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Nail in the Coffin

(62 Posts)
fishing4life1 Wed 12-Apr-23 17:38:05

Posted on here awhile ago and been following along occasionally. We finally heard from our son, saying we "nailed the coffin" shut. I've been replaying these years through in my mind since and don't have another source to talk about them. I'm not looking for advice, just want to feel like I have a voice somewhere. We don't have family so my wife and I are really all each other have now.

It finally ended Last week when DiL emailed me after "not hearing from us" for awhile and saying they had recent family pictures taken and thought we might want to see them. (Personally they were good pictures and ES and GC look great). However, this caused my wife to become depressed (there were some pictures of just my son and DiL - him kissing her cheek, holding her and laughing, etc...Knowing our dislike for DiL those should have been withheld). My wife couldn't sleep that night and so the next day we talked about it. I would have responded with something along the lines of nice pictures, etc... short and quick, but my wife insisted, so instead we emailed back telling her not to contact us but ES could.

ES then emailed that DiL has said "to forget ones ancestors is to be a tree without roots" and "for the sake of GC, she tried to maintain some connection". But ES said he has forbidden her to contact us again and the "coffin was nailed shut" for him. (We replied with our own list of issues DiL caused but he blocked us).

I am however secretly having a hard time as I wonder what it would be like to talk to the GC I saw in the pictures. Best to just forget it but I needed to process the end and finally live without thinking about ES possibly realizing that this is just how his mother is and coming back home. Anyone else had to choose between spouse and children/Inlaws?

Hermother Wed 12-Apr-23 17:47:59

Have I got this right fishing4life, you don't like your daughter in law, for whatever reason, and so you've sacrificed your relationship with your son and grandchild rather than just accept that she's the woman your son loves and chose to have children with? And even when she's graciously included you in the sharing of family photos, you instructed her not to contact you again? I must have got that wrong surely? Nobody would be that foolish.

Callistemon21 Wed 12-Apr-23 17:50:38

I had some difficulty unravelling it all, but I think that sums it up, Hermother

Nobody would be that foolish
Obviously some people are!!

crazyH Wed 12-Apr-23 17:57:00

Oh my goodness - most of us here are happy to see our children being affectionate with their partners. I worry if they don’t. Please be happy for them and don’t jeopardise your relationship with your GC, just because of a sweet ‘kiss on the cheek’. Or have I got it wrong ?

welbeck Wed 12-Apr-23 17:59:35

is this a reversal ??
OP are you in fact the DIL ?
this sounds unbelievable, or a wind-up.

Fleurpepper Wed 12-Apr-23 18:00:07

Unbelievable! Why would they not include a picture of them having a sweet kiss (not a full on 'snog') - because you don't like DD?

Hermother Wed 12-Apr-23 18:04:21

I'm nipping over to Mumsnet to see if there's a thread from a distraught daughter in law, who's tried to heal the rift between her husband and his parents, by offering an olive branch of sharing loving photographs of their little family, only to have it thrown back in her face by her in laws. There must surely be one......

Smileless2012 Wed 12-Apr-23 18:07:50

It's not that simple Hermother if I remember correctly, the situation has badly affected the OP's wife who has some problems, and he's been struggling with this for some time.

Hello fishing4life I'm sorry that this situation appears to have now come to a head and the relationship with your son and GC has come to an end.

My heart goes out to you as I know how painful it is to be estranged from your son and GC. I've never had to make this choice but I understand how difficult and painful this is for you.

I remember when you were posting before that it was suggested that you continue the relationship with your son and GC even though your wife would be excluded. Apologies if I've got that wrong, but if I'm right, you've been between a rock and a hard place for some time.

It's impossible to know what one would do unless they found themselves in this unenviable position, all I can say is that in your position if my husband had the issues (I don't want to offend you) that your wife has, I would do as you have done.

You'll never forget, but with time will be able to process the ending of this relationship. Not seeing photographs of your son and your GC will help with time.

You've made your choice, I'm sorry you've had to do so and hope that with time you and your wife will find some peace.

NanaDana Wed 12-Apr-23 18:10:30

Click bait? Sorry, but I'm having difficulty in taking it seriously, as the premise is so bizarre. Doesn't like DIL to the extent that she has shut down communication with her, and then seriously expects Son and Grandchild to get in touch and to establish a relationship? Dream on. This has to be either a wind-up, or alternatively the most extreme example of self-deluding behaviour I've seen in a long time.

Smileless2012 Wed 12-Apr-23 18:11:14

Crossed posts with those who posted before me. There is much more to this which is why those particular photo's would have caused upset.

PerkyPiggy Wed 12-Apr-23 18:11:20

I have read the OPs message twice and still don't understand what he is trying to say.

BlueVelvet Wed 12-Apr-23 18:11:35

Not surprised you’re estranged if that’s how you treat your Son and the woman he loves/mother of his children

lyleLyle Wed 12-Apr-23 18:20:09

Very happy for your son and DIL. Your son is a wonderful man, despite his parents.

Your daughter in law is a saint. God bless them.

lyleLyle Wed 12-Apr-23 18:24:40

If this post is from the one I believe was originally posted, your son rightfully cut you and your wife off for trying to control his life and disrespecting his wife. Your wife had a possessive relationship with your son and was furious that his now wife encouraged him to get an education. He wanted him to leave her. You used these very creepy words while referencing your son, or something close: “my wife would forgive him if he just came back to her.”

