Letter to my mother

That's good to know Rachel.

Sometimes, it can also be about the estranger of course it can DL having nothing to do with the parent they've estranged as you know all to well from your DH's situation.

As you say, we all do things differently. What's right for one wont be right for another and I think when you can say you have no regrets, don't mull over the past and have had a basically happy life, clearly the decisions you've taken were the right ones for you.

We watched that too Allsorts and being reminded of what went on in the Magdellan Homes was very upsetting. Those poor young women and I think their families too, who'd have had no idea what was really going on there.

If something bad happens, which it does, don't let it break you, you can never really come to terms with rejection or abuse but you must try wise words .

Smileless2012

Oh yes I agree that religion can be an abusive experience. We only have to look at what's happened with the Catholic church to know that that's the case.

My only experience of Buddhism was in hospital years ago. One of the ladies on our ward was a Buddhist and she seemed to exude peace and tranquillity, an experience I've never forgotten.

I don't know what you mean by that Rachel and I hope it wasn't intended for any of the EP's who have posted here. It would be rather cruel if it was.

No, just an observation generally. I have no intention of adding to anyone’s heartbreak

Diamondlil, that's all to your credit and despite all your recent heartbreak, there is no bitterness or self pity. Something we should all strive for, for our own well being.
Smileless, Bad things have been done under the cloak of religion, you only have to watch the TV drama, The Woman In The Wall, based on the atrocities in the Magdellan Homes by the nuns and priests, on decent innocent girls and their babies. . More than 50% of world renowned scientists believe in a supreme diety, the basis of which is, Do unto others. I know atheists who think the same so its not exclusive to religion, but it's almost a rule for life. If something bad happens, which it does, don't let it break you, you can never really come to terms with rejection or abuse but you must try as if you don't you remain a victim.

Rachel75

Sometimes it’s hard to see how people become estranged - and sometimes it really isn’t….

Sometimes, it can also be about the estranger.

For certain reasons, I chose not to estrange my mother - even though I had, probably, every justification to do so.

I'm truly glad I didn't - she turned out to be the best Nan I could have chosen, and my kids adored her until the day she died.

I learned how to deflect her, I never changed how I felt towards her, but, equally, no one knew really. My kids still don't know, and they never will.

I don't regret a thing. I don't mull over the past, I give it very little thought. I've lived a basically happy life, with blips along the way. I'm not too cheerful at the moment, but that's for a different reason.

We all do it differently. 🙂

Rachel75

Sometimes it’s hard to see how people become estranged - and sometimes it really isn’t….

Sadly true

Oh yes I agree that religion can be an abusive experience. We only have to look at what's happened with the Catholic church to know that that's the case.

My only experience of Buddhism was in hospital years ago. One of the ladies on our ward was a Buddhist and she seemed to exude peace and tranquillity, an experience I've never forgotten.

I don't know what you mean by that Rachel and I hope it wasn't intended for any of the EP's who have posted here. It would be rather cruel if it was.

Sometimes it’s hard to see how people become estranged - and sometimes it really isn’t….

Don't worry VS, I have other outlets for support that I use very frequently. I am in group trauma therapy and individual therapy weekly and have very supportive friends and family who understand and value my perspective. I know not to expect that here necessarily. Thank you for the thought though. Truly.

Helen there is a support thread if you just want support, it may be a better place to share your thoughts as everyone works hard to keep it supportive and friendly

That's great for you.

I have been craving a sense of belonging 'spiritually' that has no relation to religion.

I see religion personally to be a tool of abuse, due to my experiences with very controlling and abusive parents. My parents used it to instill a deep and damaging sense of shame for any thoughts of feelings that went again the social norms. That's a very vulnerable place to be, and many took advantage of this.

Although I don't follow any one way of thinking in this regard, it has been fun to learn things like Paganism, Buddism, and the Satanic Temple for example. Both of which were very different than what I expected. I never truly believed the things my mom taught me about other people using religion but it's nice not to have that influence around anymore.

Stepping out of that box I was placed in was very liberating. Religion was not an abusive experience for everyone I'm sure, but it's very dangerous.

