This happened a few months ago but idk. I guess it's just now starting to really set in that my mom just wants to hate me.
I always thought that one day I could explain myself good enough, emote the right amount to not be seen as manipulative for either "not caring at all" or "being too dramatic". That I could give her the right information. That with therapy, divorce from stepdad, distance, etc she'd start to get perspective and an increased ability to see my perspective instead of just demanding I accept and cater to hers endlessly. That she might start to care about me and her impact on me, the other kids, and the need to actually adjust her mindset and expectations.
And maybe make some apologies that go way deeper than some vague "embarrassing you in front of friends" that I don't even remember happening. Or "ever having you babysit" when you know. What really happened was you made me a STAHM. Like 3 years in high school I went to online school primarily because daycare is expensive, the twins were too young for school, and look you can just take care of them, make sure the house is clean every day, and have dinner made while making straight A's and i scream nearly daily about how lazy and worthless you are because you don't have a job making any money too. And then can't just drive everyone to school/work everyday across dangerous highways when no one ever taught me to drive to took me to practice. To the point of attempted suicide and specific PTSD triggers doe these things in addition to the baseline CPTSD from just existing in a social or domestic environment. Like can you just not wildly undersell what the issues are to the point that it makes me seem unreasonable because the apology upsets me enough to just be completely silent regarding it to prevent blowing up about it??
She was abusive in her own right. But I know it was mostly because of my stepdad and how insecure and volatile her BPD made her. And her choice to have way more kids than she could actually raise. So the whole stress and lack of time or mental functionality strong enough for true self awareness or even capacity for learning.
So yeah we spent nearly 10 years apart, she got the divorce, started therapy after she realized my oldest brother IS too violent to safely keep in the house with the kids (just like his dad) and that it isn't actually all my fault that he is violent and has anger issues. Waking her up to the fact that ALL 5 of her kids had various severe mental health issues that affect quality of life and are directly tied to her terrible parenting, generational trauma, and keeping excessively abusive people in positions of power over children.
Sure she laid it on super thick when she was confessing to me like she expected me to contradict her and reassure that she "did the best you could" and "didn't know better" (despite that i was in highschool studying how to parent despite hating children just so those kids had at least one decent parent. And I did tell her what i learned and tried to showcase non violent and other gentle alternatives. Only for her to blow up at me for telling her how to raise her kids, acting like a parent, and not minding my own business. While also crying about how she "never has any help" and how it "takes a village, yet I always get stuck having to figure everything out myself and trying to make it all work with no help at all". )
So again I kept silent and made a slight pivot to how I've been getting a better understanding of my mental health kinda nudging her more into therapy
And yeah a few years in I figured, okay i can maybe try to start to talk about what my real mental health issues are and what my childhood was actually like. Starting off with something that has nothing to do with her, to make it easier. Let's talk about my dad and what happened at his house. She always hated him anyway so maybe a decent bonding chance.
But noooo she had to constantly interrupt to make it about her feelings and what she would have done.
So I finally snapped and told her that I knew she'd decide to "protect me" by restriction me even further, trapping me with my stepdad. Who was by all metrics worse so yeah that's a large part of why she never counted as a safe adult to confide in. He broke my collar bone within a year of y'all even meeting and YOU still chose him over me. I was 8.
My dad only had one major event and several pretty minor things (he liked pranks that relied on mild electric shocks and jump scare/loud noise things. Until the major thing created a huge rift between us and we began fighting constantly and he became pretty emotionally abusive. Still better than stepdad tho).
My stepdad was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive on a daily basis and was far more inescapable and way more likely to pile on dozens of people to confirm that I deserve it and that he's such a great parent.
But yeah my mom decided to turn the tables and call me abusive and say how she's "not going to be my punching bag"
Which honestly set me off way more. Cause how DARE she after all the things i stayed silent on FOR DECADES. And for all the things she enabled my stepdad and oldest brother to do to me in particular. Claiming i must have somehow deserved it or set them off or all these other excuses only THEY get.
And yeah I've been doing therapy myself. I know (in part because she told me directly repeatedly as a child. Just not all at once) that the big reason I'm the scapegoat is because, well i am the truth teller and oldest. But mostly because my mom decided to project herself onto me when i was born. And she hates herself. And projects everything she hates about herself on me, no matter how much it contradicts with reality (or as she says what i "think i know about myself before having the full life experience and perspective i have to know better").
And now I know for sure that there is none of these changes or tweaks that can happen that will ever change that fundamental truth. And will never let us have any kind of positive relationship. It's just. Completely impossible.
Naked pair enjoy meal in non-naturalist pub.