Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Why can't anything be straightforward? So, Mr. S. went home for Tuesday night to be there early yesterday morning to take delivery of the decking. It wasn't delivered as because Monday was a bank holiday, it was due to be delivered today.

Back he came which as it turns out was a good thing as we got the rest of the fence painted. There was plenty of giggling as he slapped the paint on and I, who seem incapable of making a mess regardless of what I'm doing, took longer.

What really gets me is that the end result of his slapping the paint on and my meticulous approach is the same, if you ignore the paint on the ground and just look at the fence, you wouldn't be able to tell who'd painted where .

Back to my rant. So to be there early this morning to take delivery, he went home again last night. He's just 'phoned to say that the decking's been delivered but not the clips needed to fix it together.

They should arrive tomorrow as being sent by courier so the builder's left as there's nothing he can do until they arrive. If they arrive first thing tomorrow they should be able to get the job finished but if not, they wont be able to come back until Wednesday next week.

Mr. S. is not a happy bunny but I told him it's more annoying for the builder as this set back, especially if they can't get it finished this week, will disrupt his work schedule.

Looks as if we'll be here at the flat for longer than planned but that's OK as we've still got outside jobs to do.

Welcome mom.

Smileless gives wise advice. Let him fly!

When I asked him WHY he chose to move to a far away place, he gave me the same excuses: liked the city, liked the country, etc... which to me it sounds like excuses to be away from us.

I do think that you need to think about WHY you hear your sons reasons for their choices as "excuses to be away from" you. Those REASONS for moving are entirely reasonable and don't suggest that they are anything atall to do with being away from you. Liking a country and liking a city are totally valid reasons for choosing to live there!

Their choices may not be what you want but that does not make them wrong. You have raised an independent thinking strong man who knows what he wants from life, who seems happy with his wife , who is building a family and a career. Be proud of him and of what you have done as a parent to help him grow into the adult that he is. Now let him go and live the life he wants. Build your new relationship with him around his choices.

Hello momfromthesouth and welcome to this thread and to GN.

There appears to be two issues here. The first is that despite what you feel is the 'norm', where AC return to where they were born and raised after graduation, your son has chosen not too. He's married and has established a life that's further away than you expected.

He's now planning on moving even further away, so he and his wife can pursue the life and careers they wish, with plans to start a family.

This is what they do. Some stay close to home and others move away, some to the other side of the world and although it's hard because we miss them, we cannot and should not expect them to make decisions about their lives, bases on what we would prefer.

The second is an apparent coolness in your relationship with him which I would suggest is a direct result of the first. He probably doe miss you, but will he say so if that then gives you the opportunity to ask why if that's the case, he lives so far away and is planning to live still further?

Distance is relative. We live approximately 27 miles from our estranged son and only GC and will never see any of them. Spending time with him and his family was all we ever wanted, but it's not going to happen because he doesn't want us in his life.

It doesn't matter how far away your son, d.i.l. and any children they have live, as long as you are in their lives you will be a part of their lives.

Our other son lives in Australia, the other side of the world and we talk on Facetime almost every week and couldn't be any closer.

You ask him for reasons and when he gives them, you call them excuses but they're not, they're reasons. His and his wife's reasons.

I suggest that you write a letter, apologising for not being supportive. Explain why but do so without making him feel that he's responsible for how you feel because he isn't.

It doesn't matter how far away he lives, you'll always be his mum and a grandmother to any children they have, but only if you set him free to live the life he chooses.

You raised him and gave him wings, so let him fly with your blessing.