Coincidentally, I'm reading a book by a comedian Maria Bamford called "Sure, I'll Join Your Cult". It's dark humor for sure, so proceed with caution to anyone who tries it. It's a very mental health theme heavy book too.

But I don't want a thread to be about me, and wouldn't expect to have one on an open forum.

Our estrangement led me to question my faith but I did manage to keep hold of it and that gave me strength and comfort.

I'm sorry it was unable to do the same for you helenwaspushed.

One of the key triggers for my no contact choice was my rejection of religion. I felt like I was supposed to find comfort in religion but I never did. I felt wrong.

I have a different kind of book recommendation that helped me think about my own spirituality differently. And to help me accept what's happened so far and what will happen. I'm like 25% of the way there, but I listened to "wherever you go, there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn on Audible and found it so relaxing.

If you like mindfulness or meditation it might be of benefit.

Literally any other thread could be about you if you wanted.

This one is not about you.

I don't understand where there are similarities which there are, why it's inappropriate to say so or why anyone would choose to post on a public forum something "specifically written by and for abused EAC" and expect only EAC who were abused to respond. So bizarre.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I am finding exactly what I want from this and I hope you are too.

those within that age bracket are unlikely to have also experienced estrangement from the perspective of being estranged by their AC

It's not about your perspective, strangely enough.

eddiecat78

I do wonder why you chose Gransnet for your posts. You must be aware that is mainly an older audience who are more likely to be affected by being estranged by their children, than still be coming to terms with abusive parents. Perhaps I am wrong but I have the impression you are closer in age to the Mumsnet audience - if so you are more likely to find people that are sympathetic to your situation there

I wonder as well. Because of age demographics, those on MN are liable to be much more sympathetic to those that have estranged their parents.

On here, it is mainly those of an age to be grandparents - they are not really the ideal target audience for sympathy.

Obviously, on open forums, anyone can post anything (subject to site rules). But, in return, anyone can post the response they want to (again, subject to site rules).

I don't understand why anyone thinks it's appropriate to compare the EP experience to the experience of the one who estranged an EP for their abusive behavior. Right on this thread specifically written by and for abused EACs. So bizarre.

Yes it is bizarre eddiecat the OP was dismissive of anyone who may not be in agreement or have an alternative point of view, but this is a public forum not a private chat room.

We know you are speaking of your trauma helenwaspushed and some EP's are speaking of their experiences and also pointing out similarities between the two.

Yes you are free to reject contrary opinions but not to suggest that any you choose to reject are untrue. Dismiss them if you wish but don't invalidate them; no one has invalidated yours have they.

Allsorts you only want those that agree with you and talk about your trauma an unrealistic 'ask' on an open forum and refusing to engage is often a tactic to silence others. Twisting what has been said is another way of deterring others from contributing and creates an unnecessarily hostile atmosphere.

That is an interesting statistic but those within that age bracket are unlikely to have also experienced estrangement from the perspective of being estranged by their AC. The vast majority of those on GN however, will be old enough to have estranged and/or be estranged.

Yes, I get validation from it too VS. That's why I'm posting here, and why I'm trying to protect the space for others like me who often had no voice. And may still have no voice.

I feel safe and at peace enough to put myself in this vulnerable position.

I feel very at peace, these threads offer quite a lot of validation for me and that is the most honest answer I have

Why do you still post here Allsorts?

I did not post for any reason but to find out why after estranging there was no peace for any of you. I was completely genuine, but you chose to twist my words, bitterness gets you no where, you only want those that agree with you and talk about your trauma, that’s a hard call for those around you.

I am not here for contrary opinions. You are free to give them, and I am free to reject them. My choice is made, and it isn't changeable. I am here speaking about my trauma.

I am not trying to be hurtful. I am protecting the space I've created. Please don't engage with me if you find me upsetting. I won't apologize for taking up this space in an open forum with many warnings of the contents and my intentions.

Take it or leave it.

I think we've all got the message now. For some bizarre reason you have chosen to post on a public forum but only want to talk about yourself and will only engage with people who agree with you without question. It's not a sustainable way to live but that's up to you.
And don't "thank me for my opinion", it's very patronising