.

Grammaretto Mon 19-Sep-22 10:40:28

I wondered that Mandrake. A phonecall is better than texting. At least it is immediate.
Did you ever find out what their gripe with you was? meow I would need to know if that happened to me.

Shelflife Mon 19-Sep-22 10:41:34

Telephone, ask if you could meet up somewhere. If that does not work at least you have tried. It must be very distressing for you - good luck.

Normandygirl Mon 19-Sep-22 10:55:22

Strangely I have had the same thing happen recently. My ED
e mailed to remind us that our eldest GS was 21 at the end of this month, just that, one short sentence. I emailed back twice, saying that we hadn't forgotten but we have no idea of his address now and could she/he let us know where to send card and would he prefer gift or money. His birthday is only a couple of days away and I haven't had any reply from either of them. Am I now going to be accused of not acknowledging GS's birthday?

Hithere Mon 19-Sep-22 11:09:26

Maybe they keep you in the loop due to social obligation?

On the other hand, after many years of NC, now they tell you what's going on

It may be a step in the proper direction

In the future, I wouldnt reply with keep me updated, just say congrats and done
That way, you acknowledge their announcement and respect their boundaries

Grammaretto Mon 19-Sep-22 11:10:14

Send it via his parents? Ask them for his bank details? I could never keep up with the changing addresses of my own DC let alone DGC.
Nowadays everything is online or texting so postal addresses are hardly ever used.

VioletSky Mon 19-Sep-22 11:14:29

I'm so sorry to hear there is so much distance in these relationships.

Sorry to ask this but was there anything else in your email replies that might be hard for them to answer?

Maybe you need to be direct and ask them why the relationship is so distant and what you can do together to rectify it

Allsorts Mon 19-Sep-22 11:53:29

First of all I am so sorry for the position you find yourself in. I do agree agree with Dragon flys comments. However, I would just one more time, try ringing or asking if you can visit, if no reply, accept that this is their way or easing their conscience by keeping you in the loop without wanting you in their lives. I wouldn’t play their games, acknowledge by e mail whatever they send, but ask for nothing in return as you are not going to get it. You can’t sort anything if they don’t want it. It’s an awful situation I know but you can’t put anything right without them wanting the same. There’s such a thing as Karma which I do believe in.

Normandygirl Tue 20-Sep-22 10:33:09


I'm so sorry to hear there is so much distance in these relationships.

Sorry to ask this but was there anything else in your email replies that might be hard for them to answer?

Maybe you need to be direct and ask them why the relationship is so distant and what you can do together to rectify it

Volver Don't be sorry, it's a perfectly reasonable questionsmile
The only comment I made was How quickly the time has gone from his birth to being 21. I asked where to send the card/gift as I don't know where he is living now. I finished with just "Love Mum and Dad"
I have always sent birthday/Christmas cards and gifts to them all, non have been acknowledged and none have been returned. I don't know what to do now having sent two replies with no response. I have reached the stage of acceptance that my Daughter wants nothing to do with me, even though I have no idea why, but I do feel sad that my GS may think that I have ignored his special day.

DiamondLily Tue 20-Sep-22 14:16:47

Normandy girl - I would do what makes you feel better. If you want to send a card, then do that, whether they acknowledge it or not.

As your GC hasn't estranged you, and if you want to, send the card to him, c/o your daughter's address.

If he doesn't reply, there's nothing you can do. ?

Smileless2012 Tue 20-Sep-22 15:30:54

I always think that as you say DL doing what makes you feel better is the best thing to do.

VioletSky Tue 20-Sep-22 21:11:46

Normandygirl it was me not volver
Is this your thread as I am a bit puzzled?

Allsorts Tue 20-Sep-22 22:47:06

Meow, Your grandchildren are old enough now to contract you if they want to. My granddaughter, left Uni, but she does not visit, I get the odd message, she does not want contact with me as her parents will come first. I don't expect to hear from any of them again. Just as well now as too much hurt as been caused. It's takes a long time to really let go but eventually you do. Life is too short for other people, even family to bring you down and determine your happiness.

OnwardandUpward Wed 28-Sep-22 16:53:21

Sorry but it's called "breadcrumbing" and "stonewalling" or Passive Aggressive behaviour, if it's the same thing that's happened to me in the past.

It's cruel and heartless, a way to recieve things without giving anything in return, and a cowardly thing to do beccause they are cruelly building up hopes and taking from you while giving nothing back. I've been used like this and it's painful.

After YEARS of abuse, I am now NC with my son and it's MY decision because of this cruel behaviour. Something called Cognitive Dissonance occurs to us when what they say does not match what they do.... but we need to look at what they DO because it will show us who they really are. Some people do not possess integrity and some are plain cruel. They may have a reason. It may be worth asking why so you can get closure?

I got an answer and it doesn't help because it's not anything I could change and the issue is clouded with MH problems on his side. I doubt he will ever forgive me for signing his section papers. I tried to save him from himself. I will be forever "Wrong" in his eyes for that. Or anything else he deems wrong. I have lost GC.

Im so sorry Meow , but being deliberately excluded is a form of adult bullying and relational aggression. It is extremely damaging. I hope you have taken them out of your will and will make sure they are not benefitting anymore from their abusive behaviour. flowers

Norah Wed 12-Oct-22 16:11:49

Sounds to me they're keeping you in the loop, perhaps more "looping" is to happen in future, nobody knows.

Perhaps, consider responding "Congratulations" - no more until they indicate more by their messages to you.