Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Dear Tracey - I’m sorry you’re here and glad you’re here in equal measure. I wish you well as you process your situation. Know you’re not alone in what you face. We all understand only too well. Sending love ❤️

Hello everyone. I've not been on GN for a long time due to working a lot more.

Earlier in the year my son sent me an anonymous letter and wished me well in a magnanimous way but implied I am a misandrous person and that I have posted on GN about him. Well, I hadn't at the time he had sent it and I've waited to post about it hoping he won't be reading. I wanted to reply but he was quite negative and made it obvious that I'm the bad one and he's generously wishing me the best- so I didn't know what to say. I do want to return something by post but would appreicate the advice of any seasoned Estranged parents. The one thing I don't want to do is open myself up to attack/drama/arguments.

Wishing you all the best.

Tracey you are not alone with your estrangement. Here you will find help , understanding ,support and most of all friendship. Write whatever you want . Nothing you say is wrong. Don't blame yourself for your estrangement and don't feel ashamed. Estrangement has to long been taboo . Here it's not . This is a safe place. Use it as you need. Glad you found us.

I know without this thread I wouldn't have coped with what my son has done or the loss of my 3 grandson's.
💐

Hello Tracy and a warm welcome to our support thread. I'm so sorry that you're estranged from your son and GS but pleased that you have found us here because the friendship, care and support you will find is priceless.

I do hope you'll post again .

Hello. I'm new here. Struggling to cope with estrangement from my adult son and Grandson x

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As I talk about my craft group. One of our group has just finished this for a friend it has 470 pom poms.

Made 9 and three quarter pounds of tom chutney be ready just before Christmas.

I love the film Knives out. Christopher Plummer has a mug which says my house my rules my coffee. That's how I feel about my bungalow except I don't drink coffee.

Like you Smiles I feel safe and happy here. I didn't in my old house.

I found decluttering my house ready to move decluttered my mind. And I let go of things I had held on to for far to long.

Estrangement hasn't stop me being happy nor regret moving. It's just a blip in my otherwise happy life.

My love for my husband far out weights the love for my son. I love the son I knew not who he is now. No idea who he is . And as time goes by I don't think I do want to know him. He and my daughter in law have hurt me to much.

If they thought I would stop living my life to the full then they are sadly mistaken. I know I am stronger in mind and body than I was. Well not always body. 😊

Morning everyone.

It's a lovely morning here at our lodge and was a nice day yesterday too. Such a relief after the constant rain and strong winds.

I'm glad my post helped Spring. We were judged and sentenced by our AC when they estranged us. Some of us have been unfairly judged by others in 'real' life and sadly here on GN and other social media sites. So there's no reason too and nothing to be gained from judging ourselves when it comes to how we choose to handle our estrangements, and the decisions we make when moving forward.

It feels good to tackle the jobs in our homes that we've been hesitant about. The new flooring and carpet sounds great and getting rid of clutter makes you feel good too. We've gone through every room in the house this year, including the garage and store room in the basement, and feel better for it.

Even Mr. S. who was less than enthusiastic to begin with, has found the entire process rather cathartic and freeing.

Thank you for the flowers Yogin. Knowing how close too and involved in your GD's life before you were estranged, I like to think that if you were to meet again, that strong and wonderful bond you once shared would be resurrected, and she'll remember her lovely GM.

It's true Whiff and quite shocking just how many people who we share our estranged status with are themselves estranged, and/or have family or friends who are estranged too.

Love the way you describe your method for making tomato chutney, made me chuckle.

7 years ago today, we'd just arrived at what would be our new home to begin moving in. I remember it vividly, down to the smallest detail. Most of all I remember waking up the next day and smiling, as I listened to the sea gulls which I knew would be a permanent fixture because we moved to a town by the sea. Also a feeling of relief that was almost indescribable. For the first time in 4 years since we were estranged, I felt safe and happy.

Yogin glad your son has all the right gear and enjoying his job. HGV driving is long hours and it's a big worry for you . But he's happy and I know my brother and son liked being out as neither could have an office job. Being a chef my son knew it wouldn't work having a family but driving would.

There have been some sorry looking dogs even with coats and even sorrier looking owners with the amount of rain we have been having. It's been bad all week here and with the sea close by the wind has made it worse. Thursday there was a chill in the air. Even the herring gulls where having to fight the wind flying . Was funny thought when I saw one get blown backwards. I didn't realise how big there where and the black backed gulls are until had one land in my garden . I love seeing the Terns flying as they are so graceful. But must be staying by the dunes to have some shelter. Not seen any all week.

Smiles only found out yesterday we have a singer in our craft group. Says her voice isn't like it was but she loves to go every week it's a choir but not a church one.

