Nail in the Coffin

The OP is an adult who is responsible for his own choices. I’m failing to see what is sympathetic about him and his wife being cold-hearted, mean people to their own son and his family. I cannot imagine treating my own offspring this way. And all because he made his own choices in life. It’s horrific. The son didn’t ask to be born. He didn’t ask to have hateful parents. He has children whom he will eventually have to explain to why his mother is so hateful that he needed to cut her out. And he has a father who failed him year after year. This is sad. What kind of love could they have possibly had for their own son if they would rather he be unhappy but doing what they want? What kind of love would see a parent discard their own grandchildren because they hated their grandchildren’s loving mother? That’s not love. That is hatred wrapped in mental illness. This poor young man is being a great Shepard to his family by keeping his toxic mother away. If the OP’s love for his son is so expendable, why should anyone feel sorry for him?

Smileless2012

I don't remember that Norah. Can you remember the thread that was on as I've done a search for sad Dad but nothing came up with that user name.

I wasn't quoting 'sad Dad'..

I was referencing sad dads, in general, I've read of here, on GN.

One particularly difficult poster, who seems to be long gone - dentist husband, daughter who seemingly wanted nothing to do with the ridiculously needy mum (hated driving D to uni on the motorways, stupid stuff really). Said poster had no idea how needy and silly she was as she pushed the sad Dad from decent relationships with D&GC. Others abound.

snap Delila.

The OP of the thread you started last year fishing4life says you'd been estranged from your son for 15 years, so I don't understand why in this OP you've said you've told your d.i.l. not to contact you again, despite her having sent you photo's over the years, but your ES can when he hasn't done so for such a long time.

Your OP for this thread gives the impression that this is all pretty recent when in fact you've sadly been estranged for a considerable length of time.

I’ve just seen your previous post on this subject, OP. It seems to have been your own decision to go “no contact”, some time ago.

Despite everything, your daughter-in-law actually sounds very generous in trying personally to keep in contact with you and your wife.

In these sad circumstances, the advice to seek counselling seems a possible way forward.

I don't remember that Norah. Can you remember the thread that was on as I've done a search for sad Dad but nothing came up with that user name.

I wouldn’t say the door is closed between you, OP, and your son & his family. I imagine your son knows his mother well enough to understand the dynamics between you and your wife.
You are suffering “secretly”. I think you should take your own steps towards reconciliation with your son, “secretly” if necessary, in the hope that things will mend between you all, or something like it, in future.
I know secrecy within a family is not advisable, but sometimes needs must.

HappyZebra

I think you maybe need to look inside to see what is important to you. From your last post it appears that your wife is disappointed in your sons decisions and blames your dil. She needs to accept him for who he is and get over it. I think maybe you have? It's a shame your wife can't be proud of your son. To go to college, get a career of his own, raise another persons child like his own? Theres a lot to be proud of there. You've raised a good son.

I don't think the battle here is with your wife and DIL i think its a conflict inside between your love for your wife and your love for your son and his new family. If your wife suddenly accepted your son I imagine you'd be right there with open arms.

All I can say is, are you truly happy with your life as it is? I would never encourage someone to consider leaving a partner but your partner is affecting your quality of life. Why should you be a martyr to your feelings to try and appease your wife? You long to love your grandchildren but can't because your wife can't accept your son for who he is. that's really sad, but her decision.

I would look inside and see what is important to you. I don't know how old you are but you can choose a different path too. My parents got divorced at 63 and are both happy with new partners. Again I don't want to encourage separation but I do want you to know you have the right to be happy. You only live once.

Indeed. I think it often happens that Dad throws away their own AC and GC for mum. I know I've read here where sad Dad has to do mum's bidding because mum feels bad done by 'liar' son.

It's very sad but not uncommon in estrangement situations eazybee. It also happens when an AC estranges their parents because of their spouse's dislike/hatred of one or both of their parents.

Only the OP will know if his loyalty to his wife is misplaced.

So many estranged children face the issue that they cannot have a healthy relationship with one parent and the other parent stands by and does nothing, that it has its own term, "enabler".

Imagine how your son feels that even though you love him and have no issue with your DIL, you haven't stood up to protect them and their children but have instead stood by your wife even though deep down you know she is the problem here.

I think you are being abused here too and facing up to that is extremely difficult, many of us have been there.

It's so much more common than you think, women can be controlling and abusive and people understand that far more now than they did in the past

There is help out there and we can support you while you get it.

If your wife were a good person she would support you to have a relationship with your son and grandchildren even if it hurt her.

Please go see your GP, get yourself pointed at nearby help.

Taking this at face value I believe it to be true, knowing two couples where one spouse insisted they both estranged from their child because of the totally unreasonable dislike/hatred of the child's partner.

This man is paying a dreadful price for his misplaced devotion to his wife. Unless he is prepared to stand up to his wife and face the consequences (think threats and attempts of suicide) there is nothing else he can do.

