Suddenly estranged and heartbroken 💔

No my DD is 36 and I’m the GM… not an older mom. No GK of her own. She definitely has post partum and she thinks much of the anxiety that but she’s always had issues. Before the baby. I’d love to see her on meds but because of her breastfeeding that’s not gonna happen

Bluebell and Chestnut,

Thank you for your words of wisdom. Yes I will take that approach and calmly approach in like a week. Loved what you both said. Cheers

I can't see why the child would panic about being locked in the car and left there for an hour, unless it has happened before? Or it's been threatened? As a punishment maybe? 😕

Sorry for my misunderstanding Mychyg.

This was the sentence I picked up on (my italics):

She has also essentially told her own husband many times he’s a monster for his transgressions and has been very critical to one of her granddaughters who has ADD.

Just another thought ... what mum of a 3 month old has the time/energy to homeschool 2 seven year olds? Do they get chance to socialise with others in their age group? Possibly not as mum doesn’t drive. No wonder that little girl was so upset missing half of her ballet lesson (though not your fault it was a GPS one off) it might have been her only interaction away from family ALL WEEK!

V3ra that was my first thought. That the children had been locked in the car and left alone before by their mom . Hence they where so frightened it was happening again.

Certainly ‘one up’ from the norty step. If true that’s very concerning.

Nope I can assure everyone here that has never happened. My daughter is over the top protective and watches them like a hawk. She is actually a great teacher and they kids also have many fiends in her group that are HS. They are happy but things like always washing hands and sometimes she seems like she can’t deal with the kids when they acting like kids lol. She also does things for her that she can do herself with a little encouragement such as getting dressed and my daughter also has always worried about things being much worse than they are in general. Which is why she invests in “what if this happens” mentality, which is where I believe the kids get it from

One of the problems in forums like this is that, other people are going to speak badly of your daughter...

It can be hard to hear when you genuinely want to help her and heal the relationship

It might be better to get yourself some counselling or confide in a friend

You’re now going 180° and your daughter sounds like a wonderful mum after all. Hmm.

I think she wants genuine help Urmstongran not people speaking badly of her daughter...

Granted some people want that when they come to estrangement but it isn't actually healthy

I am so sorry you have had this experience. It doesn't seem fair but as the mum I am afraid it's par for the course
All the things which happened sound like a catalogue of tick boxes for a situation bound to come to a head.
Twins
New baby
Anxiety issues
Hormones

DD probably has unreasonable expectations of motherhood and takes her frustrations out on you.

If I were you I would lay low for a while. Don't argue with her she will be irrational but she will come round.
I feel sure she loves you and appreciates you but is currently unable to show it.
It will get better!

VS I think if you re-read the OP you’ll find she did much criticising of her daughter! Now she’s had time apart for (? 3 days) she’s mollified and more accepting of those faults - snapping at her husband for one example, calling her ‘scum’ by test for another - and is now more accepting of her in general. As I said, a 180° volte face.

People say things they don't mean in anger, fear or frustration

You’re right of course VS.

Agree with Gramereto. It is such a shame for those children, all those anxieties projected on to them is unfair and your daughter needs professional help, she shouldn't be home schooling for a start, they are with her 24/7. You did nothing wrong for them to react in such a way after 20 seconds clearly isn't right. What on earth has happened go out that idea in their heads. How bad must it get before something thing snaps. I would take a weeks break and hope things settle, but the situation needs talking about, if she won't what shout her husband, he must be living on a knifes edge.

Urmstongran

You’re right of course VS.

please believe I am not saying that is right or healthy but sometimes it is a moment and it is worth trying to look past...if it is more than a moment, it becomes apparent over time

Hi I've just joined, mainly to find answers and also some sort of support, I have three daughters ,two live close by however I have one daughter who left twelve years ago taking our two Grandsons who we basically had all the time so we were very attached my daughter was a young mum and her now Husband was young too , my daughter always when she was in a bad mood would say Im taking the boys away like a threat which I tried to ignore , in saying that they did move away to be closer to my son inlaws family they moved a 12 hours drive away , so knowing they couldn't afford to come down we tried to see them when we could which if we were lucky was twice a year . sometimes the visit could be good other times bad , my daughter is very up and down in her moods and has admitted it her self and has seeked help.

Twelve years later things have been pretty Good except my Mum has Alzheimer's and being the only person I have full responsibility with her care and managing home care with her. My daughter who moved away comes down once year started saying bad things about one of my other daughters saying she had a eye on my mums things and that her Husband was after things as well , if anything they have helped so much especially looking after Mums garden . We are grieving for my Mum so hearing this just makes me sick and I stick up for my other daughter .

A few months later my daughter who moved away ,she actually at this stage has had another boy who is 4 was diagnosed with learning problems like adhd and social problems however it says moderate in the report. I decided to ring my daughter to see how she was to give her support , sadly she started turning on me on a comment I made which she tried to twist, I started feeling flat all I could do was hang up , but of course I got mad and sent a message saying don't tell your disgusting lies to my Grandsons , only because she bags out their other Grandmother in the past and these boys can hear her. So she was very cruel and said I left because of you I dont want a relationship with you , and saying my youngest daughter feels the same way , which is not true she texts me 15 times a day yes we can have a tiff but back to talking in a few days , so she was basicly ripping into me with her words. I was heartbroken I was Hurt and Angry so I copied her message and sent it her sisters because at that stage I had had enough , normally I wouldn't get them involved , in saying that part of one of the messages had something about my other daughters Husband getting given something by my Mum which he shouldn't of excepted ,Hell broke loose my son in-law found out confronted my daughter who just says bad things about everybody anyway.

