My greatest wish is to see my granddaughter whom I still love despite everything.

Smileless2012

Did I say I was speaking for everyone her VS? No. I said what I think just as you did. Are you speaking for everyone here then?

I clarified some of us, you did not clarify

My morals and values are different but I don't understand the need to argue against them...

An apology that might regain trust is never a negative

The only time I would say an apology shouldn't be given is when someone is gaslighting you... But then no reply need to be given an abusive person

Did I say I was speaking for everyone her VS? No. I said what I think just as you did. Are you speaking for everyone here then?

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I don't think it has anything to do with whether or not some people find it easy to apologise. In order to apologise you need to know that you have something to apologise for.

Sometimes it's obvious because you can tell immediately by someone's reaction that what you've just said or done has hurt them. If that isn't the case the one whose been hurt would say so or someone else may tell you but in either case, you don't say 'you've hurt/upset me/'another' and not say why or how.

I think some people just find apologising easy, knowing someone is hurt is enough for me.

Even if I don't know why they are hurt, I will apologize sincerely that I hurt them.

Wanting to know why someone is hurt before apologising is usually because people might not agree with their reason for being hurt. So the other person will remain hurt and the relationship will have permanently lost trust because people who don't agree with our feelings are untrustworthy and will be given less of our feelings in future

You can be sorry about what’s happened, with no need to apologise fir something you don’t know about.
Sending a suitable card reduces the need to fill a page.
Keep it short and sweet.
Or wait to hear from your gd. but that may take a while.

Agreed DL.

NotSpaghetti

^To say "I'm sorry, but I don't know what for" is silly, in my view.^ - I agree, diamondlily - and I think that is exactly the language that will make things worse as it sounds like apportioning blame to the other person.

I would want to stress the importance of the other person to me above what has gone before.

As welbeck says:
^i don't know what i have done wrong
sounds like the beginning of a row
rather than an apology.^

If someone thinks they have been wronged, then they should know why they feel that.

If that's justified, then apologised- sincerely. And mean it.

It's not apportioning blame to anyone - it's just asking what has upset them.

If they don't/won't say, then, sorry, I'm not apologising unless I know why and what for.

An insincere apology means nothing.🙄

pinkprincess, my reaction would be to sit down and write her a letter, apologising and telling her that you miss her and love her. Say that you look forward to seeing her in the future. I'd give that letter to her mother, explaining the misunderstanding, to pass on to her.

It will then be up to her if/when she'll contact you. I'm pretty sure that she will. It's best to meet people half way whenever you can.

I would let it be for now. How on earth can anyone apoligise if they dont know what they have done and with her history of substance abuse she might not know herself.

To say "I'm sorry, but I don't know what for" is silly, in my view. - I agree, diamondlily - and I think that is exactly the language that will make things worse as it sounds like apportioning blame to the other person.

I would want to stress the importance of the other person to me above what has gone before.

As welbeck says:
^i don't know what i have done wrong
sounds like the beginning of a row
rather than an apology.^

Thankyou all again I will certainly take your advice 25 Avalon

Of course the OP would like her relationship back, and none of the advice that's been given should prevent that.

And I hope she gets it. 🙂

You guys do thing differently but OP would like her relationship back

NotSpaghetti

^when the time is right^ I would still apologise.
You don't have to entirely understand what you have done wrong to apologise.

I apologise for upsetting people inadvertently. I may not know exactly what upset them but I hope that by acknowledgement of their distress I show I care for them.

I would not say "I don't know what I've done wrong" because that is easy to read as defensive rather than open.

It's straightforward to say I love you and never meant to hurt you and am deeply sorry that I have done this. And then, as Violet says, say I am here for you whenever/if ever you are ready /want.

Do not raise any issues. Just be sincerely sorry.

I don't think you are right DiamondLily.

I wouldn't be apologising unless I knew what I was apologising for - it gets ridiculous apologising for an unknown.

I expect if we really look at how we have behaved and what we said we can get at least an inkling - but to be free and open with our apologies (and concern for others) can't do any harm.

If I know what I am apologising for, I'm happy to apologise.

To say "I'm sorry, but I don't know what for" is silly, in my view. It would be insincere, if you don't know the reason.

If someone wants an apology, then they must know why and what for.

"a smooth word turneth away wrath"

Why, if you generally don't know? It isn't supposed to be an apology is it, it gives the one whose been wronged to say in what way.

i don't know what i have done wrong
sounds like the beginning of a row
rather than an apology.

NotSpaghetti yes, we don't need to know why someone is upset to recognise that they are. Sometimes "I am so sorry I upset you" is a good way to start a conversation about how to avoid that happening again. It immediately helps the other person relax and feel happier.

I think it is always good to have boundaries in relationships and make sure to avoid topics people don't agree on or find upsetting to discuss

When you speak to the rest of the family, ask how she is, and tell them grandma sends her love and will they pass it on. Contact is then up to gd but she will know you care. The idea being to maintain a link however tenuous without being in any way pushy so that she has control.

I also apologise if I inadvertently upset someone but you still need to know what's caused the upset so you know what you're apologising for and know what to avoid doing or saying in the future.

I don't see anything wrong with saying you don't know what you've done wrong, if you don't. If someone's upset enough to refuse to speak to you then surely they'll say why.

when the time is right I would still apologise.
You don't have to entirely understand what you have done wrong to apologise.

I apologise for upsetting people inadvertently. I may not know exactly what upset them but I hope that by acknowledgement of their distress I show I care for them.

I would not say "I don't know what I've done wrong" because that is easy to read as defensive rather than open.

It's straightforward to say I love you and never meant to hurt you and am deeply sorry that I have done this. And then, as Violet says, say I am here for you whenever/if ever you are ready /want.

Do not raise any issues. Just be sincerely sorry.

I don't think you are right DiamondLily.

I wouldn't be apologising unless I knew what I was apologising for - it gets ridiculous apologising for an unknown.

I expect if we really look at how we have behaved and what we said we can get at least an inkling - but to be free and open with our apologies (and concern for others) can't do any harm.

Usually time for everyone to be calm is a good thing, hope things improve soon

I think your idea of giving it some time is a great idea. Sometimes we need space for things to settle. Your posts give the impression that you recognize where you may have misstepped. That’s a start. As others have said, you can reach out via letter when the dust settles. Never give up hope!