Actions speak louder than words

Thanks VS, that was on my mind as a possibility. I asked my youngest if he replied and he said he didn't. So if we give no reaction at all, he will have wasted his time.

He has done this sort of thing before. Let me worry that he was stranded somewhere. We live near them and when we drove past their house we saw him washing up in the kitchen window, grinning to himself!!! (After he KNEW I was worried) As soon as I realised, I took a big step backwards and never told him I knew.

Sounds like he is trying to get your attention. Don't let him play mind games with you.

Plan a lovely holiday

Oops I mean I would have put a gift under the tree for my GC not my son!

For all I know they may be still living in the same place, but saying they aren't there anymore. Either way, as my youngest said wisely, the result is the same.

Norah

OnwardandUpward After many years of being excluded from milestones and nasty messages criticising my parenting, alternated with painful silences, I have decided to match my son's silence and step back from trying.

*Well done you. Life is short, live it with people who love you.*

Thanks Norah. It's a month since I gave my son the pleasure of having the last word.
He sent his brother, my youngest, a message to say they are not in the country for Christmas, so not to bother sending a gift. We don't know if it's true or not, but the result is still the same.

Nothing has changed. Except me. I stopped trying to make all the effort. Not sure if I'll ever see them again and hearing he contacted his brother to say that has made me upset. I wasn't really expecting to hear from them, but would have put a gift under the tree for my DC "in case." I had no expectations so I don't know why I'm upset.

apologies roobs I repeated a quote wrongly, yours was

"Blame the old blame thing. Blame in itself is toxic. Even when my DH and I fall out I try not to apportion blame and try to focus on cause of the fall out.
For the jealous insecure people of this world blame is the only real weapon they have in their toolbox of coping mechanisms so use this to project onto others.
It's pathetic for them and crippling to the one being blamed."

Picking up two really wise statements from above...

first, on blame Roobs
"Walking away isn't easy, and that's an understatement. What you could do is send the children cards for their birthdays and at Christmas but desist from requesting face time or actual meet ups. If you don't ask, then the negative drama can at least be avoided."

secondly, on tactics smileless
"Walking away isn't easy, and that's an understatement. What you could do is send the children cards for their birthdays and at Christmas but desist from requesting face time or actual meet ups. If you don't ask, then the negative drama can at least be avoided."

Panko

Yes, really. Sounds like you were unlucky.

I asked my midwife friend, she said it might depend on the area or hospital

Yes, really. Sounds like you were unlucky.

Panko

^You don't get to choose an induction date^

Not true! I've just had my third child and was offered any of 3 days in one week. I chose the Friday so's my parents could have the other 2 little ones for me over the weekend.

Really?

All 5 of mine induced and no choice at all. Couple of times I got sent home on the day they gave me as they were too busy

That was lucky Panko. No doubt if our ES and his wife had had any control over the date our second GC was born, they'd have most certainly avoided the same date as Mr. S'.s birthday.

You don't get to choose an induction date

Not true! I've just had my third child and was offered any of 3 days in one week. I chose the Friday so's my parents could have the other 2 little ones for me over the weekend.

Oh yes Tusue 'The Waltons'. When the boys were younger and we were having holidays in our caravan, we would reenact the good night sequence in our own daft way; dad bob, mum bob, ...bob and ..bob. That's as far as any similarity to 'The Waltons' ever got.

OnwardandUpward After many years of being excluded from milestones and nasty messages criticising my parenting, alternated with painful silences, I have decided to match my son's silence and step back from trying.

Well done you. Life is short, live it with people who love you.

I agree you’re right to step away, let’s just hope he’s the perfect parent !! As most of us learnt by our own mistakes.
My mum used to cry at the breakdown of her relationship with my sister and said “why can’t we be more like the Waltons “ ? (The old tv series) and I used to tell her the Waltons although lovely Weren’t real and NOT many of us love our families all the time no matter what.
Good luck in your emancipation from mum guilt - live long and prosper OP.

You don't get to choose an induction date

It is a coincidence isn't it Roobs. I can't see our ES and his wife being particularly thrilled, especially as our youngest GC was induced, which is why he was born on his grand dad's birthday.

What a coincidence that we both share that not so common denominator.

When a birthday is the same as someone else's in the family it makes it harder I think Roobs. Our youngest GS who we have never met was born on Mr. S.'s birthday.

That must be a bitter sweet day for our ES.

Thank you Smileless.
This is what we do and we hope they receive them . The youngest one has his birthday at the end of the month the same day as my dad and we all find that a sad day.
Just awful for all involved isn’t it .

I'm sorry Roobs, I didn't realise you had so little contact with your GC; it's heartbreaking isn't it.

Walking away isn't easy, and that's an understatement. What you could do is send the children cards for their birthdays and at Christmas but desist from requesting face time or actual meet ups. If you don't ask, then the negative drama can at least be avoided.

Our position is very much like yours; instigated by our ES's wife with him being complicit.

Smileless2012.

We see very little of the grandchildren anyway even asking for a face time causes no end of negative drama. We are blessed if we see them a few afternoons a year and that’s only been due to a family event .
It’s a crying shame that those dear children are missing out so much.
Unfortunately my DIL and her mother ( the other nana) instigated all of this and my son is complicit.
Husbands advice is to do the same as Onwardsandupwards has done and walk away.
It’s breaking me I have to admit, those GChildren are missing out on two loving grand parents but it’s not our call it’s up to the parents.

Jealousy is a terribly destructive emotion Onward. It was jealousy of the close bond we had with our ES that underpinned the destruction of our relationship.

I'm sorry that you were denied your loving GM .

It must feel like Hobson's choice Roobs. If you stand up to your son and refuse to be verbally abused, do you risk not seeing your GC?

A terrible dilemma for parents and GP's who tolerate behaviour from their own AC they would never tolerate from anyone else, for fear of losing their GC .

Oh Onwatds and upwards I could have written your whole story myself. Not allowed to buy GC a bike as that was his job!! GC still does not have a bike.

I am in awe of your strength and it won't be long and I will do the.
I am becoming increasingly aware of just how selfish my only son is and yet keep going back for another verbal beating.
I want to cuddle you for being so brave and just reading your post has given me confidence to do this.

Blame the old blame thing. Blame in itself is toxic. Even when my DH and I fall out I try not to apportion blame and try to focus on cause of the fall out.
For the jealous insecure people of this world blame is the only real weapon they have in their toolbox of coping mechanisms so use this to project onto others.
It's pathetic for them and crippling to the one being blamed.

Well done you I am in awe tbh.

Thanks VS. I hope so.

I feel sorry for any child whose parent is madly jealous when they have a good time elsewhere. My Mother hated my GP so much that I rarely saw them.

Growing up I was annoyed with her for limiting me from seeing the one adult who gave me unconditional love, careful not to be like her so my kids could have many people in their lives- and now this. Full circle. I despair.

But, if he's anything like my Mother and my GC are anything like me they are going to be desperate to come here and will always remember the cruel things that were said and done that were designed to poison the relationship (and didnt work) I still cry for my Grandma now and I doubt I ever will for my Mother.

Onwards

My hope is that your grandchildren will break the cycle one day, just as you have