He doesn’t have to defend his life choices to you. He is an adult. Whatever his reasoning is, you won’t find it acceptable. He isn’t giving excuses. Those are his reasons. You don’t have to like them. He is not obligated to take your wishes into consideration. You are being told by nearly everyone in your path, including the therapist you are ignoring, that you are trying to control him. Your control issue is so deep you cannot even distinguish controlling behavior from healthy behavior. Your son tried to tell you this. It fell on deaf ears and now he will not answer your calls. You are practically forcing an estrangement. Just try to understand that he knows what’s best for him and deserves to be happy. Why should he be less happy to make you happy? Why should his wife? Why is your happiness more important than everyone else’s?

lyleLyle I respectfully disagree. Forcing him to make the choices I want? Guilting?

Sorry but I'm not doing any of that. HE chose the university he wanted to attend, HE chose his graduation and HE chose to stay there after graduating.

I never forced him to do anything, every choice was his to take. It's definitely not what I wanted from him, but what can I do besides accept?

All I ever asked is for him and his wife to but a little bit of consideration for me and my husband, they never did that. You may argue that moving to another country is what he wanted - but he never tells me the reason WHY.

When I asked him WHY he chose to move to a far away place, he gave me the same excuses: liked the city, liked the country, etc... which to me it sounds like excuses to be away from us.

He never says he misses us, barely hugged me while he visited. It's like the loving child I raised doesn't exist anymore.

Your son is 100% correct. Please stop trying to control his life. It is unnatural and indefensible. It’s normal to be sad when your offspring grow up. Guilt tripping them or making them feel bad for choosing to live happily is toxic.

Apologize to your son and his wife. Stop trying to force him to make the choices you want. It’s unloving. Be a loving mother and be happy that your son grew into an independent man. Get the professional help you need in order to cope. But please stop pushing your son away emotionally. It’s not right.

Hello everyone! This is my first post here, I am not really tech savy so I didn't know if I was supposed to create a thread or just post here since the thread seems general. Also, I'm from South America so English is not my first language, I'm relying on translator to help me post everything, I'm really sorry if I just say something that sounds stupid or non-coherent.

Well, here's my situation...I'm not completely estranged from my son, but I feel this is what will happen soon. I tried reaching out a sub reddit but I was received with heavy criticism and was called an evil mom, simply for expressing to my son I wished he lived closer to us. He was never rebellious, in fact he was always a good kid, and very rarely confronted us or talked back.

To give a bit of context, I'm 57 and my husband is 64, we are from a small town in South America, we come from a culture where family togetherness is encouraged, and children rarely move so far away from parents - they usually leave for college, but after graduating they normally move back to our town to live near their parents and extended families, or if they don't end up living here, they stay within 50km or so from our town (we're really close to our state's Capital, so there's no such thing as "there is no job opportunities in our area"). The families are never really separated, they see each other almost every weekend. I know this may sound like too much for people from the USA, but it's really pretty standard where we come from.

Now, my son is 33, and he moved away when he was 18. He went to a very prestigious State University. The city where he moved was a 3h drive from our town, which was not bad for us - some of our friends' kids ended up going to college in another state (12h drive, or even more!), we were very happy when our son was approved on this University, since it was not so far away we could see each other often (normally we visited, or he visited us once every month).

While still in college, he was able to get an internship and then a full time job on his field, during his last year - this made us really proud, to see he was able to earn his own money without even having finished college. He also met his girlfriend there, who is now his wife. We loved her since we met her, and her family was from a town about 70km from ours, which seemed perfect!

Naturally, since it was always the way things worked where we lived, we expected him to move back after graduating. We were wrong - he decided to stay where he was, and moved in with his wife.

Not gonna lie, I didn't like this idea from the start, and I always thought he should be thinking about moving back to our town, or his wife's family's town, or at least to our State's Capital, where they would have better job opportunities than where they lived, plus he would not be 3h away from us anymore, and we would be able to see each other every weekend.

Whenever I touched the subject of him moving closer, he shrugged it off saying he didn't really want to, because he and his wife were happy where they were (he gave all kinds of excuses not to - he liked the city, he liked his job, he liked where he was and didn't want to leave).

After they got married, I gave up on this matter and thought "well, it could be worse" - at least we lived on the same state and still saw each other with some frequency.

