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Estrangement

Suddenly estranged and heartbroken 💔

(54 Posts)
Michyg Sat 16-Sep-23 15:42:54

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Today 15:38 Michyg

So I’m a gramma dealing with my daughter who has 7 yr old twin girls and a new baby. She has been overwhelmed and has I believe she has BPD or catastrophic syndrome. She always sees the negative, never the bright side and is very controlling and criticizes her husband and especially one of her twins way too much. I’ve always been there for the family. Moved from NY to SC to be close 3 yrs ago with them to help out financially, babysit and be a part of their lives. I financed their SUV, and more. I’ve been there always to help. I’ve talked my daughter countless times from the ledge. She has very little patience but homeschools the girls anyhow. The baby had an early eeg because of her fear of epilepsy (runs in the family) and the first one was slightly abnormal but that was enough to cause extreme anxiety. She’s on meds which she is struggling to stop as she’s breastfeeding or pumping. Recently she asked if I would take one of them to ballet class weekly. She does not drive because she’s afraid of having a seizure (she had only 4 in her life and they last was over 10 yrs ago) I digress.

By mistake I put wrong place in the gps and the same name came up but it was somewhere else. I ended up late by 1/2 hr and although my GD was upset my daughter was beyond angry and threatened to drop her classes cause obviously I couldn’t be trusted now to do one job! I pleaded but that wasn’t the end of the debacle. I’ve never had to drive them anywhere before without the mom. I guess I was failing the test but there was more.

Her good friend was there with her daughter and we walked them to the car after class. We strapped them into the car seats in the back and before I turned on the car I stopped, leaned against my car and spoke to her for about 20 seconds. I was leaning against the car when my friends alerted me to them crying screaming in the back seat! We opened the car and they were hysterical. We calmed them down and I asked them why and one of them said you didn’t turn on the car and I thought you were gonna leave us for an hour!??! I was shocked they were this scared. We were literally right outside with me leaning on the car. They could see us and I was just saying goodbye to this woman. Nancy (my DD’s friend) actually scolded the girls at that point for scaring us telling them her kids were sitting in their car five cars away calmly. My car was unlocked also. It was 20 seconds! . That was it! Their reaction was insanely over the top! Anyhow driving back I asked why they were so scared. They said they thought I was going to leave them there??! I said that would never happen and I said they overreacted and the seemed ok after that. I called my daughter from the car so she could find out how the class went. And the twin that was more scared blurted out that I locked them in the car and didn’t turn the car on and she thought I was gonna leave them. Essentially throwing me under the bus to her already anxious mom. My daughter ripped into me but I got defensive, loudly. And it went downhill further from there. When I dropped them off, she pulled them from the car. Yes we argued in front of them and she told me I’ll never take them again, asking the kids if they feel safe around me anymore. And if they wanted to go with me again next time. Of course they said they didn’t and now she said my granddaughter who had they ballet class was crying hysterical because now she was cancelling her class cause she really wanted to go. They do not want to be around me anymore and that I ruined her life. And somehow a minor mistake turned into a catastrophe that was in their minds and my daughters. Literally aside from the mishap with directions nothing went wrong! Except the power to their fears given to them by their mom

Mind you we were very close before this. The kids have fears I’m afraid which are essentially my daughters. She has always been a perfectionist and anxiety ridden. She said it was inconsiderate to not turn on the car or give them a heads up before talking to her friend. I made a mistake with the directions but never were they in danger. I was literally leaning on the car saying goodbye to this woman! They are sweet kids but now mistrusting of me. My daughter thinks I’m scum and wants nothing to do with me now. She said the whole household says I’m nuts! Cursed me out on text later on. My beautiful grandkids were used as pawn in front of me of course siding with their borderline mom. They never should have been out in this position. I made the mistake of calling her from the car but my GD would’ve told her anyhow.

I have helped them financially, physically and have been a huge part of their life. I’ve slept over their house many times and babysat. And have been a rock for my daughter. She is very needy but maybe I’ve enabled this? Was this my fault?

