Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Eccles this is a safe thread to say exactly what you need and know you are understood. We all feel your pain as we know what it feels like to have a child or children and grandchildren not want us and no idea why.

Don't know if your granddaughter is old enough to make her own decision's. My 3 grandson's had no choice and the youngest wasn't born until after my son dumped me. My grandsons are nearly 7,5 and 3.

It's been 3 years for me he did it via email and follow up letter.

Smiles,Yogin and Allsorts it's been 10+ years for them But this thread has been going for that long . But estrangement has and unfortunately still a is taboo subject. As people automatically blame the parent or parents when it's our children who decide we are disposable. They think they are the perfect child and parent. One day they will have a wake up call. How would they like it if their child did the same thing to them what they are doing to us.

You have probably like me seen things is the way your daughter has handled your granddaughter that you thought was wrong but like me keep my mouth shut. It's parents who makes the rules for their children not grandparents. So we follow those rules even if we don't think it's right and still we are cast aside thing a piece of rubbish.

As said many times estrangement is a living grief. I know I grief for the son I loved. I have no idea who he is now and that son I don't even like after all the things he wrote about me . The lies and things he assumed I did . He has no idea how I tried to help them when they where going through a tough time. But of course we are branded the evil parent or parents.

But we are all here for you .

Hello Eccles and a warm welcome to GN and particularly to this support thread.

All of us here understand what you're going through especially the shock, which so many of us experienced when we were estranged by the child we were once so close too.

Losing one's child is bad enough but when that means you lose a GC too, it's a double blow.

You will find friendship and support here so I hope you'll post again .

No matter how hard you try, you can't be positive all of the time Justbe. Those days of sadness come and go and for you, you must feel in 'no man's land', unsure of where you stand and what the future may hold.

I do understand the temptation to message but having made two that have gone unanswered, I agree that if she perceives this as chasing her, taking a step back is the best thing to do.

We need to protect ourselves from any further pain, what we're going through is hard enough isn't it .

A strange day for us having attended our vicar's last ever service before she retires. She's become a great friend and I know we'll stay in touch after she moves away. Plans are already being made, but we'll feel her absence here all the same.

So far this year, too much of what constituted our foundation has gone. Our decision to leave the church we'd been going too since we arrived was the right one I know. Yet seeing some of the congregation this morning, seeing they were visibly upset and hearing how much they miss us, was difficult.

Our retiring vicar is another loss, and of course the loss of one of our lovely girls is the hardest and most painful of all.

I feel as if I've been cast adrift. No storms on the horizon (I hope) the peace remains, but that sense of security's been diminished, something that I can't put my finger on has shifted and it's unsettled me.

So I remind myself that when we first came here, we knew no one and of course we still have the friends that we'd never have had if we'd not moved here and who knows what the future has in store.

Justbecause have a good cry it will make you feel better. Then dry your eyes and know you are not the alone feeling sad. We all go through the same thing .

You have tried to contact your daughter and been rejected again. Yes you have to protect yourself and it's awful knowing from your own child hurting you. But it took me 3 years to stop hopefully he will change his mind. But know he never will. While it hurts it hurt more holding out hope.

My husband's death hurts me more than anything my son has done . But I live with the grief for my husband every second of the day . And it gets harder every year. But I realised the grief I felt for losing my son has gotten easier to live with . Hence my decision to give him one last chance must be couple of months ago and text him . Got back abuse so I am done . No more hoping . And it has lifted a weight from my shoulders.

Luckily I have my daughter and family. I have good friends in the real world and here who understand me .

Be happy and live the life you want 🌹

Smiles you are grieving for your lovely neighbour. Your vicar leaving is another change and sometimes we can only deal with so much change one thing at a time not multiple things happening together.

It will take time to get back to feeling yourself. My whole life change for the better when I moved even my son's decision's not to want me hasn't made me wish I hadn't moved.

I have far more positives in my life than the one negative. You have lots of your positives in your life . You just have to deal with your grief first before you can get back to normal. Lean on Mr S as he leans on you and your love for eachother will get through. 🌹

Hello Eccles,

Welcome to this thread. It’s very safe and you will get support from very kind and understanding members.

Smiles

Thank you for your kind words. Yes feeling “lost” but know it will pass and I have to just let her be. She knows I’m hurting and where I am. It’s up to her if she wants to keep in touch.

