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I Don't Know What To Do

(87 Posts)
Moonwatcher1904 Wed 08-Feb-23 13:08:22

It's taken me over a week to pluck up courage to write this. I'm so stressed about this. I'll try to be as brief so I don't drag it out.
I have 2 dds. I'll call them D1 (age 44 tomorrow) and D2 (age 41). D2 lives with boyfriend of many years about an hours drive away, both with good jobs and quite settled and no children. However, D1 is so different. She has had many jobs and places to live. Went back to live with her dad in the town where she was born and where I live also many times but their relationship was very stormy. Their dad suffered with cancer and for quite a few years the sisters never spoke to each other up to the point they both blocked her on their phones. Late last year their dad went into hospital and the cat he cared for (who belonged originally to D1) had to be put in a cattery and she kicked off big time. Told him she didn't want anything from his will and sent all her many texts to him and her sister via me. I did not want to be piggy in the middle and told her so.
Their dad died in December who was my ex. DD1 said last year she had ADHD. She went to friends on Christmas Day and came to us on New Years Day and stayed the night. No problems and talked, watched tv. All seemed well.
A couple of weeks ago we went to our solicitor to make our wills and needed DD1 full address so later that day tried to ring her but she didn't reply. Sent her a text to ask and since then have had nothing but a torrent of awful messages.
Didn't think we believed her about the ADHD and was going to get as many medical reports as she could and go to Switzerland to Dignitas. She thinks no treatment will do any good after the miserable life she has had. I have tried to talk to her but whatever I say brings forth more horrible texts. Now she is bringing up stuff from her childhood but there was never any evidence there was a problem them. She mentions stuff I can't remember happening and has told me she'll never bother me again. I've done nothing wrong but now her dad has gone she seems to be taking it all out on me. I feel so hurt by all this and powerless to do anything.
I've told her she needs a proper assessment to determine if she has it but she is adamant she has and determined to go to Switzerland. I've read about this place and it's horrendous.
I would like to know what your thoughts are. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

Norah Wed 08-Feb-23 13:30:18

One of our SIL has ADHD, quite difficult condition. With tablets, that he hates, usually he does well. We're aware how terrible treatment makes him feel, we never ask nor expect anything from him as we never know his daily mental state. However, he is a loving husband, father, and grandfather, SIL - tablets work.

dogsmother Wed 08-Feb-23 13:37:13

Hard as it is I believe you need to disengage.
Be there for her if she wants you but at her age she has to tread her own path. She is really, really upsetting you and that’s so unfair.

nandad Wed 08-Feb-23 13:48:58

Maybe I’m misreading this but I don’t think Dignitas will consider ADHD as a good enough reason for end of life. Your daughter sounds angry and is taking it on you, emotional blackmail comes to mind. Does she ever talk to her sister? Maybe she can shed some light on why D1 has started coming out with events from her childhood that she says have affected her.

Moonwatcher1904 Wed 08-Feb-23 13:58:23

She has said it's too late for treatment but I can't seem to convince her to try. She says her condition is the reason she has lost so many jobs. I can never say the right thing to her - damned if I do and damned if I don't.
nandad - the siblings do not speak to each other. D2 blocked her as she was texting her into the middle of the night. My DH thinks all this is going to make me ill.
My friend says I should speak to D2 and ask her what their dad said to them about me before he died whether it upsetting or not. D1 said if their dad was telling the truth neither of my daughters would never be speaking to me now.

welbeck Wed 08-Feb-23 13:59:23

sounds like she might benefit from specialist counselling or therapy.
or even joint sessions with you, maybe ?
if you are willing and can afford it.
but don't tell her that her condition needs to be properly diagnosed, as that does imply that you doubt her credibility.
don't say that you don't remember events from her childhood.
she sounds what used to be called highly strung.
just try to listen, encourage her to talk.
it must be v difficult.

welbeck Wed 08-Feb-23 14:04:48

she may well be right about why she has not been able to keep a job long.
many people with that condition report the same.
if her father said something adverse, that will add to her turmoil.
your husband has a point.
could you go see your GP for support for yourself.

crazyH Wed 08-Feb-23 14:17:05

What a sad and difficult situation you find yourself in. flowers

Moonwatcher1904 Wed 08-Feb-23 14:24:16

Thankyou welbeck. I have taken on board what you have said. I would be more than willing to try and talk to her even a joint counselling session if I thought it would help. She has stopped texting me and started texting my DH instead although she has been quiet today. She lives an hour away from us so I can't just go round as see her. I will look into what is available in her area. Thanks

Hithere Wed 08-Feb-23 16:05:58


What I could get from your post is that your dd1 has suicidal thoughts and it needs immediate medical attention

Please call the proper authorities to report those threats so your daughter can start healing

As for the rest of the post, it is too high level, hard to understand and summarized to comment

silverlining48 Wed 08-Feb-23 16:06:10

Your dd will have to agree to go to counselling and it doesn't sound as if she would agree at the moment. It might help you though. If not now then maybe later.
I think shes probably depressed and needs to see her GP but again thats her decision.
Difficult situation, but she a mature woman and you need to look after yourself. Hope things calm down soon. Try not to worry.

