Overcoming "Fat, stupid and lazy" insults

I'm glad your relationship has got easier with your daughter Icanhandthemback Sad that it's taken your Mother having dementia for her to be rendered harmless, but I suspect this is the case for many abusive parents. It is important to own your own part. Well done and I'm happy for you that you have a stronger relationship. I have always owned my own part (unlike my mother who has never taken responsibility for anything in her life because it is always "someone else's fault")

Yes you ae a good person and deserve to be happy Kate1949 and everyone who's reading this who has done their best for their kids despite being emotionally crippled.

OnwardandUpward

So sorry Kate1949 I can see why you are a nervous wreck and hope you can find a safe place to talk about it and find ways to cope.
Icanhandthemback thats extremely positive, well done! It can be very hard going against the conditioning to become the parent we wish we had had. I have done my best to do this, but only have a good relationship with my youngest as the oldest spent a lot of time with my parents and turned out like them. From an early age, my greatest wish was that I should not turn out like my parents, who were full of stress , strife and toxic behaviours.

I made the same mistake with my daughter, OnwardandUpwardand it caused all sorts of problems for us as a family but fortunately, I had a great counsellor before I made the same mistake with my boys. My relationship with my daughter has got a lot stronger since my Mum has had dementia because she hasn't got the wherewithal to keep up her flow of disinformation/lies. Coupled with my daughter having her own children she can now see how that undermining relationship affected her. I also own my part of the equation (unlike my mother) and I think that helps.

Thank you, Kate1949 for your kind words. I hope you can look at your daughter and grandchild with a sense of great pride. Keep telling yourself that you are a good person and deserve to be happy.

So sorry, that's all very stressful Kate1949

I was neglected, but in ways I don't want to write about because it's a bit identifying.

Yes. Through neglect. Makes for a very happy child (not). Then a few years ago I lost all my hair.

Oh no ALL of them! So sorry Kate1949.

No confidence or self esteem here either. Having all your teeth removed at 11 makes sure of that.

That's wonderful Kate1949 you have done an amazing job, despite your parents. Well done

I never had any self esteem as a child, teenager or in early adulthood. In fact, I didn't start to build any til I met my husband and we ended up doing therapy that exposed the past.

I had no ambitions for our daughter. I just wanted her to be clean and cared for, to not feel left out at school, stripped of confidence like I was. I wanted to give her holidays, data out etc which I never had. She has turned out well and has brought up a beautiful, talented daughter of her own.

So sorry Kate1949 I can see why you are a nervous wreck and hope you can find a safe place to talk about it and find ways to cope.
Icanhandthemback thats extremely positive, well done! It can be very hard going against the conditioning to become the parent we wish we had had. I have done my best to do this, but only have a good relationship with my youngest as the oldest spent a lot of time with my parents and turned out like them. From an early age, my greatest wish was that I should not turn out like my parents, who were full of stress , strife and toxic behaviours.

icanhandthemback. Wonderful that your son said that. Well done for coming through.

Kate1949, my Mum had this sort of childhood and although her mother was very kind to me, she could be equally scathing to my Mum and so the dysfunctional family life rolled on. It is really why I can stay in contact but draw my line in the sand so I don't keep getting hurt.
One of my proudest moments was when I heard my son telling my sister (who is struggling in her own family life) is that he is so glad he got a Mum who broke the cycle. I know I have had my moments (long ones) where the cycle started to repeat itself but I am glad that overall my children don't think I was unkind and they definitely knew I wouldn't lie to them.

OnwardandUpward. How sad. My parents weren't mentally ill. My father was a violent, abusive, selfish, chain smoking, womanising drunk. He was handsome, smart and well dressed while his 7 children were fed, clothed thanks to my mother who was downtrodden and afraid of him, but there was no love or guidance. We never owned a toothbrush, had our hair brushed, we were scruffy, had nits and other parents told their children not to play with us. There is more but not for putting down here. People wonder why I am a nervous wreck.

So sorry to hear that Icanhandthemback and Allsorts. I was forced to suppress emotion (and punished for showing any) and it has taken me years to show any. Even now I still can't cry. Maybe a tear escapes and rolls down my cheek, but I cannot cry.

I know they were ill . I don't take it personally, what was said and done. It was never me because it was all about them. But, the damage was still done, whether they intended or understood the consequences of their actions or not. Whatever the reason for the abuse, the outcome is trauma.

You don't really know any different though, Allsorts. I was quite old before I realised my mother had a personality disorder and I really thought I was fat because that was what I had been told. You might be unhappy (I was) but I grew up being told that you can't just lay down and die when you are unhappy, you just have to get on with it, so you do. I think I just learned to suppress emotion.

Reading back through the posts, I see a lot of the abuse was caused by people whose parents with quite severe mental health problems. This is where I have difficulties , if a person is mentally ill, does that excuse their behaviour as they are not rational. I have had to put up with a lot of problems and had to suffer in silence by someone with a diagnosed mental illness and put up with the unacceptable. I do not however see that person too much, I can’t imagine how it would be living with them though. The same if you have a child with a mental illness, it must drive parents to desperation. I don’t think I could have coped with it.

