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My greatest wish is to see my granddaughter whom I still love despite everything.

(71 Posts)
pinkprincess Sat 26-Aug-23 22:00:09

One of my granddaughters has gone NC with me.I will not give the details on here as it would ''out''me.
We had a misunderstanding last week and now she says she hates me and does not want to speak to or see me again.
My heart is broken completely, especially since she has blocked her phone number from me and refuses to tell me her address
She is living alone, her mother and siblings will know where but I do not want to ask them as I know it would break her trust in them if they told me.
I love her very much and have done a lot for her.
Just know never to take anything for granted as it can be lost very easily.

crazyH Sat 26-Aug-23 22:29:27

I cannot imagine what you are going through. I have 6 GC, two of who, are 21 and 20 years old. I have come very near to upsetting them, with my thoughtless remarks. But, fortunately they let it go over their head. Sometimes, I feel like crying when I think of something I have inadvertently said although I try to reassure myself that it is for their own good. Doesn’t work like that - we have to be careful with our words. I hope things will work out for you and your GC. As a matter of fact, I’m sure they will flowers

Kate1949 Sat 26-Aug-23 22:42:53

Oh how sad. How old is she? She may think better of it as time goes on. Hopefully.

Smileless2012 Sat 26-Aug-23 22:43:48

I'm so very sorry pinkprincess but try not to despair. It may not be as bad as you fear and when she calms down hopefully she'll see that whatever the misunderstanding was about, the relationship you have is far more important.

Where there is love, there is hopeflowers.

pinkprincess Sat 26-Aug-23 22:44:29

Thankyou CrazyH.

Vintagewhine Sun 27-Aug-23 08:18:16

If she's in touch with her parents or other members of the family why not write a letter of apology and ask them to give it to her. Just say there's been a misunderstanding which you want to put right. I hope it calms down and she gets back to you.

DiamondLily Sun 27-Aug-23 08:26:18

She seems to be using very strong words (hate) over a "misunderstanding".

I suggest, as you know the facts, that you write a carefully thought out letter to her, sent c/o her parents, to be forwarded to her.

If you owe her an apology, then give it freely - but only you know if you do or not.

Best wishes. 💐

pinkprincess Sun 27-Aug-23 21:50:20

Thanks all of you for your kind words.
I cannot divulge more of my family details as people on here may know who I am.
My granddaughter has a history of substance abuse, although she is off all drugs now it has caused long term side effects in her behaviour. She is known to have given verbal abuse to family and friends before but this is the first for a long time.She also has frequent mood swings, like in this instance.She and I were on a day out together, we were chatting to each other quite normally.I suddenly felt her mood change and she became very aggressive.
I am not saying anymore about the situation on here.My love for her has not changed, I just want for her to snap out f it and speak to me again.
I am quite prepared to admit to her I did a wrong, but she will not contact me or say where she is living.
Thanking you all again.

silverlining48 Sun 27-Aug-23 22:58:13

It’s early days if this only happened last week. All is not lost and hopefully this won’t be permanent. You don’t need to know where she lives right now but just need to sort this out. She may need time she is clearly upset.
Writing a letter c/o her parents might be a start.
Good luck

Hithere Sun 27-Aug-23 23:17:27

It is a great thing that you are aware of the reason and what went wrong

Write an apology letter with no requests from your side may help

Good luck!

MercuryQueen Mon 28-Aug-23 07:48:43

I’m a bit confused as to why where she’s living is a focus.

I’d bide your time, and not involve others, even to pass along a message. She’s asked you not to contact her, it’s best to respect that, rather than push and cause more damage. She’ll contact you when she’s ready.

Vintagewhine Mon 28-Aug-23 08:04:26

Substance abuse I often used to self medicate mental health issues so she may be struggling again. Sometimes people with mental health issues push people away because they want proof that people really care for them and love them. Id try to make contact by letter via anyone who is in contact with her in as loving and generous way as possible. You lose nothing by trying to contact her.

