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Estrangement

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Worn out with it all.

(34 Posts)
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DiamondLily Sat 06-May-23 15:38:24

Thank you all for the comments.

My eldest GS (26) has been over and we've laughed and cried over some memories.

He's been a huge help with what he's said, and made me realise what I should be focusing on.

Thanks again x

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VioletSky Sat 06-May-23 14:32:30

I think this is the time to focus on your grief and the people who are here for you.

Let these people go

It doesn't matter whether they attend the funeral or not or when they attend. Let go of them and your feelings towards them. Concentrate on your happy memories with your husband

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Redhead56 Sat 06-May-23 14:29:27

I am so sorry for your loss it's a very difficult time for you. Hold on to the support you are getting now from loved ones and friends. Take care of yourself and you will get through this you will find the strength somehow.

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Wyllow3 Sat 06-May-23 14:12:30

My sympathies DL and its so understandable how you feel - be as kind to yourself as you can, you have behaved superbly throughout. flowers

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Madgran77 Sat 06-May-23 14:10:27

DL So sorry to hear about your DH I think your wishes are entirely reasonable under the circumstances. Try to focus on saying goodbye to your DH and all those around you who are supporting you. Try not to focus on your SS who clearly has so many of his own issues to deal with. Those issues are not yours so don't waste energy on them. Those that matter will take no notice of his suggestion of being banned and excluded. I hope all goes as you would want it to as you say goodbye to your DH and move into a new reality for yourself. ⚘

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Hithere Sat 06-May-23 14:08:25

Sorry DL it is a lot

The issue with estrangement is that when a medical and/or end of life situation arises, it may or not lift the lack of contact

About youngest SS, why don't you drop the rope?
You cannot control what he says and don't you have bigger fish to fry now (take care of yourself)

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Doodledog Sat 06-May-23 13:42:19

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this, DL. Take care of yourself, and post when you need to vent.

flowers

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Smileless2012 Sat 06-May-23 13:34:26

I'm so very sorry DL to learn that you've lost your much loved DHflowers, and that as if this isn't bad enough, the drama your youngest SS has caused so much of over the years, continues unabated.

Of course you don't want him any where near you, why on earth would you? His behaviour over the past 18 years, especially the last 4 has been outrageous and beyond cruel.

Your wish if he does attend, to leave you alone, to keep away from you and leave after the service is perfectly reasonable as well as understandable. That will be my response to our ES if Mr. S. predeceases me. Why on earth they want to be at the funeral of a parent they've treated to cruelly and estranged from, I have no idea.

This is a time when you need to lean on those who love and want to support you the most and certainly doesn't mean that you'll become "a needy old lady".

Easier said than done of course but try to put your youngest SS's anger and bitterness to one side; he's the unreasonable one and anyone who knows him will know that.

You know you have friends here on GN, especially the estrangement forum and we're here for you.

Take care dear friend xx

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DiamondLily Sat 06-May-23 11:59:39

Not sure if I should be posting this here, or where, but I'm feeling completely brain-scrambled at the moment.

I've posted, more than a few times, about the problems DH and I had with his adult kids.

The youngest son has been bouncing us in and out of estrangement for 18 years, and spent the last 4 abusing us by text, with demands for money etc.

The eldest son and family weren't like this, but barely bothered with DH.

Anyway, at Easter, my DH was admitted to hospital. I let my eldest SS know, but no one (other than me and my family) visited.

After a pretty horrendous week, the consultant spoke to me and my daughter (she was with me every day), and said that further treatment was fruitless and ultimately unkind. I had to let him go.

He went onto an end of life ward, and the staff were fantastic.

I notified eldest SS what had happened and that visits were open hours, for anyone to say their goodbyes. DH was unconscious, but I don't know what they hear or not.

I and DD went daily, and other members of my family went as well.

Eldest SS and family went, at some point, and that was fine.

Youngest SS chose not to go.

I and DD held him as he died.

I've had to arrange the funeral, and I've arranged that eldest SS and family, are fully included (car etc).

I have been keeping eldest SS fully informed by email.

Where youngest SS was concerned, I hadn't said anything. I then heard (through another source), that I was apparently banning him, and that he was "grief stricken" 🙄

I wrote to him last week saying I wasn't banning anyone, but I didn't want him or his wife near me. He could go and leave, but leave me alone.

I sent him details of the funeral times etc. and where to send flowers etc

I'm still hearing that by not getting him and car and including him in the "gathering" afterwards, I am effectively banning him.🙄

I am not.

His family have been no real support to me at all - I got a text yesterday (first), from eldest SSs wife, asking if I was going to watch the coronation (no), and thanking me for being so strong and organised. They acknowledged that I had given him the happiest years of his life.

Jeez, I'm on my knees here - stricken with painful grief and now having to deal with all this, along with the never ending formalities that death brings. I can't sleep, eat, and I'm out of strength to fight or argue with his family.

My family and friends have been truly wonderful - I'm grateful to them all. My son and family are flying home for the funeral in a couple of weeks.

Many friends are also attending.

I'm conscious of not becoming "a needy old lady" leaning on people all the time , but they have been great.

I don't know why I'm posting really, but I just feel bemused by other people. I'm so angry as well.

I am now dreading this funeral. It was never going to be easy, but all this friction is making it worse.

I'm now feeling so lacking in confidence (unlike me), I'm not even sure who's being unreasonable.🙁

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