I’m sorry you’ve been having an upsetting time. Life really can be rough at times. With changes ahead, you will find new ways to connect with what’s important to you. I’d be very gentle atm as you have suffered a shock and loss and will take time to settle. Just feel those feelings and this too shall pass. Sending (((hugs)))

Thanks Whiff,
I haven’t cried for a long time. I think I just am so numb from the last couple of years. The contact is on/off so many times, her terms it’s been a horrid rollercoaster. But TY. Think I might start getting out for early morning walks to use up my frustration. Unfortunately I don’t have any other children and so put all my eggs in one basket. I’ve had my eyes wide opened though and as much as I am there for her if she wants a relationship with me. I have to protect myself going forward.

Enjoy your days

So sorry Justbe. Your DD has had a very busy time right now, maybe when she has settled into her normal routine, she will be back in touch to share all her news of her Honeymoon with you.

Eccles give your DD a little time & space then hopefully she will be back in your life again. Good luck.

Smiles Hope you' re feeling a little easier today, after all the negatives that's been happening in your life. Your poor young friend next door dying like that, out of the blue. I hope her partner is holding up, must be good for her to know you & Mr.S are just next door.

I read in my local paper & hear on the news of all these young healthy people suddenly dying yet being completely healthy before. I wonder when folk will join up the dotes!

Morning

Thank you so much for the kind words it helps to know I am not alone!!

I have thought about sending a simple card but a bit scared that I won’t get a reply!!

I know I wasn’t a perfect parent but who is? Her dad was not an easy man and pulled in the opposite direction all the time it took me years to find the strength to leave. I genuinely thought she understood but now it’s like I am the worst mum ever and it hurts so much!!

Good Morning Eccles,

It’s early days, but if you think sending a card with a short message. Keeping it light. Have no expectations that she will reply. They don’t always, if not ready to, but atleast she knows you care, tried and open.

Just say you miss her and keep it light. In your thoughts sending love.

Look after you too!

Hope you are finally feeling better Allsorts. Our recent bout with Covid took much longer to recover from than the previous.

Smiles - all difficult stuff to deal with, which really gets to our emotions and as you say, shakes our foundation. Maybe this is also part of the legacy of estrangement that we feel such losses more deeply, because we've learnt to treasure even more those we have in our lives. All I can say is hold onto the belief that life is full of surprises and there are plenty of new friends we just haven't met yet. Your vicar will be leaving her community and friends and also have to build a new life elsewhere, so am sure she'll really value you keeping in touch.

Justbecause - I hope you can make peace with giving your daughter some space, and build a happy life not dependent on her, or expecting anything from her. Otherwise bitter/sad thoughts can destroy us: "she knows I'm hurting...." The only thing we can control in this is how we react, and regardless of mistakes we've made in the past, we can choose/try to be loving and kind going forwards, even if we never experience in our relationship the outcome we all long for.

Welcome Eccles. Many of us know the 'scared' feeling - when you reach out and hope, but then experience the gutting pain of no response. Only you will know what is right in your situation, and what you personally can cope with. For me I know I had to try before eventually giving up.

Whiff - really hope the pain is under better control this week.
Take care.

Hi Spring20

Thank you, your reply to
"she knows I'm hurting..”
Got me thinking, she knew I was upset before her wedding, but I actually don’t think she cares whether I’m okay or not. I’m not sure she has any empathy towards me at all.

Tbh I don’t think she has time or space for me in her life atm. But I do send loving messages. Keeping the door open.

I think we both need time and space and yes I need to focus my energies and efforts elsewhere.

Thank you for making me think about that.

Hi Spring20

I just wish I understood keeping it simple was what I was thinking too!

They have blocked photos on Instagram so I can’t even see pictures of my GD which just feels mean!! I didn’t get an invite to her 2nd b/day!!

I struggles with my mum but I never stopped her seeing my D - it wasn’t her fault!! But if this doesn’t stop then my GD will have no choice in the matter!

She knows my situation and I feel she has kicked me when I’m down

I’m hurt but angry & disappointed!!

So nice to have a space to talk about it

Sorry think I sent to wrong person new to all this meant justbecause!!

Yoginimeisje

Smiles Hope you' re feeling a little easier today, after all the negatives that's been happening in your life. Your poor young friend next door dying like that, out of the blue. I hope her partner is holding up, must be good for her to know you & Mr.S are just next door.