Vintagewhine Mon 28-Aug-23 08:04:58

Is often used.

NotSpaghetti Mon 28-Aug-23 08:15:29

I would probably write.
I would ask the family member to post it though rather than hand it over.

VioletSky Mon 28-Aug-23 11:32:38

I would send/ have passed on one letter and this letter would be focused on whatever I said only... nothing about whatever she may have said or done

The letter would contain a sincere apology, no ifs or buts

The letter would contain how much I love her

The letter would contain, that I would respect her need for no contact and be here when she is ready.

When she was ready I would be having a conversation about boundaries (things we do not do or say to each other in future) and sticking to it

Really hope things work out for you

VioletSky Mon 28-Aug-23 11:42:52

Also just to add

Don't mention things you have done for her, that will feel to her that your relationship is transactional and you expect a return for giving

Don't mention her past drug use. People deserve to move past their previous lives when they were in a bad place. People are defined by what they overcome not the worst of themselves

Theexwife Mon 28-Aug-23 11:46:30

It’s early days, don't give up hope. I would not try to contact her as she may still be angry, let her come to you when she has calmed down.

If you have always been close then one disagreement will not wipe all of that out.

I hope she contacts you soon.

DiamondLily Mon 28-Aug-23 12:53:00

I wouldn't be apologising unless I knew what I was apologising for - it gets ridiculous apologising for an unknown.

Drug misuse can bring long term problems, even when drugs are not still being taken.

Hopefully, she will change her stance.

I would send a letter - neither apologising (unless you know what for), nor mentioning the drugs, just a loving, thoughtful letter.

Smileless2012 Mon 28-Aug-23 13:07:44

I agree DL. If you know there's something you need to apologise for than do so pinkprincess. Although she's not done so for a while, you say there's a history of her verbally abusing family and friends so there's every chance she'll calm down and contact you.

A loving and thoughtful letter as DL's suggested may help with of course no mention of this or earlier incidents.

lemsip Mon 28-Aug-23 18:01:30

this happens occasionally with one of my grandchildren, young adult.. after silence and me worrying for about a week I send a pm via facebook just saying 'hope you're okay' it usually results in a reply and a visit.... not mentioning the issue again

pinkprincess Mon 28-Aug-23 20:27:07

Thankyou all for responses
I am going to let it lie for a while ad see what happens.

Despite how I feel life has to go on.

lyleLyle Mon 28-Aug-23 20:55:43

I think your idea of giving it some time is a great idea. Sometimes we need space for things to settle. Your posts give the impression that you recognize where you may have misstepped. That’s a start. As others have said, you can reach out via letter when the dust settles. Never give up hope!

VioletSky Mon 28-Aug-23 22:27:18

Usually time for everyone to be calm is a good thing, hope things improve soon

NotSpaghetti Tue 29-Aug-23 11:26:29

when the time is right I would still apologise.
You don't have to entirely understand what you have done wrong to apologise.

I apologise for upsetting people inadvertently. I may not know exactly what upset them but I hope that by acknowledgement of their distress I show I care for them.

I would not say "I don't know what I've done wrong" because that is easy to read as defensive rather than open.

It's straightforward to say I love you and never meant to hurt you and am deeply sorry that I have done this. And then, as Violet says, say I am here for you whenever/if ever you are ready /want.

Do not raise any issues. Just be sincerely sorry.

I don't think you are right DiamondLily.

I wouldn't be apologising unless I knew what I was apologising for - it gets ridiculous apologising for an unknown.

I expect if we really look at how we have behaved and what we said we can get at least an inkling - but to be free and open with our apologies (and concern for others) can't do any harm.

Smileless2012 Tue 29-Aug-23 11:31:13

hmm I also apologise if I inadvertently upset someone but you still need to know what's caused the upset so you know what you're apologising for and know what to avoid doing or saying in the future.

I don't see anything wrong with saying you don't know what you've done wrong, if you don't. If someone's upset enough to refuse to speak to you then surely they'll say why.