Things did got worse. In February 2019, out of nowhere, my son announced that he and his wife would be moving to North America at the end of the year. They were both interviewed and hired by different enterprises, and he told me that with the biggest smile on his face, I remember this like it was yesterday, it was like a slap in my face.

I tried to be happy for him, I really did. But I couldn't help but resent this decision. I never thought he could do such a thing - WHY was he choosing to move to NORTH AMERICA? So all those excuses not to move closer to us were lies? Didn't he like where he lived, even if it was 3 hours away?

Now, one may argue that they would have better opportunities in North America than where we lived, but it's really not the case - had they pursued it, he and his wife would be able to land perfect jobs at our State's Capital, with a better payment AND with a lower cost of living (I did the math, I'm not simply saying this out of nowhere) than where they are now.

Still, they chose to move. Now my son isn't a 3h drive from us anymore, he is almost 10000km away, and we can't see each other often. It breaks my heart and I don't know how to deal with all of this.

My son came for a visit earlier this year, when I shared the news that my father - his grandfather - was not doing so well. He stayed for 2 weeks, his wife stayed there because she couldn't get time off work.

A few days before he left, I asked him if they were planning to move back, and how long he thought they would be staying where they were.

My son's face went from some kind of shocked to angry after I questioned him. He told me they had ZERO (he put a big emphasis on ZERO) plans to move back, and quite the opposite: they are planning on buying a house there! He told me he was waiting to share the news on a happier situation so he didn't mention anything since he was visiting his ill grandfather.

He then asked me how long have I been making plans for him like that? I told him "well, all my life, every parent makes plans for their children, even if it's just a dream, but we make plans"

He then told me he was felt offended because I was making a plan for his family, that he and his wife are adults and they should be the ones making plans, not us.

I told him I never expected him to fully follow what I planned for him, but I never thought he would be so inconsiderate to not even take my feelings into account when making such a life changing decision like they did.

Things were awkward after that, and he left a few days after.

I feel like I'm irrational, I feel I should be happy for my son and his wife for being so independent and ambitious, and I admire their courage to explore the world, but I can't help but feel he is abandoning me. I CAN'T understand his decision to move so far away from his family - this almost feels like he doesn't care for us, or don't love us.

WHY was it SO EASY for him to not think about us? I know it's his life and I don't get to have an opinion, but it's hard not to think these stuff when literally every family around you have their kids nearby. Kids who grew up, graduated and took the time to put their family into their thoughts when they took life changing decisions.

And to get things even worse, I know they want to try having a kid once they buy their house - I know about this because my daughter in law's mother told me. She said my son didn't want to say anything to me so I wouldn't get more anxious and start making plans for the kid before they're even born.

We used to text everyday, but since his visit he's been very unresponsive, I'm the one always reaching out. If he lived nearby I could just take my car and go visit him, but I can't simply buy an expensive plane ticket and go (I don't even know the language of where they live to begin with).

So that's it. I no longer feel I have my son in my life. And I will also not have my grandkids in my life because they will all be living in another country.

How do I deal with this? I'm doing therapy for a few months now and all my therapist ever says is I don't get to control my adult son.

I don't want to control him. All I ever ask is for him to put a little bit of thought on me for a change. Like I said: he never once thought about how I would feel if he moved so far away.

I'm very sorry for this long rant. I know this is my issue, and not my son's. I know I need to deal with this alone, but it's so hard not having anyone I can talk to.

It doesn't get any easier to see all those families around us gathering every weekend. Adult children with their own kids, seeing the grandparents and having a happy life. This is all I ever wanted, and all I'm never getting.

Sorry again for the rant

Morning all.

Good for you Whiff, getting out in your garden and greenhouse was the best thing you could have done. That sense of accomplishment when you've had a busy day is priceless, as is simply getting on with life in the best way you can.

Maybe this was something you needed to do to, to have that heartbreaking but important confirmation that there's no going back.