Birthday's and anniversaries can be hard . I still wish my son and family happy birthday,Easter and Christmas. It's my daughter and son in laws 12th wedding anniversary on Sunday . Can still picture my mom standing on the steps at 1.30 am singing her heart out with a group of drunk Scousers. Mom wasn't drunk but she always loved to sing. Mentioned it to my daughter yesterday made her laugh to. It was a hot day for November . My son and daughter in law's wedding anniversary in the 10th their 8th. Funny enough both couples where 28 when they married 4 years apart. Both couples set a budget and paid for their own wedding . Which I am proud of. Both where lovely days and both had sunshine. And my mom danced at both . Only to 10.30 at my son's ,then my daughter and son in law took her back to the hotel while I stayed until the end. Looking back I know my daughter in law was drunk but displayed some inappropriate behaviour. But I never said a word from that day until now.

Funny how important dates can stir memories good and bad. Last time I saw my son he was 32 as it was before his birthday. Both my son and daughter in law are 36 and my daughter and son in law 40. Glad time fly's by since my move . Before it dragged and went from one crises to another after my husband died.

My thighs didn't stop aching until Thursday . We did a lot of leg work at Sit fit. Walked round a circle of chairs on our toes twice. There where 14 of us. Good job I had a chair to hold on. Then we did lunges and squats 24 times each exercise. Plus all the usual exercises and lot of arm movements using resistance bands. But I love going . Need a rest afterwards . Great group of woman and instructor.

Well better stop my ramble.. Making tomato chutney this morning my way. Which involves just sitting in the kitchen reading and giving it stir every 10 mins.

Hope you all have a good day .

Posted in case I lost a hours writing . Looking back with the grief ,having to look after my parents and mother in law plus having more pain flares I don't know how I did it. But we all just get on with what life throws at us.

Spring estrangement is a living grief which has been said many times before. But it's nothing compared to the grief of the other half of yourself.

I can't talk about having a child die young or old as I don't know that pain. But it must be unbearable. The worst possible grief.

Spring have you surprised yourself with the things you have done and your choices you have made even down to colour. I went with an open mind when choosing my kitchen,showroom and colours I found I loved. Apart from white my bungalow is completely different colours and style . All my old furniture with a few new pieces but everything is in a different place to my old house. Which I thought of as ours after my husband died . But here it's mine. Which may sound selfish but I have never had anything that was just mine before.

Moving gave Smiles and Mr S a new life so did Yogin and hope Hugs is enjoying getting their home just as they want it after having to have major things done they didn't expect.

My son's estrangement as hard as it is I have more good things happen since my move. Seeing my daughter and family , having more true friends than ever,good neighbours but more importantly better healthcare and finally knowing and getting help for 2 things I was born with.

Knowing about the HPX opened up a whole never world for me literally as the Facebook group is world wide. Been on there the last few days so many new people have joined with lots of questions. Only 31 to go at it hits 1,000. Over 100 have joined since I did.

It's like here everyone is there for eachother. And talks about their experience having HPX or having a child or children with it.

Estrangement can be very isolating like having an undiagnosed health condition. You feel it's only you . But the relief to find out others are experiencing it to is worth its weight in gold. Like estrangement had to learn everything I could about it but with estrangement I will never know why. At least with HPX there is a reason for it and my hole in my heart and PAF .

For me I have never blamed myself for what my son has done . He choose to decide I am not his mom and left my grandson's with just a nan. But at least I am independent. She lives with them what an example to set my grandson's especially as the 3 of them having to share a double bedroom. They need more space . There house is to small for 3 adults ,3 children and 3 dogs.

Spring lovely to read your post. That's the wonderful about this thread we care about eachother doesn't matter if you are a regular or occasional posters or someone who just reads and pops on with the odd comment. I have a friend I made on GN . Who reads this thread but isn't estranged herself but finds the support,advice, understanding and more importantly friendship here up lifting.

As I ramble in real life like I do here a lot of people know about my estrangement. If people ask if I have children I always say yes 2 and 5 grandson's. If they asked do I see them then I do say yes to my daughter but tell them about my son. But because I do that it's surprising how many have a child, children, grandchildren or siblings that they are estranged from.

Going to the hospital once a taxi driver told me he hadn't see or heard from his daughter since her wedding. He had no idea why. All he got was a message from her husband saying she wanted nothing to do with him . He said the only person who knew was his wife who their daughter contacted via text once a month. As it takes about 40 mins to drive to the hospital I listened to him and talked. When we got to the hospital he thanked me as it was nice to talk to someone who understood and now he knew it happens to others. As he through people would blame him that he did something to make his daughter not want him .

Lost track of how many times that's happened. Even one of my craft group talked about her son I held her while she cried.