I read in my local paper & hear on the news of all these young healthy people suddenly dying yet being completely healthy before. I wonder when folk will join up the dotes!

Yes, when will people wake up? Young fit people are dropping like flies, particularly young men ... it's awful and is a huge criminal scam on a global scale. Sadly us the 'little people' won't be able to do much about it unless everyone finally sees it and says 'stop'!

Can anyone tell me what the book is that you are reading please?

I was estranged from my youngest DD some years ago, and my eldest has since died - fortunately my youngest and I have become much closer, but she has never admitted or apologised for what she did to me, which 'could' in the future cause me to lose my leg .... I still don't 'quite' trust her somehow?

My BFF, at the tine took my daughter in after I had to tell her to leave my house, so lost my DD and my BFF in one go really, and they are still more close really. My BFF is moving to be closer to both of us and she has a sociopathic, drug dealing, criminal DS, who has had £thousands off her (she's disabled on benefits). We got him out at one point having had to ask the police for help, but she's let him back. He got his disabled dad taken away by the police because this 6'4" 20yr old thought his dad who had had a bad stroke, had one functional hand (not his good hand!) and could barely walk, was going to kill him, and the police took him away! Took us about 9 weeks to get him out of the care home, as he had had a DOLS put on him, not even discussed with his wife! His aim was to remove everyone who would support them, (us) and goad his mum into losing it (also had had a stroke) and get her put away in a care home as well, however, he wasn't bright enough to realise that had that been the case, the 5 bed home they lived in would have been sold under his feet to pay for it! When he was thrown out, he got a job, somewhere to live etc and seemed to be improving, but he has since given up his job as 'the atmosphere at work wasn't good' (he worked from home!!) and is living off his disabled parents again - recently found out he'd added her debit card to his Apple Pay on his phone, but they still haven't chucked him out, despite his dad really loathing him, but she can't do confrontation! At least we will be able to keep more of an eye on him, but tomorrow when her house sells and she purchases something smaller, she will have around £80k in her account, so am very concerned! Told her to buy him a one-way ticket to Thailand, but not sure they will let him in because of his criminal record (selling drugs at school, and !carrying weapons with intent to cause harm or similar). Her other DS is a joy, but has sadly moved to New Zealand, and we all miss him dreadfully ...

Sorry, I have rambled on again!

Justbecause - you did brilliantly going to the wedding and handling yourself with dignity. and sending the couple a loving note afterwards. It’s so hard as we can’t force someone to want us in their life. Maybe as you say your D is busy/overwhelmed right now. Hold onto the fact that you’ve been kind and thoughtful. I hope she’s able to see this, but even if she doesn’t I hope you’re comforted knowing you’ve done the right thing.

Afternoon everyone, just been catching up on all your posts.

There's always the fear that if you reach out by any means there'll be no response Eccles so it really depends whether or not you feel strong enough to deal with this is if it happens.

Justbe's right, if you do send a card keep it light.

Yes I think feeling loss more keenly because we've been estranged is right Spring. Her death has hit me very hard, far harder than I ever could have imagined TBH, and it's been making me marvel that we managed to survive our ES's treatment of us. We did of course but I've no idea how we managed it or how any of us do.

So sorry to hear of your estrangement and the death of your eldest MadeInYorkshire . Becoming closer to your youngest must be comforting but having been estranged by her once before, the fear that this could happen again will never leave you, especially as she's never accepted responsibility or apologised.

The book I'm currently reading by Sharon Ann Wildey is 'Abandoned Parents: Scapegoating and A Strategy for Reconciliation'. If you've not read any of her work before, I suggest you begin with her first book 'Abandoned Parents: The Devil's Dilemma'. 'Abandoned Parents: Healing Beyond Understanding' is also excellent.

I haven't picked the third up for a week and it isn't a book you just sit down and read from cover to cover as it is challenging and for me, some of the content has been triggering but I will finish it when my head's in a better place.

Having been estranged for more than 10 years, I didn't think it would affect me the way it has but no regrets for buying it and reading so far.

MadeInyorkshire very sorry for the loss of your eldest AC, must have made estrangement from your D even more hard.

For all those newly estranged, the only thing you can do is send a loving message every now and again and not expect or wait for a reply. Very sad but maybe, just maybe one day you will hear back.

