Worn out with it all.

I'm so very sorry DL to learn that you've lost your much loved DH, and that as if this isn't bad enough, the drama your youngest SS has caused so much of over the years, continues unabated.

Of course you don't want him any where near you, why on earth would you? His behaviour over the past 18 years, especially the last 4 has been outrageous and beyond cruel.

Your wish if he does attend, to leave you alone, to keep away from you and leave after the service is perfectly reasonable as well as understandable. That will be my response to our ES if Mr. S. predeceases me. Why on earth they want to be at the funeral of a parent they've treated to cruelly and estranged from, I have no idea.

This is a time when you need to lean on those who love and want to support you the most and certainly doesn't mean that you'll become "a needy old lady".

Easier said than done of course but try to put your youngest SS's anger and bitterness to one side; he's the unreasonable one and anyone who knows him will know that.

You know you have friends here on GN, especially the estrangement forum and we're here for you.

Take care dear friend xx

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this, DL. Take care of yourself, and post when you need to vent.

Sorry DL it is a lot

The issue with estrangement is that when a medical and/or end of life situation arises, it may or not lift the lack of contact

About youngest SS, why don't you drop the rope?
You cannot control what he says and don't you have bigger fish to fry now (take care of yourself)

DL So sorry to hear about your DH I think your wishes are entirely reasonable under the circumstances. Try to focus on saying goodbye to your DH and all those around you who are supporting you. Try not to focus on your SS who clearly has so many of his own issues to deal with. Those issues are not yours so don't waste energy on them. Those that matter will take no notice of his suggestion of being banned and excluded. I hope all goes as you would want it to as you say goodbye to your DH and move into a new reality for yourself. ⚘

My sympathies DL and its so understandable how you feel - be as kind to yourself as you can, you have behaved superbly throughout.

I am so sorry for your loss it's a very difficult time for you. Hold on to the support you are getting now from loved ones and friends. Take care of yourself and you will get through this you will find the strength somehow.

I think this is the time to focus on your grief and the people who are here for you.

Let these people go

It doesn't matter whether they attend the funeral or not or when they attend. Let go of them and your feelings towards them. Concentrate on your happy memories with your husband

Thank you all for the comments.

My eldest GS (26) has been over and we've laughed and cried over some memories.

He's been a huge help with what he's said, and made me realise what I should be focusing on.

Thanks again x

So sorry for your loss. Try to concentrate on the positives around you. Move on, and leave all those negatives behind. You don't need them in your life.

DiamondLily I am so sorry your darling husband has died. You are a member of a club none of wanted to join . But I am glad your darling man isn't suffering anymore. I had to tell my husband to stop struggling and we would be ok he died minutes later. It's so hard to let them go but we had to. I did it 19 years ago and there's no a day gone by I don't miss him.

For you this estrangement with your husband's children is adding to your grief but glad you have your own family and friends to support you. Only who you want will be allowed to speak at the funeral that you can control. Just make sure who ever does the service doesn't ask anyone who wants to talk about your husband.

You have no control who attends the funeral so if your horrible step kids turn up surround yourself with those who love you. But if you have a wake you just invite who you want there and any uninvited guests can be ejected. I am sure your family and friends would gladly do that for you.

You don't have to look at or talk to who you don't want to. Nor do you have to accept any flowers you don't want from people anywhere near you husband's coffin.

Sorry have to go just noticed the time and my daughter will be coming for me soon.

Didn't want to ignore your heartbreaking post.

It's your husband's funeral the other half of you and you do it the way you want. Bugger anyone who tries to spoil it for you.

DiamondLily you have support places on GN here on estrangement and as Smiles said the support thread but also the bereavement threads. I have written on several.

