Apparently my DiL's family are awesome (for now!)

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I am looking into it, thanks.

OnwardandUpward, I have never been in sush a dreadful situation, so no experience to draw on . However I too urge you to see a counsellor, but please ensure you find on who is appropriately qualified and registered. I wish you well.

Thanks Twice as nice

Hithere

I wonder who you talk to - not the right crowd for sure

No one who isn't my nearest and dearest, anymore.

Sorry talking not taking

If you would like to see a counsellor please have a look at Counselling Directory . Com . It gives you access to vetted counsellors all over the country. Type in where you are and how far you are prepared to travel and it will come up with the profiles of everyone who is registered with them within that radius.

Their profiles will tell you their qualifications, whether they are registered and accredited , their specialisms , and their fees and availability. You can send a message or ask a question before you commit.

If you and your husband would like to go together look for someone who is used to working with couples ( they will have very different qualifications to someone who only sees individuals, some counsellors are trained for both)

As a counsellor myself I hope you would find taking to someone helpful.

It’s not necessarily that counsellors are paid to be nice, they are paid and trained to be objective listeners, and perhaps finding one that suits you will be your chance to share what you need to share, without feeling judged, revictimised or disbelieved.

I wonder who you talk to - not the right crowd for sure

All very well saying no need to worry about shame if you have never been through this kind of thing. If shame and judgement were not a thing, revictimisation would not be a thing.

My experiences of sharing abuse are:
1) people think you deserved it
2) People stereotype you and get annoyed with you when you grow beyond the box they placed you in.
3) People revictimise you.
4) You ask someone for help and they tell you to stay with the abuser because you "should love them more".
5) they believe what the abuser is spreading and don't listen to you.

So there are a few of my reasons for not sharing this. Obviously a counsellor is paid to be nice (and confidential) so it is my only option.

OnwardandUpward ^The thing is, it's HUGE secret. No one knows, not even my family. He's officially abroad. I'm actually too ashamed to tell anyone.

No need to worry about DIL family or shame, perhaps councelling?

OnwardandUpward, I would consider talking to a counsellor.

Sounds like a good idea.

The 'shame' you feel for allowing your son to mistreat you and your husband is part of the domestic violence, the feeling that you are responsible somehow for his behaviour; it is rather like 'battered wives' saying that it was their behaviour that caused their partner to hit them, that they shouldn't have triggered it. Please see a professional to deal with this abuse and your reaction to it, this is not your fault.

Yes do, Onward&Upward.

If my past experience of abusive relationships has taught me anything, its that we are penalised for speaking about it- either pigeon holed by society and stereotyped - or judged by someone who has never walked in your shoes. Parents are especially judged.

I would consider talking to a counsellor.

OnwardandUpward

Not for this...

No I haven't had a son who died, only estranged. (Where there's life there's hope, I suppose- at least)

I will look into it, thanks.

The thing is, it's HUGE secret. No one knows, not even my family. He's officially abroad. I'm actually too ashamed to tell anyone.

And this is exactly the problem. You’re still letting this abusive relationship consume you , keeping it a secret can’t tell anyone , etc. yuu can unload here all you want but what you need is a counselor - the right one to help gig truly process and deal with these feelings - including not keeping it a secret. Otherwise it will continue to eat and eat you and give you no form of peace

PS I also want to say, I am ashamed to say that despite all our good efforts, nature has won over nurture. This child has had two previous GF's who told me that he had hit them.

Mr O and I did everything we could to bring him up well, but sadly he is more like his abusive father than I am ok with admitting.

I'm more ashamed of the abuse we have taken already and as a DV survivor in the past I am ashamed of how far I let him push me down. I'm not ashamed of him having a MH problem. I am ashamed of his drug use and of his abusiveness.

So sorry you've been there. I hope that things are resolved now? Pandapatch

Hello OnWard andUpward. Don't feel ashamed, mental ill health is an illness like any other, you wouldn't be ashamed if he had a physical illness.
Has his mental health issue been diagnose? people struggling with their mental health often self medicate with drugs or alcohol.
There is help out there, either on the phone or online.
It is a horrible situation, I have been there, thinking of you

Thankyou all. I appreciate your kind words.

Because of his MH we always made allowances for him and never wanted to cut him off, but the abuse was escalating and triggering me because of previous DV. We have taken way more abuse than we would have if there was not little GC who we were bonded with.

I will think about counselling.

I feel for you OW&U, to have your own child behave like this must be devastating. I have a friend who has had to detach from her son as his behaviour towards her was dreadful. She has never been able to find out why but it has meant she doesn’t really see her grandchildren. She tried counselling (it helped a lot with her decision making) and mediation. Mediation just showed her that something was wrong with his thinking (probably encouraged by his partner and his family). She’s in occasional contact with him now as a result of the mediation but unless and until he comes back to her she isn’t dwelling on it. She says she’s accepted the situation and is happier for it. I hope you can find a way through. Hugs.

Have you considered grief counselling?

I think it could really help while things are so raw

Dare I say it, and knowing how much you love your grandchildren, nevertheless, there should be more to your life than just your grandchildren.

Many grandparents for all kinds of of reasons have little or no contact with their grandchildren, but they have other activities and interests in their lives, which while never replacing the missing grandchildren, they have other activities enable them to get pleasures from life and enable them to occupy their minds with other things.

As for your shame, what is their to be ashamed off? Good heavens, even the Royal family, have a son who has abused them and attacked them - and done it very publicly indeed.

I think all of us know someone or more than one who is estranged from a child, some have suffered that ourselves. You at least have the knowledge that your son is mentally ill Many parents do not even have that comfort and have to face up to being estranged by sons and daughters who are doing what they are doing from a clear and untroubled mind. Of course there will be some who blame you for it, those kind of peple are always there, but most people know others in your position.

An estrangement is like a bereavement. When my sister died, I was in physical pain from the shock of her loss, and I wanted to stay like that for ever, her loss was so intense and important to me. I was angry, even at the thought that my grief would ease, but after a while I realised that if that had happened my life too would be truncated and that I can love her appreciate the good times, although they are gone and still enjoy life.

You are currently in that intense grieving period and you cannot go on like that for ever, you will make yourself ill. When it begins to ease, try to build yourself a new life, where your son and grandchildren have part of your mind - and always will, but life goes on. What cannot be cured must be endured and you must find a way of enduring it.

It's something that clearly upsets you it can happen to anyone. I don't think anyone here is fed up listening to you it's something you need to share.

OandU - don’t feel bad about coming on here and talking about it. It’s easier than talking to your family /friends. Well, we are your virtual friends. As someone suggested, write it down. I have a diary. I write down all my feelings in there. We all have our fair share of family ‘issues’. Take care x