Can’t really add any more to the excellent posts in response to Eccles, Spring and MadeinYorkshire and Justbecause. Those first months, then years following estrangement are the most difficult, reliving every word and what iffs. With time comes reluctant acceptance. It’s taken me over 10 years to realise the impossible has really happened and I won’t have a relationship with my d again, however I know what I want more than anything is that she is happy and well, she’s alive and living her life the way she wants to. I hear everyday it seems, that a young person has lost their life, their future, how their families cope I don’t know, knowing your child has lost all their future and a family as we have had, it’s just unbearable. So I count my blessing, I will always have a wobble hand dark days now and then, that ache is still there but I have papered over the painful hole left in my heart and look forward. Thankful I have my son, all the more precious now. Be kind to yourselves, if you have tried and been rebuffed you have to accept what you can’t change, it takes two.
I don’t read any more books on estrangement now Smiles, I feel I could write one.Sorry you have lost that lovely girl but you won’t forget what she means to you, the good times, the kindness, some people are here a short time but leave a legacy of love behind them and she has. A lot live a long life and don’t.

With time comes reluctant acceptance exactly that Allsorts, we don't want to accept we'll never see them again and will in all probability never see our GC, but what else can we do.

some people are here a short time but leave a legacy of love behind them and she has. Yes she has Allsorts; beautifully put, thank you.

The funeral's on Wednesday and we're honoured to have been asked to be in the second car, and Mr. S. has also been asked to be one of the pallbearers.

Smiles will be thinking of you both on Wednesday and your heartbroken lovely girl as you call her. Shows how much they both cared and love you and Mr S to be included in such a way. They and you became more than friends but extended family not by blood but choice. As we all know here friends who we love are better than blood family that have turned their backs on us.

Unfortunately after the funeral your lovely girl will find some people will disappear from her life. As those of us who have lost the love of our life only know to well. It will be very hard and hurtful for her but those that stay she will know that they loved them both and will always help and support her. She will carry her grief with her for the rest of her life and at times it will be overwhelming. But I hope the anger and rage she will feel she realises is normal and hope you can tell her that it is but not to fight against it but use it to get her through each day without the other half of herself. I would hate anyone to suffer as I did by fighting it and thinking I had to be brave for everyone else. As some know I was widowed aged 45. Only wish someone had told me that. I still feel that anger and rage to this day but I use it to face each day and whatever life throws at me.

Like Allsorts has said Eccles,Spring ,MadeinYorkshire and Justbecause can't really add much to all the advice you have been given. But know you will only get , help, support,advice , understanding and friendship here. Thankfully no nasty posters here.

Justbecause haven't commented on your quote you post on your thread as it's been highjacked but estranged children by those that always bash estranged parents and blame us for what our children do to us. But it's a very good quote . I have never thought it was my fault my son dumped me it's was his choice. But it was a shock to realise my kind ,caring and loving son I had for 32 years showed himself to cruel and cowardly as he ended our relationship via email and letter few months later. I have no idea who he is now but I still love the son I knew. But I am not the mother he knew. But decided a few months ago to give him one last chance and text him and had abuse back. So I am done. He has hurt me deeply for 3 years but no more. The grief I feel for my husband daily far outweighs the living grief I feel for my son and grandson's.

It wasn't an easy decision to make but we all have to decide how much we will allow our child, children or grandchildren to hurt us. And for me 3 years is enough.

I have harder things in my life to face but have the love and support of family and friends to get me through.

Spoke to my solicitor yesterday ahead of my PIP tribunal on Tuesday. Emma who I saw at the Brain Charity had been in touch with her to clarify some points if law. Been told they will center in how my health was in July last year when I was turned down. And will want to know if I was the same ,better or worse when I was turned down from when I applied in April. My memory is crap due to the HPX so I know I was worse then but will have to say all the things I can't do know stem from then. Can't remember in which order things came so will have to say things I can't do now happened then which they probably did but can't remember exactly which month things happened. I applied for my PIP forms end of March last year they had them back 12th April year. It's taken since they turned me down to get to tribunal and they will only care about last July and the couple of months after as it's law. What a crap law . There are tens of thousands like me. But I have been fighting since 1988 to get disability benefits. I don't tell lies because if my crap memory but have decided I will need to but it wouldn't be lies really just have to make out how I am now started them . But it probably did I just can't remember even though I wrote things down by my hand writing is so bad can't read some bits.

The hearing lasts maximum of a hour. An hour when this has been my life for 65 years. Emma from the Brain Charity will be with me but won't be allowed to say anything.

