Choosing between my children

Agree. Have you ever really confronted DD with it, or were just glad when she got back in touch and under the carpet with it? Has she admitted it, shown remorse?

Has she ever thought of apologising? does she know what made her do it?

What about your DH/the childrens father?

It sounds like they are now in competition for you and its so very, very sad. It's built up. He's thought all this time you are "his".

Would he participate in outside help Zooms?

What happened when your son disclosed this to you when your daughter left home? 16 is awfully young to leave home - was there some reason for this (had she perhaps suffered from abuse herself?)
It sounds as if there is a lot to unravel and I agree some outside help would be beneficial

Was this a one off incident, was it something forced on your son or some kind of sexual experimentation. I don’t seek to minimise, it’s clearly traumatised your son. You refer to it as a sexual assault, which is his description.

Has it remained a secret, is your daughter aware your son told you when he was 11 and she 16.
Was the distance in your relationship with your daughter the result of the disclosure?
So many things to understand here

I believe professional help is needed. The NSPCC would be one place with expertise and time to help you begin to face this. It isn’t going to go away. In your shoes, I’d seek professional help from people with specialist expertise. I simply can’t imagine being asked to choose one adult child over the other. Your daughter was Five years older but a child herself
Get help

Op

Those people who are impressed at your daughter's motherhood skills, are they aware of the sexual assault?

The comment about how she amazes how such a good mother she is sounds so off to me.
It is as if she needs to be recognized for it - why?

I agree with PPs about if she has faced her actions and reflected on them plus concerns for her kids

The posts come across to me as the damage is to be buried and ignored and move on- this is too serious for rugsweeping

Oh, definitely a dilemma. Obviously you can't erase the past, but I can totally understand how your son feels. I think the suggestion of some kind of counselling or therapy for all parties might help. Has your daughter ever faced up to what she did or been held accountable for it in any way?

Is there any other sexual abuse in your daughters history? Sometimes that causes children to "play out" abuse in order to normalise it.

Sometimes it's driven by puberty and hormones that are poorly understood.

This is why it's important to teach children about what is and isn't acceptable at every stage of development.

The problem for your son is that the damage done to him is just as bad as it would be if it was an adult. Whatever your daughters reason, whether or not she fully understood what she was doing, your son is the victim here.

As a mother this is incredibly hard for you. You however need to take this ultimatum seriously. This happened under your roof and you missed something that had a deeply harmful impact.

Siding with your daughter here would retraumatise your son and undo whatever healing he has managed.

Realistically everyone needs therapy.

Hithere

Did your daughter receive any kind of treatment for this sexual assault?
Did your son?
Did you?

As for your daughter being an amazing mother.... not sure what to think.

I detect favoritism between them in your post

I understand your son's ultimatum.
It is hard to have a relationship with a person who supports the offender

Picking now based on who has kids now or who lives where are bad parameters.

I would expect your son distance from you, including when kids come

My son is an amazing young man that I am incredibly proud of! Absolutely no favouritism! I love them both very much. My daughter amazes everyone who knows her with what an incredible mother she is. Shame I wasn't half the mother she is then maybe I would have handled the situation better. If I could go back I would have done things so differently

What a dilemma. That's a terrible thing to have happened to a child. But your daughter was a child as well.

I think I would continue to try and have a relationship with both of them. They both need support and you need to be available for your granddaughter.

Crossed post

I am really sorry fir you and also your son. Your daughter too, as she was also a child, but still she was old enough to know right from wrong.
Children do experiment but if this was ongoing it will have affected him and he probably feels betrayed by her and also by your ongoing relationship with her. I don’t know how this was managed at the time, have you discussed it with her?
As someone who worked in this area for many years I really would encourage you to get some sort of professional help with how to manage this sad and difficult situation and hopefully it will help you too.

This is obviously very hard for you. Your son disclosed this to you when his sister left home 4 years later and you probably should have acted at that point and reported it so both could get some help. Your son probably feels betrayed by you especially as you have kept the relationship with his sister a secret. It sounds like you all need some family therapy to allow things to move forward. Also you have a small granddaughter to think of. Is she at risk? Perhaps you could seek some professional help with this.

Did your daughter receive any kind of treatment for this sexual assault?
Did your son?
Did you?

As for your daughter being an amazing mother.... not sure what to think.

I detect favoritism between them in your post

I understand your son's ultimatum.
It is hard to have a relationship with a person who supports the offender

Picking now based on who has kids now or who lives where are bad parameters.

I would expect your son distance from you, including when kids come

This must be so heartbreaking and I really feel for you. However, I think the choice is clear. Your son is in another country with no children as yet. Your daughter and granddaughter are near you and you have a close relationship. So you must choose your daughter over your son. Explain that you love him and this is not what you want, but you can't abandon the other two. Maybe he will agree to keep in touch by phone or video calls, just to keep in contact with you but without involving your daughter. See if he will agree to that. I hope he will and I can't see why not.