Please get yourself and your wife professional help. Please leave your son and his family alone to heal and grow away from toxicity. They deserve better than you and your wife.

Harris27 Wed 12-Apr-23 18:28:06

I can’t say I’m overly fond of my dil she has caused some bother within our family. My dh and I rise above it visited when asked and continually praised our dil when the occasion arose and never stopped loving them all. We are at a good place now and all get on but it did take compromise from both sides. We have two beautiful grandchildren who I would dearly miss if I didn’t see them now and again.

crazyH Wed 12-Apr-23 18:35:21

Same here Harris27

GagaJo Wed 12-Apr-23 23:16:37

You know you should have stood up to your wife, fishing4life1. And you're paying a very heavy price for not doing it.

You really need to get on top of the situation with her. Tell her that her viewpoint is warped and unacceptable.

And then write a grovelling letter to your son and DiL and apologise deeply. And mean it.

I hope for your sake, they are able to see you and your wife as two separate people and at least have some contact with you. But you'll have to stand up to your wife. Don't allow her to do this.

VioletSky Wed 12-Apr-23 23:34:47

I know you don't want advice but this is so incredibly sad and you are obviously hurting so much

Please get yourself some counselling, we aren't supposed to sacrifice our own children and relationships for a spouse. That's not what marriage means

It concerns me so much that your wife has so much control over you that she forced you to send messages you didn't mean and wouldn't have said yourself

Please get some support because I really don't think this is what you want

Nanatoone Wed 12-Apr-23 23:50:43

Picking up the drift here and can’t get my head around it. As a mother, no sons but my daughters are everything to me. They’ve not always done things the way I would have but they are grown up and have their own lives. I am honoured to be their mum and love my SILs and GC. I realise how lucky I am when I read these sad estrangement posts. It’s your son too, not just your wife’s, I don’t know how you could abandon him for such a selfish woman. Poor chap.

GG65 Thu 13-Apr-23 00:53:56

This was really sad to read.

Your wife appears to hold over you the same control she tried, and failed to, exert over your son.

You appear to know that your wife’s behaviour is problematic, however, you are willing to go to extreme lengths (abandoning your son) to avoid upsetting her.

Your marriage sounds like it is controlling and abusive.

I actually don’t think it’s too late for you and your relationship with your son and his family. I think they would hear you out, if you asked them to. I think they would welcome a relationship with you.

I can’t imagine the pain all of this has caused your son.

For me, there is no choice. I love my husband, but I love my sons more. I would never allow his actions to cause a rift between me and my children. And your wife should never have put you in a position to choose in the first place.

This is so sad. Terribly upsetting, actually. So much damage and destruction. And for what? Seems like your wife is just burning everything to the ground. If she can’t be happy, then no one can.

HappyZebra Thu 13-Apr-23 07:47:59

I think you maybe need to look inside to see what is important to you. From your last post it appears that your wife is disappointed in your sons decisions and blames your dil. She needs to accept him for who he is and get over it. I think maybe you have? It's a shame your wife can't be proud of your son. To go to college, get a career of his own, raise another persons child like his own? Theres a lot to be proud of there. You've raised a good son.

I don't think the battle here is with your wife and DIL i think its a conflict inside between your love for your wife and your love for your son and his new family. If your wife suddenly accepted your son I imagine you'd be right there with open arms.

All I can say is, are you truly happy with your life as it is? I would never encourage someone to consider leaving a partner but your partner is affecting your quality of life. Why should you be a martyr to your feelings to try and appease your wife? You long to love your grandchildren but can't because your wife can't accept your son for who he is. that's really sad, but her decision.

I would look inside and see what is important to you. I don't know how old you are but you can choose a different path too. My parents got divorced at 63 and are both happy with new partners. Again I don't want to encourage separation but I do want you to know you have the right to be happy. You only live once.

HappyZebra Thu 13-Apr-23 07:54:23

Just wanted to add for clarity. If you are happy with your current life and choices. Thats okay too. You will get through it together though I imagine it will be difficult. I can't imagine how I'd feel in your position but hope that you choose happiness and acceptance however you go.

BlueBelle Thu 13-Apr-23 09:11:22

I m really sorry, as your support for your wife shines through but she is the one causing all this trouble and that’s going to be really hard for you to read
You saw the photos recognised that they looked happy and that was enough for you, you were prepared to text back your thanks with a simple message, but your wife overrode that and had to put the boot in and you did as she bade. She is the one causing all this trouble and unfortunately I think your son and daughter in law have made the right decision

Your wife obviously needs professional help and I m sure you do too to help you know how to stand up to her without feeling cruel
Good luck sometimes tough love is the best in the long run

pascal30 Thu 13-Apr-23 09:19:13

Your DIL sounds absolutely lovely.. It's so sad that you have missed the opportunity of spending time with her and getting to appreciate just how compassionate and forgiving she has been despite your wife's appalling behaviour.. but you've made your choice and so it seems has your son ...

Smileless2012 Thu 13-Apr-23 09:24:03

Lovely post @ 7.54 HappyZebra I hope the OP sees it.