Because of this she has said she doesnt want to have anything to do with me and doesn't want me to see her boys and it isn't the first time she has used our grand children between me and my Husband , my other two daughters are really good . I'm looking at the whole situation with sadness not regret because I feel you have to stick up for yourself , I feel I have to stay strong some days hurt more than others but to use someone's grandchildren against them is cruel and abusive as far as I'm concerned .

How are you Mychyg? Hope things have calmed down.

Neise, It’s a great pity you send that message to your other daughters, it will result in her not having relationship with the sister whose husband she accused . I don’t know how that can be fixed I’m afraid. The daughter that moved away seems jealous of her sisters. I would reach out to her, saying her constant sniping about her sisters and threats of not letting you see her grandchildren, really upset you and you felt powerless. You acted in haste doing what you did and are sorry, you love her whatever and are always there for her if she wants to talk. You love all your grandchildren and it is hurtful to be threatened constantly with not being allowed to see them. You could visit but a twelve hour drive might result in the door not being opened or another row.
Then you wait. Hopefully there can be a way ahead.

Neisse first welcome to Gransnet
Now can you start your own thread as this is going to take away the interest and help that is being given to Michyg and unfortunately you may find you don’t get any answers but get ignored
Just message Hq and ask if they can remove your long detailed post to a thread of it’s own

Welcome to GN Neisse.

Unfortunately you are embroiled in emotional blackmail with your D and are not alone with an AC using a GP's relationship with their GC to get what they want and/or 'punish' their parent(s).

Allsorts has given good advice in terms of messaging your D and the form that message could take.

Once you've done so, wait for her to contact you. You're right that it's important you stand up for yourself and I hope that by doing so, she'll look at her own behaviour and see there's a great deal of room for improvement.

Good luck .

Thankyou, I just realized I posted on someone's else thread so new to this . will try and sort it out.

Urmstongran

Just saw your post re: homeschooling. When my parents started homeschooling my mum was teaching three children, running after two preschoolers, and was also five months pregnant with a baby who was born halfway through their first year. But we children were active in church activities, music, Guiding/Scouting, and later sports, as well as activities with other homeschooling families.

Please do not stereotype all homeschoolers as isolated and insular.

I have a daughter who has Borderline Personality Disorder and it can be really frustrating at times. Things can be very black and white. People are love bombed one minute and vehemently disliked the other. This can be very disorientating for children and this can also mean they too can be very anxious.
One thing I have learned is that me being frustrated and venting it (normally when I am surprised at what I am being accused of as well as hurt) is that it almost always triggers a period of estrangement. Getting back in communication can be difficult but I have somehow managed it but normally because I have said that I have been thinking about things and I might have been unreceptive at the time but now I think I could handled things differently so I apologise for that.
This doesn't mean I think I was wrong to do what I did but I am willing to look at things from her point of view.
My overall strategy is to keep very calm and when I get into that ever decreasing circular argument which descends into chaos, I extricate from the conversation telling her I will think about how she can be helped. 9 times out of ten the reality is that she doesn't actually want help but likes to have a good moan.
Homeschooling was also stressful for her because there were more times when she could get irritated by the child. I was quite glad when she went back into mainstream schooling.
It has taken nearly 20 years to get a diagnosis but I started reading a book called "Walking on Eggshells" and that made things much clearer in my mind about what I was trying to achieve. A relationship with my daughter is difficult and we went through a tougher time for a while after her first child was born but it has been better since I knew what I was dealing with.

icanhandthemback

I have a daughter who has Borderline Personality Disorder and it can be really frustrating at times. Things can be very black and white. People are love bombed one minute and vehemently disliked the other. This can be very disorientating for children and this can also mean they too can be very anxious.
One thing I have learned is that me being frustrated and venting it (normally when I am surprised at what I am being accused of as well as hurt) is that it almost always triggers a period of estrangement. Getting back in communication can be difficult but I have somehow managed it but normally because I have said that I have been thinking about things and I might have been unreceptive at the time but now I think I could handled things differently so I apologise for that.
This doesn't mean I think I was wrong to do what I did but I am willing to look at things from her point of view.
My overall strategy is to keep very calm and when I get into that ever decreasing circular argument which descends into chaos, I extricate from the conversation telling her I will think about how she can be helped. 9 times out of ten the reality is that she doesn't actually want help but likes to have a good moan.
Homeschooling was also stressful for her because there were more times when she could get irritated by the child. I was quite glad when she went back into mainstream schooling.
It has taken nearly 20 years to get a diagnosis but I started reading a book called "Walking on Eggshells" and that made things much clearer in my mind about what I was trying to achieve. A relationship with my daughter is difficult and we went through a tougher time for a while after her first child was born but it has been better since I knew what I was dealing with.

I think this is a really helpful post icanhandthemback So glad you feel things are in a better place now

Thank you, Madgran77.