Choosing between my children

I suggest you ring NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood) on their free confidential phone line 0808 800 5000. They offer advice for relatives as well as survivors and will be able to put you in touch with appropriate counsellors. There are similar organisations in the States for your son to contact if he has not already done so. Your son is a victim and right now is feeling you have betrayed and deceived him by starting a relationship with his sister and keeping it secret from him. He may even feel you do not believe what he had the courage to tell you as a child. Ring that number and get help for all of you, please.

Instead of seeing it as choosing between your children, you could reframe it as choosing to do the right thing in the situation.

Also, what if she was abused and acting that abuse out? Time to talk!

12 year old girls are often full adult height and might have begun puberty one or two years previously. Perhaps even earlier as I knew a girl who started her period at nine.

I agree, it is that bad.

Dibbydod

Your daughter were just a child when this happened to a much younger brother, surly not a lot could have happened in view of their ages ,perhaps it’s all been blown out of proportion . Maybe you could bring the subject up so that maybe your daughter could apologise to her brother ? Unless what she did were exceptionally bad , I’m sure this could be sorted out without you having to choose between them as it does seem a bit extreme considering how young they both were at the time .

I’m sorry to say but 12 year olds can be as big and strong as adults, certainly in relation to 7 year old children. I once knew a ten year old charged with rape of a younger boy who had not understood what was happening and was understandably traumatised by the experience. So telling children ‘it wasn’t that bad’ because the abuser was another child is only adding further harm. The only person who can define the level of harm is the person who experiences it, just as it is with adults. We wouldn’t dream of saying to a woman who had been assaulted ‘well he only touched you, it wasn’t that bad’.

Experimentation happens between children, of course. But it is not experimentation when there is an imbalance in age, strength, understanding or consent to take part. Then it is abuse.

My heart goes out to you Nonnak, you are in an impossible situation. Please get professional help to try to see your way out of this situation. It is already causing you immense pain, it cannot be brushed under the carpet any longer.

Yes well, it would be enabling behaviour to not do anything, in case the daughter has a problem.

If this is for real, then doing nothing is not really an option if you love and care for your grandchildren and your son. Even at 12, kids are able to understand that actions have consequences.

mokryna

We don’t know the full facts. This was an incident that happened 20 years ago. Surely if the NSPCC, as someone suggested, got involved the daughter could end up having a criminal record for something she did at the age of 12. This could then bring on problems that might have her being separated from her own daughter.

As you say, we don’t know, or need to know the full facts. The idea that the OP shouldn’t seek appropriate help in order to protect her daughter, is precisely the kind of behaviour that contributes to ongoing emotional harm.
The Charities who specialise in supporting families through this kind of difficulty will work compassionately and with real understanding.

Your daughter were just a child when this happened to a much younger brother, surly not a lot could have happened in view of their ages ,perhaps it’s all been blown out of proportion . Maybe you could bring the subject up so that maybe your daughter could apologise to her brother ? Unless what she did were exceptionally bad , I’m sure this could be sorted out without you having to choose between them as it does seem a bit extreme considering how young they both were at the time .

If this is definitely true, and not an attempt to remove your daughter from the family, then I'd advise you to get to the root cause. If she was abused she needs support or if she has a kink its not good news for her kids. You need an honest conversation with her.

Your son needs your support. If he hasnt already, it would be good for him to get support from abuse helplines.

Nonnak - what an awful situation you find yourself in. Children like to experiment. Your daughter was very young. I really have no advice to offer you, but to say, you are in my thoughts.

I'm so sorry. I would suggest professional help.

Unconvinced about why your daughter is such a great mother. If she was a man who had abused a sibling would you be saying so? What if she does it again?

