Feeling just so mentally drained from it all….

DiamondLily

So many threads get disrupted because some think it's always a great idea to pile in on grandparents, usually doing their best.

Not sure what they get out of it - it just drives the OP away.

Sad. 🙁

Yes DL they do sadly, usually in the name of " saying it how it is", " stating the reality not just offering sympathy" etc etc!

Its perfectly possible to provide constructive and truthful feedback in a way that worried upset and hurt people can "hear" but sadly that does not always happen!

Yes it is sad DL and explains why on matters like this, the OP often doesn't return and I wonder how many wish they'd never posted in the first place.

I agree Justbecause but it's always been that way.

So many threads get disrupted because some think it's always a great idea to pile in on grandparents, usually doing their best.

Not sure what they get out of it - it just drives the OP away.

Sad. 🙁

Personally I think if people are sad about a situation and asking for advice, maybe if you haven't got anything nice to say then scroll on by. To hijack a post and just been insulting is so disrespectful.

Perhaps you are being too needy.

Well that wasn't a surprise I would have my message deleted . Like to own up to had it delete ? Don't worry I won't hold my breath. As those that have people's posted deleted never own up.

Personally cant see why people reported anything.
Sometimes think I need to be on the site for longer time to understand who is upset with who in the long term.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I think you're right Adviceplease that the time has come 'to let her go' for now. That doesn't mean it's forever, it just means that you give yourself permission to stop trying to contact her and doing so, may enable her to think about her relationship with you and whether or not she wants it to work.

As Allsorts has said and as we all know, it takes two to have a relationship and you can't work on one if the other person/people don't want it or don't want it enough to make an effort.

Stepping back and protecting your own well being by not being repeatedly hurt by 'phone calls and/or text messages that are ignored, and previously arranged meetings that are cancelled without explanation, is not letting go of the relationship. It's accepting that there's nothing more you can do.

Unfortunately, parents in this situation are often damned if they do and damned if they don't. Accusations of stalking are sometimes made to parents who keep trying to contact their AC despite getting no response.

Parents who for whatever reason aren't prepared to keep chasing their AC and setting themselves up for more hurt, are sometimes accused of not really caring at all.

There's no set of rules Adviceplease, no right or wrong just what's best for you .

I have only now seen this thread.

op, your daughter does indeed sound like she is being difficult. Busy yes, but this bit stood out to me from your op
(no consideration, birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc, doesn’t keep in touch. Only when she wants something).

Not sure I have further advice from some of the good advice already on here.

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Sadly, adviceplease I think Hetty58 is right.

It's perfectly fine to disagree and debate but I'd kindly suggest you are careful how you present your thoughts. It's possible this type of comment could be having an impact on your relationship with your daughter.

Adviceplease

Btw nothing happened between the call to arrangement she just cancelled and didn’t call again to rearrange last weekend as promised

But she did try to call.
Take some comfort in that I think.

Adviceplease - now, it seems, you are being difficult - and quite harsh. It's not your own, personal, private discussion at all. You have no 'ownership' rights - just posted your question here on GN - a public forum, had a variety of responses from us - and now you are being rude and disrespectful - exactly the behaviour you dislike so much.

Adviceplease

No I won't remove comments trying to help.

And actually it is wrong of others to say things about me that aren't true

I will leave your thread but I hope you will consider my advice as it was given kindly

Whiff

I think you have me confused with someone else, I have never reported you and I have never accused you of that.

I have adult children and will probably be a gran quite soon, most of my friends are already. I'm past middle age.

Everyone is welcome to comment on these threads, many comment who aren't estranged at all.

I am very interested in reconsiliation and how to save these troubled relationships

A good way to look at it is that estranged children are sometimes (not always) younger members and may have valuable insight into these relationships.

Two other points

1. We often lose family members ourselves by estranging and often do know how it feels to be estranged by siblings or our other parent

2. Estranging a family member hurts. We can and do empathize with mourning the loss of a relationship, it's not usually a choice we want to make, it is one that is forced upon us

I'm speaking for those who try to help here and are estranged for good reason. I have never met an estranged child here who did so for a bad reason, have you?

Violet Sky why have you taken over my post? It is very upsetting and you obviously don’t have any understanding of my post. I also find it quite disheartening that it has caused others to have to post their response to you. Please can you delete your post on my thread as it is so not helpful to me the ORIGINAL Post person.
If the replies to Violet Sky could too, maybe send your comments privately? Thank you

That's not what I said Allsorts

I'm sorry you don't believe in counselling but it's not just about talking, it's about learning self improvement techniques like how to handle difficult people, learn resilience and assertiveness etc

It's especially helpful when you choose to end a relationship to consider if that's the right choice with a trained listener.

There are different types of counselling too like domestic abuse counselling or grief counselling

It's not forever either, 6 months for me. And I don't think Americans are much different, I think you are thinking of TV tropes

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VS how can you say the poster has to live with the consequences of not accepting counselling? Did you not read the post? The d doesn't want to meet up never mind speak, her decision, it takes 2. She sounds a nightmare anyway, just feel for the granddaughter , she will have big issues in the future if she hasn't got them now..Counselling very often just gets you to relive events many of which you have no control. It might be the answer for you and others but it's not so for everyone. It's quite the thing in America to have it for life, talking endlessly about your problems. There's also worth considering you might not just get on, that's reality. You can't change people or they wouldn't be them.

That's a choice

You also have the choice to offer to work on your relationship together or enter joint counselling

If you choose to get go of the relationship, you have to live with that so at the very least, get that counselling for yourself

Btw nothing happened between the call to arrangement she just cancelled and didn’t call again to rearrange last weekend as promised

So I had a missed call from her yesterday. I did try to call back half an hour later, but didn’t reply and no call since.
I do think it’s rude and quite mean. Yes she does know where I am. I will step back.
It is very upsetting, I am finding her shutting me out very difficult. It’s time to let her go. I think it is very sad 😞.

Thanks for all the advice.

Advice please, you have no alternative but to step back. Let her contact you, As you are not a mind reader you can’t know why anyone does anything, I think anyone too busy to cancel an arrangement, including your own daughter, is very rude and that’s being generous. Fill our life with other things, don’t dwell on what you can’t change. You can change how you react though. Don’t let anyone bring you down.

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