Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Well done Smiles you must feel very nervous about doing a solo, what's the song?

DL your vicar sounds lovely and sounds like a bit of a tonic for you with your little chats. Our AC always see us as the strong head of the family, mine do. I wish I had a partner, husband, so he can be the head.

You have done a good job sorting out the funeral, well done you, when is it?

Morning all.

As Whiff has said DL The rest can wait. Save your physical and emotional energy for what needs to be done as you prepare for the funeral.

For now that is the only point. Having a service, whatever form it takes, that will be meaningful for you and what your DH would have wanted and getting through the hardest of days.

I've had that a lot over the years that I'm the strong one, but even the strongest can't be strong all of the time and you need to be able to be, how you need to be so if you need to cry; cry. If you need to shout and scream; shout and scream and if you need to close the door and not answer the 'phone then do so x.

I think there should be some way of dealing with these people who don't abide by the rules hugs and leave their rubbish behind when they vacate the house they've sold, and have been less than honest about any issues that the buyer is unaware of.

The one responsible for the change of use and refurbishment of our house and the girls next door should have kept an eye on who was carrying out the work, but it looks as if he used some sub standard workmen which is why we've had so many issues.

We had a full survey but all the problems we've had wouldn't have been apparent as they presented over a period of time.

Yes Yogin, my singing has taken off. I have a small solo in my teacher's concert next month; the first solo I've done for many years so there's a mixture of excitement and nervous anticipation. She's told me to engage my 'inner diva'.

Thanks, @whiff...I think I'm trying to do too much, mentally, too quickly. I need to go with the flow a bit. 💐

DiamondLily my husband made me promise to live the best life I can. Your husband would want you to do the same. That doesn't mean you can't cry all day if you want do it. Scream,shout,swear rant at your husband for dieing I have done all that. The rage anger felt like it was consuming me but I let it out and felt so much better. I still after 19 years feel that rage and anger at times.

I found woman didn't like it if their husbands offered to do jobs for me it's as if they thought I was after another man. My husband wasn't perfect But neither I am but he was perfect for me and me him. I am lonely but only for him not because I am on my own. Even as a child I was happy with my own company. I suppose it's because I had health problems and fell a lot and bullied. My husband was and still is my world.

Your husband will always be your husband and he would want you to live the best life you can. But that's not possible yet. Given time you will. But it's all to soon yet. Grief like love never dies . In my case both gets stronger.

Take comfort in that love you shared and only do what you want and need to do about his estate. The rest can wait. 🌹

I don't know they do treat you differently @Whiff....I've certainly got people avoiding me so that they don't have to talk about it.

But, to be fair, I'm also guilty of hiding myself away, so that I don't have to talk to them.

I went to DDs on Sunday, and just felt so low over there, but, of course, I masked it. As I do. Plus, my DD is looking strained -as well as me, she has a busy life, and endless dramas with 4 young adults to look after.

I got home, had a meltdown and wondered what the bloody point of it all is, but I know I've got to get up daily, and do it all again.

It's wearing though, trying to find some purpose in life.

My family are great, but it's no replacement with loneliness. DH and I were together 24/7, because of health, and the days drag on.

As for the funeral, I've got 4 cars because we've got a large family. But, I have shuffled people around, because I'm so sick of his family. I've also told DD and SIL I want them in the front with me at the chapel.

Funnily enough the vicar phoned me Sunday night. He did the services for my mum and dad, and knows the family a bit, so I chose him.

Even though I'm not religious, which he knows, he has a calming effect on me. He "gets" people - he was a prison chaplain for years, so not much surprises him.

He asked me how I was, I said oh, ok, and he told me to stop with saying that - he said to stop it, that he knew I wasn't fine, because he'd lost his partner, and nothing feels fine.

Anyway, we had a nice chat, and he's coming over on Friday to talk to DD and myself.

I am having a wake, DD and I are doing a buffet in an adjoining hall, and I've bought some beer, wine and soft drinks for it. There's a lot of people coming, and I had to do something.🙄

Dreading the day though.

Still, my son is flying over on Sunday, it'll be nice to see him, but he needs to knock it off with his constant refrain to me that I've always been the strength in the family, and I need to get back to that....if I could, I would lol Jeez, I don't think he gets this at all.🙄

Still, on with another day. All have a good one.💐

DiamondLily I didn't realise there was any funeral protocol . I have organised 3 funerals and only had one car for each. My husband's there was me ,our children,my parents and mother in law. No flowers and no wake. Just donations we got about £5,000 plus . Only person who spoke was the funeral director who ran the service. No wake . My son went out with a friend and my daughter went out with 3 friends from uni who had hired a car and drove down. My daughter's boyfriend wasn't at the funeral she didn't want him to come.

