I Don't Know What To Do

Ali23

I agree that you can’t change other people , but you can change how you react to them.
Not everyone wants or feels that they can discard others though.
If you can afford it, counselling can help you to understand what’s going on and to choose best how to respond . A long tough journey but it could be worth it.

Yes; good advice

I agree that you can’t change other people , but you can change how you react to them.
Not everyone wants or feels that they can discard others though.
If you can afford it, counselling can help you to understand what’s going on and to choose best how to respond . A long tough journey but it could be worth it.

Oh sorry didn't relise thread was started last year .

Her dad has just died , she will be grieving.

Smileless2012

I can only agree with DiamondLily Moonwatcher I would stop being manipulated by your daughter and get on with your life.

You cannot control or change the way your daughter behaves toward you, only the way you react .

Yep. You cannot change other people. I’ve just learned to change how I react to them.

Anyone causing me stress now is discarded. I don’t need the aggro.🙂

I can only agree with DiamondLily Moonwatcher I would stop being manipulated by your daughter and get on with your life.

You cannot control or change the way your daughter behaves toward you, only the way you react .

Moonwatcher1904

I've brought this back because I didn't want to start a new thread and explain myself again. All has been great until today. I didn't get a card, text or anything on my 70th and last year my 71st again nothing. Last week was her birthday which she reminded me about earlier in the week. I sent a card and she asked about going for a meal. We spoke on the phone and she said she hadn't received the card and was bothered because she lives in flat where there is a communal hall. She thought someone had taken it because they thought money might have been in it but I don't do that. Any it turns out I hadn't put enough postage on it. I can't understand because it was only a normal size card and I'd put a first class stamp on it. To add to this scenario I had major dental surgery 2 weeks ago and had 4 teeth out, stitches and new dentures top and bottom. I had to go back this week as they are so painful to wear and my gums haven't healed properly yet.
Today she rang me and all was well. We arranged for a meal when I was in a better state to eat out and I would look for somewhere to go. Anyway a short time later I started getting a torrent of abuse on my messages such as it's only ???? since we went out for a birthday meal oh sorry my mistake never. More messages of abuse. I did some printing for her and then got the message please post my paperwork you couldn't even be ar**ed to put the correct postage on my birthday card.
I have picked her up to bring her here and ended up sitting waiting and then having to drop people off here and there and not said anything.
I don't know where we go from here. I'm fed up of people thinking we sit here day after day and expect to drop everything for them. Me and hubby have had this discussion endlessly but we always end up in the same place. Family that expect us to fit in with them or friends that make arrangements then drop us at the last minute.
Sorry for the rant...I am so upset this evening.

I would stop being manipulated by your daughter and get on with your life.💐

Moon watcher the example text messages you shared are not abuse, those are your daughters hurt feelings

You need to address that with her

Thankyou Allsorts.
Ladysuisei I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Everything was fine with our chat on the phone yesterday but the situation turned on it's head within an hour of that with nasty texts. I can't even imagine where it came from.
I've not heard from her today but she was going away for the day with a friend to see a show so I probably won't hear anymore at the moment.
I have her paperwork ready to post with more than enough postage on it to make sure it gets there.

@moonwalker
Well , I suffer from mental illnesses and sadly my son and his wife have treated me very unkindly following the sudden death of my partner in January 2023 . It seems like they are unwilling to persevere with me when , due to my situation and my illness combined , makes things very difficult. My difficulty is with communication- we had an incident of miscommunication back in August 2023 which is turning out to be a perfect excuse for them to pull back and possibly even estrange me . In my vulnerable state , I can tell you this is so hurtful it’s killing me . I just want and very much need my son to just come to see me , put his arms around me in a loving hug and say “ mum how are you “ . Thus will be enough for me right now and actually even though your daughter is giving you a hard time , I can guarantee she wants to be loved . Sometimes a mental illness can mask what you are really asking for , it makes communication very difficult and frankly it makes you feel like popping off to Dignitas might be a good option . xxx

I know how you feel Moonwalker and hope you're keeping strong in such difficult circumstances. Ultimately you cannot alter a situation however much you want it, you are doing all you can just don't make yourself ill, the doctor will tell you that. I don't mean this unkindly, just the reverse, step back as it will break you, doesn't mean you don't care as much, just protecting yourself as you're important, to you and others that love you.

Moonwatcher1904

We seem to be a bit more on track now. She hasn't told me where she is staying but I know she is nearby to me somewhere. She wants me to go with her to her appointment about her condition so I'm pleased she wants my help. She came the other day and we had a good chat. Thanks for everyones input on this.