Our ES's still able to contact us via email and we can contact him. It is strange that we could contact him and that is still available to you despite what your son has said. Perhaps they need to have that option, even though they've made it quite obvious that they want nothing to do with us.

Letting go of that hope is hard but for me necessary in order to begin to heal.

My car's in our local garage Allsorts and they think it might need a new battery. It's 9 or 10 years old and has the original battery so I'm hoping that is the problem as it wont be too expensive and the problem easily sorted.

We've all done it haven't we, especially when it comes to our EAC, assumed that we are the problem, that we are at fault before we reach that place that enables us to see that it's not us, it's them.

Distraction is such a good thing Sparkly especially in the early days, weeks, months and even years of estrangement. The first time you realise that you haven't thought about your EAC for a period of time can feel really quite liberating.

You're right Spring, that does seem to be a stock response doesn't it. There has to come a time when we refuse to put ourselves through the hurt of thinking that there may be a possibility of resuming contact.

Our sons have changed beyond all recognition haven't they Hilltop and become cruel and heartless strangers.

The builders came yesterday; hooray!!! The old decking's been removed, the roof cleaned and checked (all good) and a much better and bigger drainage hole to go out through the wall into a new hopper that they'll be sorting out today.

This could be the final hurdle and an end to the issues with water ingress we've had ever since we bought the house 6.5 years ago.

They were supposed to be delivering the new decking this morning at 8.00 am so Mr. S. went home last night but the builder got the date wrong and they're not coming until tomorrow.

They'll do what they can today and he'll have to stay over again tonight to be there when the delivery arrives. Preferable to leaving here at 7.00 am but it always feels strange when he's not here at night and first thing in the morning.

Outside stair case finished and I started painting the fence yesterday, about a third done so I'm steeling myself to get some more done today, and hoping Mr. S. will be back by lunch time to give me a hand.

Allsorts I do have a lot to look forward to. Giving up any hope with my son and grandson's while it hurts I can now close that chapter in my life. I will never contact him again. But do find it odd he hasn't blocked me .

My daughter text after 9 last night to say they where home and boys asleep in bed. Back to cold rainy Britain but the break did then the world of good.

Well not much else to say. But thank you all for being here. Got me through another upset. 😘

Well done Whiff. You have a lot to look forward to.

Afternoon everyone and Happy Easter to those celebrating. My little garden is getting a good amount of rain today. It’s looking flowery after the hard work of a freezing November day planting bulbs.
It takes my mind off family matters. It was one of my granddaughters birthdays over Holy Week.
But cheerful things to come - lunch out at a garden centre next week, and two dwarf fruit trees to tend as they are newly planted. One was a ‘lucky dip, lost label’ edible cherry tree, £19.99 and was 5 ft on arrival.
Distraction is a thing for me and I can recommend it for the situation we find ourselves in.

Just to let you know I am back to my normal self . Knackered but had 3 hours in the garden harvesting veg and setting up the staging in my greenhouse and sown my first lot of 🍅, shallots and Pak Choi . Thank you all for your best wishes. Life can only get better. 🌻

Look after yourself Whiff,

Whiff

Whiff, So sorry you felt driven to call your son, it was understandable as you wanted answers, the response you had was awful but at least you know now it's pointless. I have in the distant past tried to ring my daughter but I spoke to her directly, she made it clear there was to be no reunion as I got on her nerves, she spat the words out. For years I just left her alone but worried myself sick about what a failure I was as my own daughter felt like that. I understand now much more, my late mil every time we met each month, told the same stories, I knew what was coming and I dreaded going, my Fil was tight and somehow we ended up doing things he wouldn't do himself or pay for yet I put up with it for 25 years, I know am not guilty of that as I'm interested in today and tomorrow, but who knows what it was about me that made my daughter flip, all I know is that I am what I am and that's not good enough, so I leave her alone and know this is it. I value those people I do have, friends love us as we are, my sister and family also.
As for your friend not taking advice, I like getting a different perspective on things, but when I mull it all over I still do what I feel is right forme, I value the input but we are all different and have our own views in the end. She is probably worried about using her money as she over worries about what care she might need as she has no one and would have to pay heavily, the person she hurts the most us herself for not getting the most out of life. You know the saying, mean people make someone very rich when they die, they down di't quick enough.
Sil elses you're doing such a lot but it will vexworth it, hope your car soon fixed.