Future of the potential offender is the wrong approach

If anything, the child needs to be protected

I highly doubt the daughter would end up with a criminal record

At this point this is "he said, she said" with no proof

The issue here is how it is managed now, at a family level

The idea of not believing the victim and looking out for the futieen

I was sexually assaulted by my 14 year old brother when I was 7 or 8. It stopped when I threatened to tell mum. I never did however as she thought the world of him then and would have been heartbroken. My dad would probably have killed him.

Your son waited until she had left before telling you. He probably didn’t want to break the family up. I never told a soul until recently when I went on one of the help lines. I did worry when brother’s children were 7 or 8. We are now estranged since he was the sole executor of my mother’s will and I dared to disagree with him. This was several years ago and I live 150 miles away.

I often think of it as I expect your son does. Maybe he is worried for his sister’s children that she might abuse them. I read recently on a helpline that at the age of 12 or 14 children after experiment sexually with a younger sibling as part of becoming sexually aware at that age. Apparently they are unlikely to grow up to be a danger as in your DD’s case. I doubt that your son blames you but he is still living with what happened and it may well have affected his whole life. Perhaps you and he could get some counselling. Idk if it’s wise to confront your dd but again something counselling from one of the child abuse specialist might help.

Would opinions be different if it were a 12 year old boy who had sexually abused a 7 year old girl? I wonder.

We don’t know the full facts. This was an incident that happened 20 years ago. Surely if the NSPCC, as someone suggested, got involved the daughter could end up having a criminal record for something she did at the age of 12. This could then bring on problems that might have her being separated from her own daughter.

I'd not want to choose between my children, it makes no sense. Especially not knowing what went on at the time, 20 years ago.

I think I'd reassure my son of my love and tell him I was cutting back on ever seeing GD until this could be sorted in therapy. Otherwise, I think you're placing GD "above" him - unacceptable and unforgivable to me.

Nonnak, if there was no official investigation and support at the time - how do you know the allegation was true? Your keeping it a secret did them no favours. You now have the opportunity to begin resolving the matter. There is no need to choose 'sides' anyway, as they can visit separately.

I agree with Chestnut. Reassure your son of your love for him and that not wishing to stop all contact with your D and your GD is in no way condoning what she did.

I hope he doesn't sever contact with you but if he does, he may think again when he has children of his own and has a better understanding of the impossible request, that asking a parent to choose one child over another is.

Counsilling.

I agree with Hithere, I think to say she ‘amazes everyone who knows her by what an incredible mother she is’ is a very strange thing to say.
I think this isn’t something which can benefit from posts on an internet forum. I’d say professional help would benefit all concerned.

I am absolutely not asking for details of the abuse, but 'sexual abuse' can cover a enormous range of behaviours from a brief touching, to rape or penetration. Did it happen once or many times.

How you respond to this depends on so many details that you should not tell us.

Perhaps, your son is afraid that, as he lives in another country and your DD lives close at hand with your grand daughter that they will be come everything to you and he will be peripheral to the family, so he is protecting himself by being the one to cut himself out.

I see no reason why you should have to choose between the two. Tell your son how much you love him and you will never voluntarilly cut him out of the family, but what ever his sister did, again it will depend on the circumstances, your grand daughter is entirely innocence of any involvement and you wish to keep her in the family.

You need to sit down with your DD and discuss the why's and wherefores of the event, if you have not already done so. perhaps offer to pay for counselling for both children. Perhaps seek it yourself so that you can tell the councillor in private what actually happened and seek their help to reach the decision that is best foreveryone.

Can’t add much other than agreeing with the need for support for you.
You said,
but was not in touch with my daughter for some years then just sporadically
Was that lack of communication because you told her what your son had told you? What was her reaction.

I agree with the posters who have said this needs professional help. I’m concerned that your daughter abused another child and both needed assessment and help. Children who abuse other children need intervention at an early stage to make sure they themselves are safe and also do not pose a risk to other children. If your daughter did not get this the risks are still there, and I’m sorry but this could include risks to her own child. Please speak to your children about getting someone involved. Iam’s suggestion of the NSPCC is a good one.