Having such a rare hereditary neurological condition means they will have no idea what it is or what it does . Only person at the Neurological hospital I got to has it. My neurologist has never had a patient with it so he's having to learn about it and I pass on all the things I learnt by talking to others with it. Found out yesterday that a woman's syptoms got worse after her second c section. Had both my children by c section and my limb jerks and severe pain started when my son was 6 months old. Cause and effect no idea but it's interesting.

Anyway sorry I have hi jacked the thread with my PIP problems . But the thought of the tribunal wearing me out.

Take care everyone and no it's our children that choose to abandon us and we have done everything we can to bring them up with unconditional love and support and good family values never blame yourself for their chooses . They have chosen their path but one day when our grandchildren are adults they had better watch out as they think they are prefect and they will find out they are not. But by then I will no longer care as my grandson's are nearly 7,5 and 3. Care for my grandsons as they are innocent in all this and my love is unconditional and if they want to find me they will if not it's their choice.

Whiff I am sorry at this latest twist in your case for PIP, it's so wrong. Everyone us routing for you we know how bravely you manage despite your health. I can't remember exactly how I was over a year ago, it's ridiculous.
I get fed up with estranged children making out its always the parents fault, I can just say that with some children it must be nice to get peace. Not the case with my d, she obviously had her reasons and I miss what we had, but we all have our own experiences, truth somewhere in the middle, it's about not communicating properly and seeing warning signs and sorting things out before everything goes pear shaped. I've listened to both sides and at times thought, that was below the belt or confrontational and understood where it coukd cause problems. If only I could have seen my own,

She popped round last night and one of the things I told her Whiff was to give her grief free reign. That it doesn't matter when, where and how it's expressed as long as she lets it out because to hold it in is the worse thing she could do.

It's the same advice we give to the newly estranged isn't it, listen to your body and whatever your body needs for example endless sleep, then that's what you must do.

Will be thinking of you on Tuesday and if you don't mind, I'll pray for you too. Your daily courage and bravery because of your illness is so inspiring and the friendship and support here isn't just for our estrangements, it's for every aspect of our lives because we are not just about and/or defined by it. Being estranged is just one part of who we are.

Lovely OP on your thread Justbe. If anyone's affronted by it, that says more about them then you for starting it and those who may benefit from it.

It does get tiresome Allsorts. I see EP's supporting EAC and vise versa as it should be because no one deserves to have their experience invalidated.

It's so difficult when you lose someone - I'm always worried about appearing constantly miserable, so put a front on.

People get quickly bored with grief.

But, I landed up in hospital last week (Asthma), and the medics think grief is making it worse, so I've got to find a way.

Curiously, the only person I can unload to and cry all over, is my SIL. We've always had a good relationship, but never really a serious one - I think it's took the pair of us by surprise. Partly I think it's because DD is so stressed over Miss D and the baby that I don't want to add to it.

Anyway, I guess we all find a way, however we do it. I hope your neighbour finds her way. The pain of grief is exhausting.

DD is going to see her dad today, I just hope he turns up at the restaurant. He's got form for letting her down.

I don't know. This year is going from bad to worse at times.

Miss D was sentenced to a years imprisonment, suspended for 3 years, a 3 year restraining order from contacting my GS, or the rest of us, other than through SSD, a compensation order, and some community service.

I think SSD are trying to sort out a mother and baby unit for her and the baby.

The restraining order is having little effect - she's still bombarding us all with messages.🙄

Anyway, hope everyone has a nice day.💐

Whiff - good luck with your tribunal.

Smiles - I hope the funeral isn’t too difficult for you and Mr S. will be thinking of you.
Whiff - really hope you’re able to give an up to date representation of how things are for you, and that they’ll listen carefully and understand.
DL - that’s quite a sentence for Miss D. Not sure how a mother and baby unit will work going forwards, but it sounds as though she’s already broken part of the court’s ruling.
Allsorts - agree with every word you said! I think there is a lot of projection on threads such as these, which trigger folk. Not all EC are like our own - and for EAC, not all EP are the same as those you grew up with. We’re all hurting here. Surely we can be more compassionate to each other….?
Smiles and co set up this thread for all who have been estranged, parents and children. It’s helpful to hear the perspective from the ‘other side’ at times, but I hope we can do so gently without assuming any on here are villains.