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Abusive parent playing the victim AGAIN

(9 Posts)
HealingFromTrauma Sat 15-Oct-22 08:23:46

This happened a few months ago but idk. I guess it's just now starting to really set in that my mom just wants to hate me.

I always thought that one day I could explain myself good enough, emote the right amount to not be seen as manipulative for either "not caring at all" or "being too dramatic". That I could give her the right information. That with therapy, divorce from stepdad, distance, etc she'd start to get perspective and an increased ability to see my perspective instead of just demanding I accept and cater to hers endlessly. That she might start to care about me and her impact on me, the other kids, and the need to actually adjust her mindset and expectations.

And maybe make some apologies that go way deeper than some vague "embarrassing you in front of friends" that I don't even remember happening. Or "ever having you babysit" when you know. What really happened was you made me a STAHM. Like 3 years in high school I went to online school primarily because daycare is expensive, the twins were too young for school, and look you can just take care of them, make sure the house is clean every day, and have dinner made while making straight A's and i scream nearly daily about how lazy and worthless you are because you don't have a job making any money too. And then can't just drive everyone to school/work everyday across dangerous highways when no one ever taught me to drive to took me to practice. To the point of attempted suicide and specific PTSD triggers doe these things in addition to the baseline CPTSD from just existing in a social or domestic environment. Like can you just not wildly undersell what the issues are to the point that it makes me seem unreasonable because the apology upsets me enough to just be completely silent regarding it to prevent blowing up about it??

She was abusive in her own right. But I know it was mostly because of my stepdad and how insecure and volatile her BPD made her. And her choice to have way more kids than she could actually raise. So the whole stress and lack of time or mental functionality strong enough for true self awareness or even capacity for learning.

So yeah we spent nearly 10 years apart, she got the divorce, started therapy after she realized my oldest brother IS too violent to safely keep in the house with the kids (just like his dad) and that it isn't actually all my fault that he is violent and has anger issues. Waking her up to the fact that ALL 5 of her kids had various severe mental health issues that affect quality of life and are directly tied to her terrible parenting, generational trauma, and keeping excessively abusive people in positions of power over children.

Sure she laid it on super thick when she was confessing to me like she expected me to contradict her and reassure that she "did the best you could" and "didn't know better" (despite that i was in highschool studying how to parent despite hating children just so those kids had at least one decent parent. And I did tell her what i learned and tried to showcase non violent and other gentle alternatives. Only for her to blow up at me for telling her how to raise her kids, acting like a parent, and not minding my own business. While also crying about how she "never has any help" and how it "takes a village, yet I always get stuck having to figure everything out myself and trying to make it all work with no help at all". )

So again I kept silent and made a slight pivot to how I've been getting a better understanding of my mental health kinda nudging her more into therapy

And yeah a few years in I figured, okay i can maybe try to start to talk about what my real mental health issues are and what my childhood was actually like. Starting off with something that has nothing to do with her, to make it easier. Let's talk about my dad and what happened at his house. She always hated him anyway so maybe a decent bonding chance.

But noooo she had to constantly interrupt to make it about her feelings and what she would have done.

So I finally snapped and told her that I knew she'd decide to "protect me" by restriction me even further, trapping me with my stepdad. Who was by all metrics worse so yeah that's a large part of why she never counted as a safe adult to confide in. He broke my collar bone within a year of y'all even meeting and YOU still chose him over me. I was 8.

My dad only had one major event and several pretty minor things (he liked pranks that relied on mild electric shocks and jump scare/loud noise things. Until the major thing created a huge rift between us and we began fighting constantly and he became pretty emotionally abusive. Still better than stepdad tho).

My stepdad was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive on a daily basis and was far more inescapable and way more likely to pile on dozens of people to confirm that I deserve it and that he's such a great parent.