The rage and anger you feel won't just be because of your husband's children but as I found out it's all part of grieving for the other half of yourself. And it's something you have to let yourself feel don't do what I did and try and fight it as you only hurt yourself. What every you feel is right . If you want to cry,shout,swear or hit a pillow do it. It will make you feel better. Don't think you have to be brave those who love you don't expect you to be . Grief is all consuming it physically hurts as well as mentally. Talk out loud to your husband everyday I promise it helps. I have shouted at mine for leaving me and blamed him for my estrangement as it would never have happened if he had lived he wouldn't have put up with what I did. But I felt better after raging at him then I saw him with that stupid grin on his face. And I felt better.

As a friend of mine who was widowed in November said she didn't realise have shitty it would be or how hard it is to make all the decisions on your own .

Your situation is far worse than mine. As unfortunately you have to face your step children crawling out of the woodwork to see if their dad left then any money in his will. And if he didn't then the back lash from that and if he did then I can see them playing up if it's not as much as they thought.

Your family and friends will protect you as much as they can. But at the end of the day like everyone else who has lost the other half of yourself if like me you will never feel whole again. The moment my husband died my present and future died and it's very hard to make a new present and future but the love you shared will get through each day. But we are the lucky ones we know what it's like to be so loved and to love in return. Love never dies but in my experience neither does grief over the years you learn to live with it. But even 19 years on grief can still overwhelm me.

You must take care of yourself and eat and drink and you may find what I call grief weight loss. It's as if your body burns extract calories so you can cope with the overwhelming sense of loss.

Be kind to yourself and only deal with what you need to and if your family offer to help let them . And just a cuddle from a loved one will mean so much you don't have to talk and cry if you want to.

You have a hard road to travel and it's very new . I call the first 10 years early grief as in my experience it took me that long to realise this is my life.

Take good care of yourself you know your husband would want you to. And cherish every minute you had together it will get you thought the tough times to come. 💐💐

It's quite enough to just concentrate on getting through the funeral - and forcing down the odd sandwich or piece of fruit. Take no notice (at all) of anything you hear from youngest SS. He's got a nerve to expect to be 'included' at this time.

Thank you for your comments - they mean a lot. Really.💐

I won't say a lot today, as I'm having a real meltdown today. It's been a fortnight, and I'm still not getting to grips with it. I'll try tomorrow.

I feel a bit of a fraud on the estrangement threads, as I know what it's for. I just felt better here as I've got to "know" online, many of the posters.

But, the only estrangement, once I get the funeral over, will be me blowing his family out.

I emailed eldest sons (non estranged) wife yesterday, after her thanking me for being so organised and strong, with how I was actually feeling. It wasn't whingey, just how I was finding it.

After 3 hours, she sent me a "thumbs up emoji". Jeez. I didn't want them to do anything. Just have some understanding.

Nope, that wasn't happening.🙄

But, thanks again. You have given me great support. X

A thumbs up is a bit of an astounding response DL!!

So sorry that today is especially hard x

May I ask what response (re: the thumbs up) you were hoping for?

It is a very difficult moment right now, more for some than others.

DiamondLily I feel so angry on your behalf.
But that is no help to you. I endorse everything others have said much better than I could.
Just to add, who ever is passing on the information about the youngest ss feelings, isn't really doing you any favours.
However they think they may be helping.
Can you avoid them for a while?
Knowing what ss is thinking, doing saying etc., is only going to add more pressure for you to cope with.

Do what ever you can to maintain your strength. No one matters for a while except you.

My heart felt condolences

Hithere

May I ask what response (re: the thumbs up) you were hoping for?

It is a very difficult moment right now, more for some than others.

I don't know. But them copping out of the whole thing and responding to my email like that wasn't it.

I can't believe many family members would respond like that.🤔

They aren't bothered - they had already told me that old people were a burden, but I just don't get it. 😗

Yes, well, the funeral is the 2nd of June, and after that, they are all out of my life.

I honestly don't get it - my family are close, loving and supportive. His are so non-caring. Their own mother is rotting alone, in a care home, and they didn't give a toss about DH.

They themselves admit there were no problems with upbringing etc - they just cannot be bothered.