Thank you Smiles, Spring and Hilltop. Shows how upset I was woke up on my husband's side of the bed haven't done that since early days of my widowhood. But today's a new day. And will have to live with the fact it's ended . I am not a vengeful person but I hope one day a partner or either sex my grandson's choose does the same to them and they can feel this pain. But my son wrote the email,letter and text so he is as much to blame. I used to think he was like his dad. But his not as my husband loved his parents didn't like them but never gave up on them . My son has shown himself to be a coward and cruel and treated me worse than my in laws . At least they did and said things to our face.

What hurts so much is a woman who abandons not one but all 3 of her children in turn is better thought of me who had never abandoned anyone. Then moved back to this country after her divorce even though she had half of their house sale. Lives with my son and daughter in law 8 years this year . Forces my 3 grandson's to share a room and is dependant on my son and daughter in law who both work for a roof over her head and food on her plate. I am dependant on no one for those.

I spent 13 years living over 100 miles away only seeing my family few times a year . Both my daughter and son wanted me to live closer but couldn't until after my mom died in 2017. So moved here in 2019.

But I am proud of the fact I am depandant on no one for my home and food on my plate. I live an independent life . Yes I am lucky to see my daughter and grandson's every week apart from when they are on holiday. Which they have been for a week back later today. But she texted everyday to check up on me. The bugs love her blood. Got bit on her legs and ring finger and had to get her wedding ring off with washing up liquid as her finger swelled up double it's size. Good job she always has piriton with them.

I think it's the hardest think to bear when estranged is why only on side of the family favoured and bugger the other. My son hasn't just cut me out of his life but all over side of the family. My daughter doesn't care she never got on with her sister in law from their first meeting in 2005. And hasn't had anything to do with her brother for nearly 5 years. They where never close after my son started going out with his future wife. But they all behaved themselves when I was with them all. My brother is deeply hurt by my son's treatment of me and would like to know what the xxxx he ever did to him.

Today is a new day a new start . I will have to be as brave as all those of you who are long estranged are . At least I know there is no hope . And to be honest I have faced worse things so far in my life. My husband dieing and knowing I could have died in 2017. So I close that chapter of my life . And move on . I am very lucky to have friends here who understand and lucky I have family who love and care for me. So I better off than a couple of my friends as they have no blood family of their own . Anyway it's blood family that hurt you the most. At least you can choose your friends.

Thank you all for being here. Because of you I can cope with whatever life throws at me. ❤️

Oh Whiff that is so sad. You weren't stupid, just hopeful. What has happened to our sons that they can do this. I am so sorry. Start again, onward and upwards with your life.

Whiff I am so sorry. I had a similar response a few years back when I gently asked if we could meet/talk. Similar to you, I’d never gone to their home, nor would ever dream of going near it uninvited, so that bit surprised me. I wonder if it’s a stock response estranged AC give? The response also implied (I felt) that I was harassing them. I’ve sent only 3 short texts with long intervals in between. I got the message though. They really don’t want to even try to build a bridge, so hard though it is, I know I have to get on with my life and let go completely which is what I’ve done.
At first we try to reconnect, but eventually realise doing so just causes more hurt.
You have others who love you and to whom you give love. I hope this can be enough, and I send a big hug.

Well as expected had an abusive text stating I am not to contact him ,his wife or children via phone ,text,letter or email nor am I to go to their house. And then he ended with thank you for your understanding.

