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Actions speak louder than words

(43 Posts)
OnwardandUpward Tue 04-Oct-22 11:30:43

After many years of being excluded from milestones and nasty messages criticising my parenting, alternated with painful silences, I have decided to match my son's silence and step back from trying.

His actions tell me that he really hates me (his words tell me this as well!) and there is freedom in admitting it to myself finally because it frees me from being the only one making the effort anymore. I have grieved for a GC who I have been banned from seeing and jumped through hoops for a son who clearly hates me, just to catch a glimpse of my dear GC- but no more.

"When someone shows you their true colours, don't repaint them" (well, not anymore)

Summerlove Tue 04-Oct-22 14:55:34

I hope this gives you some much needed peace!

VioletSky Tue 04-Oct-22 16:00:15

I too am glad you are doing OK onwards and upwards ?

M0nica Tue 04-Oct-22 16:25:16

What a sad situation *OnwardandUpward. But there is that saying about changing what we can change, accepting what we cannot change and having the wisdom to know the difference.

Accepting the unchangeable, can be very freeing and leaves you free to grieve. The late Queen said that 'Grief is the price we pay for love.'

Smileless2012 Tue 04-Oct-22 17:43:27

What you have done takes courage and a great deal of strength Onward. I hope that you will begin to heal and move forward with your life.

It's a terrible thing to know that your own child wants nothing to do with you but as M0nica has posted, Accepting the unchangeable, can be very freeing and leaves you free to grieve.

It's certainly been the case in our experience and I hope that it will be for you too flowers.

JaneJudge Tue 04-Oct-22 17:52:59

You are doing the right thing. You cannot let someone continually abuse you just because they are family. I read one of your posts earlier today and his behaviour fits a pattern that I saw in one of my parents (now estranged) You don't have to keep feeling everything is your fault anymore but please if you can, see a counsellor to talk things through with them and short term it is going to be freeing but very difficult and long term it will just help you cope better flowers

JaneJudge Tue 04-Oct-22 17:55:15

Do you know, it's bloody great not being told everything is your fault all the time! Why does anyone have to be at fault of anything anyway, let alone all the time and how come it's always everyone else at fault and never them? This is something I have thought about a lot recently

VioletSky Tue 04-Oct-22 17:59:28

We don't have to have relationships with anyone so abusive people need to be avoided

We can't fix what we didn't break

We can only support others healing journeys, should they choose them and it is safe for us to do so

Smileless2012 Tue 04-Oct-22 19:44:38

What better way to avoid facing up to one's own failings, than projecting them onto someone else Jane? It takes maturity and courage to accept one's fallibility and let's face it, we're all human, we all make mistakes don't we.

Harris27 Tue 04-Oct-22 19:52:09

Welcome words and this can help a lot of people.

crazyH Tue 04-Oct-22 20:01:18

Onwardandupward - just that flowers

OnwardandUpward Tue 04-Oct-22 20:06:14


Do you know, it's bloody great not being told everything is your fault all the time! Why does anyone have to be at fault of anything anyway, let alone all the time and how come it's always everyone else at fault and never them? This is something I have thought about a lot recently

Thankyou all smile Yes, Jane, you are so right! I have just enjoyed a whole seven days of utter peace with NO ONE telling me I'm a terrible human being grin

I have peace in knowing that I have done my best, yet accept that my best is never good enough for "some people" who don't seem to have ever tried their best. You can NOT DO better than your best, so I do not feel bad or wrong. "Some people" always find fault with everything, yet are never the ones to bring anything positive to the table. Well, it's a release to be free of the constant drip drip of poison.

Yes, the Queen was so right when she said that "grief is the price we pay for love". My poor GC loved seeing me and my son has taken that away from them and me. What an absolutely selfish Sh*t of a person he is because he wants everything to be all about him. Well, it's NOT and it's time he realised.

OnwardandUpward Tue 04-Oct-22 20:27:08

Ps I just want to say, my GC really loved being here. I have pics and videos of this, but my son seemed really jealous of it.
What kind of parent would take something away from their child that their child really enjoys, just to try and cause someone else pain?

This is not about me (I can cope with loss, been here and got the t shirt!) but about denying a child access to a family that love them and who they enjoy spending time with. Apparently GC have been asking for me. Yet their "loving father" has done everything possible to make it impossible.

I really think he was jealous. And that's pathetic. Or he's trying to use GC to control me and has underestimated me. He will end up with nothing and his kids will hate him.

M0nica Tue 04-Oct-22 21:17:55

Nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes. The problem is, we are always told not to blame the children (young children) when things go wrong, because they are immature and vulnerable, so we blaame our selves.

But sometimes with the best will in the world, no matter how we try, we can find ourselves constantly at loggerheads with one child. I have two children. One read all the baby books before they were born and was sweet, biddable and obedient. The other also read the baby books prenatally, in order to tear them up and ignore them and my relationship with that child was fraught throughout their childhood.

Fortunately they also have an exceptional ability to know and understand themselves and as adults we have had many conversations about our relationship when they were a child and now have a very close relationship.

It isn't a question of blame, more of compatability and being able to respond to someone, when you just do not understand why they respond to everythng the waythey do.