BlueBelle Wed 08-Feb-23 16:19:32

You can’t force her to go for help or counselling but you could find a group or counselling for support for you and ideas of the best way to act with a loved one who may have ADHD or any other mental health problem
There are also online questionnaires that you could answer
(instead of her) for your own information of whether you think she may have ADHD
For instance it might say Do you find it hard to concentrate then you can think back and tick yes or no if you remember and when you finish it and get the results it will give you an idea if she is barking up the right tree obviously it won’t help any treatment but it could give you information and clues to her condition
This is simply for your private information, not hers
I hope you can find some peace

HeavenLeigh Wed 08-Feb-23 16:38:12

This is really sad, I feel for you Moonwatcher! Sounds as though you are bearing the brunt of all her anger and that’s not fair! As I don’t know anything about ADHD I can’t comment about it, she sounds a very angry person and possibly counselling would be a good idea and also getting medical help

VioletSky Wed 08-Feb-23 16:48:34

I think you need to take this seriously

If your daughter has ADHD it will impact how well she can manage her feelings and she knows her symptoms and will need to seek support for then that is incredibly hard to get as an adultbwhen it has been missed as a child.

Put aside whether you remember the incidents she describesor not, that's not what matters. What matters is that is what she remembers and how she feels about those memories is real. In order to make any progress you will need to accept that and work with her to address these memories and her feelings. It's usually the case that the truth is somewhere in the middle and you can only find it with love and patience.

I would start by fully accepting she feels she has ADHD and validating it so she feels secure enough to start the process to seek help. Once again this is difficult as an adult and the waiting list extremely long so encouraging a trip to the GP is a good first step.

GrannyLaine Wed 08-Feb-23 17:26:26

Very perceptive post VioletSky

Smileless2012 Wed 08-Feb-23 17:49:56

What a heartbreaking situation Moonwatcher. It may be helpful to view this as two separate issues which are of course very tightly connected.

Your D clearly needs help and without a clear diagnosis this is going to be difficult to achieve, and in the absence of this, I think BlueBelle's suggestion of completing an online questionnaire on her behalf would be a good starting point.

You need to be as certain as you can be that she does have ADHD, as this in turn may help you find mechanisms to cope with her erratic and hurtful behaviour.

You need to get some support for yourself to enable you to be able to be there for her but not at the expense of your own well being. Determining for yourself that she could potentially have ADHD would be a good starting point for you in terms of finding the right kind of support.

Norah Wed 08-Feb-23 18:34:06

I'm sorry, perhaps I misunderstood. I thought I read that she has ADHD and has reported so to you. No?

If she indeed has ADHD there are tablets. Many dislike the effect of flattening their personality, but there is success with tablets.

Norah Wed 08-Feb-23 18:36:05

Be aware, some of her behaviour has nothing to do with ADHD.

VioletSky Wed 08-Feb-23 19:01:29

I think you need counselling support moon to help you help your daughter and support you through the hard discussions

HousePlantQueen Wed 08-Feb-23 19:11:09


I'm sorry, perhaps I misunderstood. I thought I read that she has ADHD and has reported so to you. No?

If she indeed has ADHD there are tablets. Many dislike the effect of flattening their personality, but there is success with tablets.

Yes, but to get 'tablets' there has to be a diagnosis by a professional, and to get said diagnosis there has to be agreement by D2 to seek help. This can take a very long time. I know, we ended up paying privately for counselling and psychiatric help for one of our children (adult). There is also a serious under diagnosis of ADHD in females.

It is a long process, sadly

Allsorts Wed 08-Feb-23 19:32:56

Very sorry about your situation, I do know you cannot get anyone over 18 I think, to seek or follow treatment or get assessed. If you try and have a conversation, they turn aggressive and usually storm off. It’s exhausting, with tablets it can be controlled, but they have to want it and want to be assessed. I would tell her doctor how concerned you are about her suicidal thought and Dignitas. It’s awful she feels that way. I do hope you and her get the help you need.

Moonwatcher1904 Wed 08-Feb-23 22:19:29

Thankyou all for your positive comments. If you know where I can find an online questionnaire I will certainly try that.
It will be her birthday tomorrow but as things are I haven't sent a card. I will send her a message on Whatsapp to tell her whatever she thinks about me at the moment I still love her and are thinking about her especially today.

welbeck Wed 08-Feb-23 22:51:00

don't say whatever she thinks about you; that sounds combative.
just say thinking of her esp on her b'day, with love.
how about an online card, jacquie lawson or similar. but nothing too jocular.
good luck.

Wyllow3 Wed 08-Feb-23 22:54:15

Hi moonwatcher oh how I feel for you, Violet sky and others have given good advice above.

I agree with Allsorts on all she says too.

the only time I would always "shop" someone to their GP is when they are talking about harm to self and others...... and she is. ...although she may be manipulative talking about Dignities you have to take the threat seriously. (I also seriously doubt Dignitas would "take her on" with what she is presenting but implied suicidality is serious.

also ringing her GP will hopefully take some of the burden off you. meanwhile it is NOT your fault all this and please get some help for you xx

Moonwatcher1904 Wed 08-Feb-23 23:37:16

wellbeck - thankyou for those words. Yes I think your words are better than what I was going to say.

Wyllow & Allsorts I will see if I can get in touch with her GP although I'm not sure if anyone there will speak to me. I can only try.