I can only do this because of the support I get here. I have always talked about my husband and before my move here had people want to talk about their loss. But I only talk about things I have experienced myself . But a while ago thinking about it I was surprised how much I had experience in. Like everyone here we all have experience in different things but we just get on with things and do what is needed . Whether it's for a short while or years. I don't mean just big things, but things like Smiles doing think it was the accounts for the church . Which I remember her saying took a lot out of her and was glad when she gave it up.

If we got paid for everything we did then and now we would be millionaires . But all our experiences make us who we are good or bad. As we get older never old. More things happen to us and our loved ones . I love facing new challenges good or bad because I find a way a way to do what I want or help in anyway I can.

Spring glad you are doing some home improvements . Moving here changed my life completely. I didn't live my life to the full after my husband died. To many people dependant on me . Also my house didn't feel like home . It became a stone round my neck . I rattled round the house after the children left. I wasn't happy .

Thanks Smileless - you yet again have brought some much needed perspective! You’re so right in that we too manage birthdays and Christmas etc so much better now, but it’s the unexpected triggers that floor us….those comments that come left field. I like what you say about not feeling obliged to share everything with newer friends. I suppose because it feels such an enormous thing for us, I’ve translated that into thinking I’m keeping a big secret. But as you say it’s actually a part of my life that I can justifiably choose not to speak about. Thanks.
Re house improvements- new wood effect flooring in the hallway and a new carpet in the dining room! We’ve cleared some clutter so all now looking much smarter!

Smiles By your post I think your estS birthday hit a bit harder than you're admitting to yourself . My son was 37yrs last Sunday.

I have all the birthdays on my calendar, but I don't acknowledge them. Less than 2 weeks till my 11th anniversary of being estranged. I did have a small bleed of the heart last night when I thought of my beloved little GD, the very special bond we had, destroyed for no other reason than jealousy. She will never remember this, but I wonder if when/if we meet, she would feel that bond deep down in her heart, I like to think she would. My little GS was only 18mnths so can't imagine he would feel anything.

Some people are so cruel. Is my estD cruel or is it the brainwashing from her cruel H. I think of the kind & thoughtful things my estD did and find it hard to come to terms with it.

So good to see your post Spring.

Try not to think of it as hiding a secret but choosing not to share one aspect of your life. It's only with our dearest and closest friends that we share almost or every part of our lives.

We've found that the friends who do know, don't mention our estrangement; if we want to to mention it we know we can. In the early days they would ask if we'd heard from him I think because like us, they never envisaged it being permanent.

Having made some home improvements is absolutely a sign that you're feeling braver and more confident about the future as you continue to move forward with your lives. It would be nice to know what you've been up too.

Even if at some point you decide to move, don't see it as running away. Every single thing we've done or will do, no matter how big or small to rebuild our lives, takes courage and strength which is why we should take pride in all of those steps and decisions.

How ever far along this road we're on. How ever long it's been, all of us can look back to when we were first estranged and marvel at the fact that we are all still here, functioning and rebuilding because there would have been a time for everyone of us when we thought our lives were over, because we simply couldn't envisage a life worth living without the children we've lost.

It was our ES's 39th birthday yesterday which we briefly acknowledged without the tears and the overwhelming grief that that day for years used to bring.

It's no longer those important days like his birthday, the GC's birthdays, Christmas, our birthdays and mothers and fathers days that blind side us. It happens totally unexpectedly. Sometimes there's a trigger and other times it's completely out of the blue when "the enormity of estrangement hits hard again".

We are hit by a wave of grief and pain, and all we can do is wait for it to recede so we can pick ourselves up, an carry on. At least we now know it will recede because although the pain and grief of estrangement never leaves us, the intensity does diminish with time.

Whiff I too am so sorry for all you went through and continue to suffer. So very traumatic for you all I’m sure. Sending love ❤️

Not felt like posting for a while. Sometimes the enormity of the estrangement hits hard again. Also although some folk are aware, I rarely speak of it, so am seeing some folk regularly who have no idea. If they mention children I either keep quiet or say just a little….but I’m now feeling guilty for not telling them. As if I’m hiding a big secret. Which I am I guess. But it’s so hard isn’t it? I don’t want every friendship to be defined by the fact I have a child I’m estranged from. I don’t want pity or judgement. I don’t want to be asked regularly if anything’s changed. It takes enormous effort as we know to rebuild life after estrangement. To every day deal with the grief of loss and self recrimination……and mixed in there some confusion and anger too. For me survival is trying to compartmentalise….look at the estrangement when I feel able to, not when a friend refers to it, however well meant.
On a positive note, we’ve recently made some home improvements. I’d avoided this for some time thinking we might need to move and make a fresh start elsewhere. I hope it means I’m feeling braver and more confident about the future going forwards, because I think the desire to move for me was really all about running away.

Oh Whiff I'm so very sorry

Morning everyone.