OnwardandUpward Tue 04-Oct-22 21:28:17

I'm pleased for you Monica. Having spent my whole life blaming myself and learning at a late age to develop self esteem, I now don't take the blame for things that arent my fault. I will put my hands up to anything that is my fault, but not accept abuse when it's not.

I can't explain online, but I have been coerced and will also not be coerced by him anymore, which is why he is punishing me by using GC to hurt me. He's hurting them as well. I wish he could see that. But I remind myself that it's his child he's hurting and yet he has the cheek to attack my parenting. I always let my kids see family and also I never coerced or threatened my parents. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I have standards I will not drop below in how I care for others and we don't have the same values.

JaneJudge Tue 04-Oct-22 21:29:07


What better way to avoid facing up to one's own failings, than projecting them onto someone else Jane? It takes maturity and courage to accept one's fallibility and let's face it, we're all human, we all make mistakes don't we.

Yes, that is very true. I know I'm not perfect, why would I be?! It is impossible to expect anyone to be

Onwards, I can guarantee it is some sort of jealousy in a way and control.

M0nica Tue 04-Oct-22 21:30:58

OnwardandUpward When I hear stories like yours I think 'There, but for the grace of God, go I'

OnwardandUpward Tue 04-Oct-22 21:34:55

Thanks Jane Judge, yes it IS. He is totally jealous and irrational that his kids love me and have a great time here. Which is really SAD. Poor kids. That means he will try to stop them doing anything that they enjoy that he's not the centre of.

I can't prevent it.

Monica I'm not even sad for myself. I don't miss the coercion or abuse. It's the GC I am genuinely sad for. I got to a point where I felt I was dancing over the bullets and being breadcrumbed , played head games with- it was all so cruel but I kept doing it to see the GC- until he went too far and I can't really write about that online.

Poor, poor GC.

VioletSky Tue 04-Oct-22 22:07:49


My hope is that your grandchildren will break the cycle one day, just as you have

OnwardandUpward Tue 04-Oct-22 23:13:55

Thanks VS. I hope so.

I feel sorry for any child whose parent is madly jealous when they have a good time elsewhere. My Mother hated my GP so much that I rarely saw them.

Growing up I was annoyed with her for limiting me from seeing the one adult who gave me unconditional love, careful not to be like her so my kids could have many people in their lives- and now this. Full circle. I despair.

But, if he's anything like my Mother and my GC are anything like me they are going to be desperate to come here and will always remember the cruel things that were said and done that were designed to poison the relationship (and didnt work) I still cry for my Grandma now and I doubt I ever will for my Mother.

Roobs Sun 09-Oct-22 00:06:37

Oh Onwatds and upwards I could have written your whole story myself. Not allowed to buy GC a bike as that was his job!! GC still does not have a bike.

I am in awe of your strength and it won't be long and I will do the.
I am becoming increasingly aware of just how selfish my only son is and yet keep going back for another verbal beating.
I want to cuddle you for being so brave and just reading your post has given me confidence to do this.

Blame the old blame thing. Blame in itself is toxic. Even when my DH and I fall out I try not to apportion blame and try to focus on cause of the fall out.
For the jealous insecure people of this world blame is the only real weapon they have in their toolbox of coping mechanisms so use this to project onto others.
It's pathetic for them and crippling to the one being blamed.

Well done you I am in awe tbh.

Smileless2012 Sun 09-Oct-22 12:30:08

Jealousy is a terribly destructive emotion Onward. It was jealousy of the close bond we had with our ES that underpinned the destruction of our relationship.

I'm sorry that you were denied your loving GM flowers.

It must feel like Hobson's choice Roobssad. If you stand up to your son and refuse to be verbally abused, do you risk not seeing your GC?

A terrible dilemma for parents and GP's who tolerate behaviour from their own AC they would never tolerate from anyone else, for fear of losing their GC flowers.

Roobs Tue 11-Oct-22 22:22:22


We see very little of the grandchildren anyway even asking for a face time causes no end of negative drama. We are blessed if we see them a few afternoons a year and that’s only been due to a family event .
It’s a crying shame that those dear children are missing out so much.
Unfortunately my DIL and her mother ( the other nana) instigated all of this and my son is complicit.
Husbands advice is to do the same as Onwardsandupwards has done and walk away.
It’s breaking me I have to admit, those GChildren are missing out on two loving grand parents but it’s not our call it’s up to the parents.

Smileless2012 Wed 12-Oct-22 09:57:07

I'm sorry Roobs, I didn't realise you had so little contact with your GC; it's heartbreaking isn't itsad.

Walking away isn't easy, and that's an understatement. What you could do is send the children cards for their birthdays and at Christmas but desist from requesting face time or actual meet ups. If you don't ask, then the negative drama can at least be avoided.

Our position is very much like yours; instigated by our ES's wife with him being complicit.

Roobs Thu 13-Oct-22 11:42:30

Thank you Smileless.
This is what we do and we hope they receive them . The youngest one has his birthday at the end of the month the same day as my dad and we all find that a sad day.
Just awful for all involved isn’t it .