Estranged from adult son

It is a worry when adults don't take any responsibility and continue to blame their parents for the bad decisions and wrong choices they've made and continue to make Nanatoone. It must be very difficult for your parents.

What a horrible situation broken dad, I really feel for you. Being a parent doesn't come with a manual, we all make mistakes, we are generally quite young when we embark on parenthood and of course we don't get it all right. I have been reflecting on my own lot in life today and am happy at the way things have turned out. It hasn't all been an easy ride, but I genuinely expect children over the age of 18 to understand that they have the main responsibility for how their lives turn out. I have a brother who always blames things on our parents, he's 55 years old and the vast majority of his failings were entirely his. I hope your son grows up and sees how his dad was trying his best. I hope it turns out well for you all in the end.

I don't know if it quite fits here but I read a really good saying the other day.

Never trust an adult who can't apologise to a child.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, what there is are parents who are accountable.

Children of divorce can sometimes present with attachment issues which make life difficult to navigate. Try to understand your son, even if you can't fix him as an adult

The vast majority of parents haven't been the best or the worst brokendad but have done their best and Madgran is right. It is good to accept some potential responsibility but there;s nothing to be gained from causing yourself pointless anguish.

I hope that you'll think about counselling as this may well help you to put things into perspective.

You say you wish you'd been more present as a dad, but that's not easy when the relationship with your child's mother breaks down and you aren't living in the same house. Also, it's never good for children when their parents stay together but are unhappy in their relationship making the atmosphere tense and unpleasant.

Many children who've come from 'broken' homes don't become substance abusers, so try not to see this as the only reason for your son's bad choices. Even if it's a contributory factor, I doubt it's the only explanation.

It is hard for me to stop feeling at least somewhat responsible for the way things have gone between my son and me. I haven’t been the best or the worst father. I just wish I could know if things would be different if I had been a more present dad.

It is good to accept some potential responsibility brokendad. But that does not mean blame and "what ifs" and "maybes" just cause pointless anguish really. Try to look forward, think about your welfare and also prepare how you might move forward if and when you have further contact with your son. I do think you might find it helpful to talk through with a counsellor to help you consider your feelings and concerns, and to gain different perspectives on all that has happened and ways forward.

Thank you to all of those who have replied and offered their thoughts.

It is hard for me to stop feeling at least somewhat responsible for the way things have gone between my son and me. I haven’t been the best or the worst father. I just wish I could know if things would be different if I had been a more present dad.

I know that I have to accept the possibility that we may never have a good relationship or even any relationship. Right now I just don’t see that being possible, but I haven’t given up hope yet.

I don't think anyone could blame this full downward spiral on your divorce alone.

I am intrigued when you say you are your former wife stayed away from badmouthing each other 'for the most part'.

Does your son think the divorce was in any way his fault? Even indirectly? He may feel, for example, that if you and your wife have said unkind things regarding each other, that you see those same bad traits in him, and that's why you left? Perhaps on some level he feels you left to have better children with a better partner?

Everything that comes after that, the assault charges, the flinching away from him (whether you meant this hypothetically or not) then underlines this narrative for him.

I think you need to leave him be for a while. It sounds like his hatred for you runs deep. You presenting yourself to him again and again is possibly just keeping him in a state of wanting to confront you with his anger (pain) over and over, and neither of you has the tools or resources to resolve things in this state. Leave him be.

He might find a way to heal his own pain. He might meet someone new who helps him. In a few years he may have become a different man. He may not want to know you then to be honest, but at that stage i would say your greatest chance for a future relationship would be to give him the credit for sorting himself out.

He might never come back to you. I think you need to look at therapy for yourself either way.

Brokendad, Welcome to the Forum, I am so sorry you are in this position with your son. Agree with the advise given, I would not contact him however, , he must sort himself out, however hard that is, otherwise it’s just keeping this cycle going. He needs to see you because he loves and respects you, otherwise there's no point.
Use this time to heal yourself, you have taken on your shoulders the responsibility for how he has turned out, you blame yourself for what you haven’t done without recognising your qualities. You deserve a life, to feel valued and enjoy yourself once more. Please whatever else you do or don’t do, heal yourself, start liking yourself again, stop the blame for things out of your control.

I can’t offer any support other to say that it’s absolutely not your fault. My marriage broke up when my son was 5, we stayed civil for the children's sake. My two children I think turned out ok, it was a difficult journey. So it’s definitely not you. I hope you can find peace in your decisions. Take care x

As hard as it is, you can't fix his mental health or drug use, it has to come from him.

The only thing you can do is get support for yourself and advice on how to cope from professionals.

There might be some things you need to change or take responsibility for that are highlighted by counselling and support bit you can do that without your son coming back to you.

It just might mean that when he is ready to heal himself, you are ready to heal with him

Good advice from Smileless and Whiff brokendad

I too would reccommend the Support for all those whhose lives have affected by Estrangement" thread to you.

Hello again brokendad and a Happy New Year. I understand you not wanting to reach out. We've been estranged from our youngest son for 10 years now and that's something I would never do either, for the same reasons.

It's good that you know he's doing OK and that may enable you to take that break that you need, and to start thinking about your life without him.

It isn't easy by any means and on this forum is a support for everyone whose life has been affected by estrangement, which has been running for 10 years.

It's somewhere to talk to those who totally understand what it's like to be estranged as we're all estranged too. We share the good times because they do come, as well as the bad. Whiff whose responded to you is a regular as am I, and everyone is caring and supportive.

You're not alone and just knowing that, does make things that little bit easier.

brokendad I am sorry you have joined the ranks of estranged parents. You have been through an awful ordeal with your son . Smiles has given good advice as always. You do whatever feels right for you. I haven't been through what you have but admire how you coped with it all.

As you get on well with your ex wife. Talk to her and see if she can help you decide whether to contact your son or not.

Sorry I can't be of help as I haven't been in your situation. But kept posting as you will find help,advice if you need it, understanding and friendship.

You have shown great courage reaching out to others. There will be those who have gone through what you are.

Thank you for that response. I am in contact with his mom and I know that he is doing ok. She lives fairly close to him and has him over periodically although she has been adamant that he cannot live with her again.

I’m reluctant to reach out because I have always done that after being on the receiving end of abuse from him, always thinking that it will be different this time. I feel like I have been perpetuating the problem. I’m also genuinely traumatized after dealing with so many horrible experiences with him. I just need a break and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to take much more of this. I’m hoping he will grow up, change, whatever. Something. I’m exhausted from worry and fear.

Welcome to the estrangement forum brokendad. The fact that there's a forum specifically for this sad issue, demonstrates how wide spread it's become.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this and have the added worry of knowing that your son is abusing substances. FWIW I think you did the right reporting him for assault. For some addicts that is the wake up call they need, but is isn't always the case and I'm sorry that it didn't work for your son.

It's very hard to let go of the effect their negative behaviour has had on us. Things that have been said cannot be unsaid, and things that have been done, cannot be undone.

If you think it would help you to do so you could contact him, perhaps saying you hope he had a good Christmas and wish him all the best for the New Year, signing off with a simple 'love dad'.

Is he in touch with his mother? Not that I'm suggesting if he is, that you should try and use her as an intermediary but if you're concerned about his welfare and she is in contact, she may be able to reassure you that he's as well as can be expected.

Of course you still love him, we all still love the child(ren) who've estranged us and it takes time for the rawness of the pain to gradually lessen, but it never goes away completely, just like the love we'll always have for them.