Dad's funeral mom,me ,my children, and my daughter's boyfriend. My future daughter in law couldn't get the time off work in the car. My brother wanted to drive himself and his family. His ex wife didn't come . Mom wanted just a medium size wreath on coffin and each put a note on it. No other flowers but donations for charity. Dad's only request was no woman vicar. My daughter had written and did the eulogy it was all about the picnics mom and dad took all the grandchildren on. It was funny and sad my daughter read it with tears rolling down her face. No wake just my brother's family came back to mom's for some food. Which I had prepared.

Mom's funeral in the car was me ,my children and their spouses plus my baby grandson. My brother drove himself,wife and youngest daughter . Rest of family drove themselves.Had the same wreath with notes . My brother did the eulogy how it got through it without crying until the end I don't know. No wake just family at mind for food . Shock horror his ex wife walked in after his children . She was not invited . My son offered to throw her out but it would have upset my youngest niece. So I ignored her so did my children and my sister in law. My nephew and nieces didn't stay long and took her home. My brother apologised and said there would be words . My grandson never made a sound throughout mom's funeral and he was only 5 months old.

My mother in law's funeral was a farce her brother and wife where executors . My mother in law had changed her will . It was originally my children as executors and after a few thousand to her brother the rest of her estate was to come to them. She had promised my husband her son that. Who breaks their word to a dieing man. My mother in law. The funeral went from the funeral directors not her own which I found very odd and to me wrong . There where 2 cars one for me and my family and one for her brother and his . She was born catholic but didn't practice from when she married but in her mid 80's decided to be one again. So there was a mass at the funeral at the church. My son and I followed the coffin in and the priest flicked the water twice on the coffin hitting me in the face each time my children and spouses laughed. I felt like saying I 'm melting I and my family are atheists. The whole funeral was a farce. My daughter had been ask to read a passage which she did brilliantly unfortunately her nephew fluffed his reading. I had choose a wreath with all the colours I knew she liked from us. The one from her brother and family looked like they made it themselves it was awful just twigs ,holly and ivy. But what really annoyed me they had a photo of her in the coffin at her eldest nephews wedding. She had refused to go too both her grandchildren's weddings. Then to the Crem and a wake . Thankfully after the will and me helping clear the house never had anything to do with my husband's family ever again. Mind you if she had been buried I would have dug the old cow up and left on top after I found out she changed her will and her grandchildren only got a third each of her estate and a third to get brother. She was a vile person in life and death. The wake was at a pub people got drunk . My children had to get a taxi to get their cars from the funeral home. We didn't stay long.

After my husband died she denied she had a son and grandchildren. And it wasn't grief but wickedness. But like when my husband was alive as much as I hated his parents and he never liked them but said he loved them. Still went every week to visit them . I looked after his mom for 11 years and I hated her . I was her emergency contact and it was me who sat by her side 15 hours a day for the last 2 days of her life. Her brother and sister in law plus her sister turned up once she was dead.

But as much as I hated my mother I law I couldn't abandon her. My children never did either. She didn't deserve to out live her son by 11 years.

DiamondLily once your husband's funeral is over you never have to deal with your stepchildren ever again. Your own children have proved how much they love you and your husband and that's to be cherished. He must have been a wonderful man for your children to love him . Unfortunately his own are a waste of space.

Life is hard to get through everyday once you lose the other half of yourself but like all those who have lost their other halves we are lucky to have been so loved and to loved. I haven't been whole since my husband took his last breath. All the hurt my son has caused me doesn't come close to the death of my husband. And in my experience my grief has gotten worse over the years I have just learnt to cope with it. But even after 19 years it overwhelms me but I don't fight the feelings not like in the early years where I thought I had to be brave . I was a fool but I was 45 when widowed and that me thought it had to be for everyone else . But the only person I hurt was me. Only wish someone had told me how it would feel and the anger and rage I felt at my husband dieing and leaving me was normal I thought I was wicked. But when you are 45 and widowed people expect you to just get on with things. If I had been in my 60's I would have been treated differently.