I have never been to their house unless he took me. At least I know it's finally over. As far as his concerned I am dead.

I will never mention him or my grandsons again. I will have to pretend they don't exist.

Crying's a good way to release anger Whiff; hope you're OK .

Was it stupid? No, not if it was something you needed to do.

Well I finally snapped today . It's been building up since I had my diagnosis last year and my son's non reply to my text but at least he didn't send the letter back I sent last year.

I phoned him I know it was stupid but I am fed up of this shit. Of course he didn't answer so left a voice message. Don't expect to hear anything back or may get an abusive text. But told him I had enough of this shit and time to face me.

I am so angry with him I could scream. Now I am crying but it's through anger.

Good to hear you found your precious necklace Whiff

Well done Smiles & Mr.S with all your hard work. Raining hard today, so good job done both of you.

I went to church Friday afternoon. It was a lovely church, just a walk away, but it was too formal for me, I didn't know any of the hymns sung. So will need to find another. I went to a Baptist church when I was a child, and this was a high CE.

Sorry to hear about your friend from your craft group Whiff. It's great that they've found the problem cells early but a worry never the less. Having people around you to care and support, be they family and friends, are such a blessing.

Being honest is the sign of a good friendship. It's a shame that she's not making the most of her finances. Of course we need to think about the future and what our needs maybe, especially if we don't have close family who may be able to help out, but life is for living and you can't take it with you.

We've had two busy days here at our flat, painting the metal outside stair case. Must be the worse thing in the world to do, the undercoat was OK but the top coat was like trying to paint with treacle.

Fun and games doing one half of the steps at a time so Mr. S. could carry to dogs down into the garden. Just the platform at the top to do but the forecast for next week's not very good.

Still got all the fence to paint, the 'ceiling' of the outside passage way (walls done) and some touching up on a few areas of the outside walls and then, all we be finished.

Fingers crossed that the roofer turns up on Tuesday to begin work on our roof terrace. Said he'd be there at the end of January so I'll believe it when I see it.

After we got here on Tuesday and I'd parked my car, all hell broke loose with the electrics going haywire!!! Thought we'd got it sorted as Mr. S. took it out a couple of times but yesterday the same thing happened.

Thankfully I'm with Green Flag so Mr. S. will get them to come out and if they can't sort it, they'll take it to a garage. Just hoping it's one in the town where we live, and not miles away.

Went to the church where we were married for the Easter Service. It was lovely and brought back so many happy memories.

Hope you've all had a good Easter so far and have a good day tomorrow.

Happy Easter everyone. Had a bit of bad news yesterday. My friend at craft group after further testing after her lumpectomy and lymph nodes removed they have found precancerous cells but the good news is she is having them shaved away tomorrow. She's 45. Which will probably mean she will need some chemo before her radiotherapy. But is has already faced at lot in her life . And is loved and cared for. I told her she only has to ask and we well all help her. That's the wonderful thing about my craft group we would fight dragons for eachother. In another life we would never have met. I am so glad I found them a week after I moved here. We are an odd group but we work. They are a big part of my life and so glad they are. I am closer to some than others but still care for each and everyone of them.

Had a conversation with my friend in the Midlands the other week about breast cancer . When my mom had it in 2000 I told my husband if I ever had it I would have a mastectomy and a reconstruction but wouldn't bother with a nipple ,after he died decided still to have a mastectomy but wouldn't bother with a reconstruction . My friend say she couldn't have a mastectomy but would have a lumpectomy . She's 69 this year and said why she said because she wouldn't be a woman . I told her boobs don't make you a woman. She said what we are born with makes us women. I said in that case you are saying I am not a woman because I haven't got ovaries, faloppian tubes ,uterus or cervix she said no I didn't mean you.
Our bits don't made us woman. Who we are makes us the sex we are. Yes some people are born feeling they are in the wrong body and I know of 2 who have family members who are transgender. You need to be who you are like you love who you do whether that's the opposite sex or same sex. Love is love. And something to cherish.

