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Estrangement from sister

(18 Posts)
Thistle2016 Wed 04-Jan-23 21:18:29

I am just wondering how other people deal with family estrangement after the death of their mother. For example my sister excluded me from the funeral arrangements for our mother and all of her anger has and is still directed at me. This has destroyed our relationship although I continue to have a close relationship with our brother, how do other people move forward from this unfair treatment.

VioletSky Wed 04-Jan-23 21:25:01

Counselling, to understand how and why the estrangement happened and how to deal with the grief

Wyllow3 Wed 04-Jan-23 21:28:12

Thistle, it cant have come out of the blue, there must be a history with sis? Glad brother is understanding.

Thistle2016 Wed 04-Jan-23 21:47:12

You are very perspective, it has never been an easy relationship, perhaps at this point it is easier to acknowledge a new start without my sister.

GagaJo Wed 04-Jan-23 21:51:20

My mother's death was the impetus for me to try to break through the estrangements with my family. I'm in touch with my brother again and have seen him a couple of times. He has instigated contact with our father, and is happy with it. I'm not so sure about that. I'm trying to deal with the idea before even considering the reality. I was so sure our father would die and that I would have no more contact.

Drina01 Wed 04-Jan-23 22:00:36

That’s a difficult one I think. Slightly different situation but my sister who’s 10 years older than me (and so my only link to the past) seems to have some kind of very early dementia. We used to do everything together but now she can be quite nasty ( and my niece her daughter can’t or won’t help). We used to talk on the phone everyday as she’s not local. It’s turned into something of a bereavement for me as feel totally cut off. It’s difficult but time passes - I often think about her but she hasn’t been in contact. Maybe one day I’ll pluck up the courage but feel stable at the moment and don’t want to awaken anything dire. Bottom line is acceptance for now with a view to checking out in the future. If you think about it too much it’s not good as you end up the victim. In my opinion concentrate on your brother and don’t dwell.

Sara1954 Wed 04-Jan-23 22:13:07

I have been trying to repair a relationship with my brother over the last few years.
I’m estranged from my mother, and he has turned against me, I don’t know if it’s because he thinks he’s been left to deal with her, or if he just thinks I’m a cow for walking away.
I’ve been very tentatively reaching out, but he knocked me back again at Christmas, so I’m letting it go.
Sometimes I think you need to know when to give up.

notgran Wed 04-Jan-23 23:11:21

Drina01 how very sad. My own sister is 6 years older than me, fairly fit and healthy, we have always got on and are very close. I hope that this never happens to us but with dementia I could see how that could happen.

AussieGran59 Thu 05-Jan-23 02:17:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allsorts Thu 05-Jan-23 06:27:38

If a sibling has looked after and cared for their mother and seen her upset at never seeing the other AC whether through estrangement or that AC just can't be bothered, why would you want a relationship with them, you have totally different values. I have seen both these scenarios played out in friends families and they never make up. For a lot of people it's their way or no way so you will never compromise.
I feel genuinely sorry for those that genuinely want a relationship with their family and its rebuffed, I can't understand why you can't just talk it out and accept differences if the loves there, it's too late when they have gone..
Thistle can you think of any possible reason your sister was so angry ? Even if these reasons were not valid, it's how she perceives it that needs addressing. Good luck.
Drina, dementia is truly heartbreaking, that lovely person is still there but that illness takes over. It's what all of us dread, losing ourselves.

Sara1954 Thu 05-Jan-23 06:50:32

I understand why my brother, probably my sister in law as well, are annoyed with me. But I couldn’t keep up a really bad relationship with my mother for their sake, and I thought if one person in the world would understand my reasons, it would be my brother.
When my husband and children visit her, he’s fine with them, but has had only very limited contact with me, and every time I feel I’m making a bit of progress, he backs off.
So I’m leaving things to him now, which probably means we’re done, but if that’s the way it’s going to be, I can accept it.

Granx4 Thu 05-Jan-23 06:53:08

I am estranged from mine for many years, due to her worst ever betrayal.

maddyone Thu 05-Jan-23 07:39:46

My sister has mental health issues and because of this I have had an on/off relationship with her for years. Currently I’m not in contact with her because she accused me (wrongfully) of ‘keeping back’ some the things mum told me were for her. When mum died I put all differences aside and hosted her, we arranged the funeral and did everything together, only for her to accuse me of not including her in everything and keeping things back after the funeral. After the third accusation I blocked her and refuse now to have anything to do with her, although I fully realise that I will need to be in touch and see her later in the year in order for us to scatter mum’s ashes. I will do absolutely the right thing but I know I’ll be accused of not involving her after the event. It’s sad, but I’ve accepted the way she is, and realise that I’ll never have the relationship with her that I would have liked.

Smileless2012 Thu 05-Jan-23 14:44:22

You make a good point Allsorts. Estrangement so often involves more than just the person/people who have been estranged and the person/people who've decided to estrange.

That was such a terrible time for you maddy as you did so much to try and bridge the gap between you and your sister flowers.

nexus63 Thu 05-Jan-23 14:56:03

i have not seen my sister for 20 years after she assaulted her mother, she will not be at her mothers funeral, when the time comes i will contact her after everything is over and done with, as far as i know she is still named in the will and i am the one who will deal with that. i don't know how other people deal with it but for me life will carry on the same, she was always a nasty spiteful person and none of the family including me do not miss her.

halfpint1 Thu 05-Jan-23 15:06:32

I am suspecting early dementia with my sister who is becoming increasingly difficult to have our normal easygoing relationship. She has type1 Diabetes and seriously over-did the sheilding during the Covid years. Her house needs a good
de-clutter and her conversation is repetative and depressing.
I'm really too hesitant to suggest anything to her as she so easily flies off the handle. Just don't know.

Woollywoman Thu 05-Jan-23 15:06:34

I too would recommend counselling…. It will help you find some sort of peace of mind.

maddyone Fri 06-Jan-23 08:50:08

Thank you Smileless. Life has not been easy with my sister for over thirty years, since her initial breakdown. She has unfortunately caused untold hurt and pain to everyone in the family. I thought when mum was dying that I would do the right thing and when it was all over I thought that maybe I could maintain some sort of loose ongoing relationship with her, but I found the unjust accusations too painful and felt I just need to cut myself loose from her. I’ll try to make arrangements to scatter Mum’s ashes with her when we get back from New Zealand but I have no faith that after that I can have a relationship, however loose, with her. It’s sad because I do love her, but I have to protect myself.