Being widowed at any age is awful why were older people showed more understanding and compassion than people widowed in their 30's and 40's. I know this was in 2004 but from what I read and know there is still that divide. Are we expected to find a replacement husband ? Our grief is just as hard to bear as an older person. My husband was my one and only and he is still my husband and I still love him to this day and miss him all the time. And yes I have talked about it in bereavement threads.

But wanted to support DiamondLily and all widows here. 💐

Allsorts If you're happy in your home don't move, just close off the parts of your house you don't use, and you could always get a gardener to come in once per month to make it easier for you. I had to move to get rid of my mortgage.

Good luck with your singing Smiles It's really taken off hasn't it.

Thank you Allsorts & Whiff.

Best of luck with the funeral DL I had some unpleasantness with the funeral cars for my mum's funeral. My brother insisted we only needed 1 car, I said 2, pointing out who would be in the car: me my sister & brother & my 3 C. He said he was fine with that forgetting his wife! so only 1 car was ordered. One hell of an argument ensued. I ordered another car, but the damaged was done, my brother not piping up that it was he who only wanted 1 car.

The things the sellers should have done and didn't is a long list Whiff - they were less than honest about a lot of things. Still, I'd sooner plod on and sort stuff than fret about it. Sounds like you've had a busy few days. I've enjoyed reading all your news. Hope you're happy with the haircut. I remember having a perm that went a bit haywire many years ago and when hubby came home I was still hiding. . Hope you had lovely sun for the gardening, it was gorgeous here the last couple of days.

Thinking of you Diamond Lily. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this unnecessary stress. It's the last thing you need. I hope things go as you would hope them to.

We had a day off for a picnic and a walk which was lovely, then back to resealing the conservatory for me and more pointing for Mr H - it was very pleasant weather to work in though.

Thinking of you Diamond Lily. Hope the funeral passes without any unnecessary drama and you can grieve well.

DiamondLily I hope the funeral is just as you would wish for your husband and for yourself

I have seen Quartet Whiff. It is excellent

DiamondLily FWIW I think you've done the right thing. It doesn't matter about so called protocol, what's important is having the ones who have and will continue to support you, by your side on what will be such a difficult day and that includes being with you in the car.

Your wonderful H will want you to do what ever you need too that will help you on the day.

Sounds as if your mother's day present was lovely Whiff. Your D's cheeky alright; sounds just like her mum.

I shall have to watch Quartet sounds like my kind of film and the home sounds rather appealing to.

Hope your roses will be OK and it did make me think about the Queen of Hearts in Alice and Wonderland who insisted that the cards paint all of her white roses red.

I think you should stop thinking about moving for the time being Allsorts and enjoy your garden now that summer's approaching.

It's hard to leave a home you love which in a way is why I'm glad I fell out of love with ours because it would have been much harder and TBH when the time came, I was surprised just how easy it was.

Talking to your H is lovely and knowing that H's never far away from you is a beautiful and ongoing spiritual experience.

Plenty of here today but a chilly breeze which is rather unfortunate for Mr. S. as we're having a BBQ later instead of a roast dinner.

I've got my first rehearsal for a concert that my singing teacher and her fellow teacher are doing. They want some pupils from each class to perform 'A Million Dreams' and she asked me if I'd join them. It's a great song and should be good.

I am fed up with sentences changing after I’ have checked them, I’m sure there is a gremlin in this thing. Should have been roses and not iris.

💐Daimond Lil, thoughts are with you, glad you have those that do care there for you. The rest do not matter, don’t waste life on takers.
Whiff, love to hear your rambles, I Wouk£ b3cquute upset if my beautiful rises went white, mine are lovely now, I just use tomato rite now and then but no doubt someone will say it’s wrong, it’s always worked for me. Sitting in my garden and all I can hear is birdsong, I moan about the trees, but everything looks so green and pretty I know why I drag my heels about moving, it’s very hard work but I’m getting older and never used to notice, however I do get enormous pleasure looking at it though.
I’ve never had a supernatural experience Smileless, I would like one. I do talk to my husband in my head as he’s never far away to me.

Well, I seem to have spent the week rocketing about between, sorrow, stress and anger (at others).

Eldest SS's wife texted me to say none of them wanted to say anything about DH at his funeral - I was relieved in a way, but cross that he appeared to mean so little to them or his adult grandchildren..🙄

What a weird lot they are. I cannot understand them at all. They resented him alive in case he became a burden, they don't care now.