She has also essentially told her own husband many times he’s a monster for his transgressions and has been very critical to one of her granddaughters who has ADD. She has now turned against me and worse had her kids turn against me instead of quelling an irrational fear of abandonment which I’m sure she’s stoked. I’m completely heartbroken. I haven’t got out of bed in 2 days. I’m crying my eyes out all the time. My bf says she’s borderline and I should not try to fix this. I keep thinking of the little one and my GD’s ballet that she loved. And now that’s over. How do I deal with this? Do I apologize to work something out? I don’t wanna see her daughter suffer. Have I ruined my relationship somehow? She told me to move away. She never wants to see me again. Although next time she need money I’m sure she’ll be calling.
She said if I wasn’t so defensive ( I was admittedly defensive) then maybe it would’ve turned out differently. She said her kids are allowed to be afraid and I should’ve validated their fears. I told them I was sorry they felt that way but it was irrational. And there was nothing to be sacred of. Now it’s all over. I’ve said nothing no texts for 2 days. What should I do??? Thanks and sorry for the long rant

Michyg Sat 16-Sep-23 18:22:20

No my DD is 36 and I’m the GM… not an older mom. No GK of her own. She definitely has post partum and she thinks much of the anxiety that but she’s always had issues. Before the baby. I’d love to see her on meds but because of her breastfeeding that’s not gonna happen

Michyg Sat 16-Sep-23 18:26:32

Bluebell and Chestnut,

Thank you for your words of wisdom. Yes I will take that approach and calmly approach in like a week. Loved what you both said. Cheers smile

V3ra Sat 16-Sep-23 18:33:44

I can't see why the child would panic about being locked in the car and left there for an hour, unless it has happened before? Or it's been threatened? As a punishment maybe? 😕

Urmstongran Sat 16-Sep-23 18:40:51

Sorry for my misunderstanding Mychyg.

This was the sentence I picked up on (my italics):

She has also essentially told her own husband many times he’s a monster for his transgressions and has been very critical to one of her granddaughters who has ADD.

Just another thought ... what mum of a 3 month old has the time/energy to homeschool 2 seven year olds? Do they get chance to socialise with others in their age group? Possibly not as mum doesn’t drive. No wonder that little girl was so upset missing half of her ballet lesson (though not your fault it was a GPS one off) it might have been her only interaction away from family ALL WEEK!

Whiff Sat 16-Sep-23 18:42:28

V3ra that was my first thought. That the children had been locked in the car and left alone before by their mom . Hence they where so frightened it was happening again.

Urmstongran Sat 16-Sep-23 18:43:58

Certainly ‘one up’ from the norty step. If true that’s very concerning.

Michyg Sat 16-Sep-23 18:55:51

Nope I can assure everyone here that has never happened. My daughter is over the top protective and watches them like a hawk. She is actually a great teacher and they kids also have many fiends in her group that are HS. They are happy but things like always washing hands and sometimes she seems like she can’t deal with the kids when they acting like kids lol. She also does things for her that she can do herself with a little encouragement such as getting dressed and my daughter also has always worried about things being much worse than they are in general. Which is why she invests in “what if this happens” mentality, which is where I believe the kids get it from

VioletSky Sat 16-Sep-23 19:09:53

One of the problems in forums like this is that, other people are going to speak badly of your daughter...

It can be hard to hear when you genuinely want to help her and heal the relationship

It might be better to get yourself some counselling or confide in a friend

Urmstongran Sat 16-Sep-23 19:10:35

You’re now going 180° and your daughter sounds like a wonderful mum after all. Hmm.

VioletSky Sat 16-Sep-23 19:14:09

I think she wants genuine help Urmstongran not people speaking badly of her daughter...

Granted some people want that when they come to estrangement but it isn't actually healthy

Grammaretto Sat 16-Sep-23 19:17:52

I am so sorry you have had this experience. It doesn't seem fair but as the mum I am afraid it's par for the course
All the things which happened sound like a catalogue of tick boxes for a situation bound to come to a head.
Twins
New baby
Anxiety issues
Hormones

DD probably has unreasonable expectations of motherhood and takes her frustrations out on you.

