Overcoming "Fat, stupid and lazy" insults

OnwardandUpward I wish you well, I really do.

I so know what it feels like to have a mother that doesn’t care, that makes you the black sheep of the family (her family i.e. her brothers and sisters - my aunts and uncles). So I have distanced myself from her and them. When I do see her it’s always out of a sense of duty AND I feel like I can breathe again when it’s over. I haven’t seen her since March when she was in hospital… she has a care package arranged which she loves. I know I’ll have to see her again for Christmas, but it will be for a meal out and then she’ll get taken home so I won’t have to go in. Just thinking about it gives me a heavy heart - but it is what it is and I’ll just put my big girl pants on and get it out of the way!

I’m so glad you’re got a lovely DH - I have too, aren’t we lucky! His parents have been the parents I never had and for that, I’m grateful - though they don’t know the full story and so could never understand why I never saw my parents very often.

Anyway - this isn’t about me - I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. There are many of us out there.

On a positive note - the estrangement is over, but it’s still baby steps …

Just take one day at a time lovely - we can do this x

OnwardandUpward so sorry to hear this. You say your estranged son spent formative years with your mother so being the kind of person she is do you not think it is she who sowed the seeds that have now sadly resulted in estrangement? Do not blame yourself. You say mother will use any means to conquer, demean and destroy. Your son is one of those means.

I don’t really know what to suggest. You cannot let them put you down. Don’t let her know she has won. Keep smiling, albeit through gritted teeth, and feel sorry for her if possible.

Why would you value the opinion of somebody like that?

have had similar from my mother over the years, was worse when my dad died. Finished with "I don't want you, I want him (my brother) so i walked have gone no contact although did see her in the nursing home when she moved but really don't miss the constant put downs. Hope you can work through your problems x

That's why it's beyond sad Onward, you've had a life time of put downs from your mum and are being treated so badly by your son.

Of course we are all entitled to look after ourselves; our values, health and self worth. No one has the right to take those away from us or to even try.

So sad though. Sad that flesh and blood are often the ones to try and destroy. It is Onward which is why we must do whatever it takes to prevent them from succeeding.

I grew up with a mother like that - my brother was the favourite and I was the one who was always told I would never amount to anything, any time I attempted something different she would always say that I wouldn't be able to do it. She moved to another country with my brother and the first time I visited after 10 years there is film of my brother and his family greeting me with hugs with mum pointing at me and saying how fat I was (I was 10.5 stone!)

We are still in touch, although my letters and gifts are sent out of duty. I no longer allow her negative comments to affect me.

It is difficult but whenever she makes a derogatory comment take a deep breath and repeat a positive mantra. Try something like: "my opinion of me is more important than hers" "I am responsible for my own happiness" or "I don't need others approval"

Thankyou Sunshine Sally. I'm sorry you have been there too.

My mother is a bully, determined to use any means possible to divide and conquer , demean and destroy. I often leave her presence wanting to end my life. Unfortunately I was attracted to abusive partners in the past as it felt familiar but have a wonderful husband who I'm really grateful for. He is absolutely horrified by the behaviour of my family, who he always thought were "nice".

They are "nice" on the surface. To those who don't know what really goes on... Unfortunately my estranged son is more like my Mother than I would like to admit, probably because he spent a lot of time in his formative years with her.

Thanks Smileless. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I've had a lifetime of my Mother trying to make me nothing by constant put downs and limiting talk, insults and head games...

I know, the only person we can change is ourselves and I have worked on myself, but to the extent that my son who is estranged actually said I was "Entitled". Just because I did not do what he said.
If it's entitled to look after your own self, then I must be. But actually we are all entitled to look after our values, health and self worth because anyone who threatens those is not good for us.

Sad though. Sad that flesh and blood are often the ones to try and destroy.

Hey lovely … I couldn’t just scroll past without posting.
It’s time for YOU to take control … not easy I know BUT you can and should choose whether you want to see her and for how long.

When she gets personal then just leave - change the way you react to her. She won’t expect that. It may change her behaviour … but then if it doesn’t … what the heck … you’re in control.

And that’s the thing - you need to take control rather than giving her the control.

You cannot change the past - but the future is full of possibilities. Be bold and brave … start how you mean to go on.

I’m sorry about your estrangement with your son - it’s hard, I know as I’ve been there. One day it may work out - he may sort his life out and seek forgiveness… it does happen. In the meantime - do things for you. You need to put yourself first.
Sending hugs xx

Onward you didn't make the son who estranged you feel useless and worthless. He hasn't spent his life being put down by his mother but you have.

We always say don't we, that you cannot understand the pain of being estranged by the AC you loved and cared for unless it happens to you. Likewise, no one can understand what it's like to have had a life time of verbal abuse from their mum, and to be lied too unless they've experienced it too.

It's beyond sad that you're estranged from your son and that your mum has destroyed her relationship with you, but she has so please don't feel a bit rubbish about this.

You must put yourself first and if that means very low contact or no contact with your mum, that's what you must do. You cannot make the son who has estranged you want you in his life, and you cannot make your mum love, respect and value you.

You're never going to get what you deserve from her so you need to love, respect and value yourself and be with those who see you for the person you are and love you.