Letter to my mother

Thanks for sharing that VS! All children are lovable. All people, adults and children, deserve unconditional love from their parents. Such an important message.

My mom's opinion of me was so wrapped up in what I could do for her in that moment. Undoing that damage is a life long project, especially when the person who did it will not change. I had to learn as an adult how to communicate my needs, receive affection, regulate my emotions without shoving them down, etc.

I have no idea how I got so far in my life and education when I practically raised myself. I have one brother who looked out for me but he (rightfully) moved hundreds of miles away the day he turned 18. My other brother was a live-in bully and is now my replacement iny moms life. He's so much less patient than I was though, so I'm sure it's not going well.

Now she's feeling the downside of relying on me so much. To be fair, it has been all downside for me.

I saw this and thought it belonged here

No matter what sort of child we were, we were lovable

For those seeking healing in this thread, I wanted to share some of my go-to coping skills that I use for distressing emotions and bad mental health days. Some of these I learned from therapy and others are things that I've tried on my own. As we all know, estrangement is upsetting for everyone involved. If you have any go to techniques for self-care and coping, feel free to share.

1. Write and keep a list of 5 very low effort things you can do when you're feeling very down. For example, you might switch what room you're in, wash your face, brush your teeth, take some deep breaths, etc. Have the list ready and accessible for when you're feeling stuck. This can be really helpful for temporary relief from depression symptoms.

2. When I feel a lot of pent up emotions that I can't express, I do something call free-writing. Essentially I get a notebook and start writing whatever comes to mind. It could be random words or other nonsense. Keep writing for 10 minutes. Usually after a minute or two I start to write about what's bothering me. It's very helpful for processing things.

3. If you're feeling disconnected from your body or the present, try dunking your face into a bowl of ice water for a few minutes (obviously taking breaks to breathe). This feels like a hard reset for my brain and you may get a similar benefit. If that seems too extreme, try having a sour hard candy and focusing in on the taste of it. That may have a similar effect.

4. If you're feeling anxiety, try box breathing. You breathe in for a count of four, hold for four, breathe out for four, hold for four. Repeat this until you feel calmer. While you breath try to focus your attention on how your breath feels moving in and out of your lungs.

I love that this forum is full of validation that I made the right decision. I hope other EACs find some clarity just by observing the dynamics here.

I will always be here to offer what support I can to those going through estrangement

I feel very close to the person I would have been had I had a good mother after a lot of hard work but life is a learning journey

An awful dilemma for anyone to find themselves in, and he's so young DL.

It's interesting to hear other people tell me or others that I should stop talking about these topics and move on. I'm not replying to anyone in particular but since this thread is revived I will put it here for the EAC my thread is written for.

When my parents had a child, they had a duty to that child to love unconditionally and protect them from harm. On top of that, it was my mom's job to teach me self-love and respect. Instead, she hated herself and so she taught me to hate myself. As a teenage girl I had an abusive boyfriend but my mom said and did nothing. The way he treated me is what she thinks is normal. Deep negative beliefs about myself were drilled into my mind for decades before I got away by establishing no contact. I would have gone my entire life allowing the abuse to continue either with her or with someone else.

I have moved on from my lack of a relationship with my mother, but my body and mind are still working on it. The treatment I received from my parents damaged me, stunted my brain development, and set me up to fail on life. Fighting back against that is difficult and takes years. I'm incredibly proud of what I've accomplished despite her failure as a mother. She and my father are responsible for my pain when I was a kid, and even now.

Like I said, not speaking to anyone. Just sharing my experience on the thread I started for myself and other EAC.

So I will be talking about this until I feel like I want to stop. I'm not the type to be chased off by strangers (for more than a short break) on an internet forum.

Allsorts

Why all the procrastinating when you’ve made a decision? It’s a puzzle.
DL I agree with you, What can’t be cured, let it be and carry on. Hope your grandson is ok he has such a lot on his shoulders for one so young because of that woman.

Well, he's struggling and becoming a pain at times. I can't blame him, but he's not helping.

Dear, oh dear, this year is one bout of stress after another.

Still, we have to press on.🙂

Why all the procrastinating when you’ve made a decision? It’s a puzzle.
DL I agree with you, What can’t be cured, let it be and carry on. Hope your grandson is ok he has such a lot on his shoulders for one so young because of that woman.

Helenwaspushed

DiamondLily,

I don't disagree with any of that. I also don't think my mom's story or perspective has to do with me or my choices anymore. I am representing myself rather than trying to be impartial. I accept that we have different perceptions of what happened because I'm not longer trying to change what she thinks.

What I experienced is the truth of what happened as far as I'm concerned. It's a choice that I made in the healing process to believe myself and my own recollection as fact. In the greater scheme of things it isn't that black and white, but I've chosen my own side.

Which everyone has to. My own mother was difficult (to say the least), and I chose how I wanted to deal with it.

I know what I remember, it I (personally) didn't see the point in rehashing a past that couldn't be changed. Wasted energy in my view.

We deal with the cards life has dealt us. 🙂

Daughter Detox is on my list! Thanks for the reminder.

I'm only just at a place where the red flag behaviors are obvious. I think I've really understood it and then I just end up learning more. It's exhausting to put so much work into myself and my own thoughts and behaviors. Some people won't change, and will continue to believe whatever is most comfortable. It's maddening to watch but all I can do is share my experience and hope the right people see it.