My friend as much as I love her and care for her doesn't understand that. Like I told her yesterday the problem is she is an only child never had children her marriage only lasted 6 years and her father paid her bills after her divorce in the 90's so she could keep her house . She worked. She has never had anyone dependant on her . Her mom looked after her dad until he died and only looked after her mom 3 weeks before she died. She inherited her parents house and sold her own . Never had to worry about money. And admits herself her parents spoilt her. And lived a sheltered life.

She said she wanted to move and thought about moving up here as she has no ties. But has decided not to because she doesn't want to spend the money and wants to have all her savings. I do love her and cherish our friendship but she drives me mad. Her health problems are getting worse she needs to live in a bungalow . She has no one to leave her money to. Her cars over 10 years old. Doesn't buy expensive clothes or have expensive holidays in fact since I have know her since 2018 she is going on her first holiday this month to Wales . She asks my advice on things I tell her. She had an extension but on her house 3 years ago and asked how I had my kitchen done. Told her they put all the flooring down first and units and appliances on top gives a better first and makes it easier to get applicances out if needed to be repaired. So instead of having that done let her builders do what they wanted and unit and appliances out in before the flooring and isn't happy with the finish and had them back several times to put things right.

If I ask for advice from tradesmen or people who had things done I take it. And all the things I have done to my bungalow I love. There is nothing I would change.

You may think I am a terrible friend as I do tell her off about not making decisions and sticking to them. She was brought up spoilt and never know hardship . I am the opposite my parents didn't have high paid jobs and having a brother and lot of cousins always shared. I have been a carer since I was 11 when I looked after my nan of a weekend if she was ill so my 2 non working aunt's could be at home of a weekend . I didn't mind as I loved my nan and to me it was normal. Having pains in my legs and falls all my life and being bullied at school I just accepted as it was just part of my life. But I was rich in being loved and given attention from my parents,brother and extended family. And being with my husband from 16 until I was 45. And having that love and no matter how my health got worse he was always there by my side. Our children grew up surrounded with love and attention yes they had a disabled mom but they still had a normal childhood .

Funny would never use the d word until my diagnosis last year but I have been disabled all my life so now I own it and am proud of my life and proud of my parents as they went through hell I have seen what HPX babies do. It was bad enough when my jerks and extreme pain started when I was 29. But my parents must have been terrified. My dad always blamed himself for what happened to me because he had dengue fever in the army . But always said it was just me being weird. If they had been alive when I had my diagnosis I would never have told them it was Hereditary.

That's why I don't understand why my son and daughter in law decided getting to 3 years ago I am no longer part of their and my grandson's life.

After the estrangement I realised they never trusted me alone with the 2 eldest never allowed to be left in the same room as them, never changed a nappy or had bath time with them. But my daughter and son in law trusted me to look after their eldest even when I had the jerking limbs and seizures . Changed nappies,feed him and bathed him on my own. I baby sat for them .

I started the limb jerks when she was 4 and her brother 6 months they never came to any harm because of me. So why didn't my son and daughter in law trust me to keep my grandson's safe and yet my daughter and son in law did.

Had my first panic attack this week. My husband brought me a beautiful pendant in 2002 for Christmas and have worn it everyday since he died. I always put it on my dressing table at night . Realised I hadn't put it on. But couldn't find it. The more I looked the worse I panicked. Couldn't see because I was crying so much and my heart was going out of control . I couldn't breath . Then found it in my bed. I am not a materialise person but because he knew he would die he wanted me to have something special it's white gold with a pink stone. It's small as I don't like large pendants. But the thought of losing it shocked me as I didn't realise how much it meant to me.

I know it's a long ramble but so much has been going through my mind this week and it helps I can voice how I feel here. Thank you all for that . 😘

HAPPY EASTER everyone xxx