So glad to hear, @Moonwatcher1904

Sending hope, love, hugs and positive thoughts your way 🤗

I've brought this back because I didn't want to start a new thread and explain myself again. All has been great until today. I didn't get a card, text or anything on my 70th and last year my 71st again nothing. Last week was her birthday which she reminded me about earlier in the week. I sent a card and she asked about going for a meal. We spoke on the phone and she said she hadn't received the card and was bothered because she lives in flat where there is a communal hall. She thought someone had taken it because they thought money might have been in it but I don't do that. Any it turns out I hadn't put enough postage on it. I can't understand because it was only a normal size card and I'd put a first class stamp on it. To add to this scenario I had major dental surgery 2 weeks ago and had 4 teeth out, stitches and new dentures top and bottom. I had to go back this week as they are so painful to wear and my gums haven't healed properly yet.
Today she rang me and all was well. We arranged for a meal when I was in a better state to eat out and I would look for somewhere to go. Anyway a short time later I started getting a torrent of abuse on my messages such as it's only ???? since we went out for a birthday meal oh sorry my mistake never. More messages of abuse. I did some printing for her and then got the message please post my paperwork you couldn't even be ar**ed to put the correct postage on my birthday card.
I have picked her up to bring her here and ended up sitting waiting and then having to drop people off here and there and not said anything.
I don't know where we go from here. I'm fed up of people thinking we sit here day after day and expect to drop everything for them. Me and hubby have had this discussion endlessly but we always end up in the same place. Family that expect us to fit in with them or friends that make arrangements then drop us at the last minute.
Sorry for the rant...I am so upset this evening.

Summerlove my hubby previously thought that attending with her might cause more upset than not but that was when she was being horrible to me. Now things have settled and we've talked she asked me if I would go so I said I would be happy to.

Smileless I will keep you posted on the outcome. Thankyou.

Moonwatcher1904

We seem to be a bit more on track now. She hasn't told me where she is staying but I know she is nearby to me somewhere. She wants me to go with her to her appointment about her condition so I'm pleased she wants my help. She came the other day and we had a good chat. Thanks for everyones input on this.

I’m so glad you are feeling better about your relationship.

May I ask why you are now willing to attend the appointment, but previously you were not?

That does sound positive Moonwatcher. Let us know how it goes.

We seem to be a bit more on track now. She hasn't told me where she is staying but I know she is nearby to me somewhere. She wants me to go with her to her appointment about her condition so I'm pleased she wants my help. She came the other day and we had a good chat. Thanks for everyones input on this.

I will just leave her to sort herself out but she knows we are here for her. I'm relieved to have seen her on good terms and that's all I can be thankful for.

However hard this is, you will just have to accept that your daughter is an adult and must make her own decisions.

Quite often those who talk about suicide are unlikely to commit it - they are looking for attention or revenge by threatening it.

Whatever the case,it sounds as if nothing you say or do right now will be any good. So buy a new phone with a number you do not give either daughter, and stop reading DD1's abusive texts.

If she won't provide her present address, ask your solicitor if last known address XX will do, or leave your estate to someone else. Under English law, I believe you don't have to leave your children part of your estate.

Far too complex a scenario for me to comment on, plus, I'm not qualified to. What did jump out at me is that you have a Daughter who has ADHD, and who has said that she is planning her own suicide. As an aside, I don't believe for a minute that ADHD would qualify her being accepted by Dignitas. Nevertheless, mental health issues plus suicidal talk is an extremely dangerous combination, and in your shoes, I would certainly be looking to report this to an "appropriate", safeguarding agency. I don't know who this might be. Do Samaritans give advice on situations like this? Could your own G.P. help? Whatever it takes, I'd be looking for some urgent, informed advice here.

Frankly I'd be amazed if a MH team would take her on.. it's really difficult if a person has PD to treat. Very long and complex. If I were in your position and you don't wish to withdraw from her, I would re-iterate that you can help yourself by reading up about the disorder so you at least know what to expect.. I agree with GSM I don't think she could be serious about Dignitas it's another symptom to make you feel worried.. I don't think it will change so just try to protect yourself.. I do understand that it is very difficult and painful for you. and wish you well

I'm glad that you've seen her Moonwatcher, spent some time together and you feel less anxious having done so but as others have said, she clearly needs professional help.

You appear to be caught up in a cycle of emotional abuse and as Wyllow has said, without a diagnosis of ADHD her problem could well be a personality disorder like narcissism.

It's good that she's in contact with a mental health team and it taking steps to find the help she needs.

I agree Wyllow3 from what has been written it sounds as if the daughter has a severe mental health problem maybe ADHD as well, but only a Doctor can get the process of diagnosis going and that won’t happen overnight

I have no idea what you mean by It's a crazy situation as she can't get an assessment while she is working so she has lost her job and had to fill a form in for Universal Credit Moon that doesn’t make sense of course she doesn’t have to lose a job to get an assessment ???

I think this is much, much bigger problem than a parent/ child fallout or family life difficulties, this lady is severely mentally ill and needs help asap

If she is asking for an ADHD diagnosis she ll wait a long time if her GP or mental health nurse knows she has suicidal tendencies ( Dignatas) then I m sure they will take her more seriously

Her pattern of abuse then "making up warmly" sounds more like a personality disorder than ADHD unless it's been properly diagnosed.

Possibly Borderline Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.?
After all that been written and read above, I'd seek help yourself to understand what her problems might be but above all how best to deal with them.

Right now,It seems I can't take this anymore.....I need a man in my life badly,who is ready to love me wholeheartedly