It is hard to see our parents refusing to acknowledge the pain that we experienced when we were supposed to be protected by them. Reading these books and realizing there's nothing we could have done to be loved by them is heartbreaking and liberating. Every child deserves unconditional love from the parents that brought them into the world. I deserved that.

Very mixed feelings.

All that to say that real healing feels terrible but is worth the effort. They certainly won't make the effort for us.

Peg Streep is wonderful and worth a follow, books and social media

I have read the Danu Morrigan one and it is very good

Your Body Keeps the Score is also incredibly interesting

There are a few books that have helped me to heal, and I want to share names of a few of them here. All of these deal with problematic and abusive relationships with mothers, so keep the intended audience in mind. I'm hoping that the adult children who need this will find the list. These books are so validating and helped me find comfort and confidence in my decisions.

Discovering The Inner Mother by Bethany Webster: About generational trauma, mother-daughter relationships (from the perspective of the daughter), and learning to parent your own inner child so you can heal.

What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo: CPSTD, abusive parents, neuroscience behind trauma during development, etc. This one really helped me accept my own experiences as real, and understand the effects it has had on me as an adult. This was one of the more difficult ones to read, especially at the beginning. So tread with caution.

I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy: About an American child tv star and her enmeshed relationship with her narcissistic mother. This is more of an autobiography of her life. It's raw and real but again, not an easy read if you're triggered easily.

Unbroken: The Trauma Response is Never Wrong by Mary Catherine McDonald PhD. This is another one that is great for validating your own experiences, especially when others are telling you they didn't happen. It helped me listen to my body and mind more and really understand the physical consequences of trauma during development.

You're Not Crazy, It's Your Mother by Danu Morrigan: I'm still working on this one. The title reflects the authors style well. It is not written to be delicate or "fair" to the mother. It focuses specifically on narcissistic mothers so if that doesn't apply to you it may feel too harsh. If the title upsets you, definitely skip it for now. So far I've learned a lot about how narcissistic mothers think and how to tell when a behavior is narcissistic or just problematic. There is also a great descriptions of the different options like low and no contact and how to create and maintain healthy boundaries.

Helenwaspushed

To be clear, I'm not implying anyone is questioning my truth because I don't feel that way.

I'm just saying that the outside/third party/unbiased view isn't what I'm after in my own life. It used to be but I had to make a choice.

No, I certainly wouldn't question anyone's truth - no matter who they are.

Families often have problems, and the only ones that understand it all are members of that family.

We all make decisions through life, and we all have to stand by them.🙂

To be clear, I'm not implying anyone is questioning my truth because I don't feel that way.

I'm just saying that the outside/third party/unbiased view isn't what I'm after in my own life. It used to be but I had to make a choice.

DiamondLily,

I don't disagree with any of that. I also don't think my mom's story or perspective has to do with me or my choices anymore. I am representing myself rather than trying to be impartial. I accept that we have different perceptions of what happened because I'm not longer trying to change what she thinks.

What I experienced is the truth of what happened as far as I'm concerned. It's a choice that I made in the healing process to believe myself and my own recollection as fact. In the greater scheme of things it isn't that black and white, but I've chosen my own side.

Yes we do DL.

Helenwaspushed

Thank you Allsorts.

DiamondLily, I might have missed where someone said this, but I don't believe it is restricted by age either. Every abusive mother was a daughter once. Abusive behavior and the health consequences is also passed down through generations often. It's quite sad.

I think sometimes, on here, there seems to be a perception, that GPs are always hiding from the truth.

There can be abusers in each generation - we all have a back story.🙂

The cycle of abuse. Takes a great deal of courage and strength of character to break it.

Thank you Allsorts.

DiamondLily, I might have missed where someone said this, but I don't believe it is restricted by age either. Every abusive mother was a daughter once. Abusive behavior and the health consequences is also passed down through generations often. It's quite sad.

Autism and ADHD are for a lot of people too challenging to deal with. Sad but true. It sounds as if you have made absolutely the right decision Helen and good you have loving and supportive people around you.

There are plenty of so called "broken/damaged people" about of all ages.

They live in a fantasy bubble of their own making. Lies, fantasy situations and deceit carries them forwards.

I'm currently, unfortunately, involved with two - one my age, and one, who is a young woman. Thankfully, I'm not actually related to the young woman.🙄

It's not an age related problem.

On forums like this, I suppose the best way is to accept that everyone has a back story, and not try to argue about it.🙂

They are incredibly broken people, who abuse their own children and prefer to create a reality where they are wonderful and didn't

The choice to heal was always theirs and they could have made that choice at any time

Wow, that sounds awful VioletSky. I'm sorry you and your mother's friend were ambushed that way. It was an attempt at gaining control over you again and I'm glad it didn't work (I'm assuming).

Working to have empathy and understanding for my mother's circumstances has helped me realize that she will never grow in the way I needed her too. Her perception of me is frozen in time. I will always be her pre-teen daughter. Her understanding of me will not progress beyond it.

It's comforting to accept that she has her own reality that I can't control. I'm just not willing to live in it.

Helenwaspushed I read those letters and emails for way longer than I should have done hoping for some sort of change.

It really is so freeing when you reach acceptance that nothing new would be forthcoming

I had a horrible situation recently where she sent a friend with a note to my doorstep. She has lost that friend now because they really didn't know what had been asked of them and they were horrified they were used that way