This is so sad OP, what a terribly difficult situation you’re in.
I honestly think you need to stand up to your wife, say you can’t live the life the life she is forcing on you.
She needs help surely as she is now not only controlling, without success, her son, but also yourself, it’s emotional blackmail, it’s cruel and extremely unkind.
I would say to her you cannot live your life without your son and grandchildren in it, I would write to your son, even send him a copy of your post on here, it shows your anguish at the choice you are having to make.
How old are you, do you have a friend you could talk to, could you separate, your wife sounds cold and unloving, it’s no life for you, take time to think of yourself and of the son that you love, we only live once, don’t make it a life of regret.
I wish you all the best.

Lovely post @ 7.54 HappyZebra I hope the OP sees it.

Your DIL sounds absolutely lovely.. It's so sad that you have missed the opportunity of spending time with her and getting to appreciate just how compassionate and forgiving she has been despite your wife's appalling behaviour.. but you've made your choice and so it seems has your son ...

I m really sorry, as your support for your wife shines through but she is the one causing all this trouble and that’s going to be really hard for you to read
You saw the photos recognised that they looked happy and that was enough for you, you were prepared to text back your thanks with a simple message, but your wife overrode that and had to put the boot in and you did as she bade. She is the one causing all this trouble and unfortunately I think your son and daughter in law have made the right decision

Your wife obviously needs professional help and I m sure you do too to help you know how to stand up to her without feeling cruel
Good luck sometimes tough love is the best in the long run

Just wanted to add for clarity. If you are happy with your current life and choices. Thats okay too. You will get through it together though I imagine it will be difficult. I can't imagine how I'd feel in your position but hope that you choose happiness and acceptance however you go.

I think you maybe need to look inside to see what is important to you. From your last post it appears that your wife is disappointed in your sons decisions and blames your dil. She needs to accept him for who he is and get over it. I think maybe you have? It's a shame your wife can't be proud of your son. To go to college, get a career of his own, raise another persons child like his own? Theres a lot to be proud of there. You've raised a good son.

I don't think the battle here is with your wife and DIL i think its a conflict inside between your love for your wife and your love for your son and his new family. If your wife suddenly accepted your son I imagine you'd be right there with open arms.

All I can say is, are you truly happy with your life as it is? I would never encourage someone to consider leaving a partner but your partner is affecting your quality of life. Why should you be a martyr to your feelings to try and appease your wife? You long to love your grandchildren but can't because your wife can't accept your son for who he is. that's really sad, but her decision.

I would look inside and see what is important to you. I don't know how old you are but you can choose a different path too. My parents got divorced at 63 and are both happy with new partners. Again I don't want to encourage separation but I do want you to know you have the right to be happy. You only live once.

This was really sad to read.

Your wife appears to hold over you the same control she tried, and failed to, exert over your son.

You appear to know that your wife’s behaviour is problematic, however, you are willing to go to extreme lengths (abandoning your son) to avoid upsetting her.

Your marriage sounds like it is controlling and abusive.

I actually don’t think it’s too late for you and your relationship with your son and his family. I think they would hear you out, if you asked them to. I think they would welcome a relationship with you.

I can’t imagine the pain all of this has caused your son.

For me, there is no choice. I love my husband, but I love my sons more. I would never allow his actions to cause a rift between me and my children. And your wife should never have put you in a position to choose in the first place.

This is so sad. Terribly upsetting, actually. So much damage and destruction. And for what? Seems like your wife is just burning everything to the ground. If she can’t be happy, then no one can.

Picking up the drift here and can’t get my head around it. As a mother, no sons but my daughters are everything to me. They’ve not always done things the way I would have but they are grown up and have their own lives. I am honoured to be their mum and love my SILs and GC. I realise how lucky I am when I read these sad estrangement posts. It’s your son too, not just your wife’s, I don’t know how you could abandon him for such a selfish woman. Poor chap.

I know you don't want advice but this is so incredibly sad and you are obviously hurting so much

Please get yourself some counselling, we aren't supposed to sacrifice our own children and relationships for a spouse. That's not what marriage means

It concerns me so much that your wife has so much control over you that she forced you to send messages you didn't mean and wouldn't have said yourself

Please get some support because I really don't think this is what you want

You know you should have stood up to your wife, fishing4life1. And you're paying a very heavy price for not doing it.

You really need to get on top of the situation with her. Tell her that her viewpoint is warped and unacceptable.

And then write a grovelling letter to your son and DiL and apologise deeply. And mean it.

I hope for your sake, they are able to see you and your wife as two separate people and at least have some contact with you. But you'll have to stand up to your wife. Don't allow her to do this.

Same here Harris27

I can’t say I’m overly fond of my dil she has caused some bother within our family. My dh and I rise above it visited when asked and continually praised our dil when the occasion arose and never stopped loving them all. We are at a good place now and all get on but it did take compromise from both sides. We have two beautiful grandchildren who I would dearly miss if I didn’t see them now and again.

If this post is from the one I believe was originally posted, your son rightfully cut you and your wife off for trying to control his life and disrespecting his wife. Your wife had a possessive relationship with your son and was furious that his now wife encouraged him to get an education. He wanted him to leave her. You used these very creepy words while referencing your son, or something close: “my wife would forgive him if he just came back to her.”

Please get yourself and your wife professional help. Please leave your son and his family alone to heal and grow away from toxicity. They deserve better than you and your wife.

Very happy for your son and DIL. Your son is a wonderful man, despite his parents.

Your daughter in law is a saint. God bless them.