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Confused, Angry, and Want to Help My Wife

(13 Posts)
StuckSDad Thu 09-Feb-23 16:55:14

I married my wife 13 years ago and took in 4 stepdaughters and honestly, I am to the point I wish I never would have met those girls.

Two years into my marriage their dad left them due to an argument with the oldest. He was gone for three years and that is where the nonsense began. He leaves, waits for them to rebel and then swoops in and somehow convinces them we are awful parents.

It has occurred with every step-daughter with exception of one and I am so thankful I do not live near them.

The latest doozy was my 20-year-old SD who 2 years ago wanted me to adopt her. I had a frank discussion with her and asked her if that is really what she wanted because her last name will change when she gets married anyways and if you do this her dad's family probably won't have much to do with her. I told her that a title is not important to me, but if that is what she needs then I will do it. She thought about it and agreed I was right.

This SD was the model person two years ago. She graduated with high honors, had a year of college under her belt, and was driven to finish college early. Then it happened. She returned to her dad's family for his separate graduation party (he did not show up for her graduation) and when she returned I could tell a shift was occurring.

She began to talk more with his side of the family. Her once driven personality turned victim and soon she began to change her major and fall into depression. She kept returning to her dad's house while living full-time in mine and every time she returned she seemed to dislike her mother and me more. Her attitude changed and I did not know who this girl was.

Soon I heard rumblings from people that knew me when she visited her dads. They would call me and tell me that she and her younger sister are planning on accusing us of abuse. These are two girls that her mother and I have always been there for and now abuse allegations.

So, having been through this nonsense with my oldest, I lawyered up and began preparing for the worst. She returned home and her mother and I said if she was accusing us of these things then she needed to move out. She insisted that she had not. Well a month later once she got all her ducks in a row she came to us and told us she was moving out. We talked to her and asked her some questions but said okay we will help you.

I helped her move and the day she left wished her the best. She went to live with her dad's sister and he would also be involved. Within two months she has now cut me and her mother from her life claiming we never loved her and hinting at abuse.

She also began cutting out any of our friends that have helped her, my family, and her mother's family, and it basically went all in with this small handful of her dad's family.

My wife and I have five children together and they also were cut out and they range from 11 to 5 right now.

I knew this was coming and I am so tired of this from my SDs. I can absolutely be done but my wife is devastated and does not understand. Friends and other family members have all come around and told her to not blame herself and their behavior is obviously due to the influence of her dad's family. Her anguish is heartbreaking.

As for me, good riddance! I gave 13 years of my life to them and I get a middle finger and was accused of never loving them. They are all messed up in the head and I do not want them near my children. I just want to focus on my own kids and never think about these sorry excuse SDs again. I am aware that sounds harsh but after being dragged through the mud 25 times and them never showing empathy and just accusing us of whatever I am sickened.

That would be great, but I love my wife, and watching her go through this hurts me. She is a wonderful mom who is adored by her other five and was at one point adored by the other 4 until they began hanging out with their dad. All this behavior comes from the same direction and it is just gross.

I would love to hear some advice on how to help my wife. As I said, while I am hurt I saw this coming and since I am a SD I can detach quicker although it is heartbreaking.

Thank You

Smileless2012 Thu 09-Feb-23 18:10:27

I'm so sorry that you and particularly your wife, are having to deal with this.

The best way you can help your wife is to be there for her. Listen to her when she needs to talk. Hold her when she needs the reassurance of a loving hug and above all, when you're telling her how much you love her, remind her that one reason you do is because she's a wonderful mum.

You both need to accept that there is nothing you can do to change this, that it is out of your control and you need to let it go.

It may help your wife if you look into counselling, to find ways of coming to terms with what's happened.

Even with other children to love and be loved by, when estrangement happens it feels like the end of the world. You wonder how you're supposed to carry on in the knowledge that your own child(ren) want nothing to do with you.

For many like myself and Mr. S., we didn't just lose a much loved son but GC too and for us, our only GC.

It takes time for the wounds to begin to heal but they do. If you take a look at the support thread on this forum you'll see how much healing has taken place.

There is life after estrangement StuckSDad for you and your wifeflowers.

lemsip Thu 09-Feb-23 18:19:10

Oh dear!

silverlining48 Thu 09-Feb-23 19:06:06

If you want to help your wife keep your thoughts to yourself about how much you loath
her daughters. She is naturally very distressed,and needs support.

welbeck Thu 09-Feb-23 21:01:01

you thinking what i'm thinking, lemsip ?

pascal30 Thu 09-Feb-23 22:03:08

Me too.

Jaxjacky Thu 09-Feb-23 22:04:17

Me too, too.

Wyllow3 Thu 09-Feb-23 22:12:02

Yes, me too.

but if it's for real, Smileless gives good advice.

lemsip Thu 09-Feb-23 23:17:47


you thinking what i'm thinking, lemsip ?


BlueBelle Fri 10-Feb-23 05:58:17


you thinking what i'm thinking, lemsip ?

Me three

Lexisgranny Fri 10-Feb-23 06:19:45

And me!

Allsorts Fri 10-Feb-23 07:18:16

The girls have had to accept into their lives another 5 half siblings, it’s hard for them too. It sounds as if they were all entering their teens when their lives were turned upside down.I must admit I feel sympathy for those daughters.
You should keep your thoughts about them to yourself,, your wife has enough to cope with by the sound of it.

VioletSky Fri 10-Feb-23 18:49:26

You have 3 step daughters who have walked away, one you know has mental health issues which usually arise for a reason...

Your reaction is "good riddance!"

This is not healthy and I think you need to look more inwards towards your parenting rather than laying all the blame elsewhere...

There is far more to people than how well they do in school etc and far more levels of parenting than that