I don't get where they come from. My DH wasn't like that.🙄

DiamondLily you are not a fraud being on the estrangement forum. Why don't you come onto the support thread you are a victim of estrangement through your step children. And we talk about things going on in our lives it's not doom and gloom thread.

Until the will goes through probate you will still be harnessed by your husband's children. And you will need support. Once my mother in law died and the will and probate went through I found out she lied to my husband her only son. She promised a dieing man her estate would be divided between our children and only £5,000 going to others. She lied and she divided her will between our 2 children and her brother. Thankfully we never had anything to do with his side of the family as they disappeared once they got the money.

I had a meltdown for 2 years after my husband died but only at night in bed . I thought I had to be brave and keep strong for our children who where 20and 16 when their dad died. It was only after they left home permanently 2 years after it's what I wanted they needed to live their own lives . I realised I had only hurt myself. So just let myself have a meltdown whenever I needed to.

Grief for me never ends but neither does the love for my husband. Post as often as you want and talk about anything you will be listened to and supported and hopefully helped. 💐

DL
You know where they stand, why look for something different?

I would concentrate on the people who can support you the way you need.

So very sorry to hear of your loss DL, and the struggles you are facing right now. Really hope you can put these to one side and be allowed the space to grieve comforted by those you love and who love you. You aren’t responsible for how others choose to think or behave. Sending much love💐

Whiff

DiamondLily you are not a fraud being on the estrangement forum. Why don't you come onto the support thread you are a victim of estrangement through your step children. And we talk about things going on in our lives it's not doom and gloom thread.

Until the will goes through probate you will still be harnessed by your husband's children. And you will need support. Once my mother in law died and the will and probate went through I found out she lied to my husband her only son. She promised a dieing man her estate would be divided between our children and only £5,000 going to others. She lied and she divided her will between our 2 children and her brother. Thankfully we never had anything to do with his side of the family as they disappeared once they got the money.

I had a meltdown for 2 years after my husband died but only at night in bed . I thought I had to be brave and keep strong for our children who where 20and 16 when their dad died. It was only after they left home permanently 2 years after it's what I wanted they needed to live their own lives . I realised I had only hurt myself. So just let myself have a meltdown whenever I needed to.

Grief for me never ends but neither does the love for my husband. Post as often as you want and talk about anything you will be listened to and supported and hopefully helped. 💐

I know Whiff but I understand that the estrangement support is basically for those unwillingly estranged, and I feel a bit out of sync as I will be the one cutting them out.

I know it's not all doom and gloom - I often read it and smile.

I simply don't get it how some people behave. I know it's only been 2 weeks and it's all encompassing for me, but I still don't get them.

As for the Will they're in for a a shock...my DH changed his will months ago.

Even his personal stuff (watches, rings etc), he has left to my son.

My DH wasn't daft the last few months. He finally understood how uncaring his family were,

I simply don't get it how some people behave
When my Father was dying, he told my husband he was more of a son to him than my brothers.
Based on how my brothers treated him in the later stages of his life, and of course earlier experiences.
My Father was a loving man, also a realist.

The way my brothers (and Mother) are treating me now, is similar to your step family DiamondLily
I've asked my self why and how, I'm not sure there is an answer.

DiamondLily and Namsnanny, - I was astounded by the behaviour of friends, neighbours - and even close relatives - following the death of my husband. People, in general, are remarkably inept at dealing with anything potentially unpleasant, difficult or sad.

Examples:

My neighbour crossing the road, to avoid speaking to me.

His friend, complaining that he wasn't 'invited' to the hospital to say goodbye (although DH wanted no visitors, except me and his sisters). It wasn't about him.

A sudden lack of party/sleepover/outing invites for the children.

Everyone (except one sibling) suddenly very busy/full of excuses/out of contact for six months to a year after the funeral - just as well I was studying with strangers who became new friends!

What are they so scared of? People die every single day. Why the need to pretend it didn't happen?