My adult son and I have not spoken for about 9 months and prior to that it was about a six month period of time that we did not speak.
From the time that he entered his teens, he went on a steady downward spiral into substance abuse. This was accompanied by often aggressive and hostile treatment of myself and his mother (who I am no longer with).
I suspect that the breakdown of the marriage was a contributing factor in his downward spiral. This happened when my son was quite young - just about to enter school.
Although the marriage ended, my ex and I managed to maintain a good relationship with regard to the best interest of both of our kids. We were civil toward each other and did not, for the most part do anything to sabotage the character of the other parent.
As he grew older, my son's behaviour became increasingly problematic. I attempted to lay down the law with respect to drug use in my home and he responded with violence and threats. I responded by having him charged with assault. From that point on I did not want him in my home if he was going to be violent and abusive. I was hoping for change but it did not come.
Things steadily got worse from there. His substance abuse became more and more severe and his anger and resentment toward me continued to deepen.
We have attempted to repair our relationship, but it seems that his ongoing resentment toward me is still strong and he can't let go of it. I too am having trouble letting go of some of the lingering effects of all of our negative interactions. I do not trust him or feel safe in proximity to him. That's a hard thing to admit about your own child.
The last time we interacted he lashed out at me for no reason that I can identify and told me he was cutting ties with me. Since then I have not made any attempt to contact him and he has not made any attempt to contact me.
I still love him. I wake up in the morning and he is immediately on my mind. I am perpetually sad and regretful. My mental state is not great most days. I feel stuck and helpless.
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