My SS's wife has always resented my daughter - no reason I can fathom, I think she just resented the love between DD and DH that developed over the years.

Well, she'll really be affronted with the funeral - I've decided (in a strop), to bypass protocol. So, my DD and SIL are coming in the front car with me, and sitting with me in the chapel. If SS and SS's wife don't wish to share that space, then tough.

It's been DD and family that have been with me - not that lot.

I've had enough of it all. Fed up with the stupid meaningless texts. His GD messaged me to ask if I'd received her card, as I hadn't thanked her....er, no, I hadn't. I didn't think of it. Too preoccupied I guess...🙄

No idea whether the youngest son is coming. Couldn't care less, as long as leaves me alone.

DD came over to help me upload photos to the funeral streaming firm, for the collage. We had to sort out 25 photos, and I intended to include a few from his side, but there's only one picture here, so it'll be 24 of me, him, and my lot - one of the other side.😗

My son is flying home from the states next Sunday, with my GS and partner, be nice to see them.. my DIL is following a few days later. I know he's trying to support me from afar, but the donkey work has fallen on my daughter, so it'll be nice for her to have some help. She's been a star, but I'm mindful of not over loading her. I'm not blaming him but support from a distance is always limited.

But, it's hard - it just feels I'm dragging myself through a day to get through it.

DD and SIL are coming later to take me over there for dinner, so hopefully I can shake of this despondency with the GCs.

All have a nice day x

I posted about page 27 before reading this one.
Well had a busy week Monday sit fit classes. Our oldest member made me laugh she is going to a wedding in Spain in a few weeks and one of her sons has brought a light weight folding chair to carry about. She said what did buy that for he said incase you get tired and need a sit down rubbish I will be fine. She's 90 and makes me laugh every week. Hope if I reach 90 I am like her.
Later on the afternoon had phone appointment with UC my usual contact was on holiday but she had told the man I spoke to about me. He was lovely . Why can't the PIP people be like them . With universal credit they actually see you in person for your interview and treat you as a person . After seeing my mobility my lovely lady said we do phone appointments I am not dragging you back here.

Tuesday had my hair cut. Glad to say my hairdresser is still with his boyfriend they are going to Glastonbury. I remember when both of my children and their other halves went.

Phoned a friend and got very worried when I couldn't get her. But thankfully she phoned me later to let me know what problem she had to deal with. I was just relieved she was ok.

Wednesday had 12 bags of compost delivered,path weed killer ,bugs spray for roses and my veg. Whatever you do don't buy Rose clear organic bug spray it comes out white and my roses are now white and it won't wash off. Have complained to manufacture and shop I had it from. Just hope it hasn't killed my roses .

Went to my daughter's on the afternoon and heard them in the garden so knocked the gate. I am ninny nannie to the youngest mind you I did put his helmet on back to front so he could ride his scooter and push along bike. Had time with my other grandson after school and before his swimming lesson. Stayed for dinner. My daughter took home the broad beans and Pak Choi plants . Her blueberry bush I gave her is full of berries my 2 died so will be using the very large planters to grow veg.

Had a nice surprise the health forums from UC came
and a lady at the Brain Charity will help me fill them in.

Thursday craft group. 2 of our members a mother and daughter made gluten free flapjacks I asked for the recipe best ones I have tasted they made a chocolate cake as well yum. As usual the subject matter started innocently and descended in filth. But thats our odd ball group. And I love it.

Friday talked to my friend in the Black country. Had to keep running off as I have a UTI. Had phoned the Drs earlier to ask for a prescription for antibiotics. I am very lucky with my GP surgery they believe me when I ask for things and supply what I need without to talking or seeing them. Prescription got sent over to the pharmacy at 8pm. My daughter fetched them for me yesterday morning. Also Friday my roofer came and a piece of felt had come off the corner of my garage roof. They put the new on in 2019 and gave me a 10 year guarantee for all parts and labour.

Yesterday went to the theatre for my mother's day present to see Keith Brymer Jones talking about his life his wife was with him and kept him on track. Don't know if any of you love the pottery challenge on 4 if you haven't watched it all the series are on All 4. It's just like he is on the show a genuine person he even cried . If you get a chance to see him live do so it was a brilliant 2 hours . He even did a pottery demo while talking. On you tube there is a video I hope you will watch called Rolling clay with Keith Brymer Jones. Keith Brymer Jones vs Adele 1st December 2015. It's hilarious he's in drag but the words are brilliant..
We had been to a restaurant for dinner before hand . Had a pizza which my daughter cut up for me. That's one thing about living here no one bats an eyelid if I ask for my food to be cut up and ask for a spoon and fork instead of a knife.