Arrived here to our lodge on Monday afternoon in the rain, and it's been raining ever since so extremely boggy here so plenty of ball games with the dogs inside to compensate for very short walks.

Such a shame that your s.i.l.'s Halloween stall didn't do well Whiff with so many fabulous items for sale. I'm not into Halloween but I would have found it hard to resist and not buy anything.

Simply love reading your posts; the longer the better .

You did well to watch any of that documentary having lost your DH so tragically and much too soon .

Our dogs don't seem to mind when I practice my singing*Yogin*. They often look at me and sometimes wag their tails which I'm not sure demonstrates their approval or disdain.

I often take myself down to our second living room in the basement as the acoustics are pretty good and I can belt it out to my heart's content.

I'm glad your son's enjoying his new job, especially with the hours being so long which you're probably more conscious of than he is, especially if you're waiting for him to get home.

Off to a lovely garden centre today to wander around the fabulous Christmas displays they have every year and for a light lunch. My favourite is the Christmas model village display with little houses and shops lit up and a fair ground with various rides moving.

It would cost an absolute fortune to buy everything and recreate it, which is probably why when every year I suggest to Mr. S. that we empty our basement living room and do so, he always says 'no'.

We were here 7 years ago, not in our lodge but our original static caravan as we'd got back from Florida and were waiting to move into our new home.

7 years on the 4th of November since we moved and after 4 years of living just down the road from ES and only GC, our lives began again.

Missed out he died 1.27pm on the Friday lunchtime. I was crying when I wrote it.

Just been watching Rhod Gilberts cancer documentary . Couldn't watch the last 15 mins. My husband had a mask like his made and the day he should have had his first radiotherapy treatment was the day he died. I remember the hospital phoned to ask why he has missed his appointment and remember shouting he's to busy dieing. I phoned weeks after he died to apologise as I don't normally act like that.

After my husband's cancer was removed a scan showed they had got it all. But we knew he wouldn't live 5 years. But he didn't want anyone to know but me and the children. He didn't want anyone to treat him differently. Or in his words like a dead man walking. When he got the 6 tumours he had palliative chemo. It was only then we realised there are lots of different chemos for each cancer and which grade you had. His was 4. I said are you going to have your hair cut before chemo he said no I am not wasting £7 when I will loose my hair. He didn't but the 2 side effects he didn't want he had . Lost his sense of taste and he was impotent. He cried in my arms that he was dieing and couldn't make love to me.

I think I 'm ok and can watch people talking about their experience with cancer and how they feel . But I can't. He was given 4 months to 2 years once he was terminal he lived just under the 4 months. He wanted to get to his 47th but he spent it in hospital struggling for breath with am oxygen mask on. Our daughter was with my son and me . My husband told her to go back to uni the next day . So she did. That was the day they told him he had 5 weeks. He came home on the Wednesday and died at 1.27pm.with me and the children after I told him to stop fighting and we would be ok. He couldn't breath.

But there is never an ok.

Lovely Halloween stuff Whiff shame she only made £12!
Yes, we have those post-box knitted items too, very clever!

Hope all's well with you Allsorts xx

Whiff my son was given some really nice clothing when he began his new job, so has a very heavy raincoat on when he gets out of his cab. He loves his job, but I feel the hours are far too long! It was his birthday yesterday, still worked all day, but got home for his Sunday roast at about 6.15pm, much earlier than usual and had his presents and cards to open. Luckily, the night before his birthday, he got in before his sister and nieces left, so had his birthday cake and presents from them, so that was lovely.

Yes Smiles, it's a problem with our little doggies; going away. I haven't left Joey yet and don't plane to either. He's fine when I go out to work as he knows my routine, but if like Saturday, when we all went out from here to see the Halloween Parade, I could hear him crying after I closed the door We were to stay for the fireworks afterwards but as it started raining, we headed home instead, so only out for about 2hrs. How are your doggies when you do your singing practice Smiles?

If that Peter is the Yorkshire ripper, I am watching the series on TV, still 1 or 2 episodes to watch called 'The long shadow'.
Smiles your son in Oz is just going to have to come back to live in the UK now, he's been over there much too long!

Lots more post to read so will make a coffee and be back...

Bet you are all glad I have shut up 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

Mind you did get told on another thread my posts where to long.. So decided not to post on there again but the other posters asked me to still post as they liked my rambles. When I posted put at the end bet you regret asking me not to stop posting. Few said that made them laugh. But glad I still wrote. 😁

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Well better finish my ramble. My sister in law and friend did a Halloween fair the weekend but she only made £12 but none of the stalls did well. She is doing a Christmas one but in a different place. But wanted to show you their stall. All the needle felting and the pigeons are her work. The honey is from her friends bees. If they held it by me they would have sold out. The other pic is of the post box by me.