If I were you I would lay low for a while. Don't argue with her she will be irrational but she will come round.
I feel sure she loves you and appreciates you but is currently unable to show it.
It will get better!

Urmstongran Sat 16-Sep-23 19:25:51

VS I think if you re-read the OP you’ll find she did much criticising of her daughter! Now she’s had time apart for (? 3 days) she’s mollified and more accepting of those faults - snapping at her husband for one example, calling her ‘scum’ by test for another - and is now more accepting of her in general. As I said, a 180° volte face.

VioletSky Sat 16-Sep-23 19:27:09

People say things they don't mean in anger, fear or frustration

Urmstongran Sat 16-Sep-23 20:41:36

You’re right of course VS.

Allsorts Sat 16-Sep-23 22:42:44

Agree with Gramereto. It is such a shame for those children, all those anxieties projected on to them is unfair and your daughter needs professional help, she shouldn't be home schooling for a start, they are with her 24/7. You did nothing wrong for them to react in such a way after 20 seconds clearly isn't right. What on earth has happened go out that idea in their heads. How bad must it get before something thing snaps. I would take a weeks break and hope things settle, but the situation needs talking about, if she won't what shout her husband, he must be living on a knifes edge.

VioletSky Sun 17-Sep-23 13:57:44

Urmstongran

You’re right of course VS.

please believe I am not saying that is right or healthy but sometimes it is a moment and it is worth trying to look past...if it is more than a moment, it becomes apparent over time

Neise07 Mon 02-Oct-23 04:55:44

Hi I've just joined, mainly to find answers and also some sort of support, I have three daughters ,two live close by however I have one daughter who left twelve years ago taking our two Grandsons who we basically had all the time so we were very attached my daughter was a young mum and her now Husband was young too , my daughter always when she was in a bad mood would say Im taking the boys away like a threat which I tried to ignore , in saying that they did move away to be closer to my son inlaws family they moved a 12 hours drive away , so knowing they couldn't afford to come down we tried to see them when we could which if we were lucky was twice a year . sometimes the visit could be good other times bad , my daughter is very up and down in her moods and has admitted it her self and has seeked help.

Twelve years later things have been pretty Good except my Mum has Alzheimer's and being the only person I have full responsibility with her care and managing home care with her. My daughter who moved away comes down once year started saying bad things about one of my other daughters saying she had a eye on my mums things and that her Husband was after things as well , if anything they have helped so much especially looking after Mums garden . We are grieving for my Mum so hearing this just makes me sick and I stick up for my other daughter .

A few months later my daughter who moved away ,she actually at this stage has had another boy who is 4 was diagnosed with learning problems like adhd and social problems however it says moderate in the report. I decided to ring my daughter to see how she was to give her support , sadly she started turning on me on a comment I made which she tried to twist, I started feeling flat all I could do was hang up , but of course I got mad and sent a message saying don't tell your disgusting lies to my Grandsons , only because she bags out their other Grandmother in the past and these boys can hear her. So she was very cruel and said I left because of you I dont want a relationship with you , and saying my youngest daughter feels the same way , which is not true she texts me 15 times a day yes we can have a tiff but back to talking in a few days , so she was basicly ripping into me with her words. I was heartbroken I was Hurt and Angry so I copied her message and sent it her sisters because at that stage I had had enough , normally I wouldn't get them involved , in saying that part of one of the messages had something about my other daughters Husband getting given something by my Mum which he shouldn't of excepted ,Hell broke loose my son in-law found out confronted my daughter who just says bad things about everybody anyway.

Because of this she has said she doesnt want to have anything to do with me and doesn't want me to see her boys and it isn't the first time she has used our grand children between me and my Husband , my other two daughters are really good . I'm looking at the whole situation with sadness not regret because I feel you have to stick up for yourself , I feel I have to stay strong some days hurt more than others but to use someone's grandchildren against them is cruel and abusive as far as I'm concerned .

Allsorts Mon 02-Oct-23 06:10:43

How are you Mychyg? Hope things have calmed down.