Haven't been out for a Saturday night since moving and hadn't been in the city at night for about a decade. Didn't get home until 10.30 and went straight to bed. Mind you my cheeky daughter said you can tell it's an old person's street everyone is in bed . Our age range is early 30's who is in a wheelchair to mid 90's. Bedrooms on the front and living rooms on the back . Not everyone was asleep.

Today need to pot up my plants into there final growing pots. So will have fun in my greenhouse and outside.

Only things booked so far for next week exercise class and craft group. Wednesday will be baking for the group. Will pop out shopping Tuesday. But things seem to happen so I get booked up. But that's what I love about living here I live a full life no longer just exist as I did .

Have a great week everyone. Ramble over 😁

Yogin for all your ups and downs with your neighbour when you first moved in you have shown what a brilliant,caring neighbour you are. Sorry he died but by the sound of it it was a quick death. I know where I used to live I could have been dead a week and no one would have noticed. But here if no one sees for me for 2 days I have a knock on my door to check on me. Having the flowers delivered showed how much his family felt about you caring to call the police and ambulance . I know it was upsetting for you but shows what a wonderful person you are and you did do enough never doubt yourself.

Glad you get all the birds in your garden . I don't feed the birds as it attracts the squirrels while they are lovely to look at its not nice when one gets in your loft. Had one never again. My roofers squirrel proofed my roof using thick hinged PVC which fits until the tile and into the gutter. But I do have a pond in my garden . It's a medium size deep planter with rocks in and room for 2 plants and oxygenation plants keep the water clear the birds can get a drink all year round..I break the ice in the winter for them.

Glad the wallpaper went back up . Another job well done.

Hugs the first year after moving is non stop and costs lot of money. The house should have been cleared by the sellers before you completed. But saying that when my brother and sister in law brought their first house the loft was full so was the the garage. When he complained to the seller he attitude was tough. Once the loft was cleared found they needed a new roof. The surveyor couldn't get into the loft to report on it but did say he thought it would need replacing. At least the weather is getting hotter so getting jobs done is easier . Well I found it was.

Smiles bet your home looks brand new with all yours and Mr S's hard work. At least you know it's water tight now. Hope you car keeps going for a few more years yet.

Madgran never seen Ladies in Lavender brilliant actresses but never fancied watching it. But do like the music from the film. Have you ever seen Quartet with Maggie Smith,Tom Courtney,Billy Connolly and Pauline Collins set in a home for old opera and music stars. Brilliant film one for you as well Smiles with all the music.

Madgran glad your tea was a great success . You are like me and cater for all dietary needs. I would hate anyone to come and not be able to eat anything. Like when I bake for craft group I know my gangs likes and dislikes and allergies.

Yoga, you did your best at the time, with hindsight no one would make a mistake about anything. You are too harsh on yourself, the outcome would have been the same. It was his time. You have a good heart give yourself a break as you would others, 💐

Thank you Smiles your post brought a lump to my throat. I can never forgive myself in not acting sooner.

Thank you Madgran It was so strange. I'm so upset, can't get it out of my head. Even if he died instantly, he was still left lying there for 2 days. But perhaps you could say he had 2 more days in his home that he loved, he'd been living there for 36yrs!

That's lovely Madgran and like you, I believe messages come in different ways.

I have never forgotten, the day after my mum died. I was driving back from her home and suddenly felt this completely overwhelming warmth like a sort of warm hug but no pressure. It lasted a few minutes and somehow I just knew it was mum telling me she was ok and saying farewell! I have never had such an experience since but I remembered my mum describing a similar thing that she experienced the day after my dad died. It is inexplicable, but since then I have always believed that messages do come in different ways. Yogin maybe it was Dave. And how lovely that his daughter appreciated your kindness.

Well you'll probably think I'm mad but when I read your post Yogin I got goose bumps because I think the light was a message of reassurance from Dave. He's OK, he knows that you did what you could and you couldn't have done more.

I've had several supernatural/spiritual experiences over the years and there are similarities with what you've experienced.

I hope that this and the thoughtful bouquet from his D will help to put your mind at ease x.