Thanks so much Smileless. Even earlier in the year his comments used to hurt me so much, but it's all he really has. (his hatefulness and desire to pull me down is all he really has, because at his age he has decided not to achieve or do anything new and cannot stand to see a woman do it)

Yes, my Dad is a huge Misogynist. All my life he has tried to stop me from being me. And now he's actually admitted he wanted me to be a carbon copy of him, I actually see how sad it is, that he cannot ever want the best for me while he only wants everything to be about him.

What a great post Onward. Reading how you cope with your father's comments with such control and calmness is admirable and made me smile.

OnwardandUpward is the perfect user name for you.

biglouis

I could have written the opening post myself! I was a plain child with an outstandingly pretty sister. During my teen years I put on a lot of weight and my parents were constantly on about it.

I will never forget that I was revising for GCE when my mother was bustling about in the kitchen making the evening meal. I heard my father say "Why dont you get that fat slob (meaning me) to get up off her lazy ass and help you?"

I have never forgotten this. In later years I taxed him with it and they both denied it.

It was never good enough for my parents that I had a successful career and went on to earn the highest degree you can get in this country at a time when a doctorate actually meant something.

I later went low contact with my parents.

So sorry BigLouis Sending hugs! It's so hurtful isn't it! My Dad never stops criticising "big women" and also let it be known at the weekend what a disappointment I am that I do not have his character!!! Thankfully I do not!!! Also thankfully, I was able to take this with interest and grace, having done some healing. I understand now that he takes everything personally, including and especially the fact that I am my own person, have not allowed him to dictate who I am (Or am not!) He said that according to him I have failed, so I said that according to me, I have not.

Somehow he can never admit (to me) that I have excelled and done things he can only dream of. How dare I not stay within his boundaries (I mean control) of my life. HAHA. I do not look for parental approval. I accept that I will never have it and do not want to change myself in order to chase something that never was and never will be.

I was never "good enough" and never will be "good enough", but for the right people I am always GOOD ENOUGH. We all are. It just depends who you're with. I really think the secret to happiness is being with the right people who love and accept you as you are and encourage you to be the best version of yourselves. Sending hugs to everyone going through this and please remember, they make everything about them including us being who we are. But not everything is about them and they can't handle that. Yes, narcs.

Thankyou all for the lovely messages Allsorts, Icanhandthemback , Smileless , LadyHonoriaDeadlock , ForestFlame, Kate1949 , Hetty58 and everyone else. Sending you festive hugs and remember that when someone throws mud, flowers grow. I think we have to thrive, despite them.

Onward and those that had such bad mothers or fathers, so sorry, I can’t begin to understand how that must have made you feel, nothing can take that pain away, but now you see them for what they are, cruel and unfeeling.. Nothing would make any of treat our children that way. ,You know it now for what us was, abuse, you owe them nothing. Concentrate on you and those you love and the life you’ve made. I have had so many dark days since my d estranged me, wonder how she justifies it. I think back to my parents and the love they gave me, to my husband who died too young but we had many wonderful years together. In my darkest hours it keeps me going. It doesn’t matter if your pretty or not, everyone has their unique qualities, a kind heart and a genuine like of people is worth so much more, too much emphasis is put on being perfect, but we are all good enough.
Leave those toxic people where they belong, in the past.

It's funny that this should come up today. I was clearing my mother's house and going through photos. In it was one of me aged 11 and I remarked to my husband how fat I was. He looked at it and asked me why I thought I was fat because I looked just a normal weight to him. I explained that my mother lectured me for the entire summer holidays about being so fat and I felt wretched. She has never missed a chance to make a cutting remark about the size of my stomach, my manly figure, etc.
I have learned to let the comments go over my head now but the damage was awful for years. She lies, she cheats and is completely narcissistic but I figure she has to live with herself, I can get away from her. I know which one of us is happier.

It didn't make me stronger. I'm a quivering wreck waiting for the next bad thing.

Feeling so sorry for some of the posters on here. Reading your posts, it sounds like your Mum's etc are Narcissistic. There was a very interesting thread over on Mumsnet not long ago about Narcissistic mother's. There are a lot more of them out there then you would think!

It didn't kill us............it simply made us stronger!

Thank you OnwardandUpward. I'm sorry for what you experienced too.

My mother was queen of the put downs and I'd just be waiting for the next insult. My brother was a victim too, my sister was adored.

As an adult, I took little notice, having heard so much rubbish spouted against others, with no logic or reason to it.

Anyone fat was lazy or greedy, according to her (quite funny, as she was hardly slim herself). Poverty was caused by not marrying 'well', not working hard enough - or spending unwisely - simple.

The slightest physical fault was feared and hated, causing rejection, constant comments and victim blaming. She was to be centre-stage, never questioned or interrupted, ruling the roost.

My lovely father just worshipped her - so she slowly got worse over the years. He was aware of her faults, though, and quietly told us to take no notice - as she wasn't well.

A strange childhood that led to my limiting contact with the grandchildren - as I had to be there to defend them. She was better behaved in public, a tyrant at home. I had detached myself emotionally, early on, so didn't feel sad (or anything) when she died.