But yeah my mom decided to turn the tables and call me abusive and say how she's "not going to be my punching bag"

Which honestly set me off way more. Cause how DARE she after all the things i stayed silent on FOR DECADES. And for all the things she enabled my stepdad and oldest brother to do to me in particular. Claiming i must have somehow deserved it or set them off or all these other excuses only THEY get.

And yeah I've been doing therapy myself. I know (in part because she told me directly repeatedly as a child. Just not all at once) that the big reason I'm the scapegoat is because, well i am the truth teller and oldest. But mostly because my mom decided to project herself onto me when i was born. And she hates herself. And projects everything she hates about herself on me, no matter how much it contradicts with reality (or as she says what i "think i know about myself before having the full life experience and perspective i have to know better").

And now I know for sure that there is none of these changes or tweaks that can happen that will ever change that fundamental truth. And will never let us have any kind of positive relationship. It's just. Completely impossible.

Pumpkinpie Sat 15-Oct-22 08:32:35

Your life would get better the more you distanced yourself from this woman. Mother or not she isn’t good for you.
Maybe you need to take a breath & do some work on yourself without being sabotaged . It’s your choice how much effect she has on you now as an adult.
Sometimes moving forward is about drawing a line in the sand , embracing life and moving on , instead of looking too deep at a past that hurt you

nanna8 Sat 15-Oct-22 08:34:15

Is this the right forum for you, Healing? I seriously doubt it. Be aware it is public.

HealingFromTrauma Sat 15-Oct-22 08:35:35

I told her that I'd be willing to talk to her again if she has her therapist there for mediation.

And independently I firmly stated that I will NO longer be the emotionally mature one/parent in this relationship and that she will need to start doing the work to meet me where I am if she actually wants a meaningful relationship with me.

But I know she's not interested and doesn't have a ton of time to decide to change her mind (her heart disease is pretty bad. Unlikely to be able to get a transplant in time). So it's just not something that can happen. And I can't just fake it like I didn't mean what I said just so she can have her picture perfect death surrounded by children and grandchildren that all just forget about the abuse cause death (like they did with my mom's mom, kinda regressing her severely and leading to a great deal of the abuse and insecurities. I can't risk that. Plus I hated the fake happy family BS since I was 9 and had to pretend to have any fond feelings of my stepdad in public. I can't stomach going back to that kind of performance again).

HealingFromTrauma Sat 15-Oct-22 08:48:09

Yeah I know. I pretty much always knew. But with all the signs that she's done the things to be able to actually be able to be in my life in a health way. I just really wanted to believe in it.

And I have spent some time beating myself up for having emotional outbursts or not being able to properly articulate why with her.

And now I'm starting to really come to terms with the fact that she does just want to hate me. There isn't anything I could do to forge a healthy relationship. Best I could do is try to appease her. Which isn't healthy or necessary. So I can't and won't take it.

It's hard, but letting go of that last hint of bargaining is probably for the best.

Wyllow3 Sat 15-Oct-22 09:14:56

HealingFromTrauma the amount of very serious mental health conditions in this mix make me feel you need to take professional advice on the big question that seems to be lurking underneath -do I go totally No Contact with my Mum or is it best for me to try somehow continue structured Low contact.

Wyllow3 Sat 15-Oct-22 11:07:52

(to add I am very sympathetic but with the mix you describe, including your mum's illness, ie she may not live too long, I feel you need someone who knows you really really well to get the best outcome for you as time goes on xx)

VioletSky Sat 15-Oct-22 19:44:43

What dies your therapist say?

Sometimes it is impossible to heal in a damaging relationship.

Sometimes it is possible to heal with good strong boundaries

Have you had that conversation?

There is a thread on here called "The hard truth about going No contact" that might have helpful info

I'm so sorry for everything you have experienced

silverlining48 Sat 15-Oct-22 20:40:54

I hope the process of writing this down in such detail has helped you even a little bit. Having am Abusive childhood is damaging, and only you can decide whether distancing yourself will help you move forward.
You really do need to speak with someone you trust and hope you get the help you need.