Neise, It’s a great pity you send that message to your other daughters, it will result in her not having relationship with the sister whose husband she accused . I don’t know how that can be fixed I’m afraid. The daughter that moved away seems jealous of her sisters. I would reach out to her, saying her constant sniping about her sisters and threats of not letting you see her grandchildren, really upset you and you felt powerless. You acted in haste doing what you did and are sorry, you love her whatever and are always there for her if she wants to talk. You love all your grandchildren and it is hurtful to be threatened constantly with not being allowed to see them. You could visit but a twelve hour drive might result in the door not being opened or another row.
Then you wait. Hopefully there can be a way ahead.

BlueBelle Mon 02-Oct-23 06:14:22

Neisse first welcome to Gransnet
Now can you start your own thread as this is going to take away the interest and help that is being given to Michyg and unfortunately you may find you don’t get any answers but get ignored
Just message Hq and ask if they can remove your long detailed post to a thread of it’s own

Smileless2012 Mon 02-Oct-23 10:31:26

Welcome to GN Neisse.

Unfortunately you are embroiled in emotional blackmail with your D and are not alone with an AC using a GP's relationship with their GC to get what they want and/or 'punish' their parent(s).

Allsorts has given good advice in terms of messaging your D and the form that message could take.

Once you've done so, wait for her to contact you. You're right that it's important you stand up for yourself and I hope that by doing so, she'll look at her own behaviour and see there's a great deal of room for improvement.

Good luck flowers.

Neise07 Mon 02-Oct-23 10:42:11

Thankyou, I just realized I posted on someone's else thread so new to this . will try and sort it out.

agnurse Mon 02-Oct-23 14:13:38

Urmstongran

Just saw your post re: homeschooling. When my parents started homeschooling my mum was teaching three children, running after two preschoolers, and was also five months pregnant with a baby who was born halfway through their first year. But we children were active in church activities, music, Guiding/Scouting, and later sports, as well as activities with other homeschooling families.

Please do not stereotype all homeschoolers as isolated and insular.

icanhandthemback Mon 02-Oct-23 14:34:55

I have a daughter who has Borderline Personality Disorder and it can be really frustrating at times. Things can be very black and white. People are love bombed one minute and vehemently disliked the other. This can be very disorientating for children and this can also mean they too can be very anxious.
One thing I have learned is that me being frustrated and venting it (normally when I am surprised at what I am being accused of as well as hurt) is that it almost always triggers a period of estrangement. Getting back in communication can be difficult but I have somehow managed it but normally because I have said that I have been thinking about things and I might have been unreceptive at the time but now I think I could handled things differently so I apologise for that.
This doesn't mean I think I was wrong to do what I did but I am willing to look at things from her point of view.
My overall strategy is to keep very calm and when I get into that ever decreasing circular argument which descends into chaos, I extricate from the conversation telling her I will think about how she can be helped. 9 times out of ten the reality is that she doesn't actually want help but likes to have a good moan.
Homeschooling was also stressful for her because there were more times when she could get irritated by the child. I was quite glad when she went back into mainstream schooling.
It has taken nearly 20 years to get a diagnosis but I started reading a book called "Walking on Eggshells" and that made things much clearer in my mind about what I was trying to achieve. A relationship with my daughter is difficult and we went through a tougher time for a while after her first child was born but it has been better since I knew what I was dealing with.

Madgran77 Mon 02-Oct-23 17:33:07

icanhandthemback

I have a daughter who has Borderline Personality Disorder and it can be really frustrating at times. Things can be very black and white. People are love bombed one minute and vehemently disliked the other. This can be very disorientating for children and this can also mean they too can be very anxious.
One thing I have learned is that me being frustrated and venting it (normally when I am surprised at what I am being accused of as well as hurt) is that it almost always triggers a period of estrangement. Getting back in communication can be difficult but I have somehow managed it but normally because I have said that I have been thinking about things and I might have been unreceptive at the time but now I think I could handled things differently so I apologise for that.
This doesn't mean I think I was wrong to do what I did but I am willing to look at things from her point of view.
My overall strategy is to keep very calm and when I get into that ever decreasing circular argument which descends into chaos, I extricate from the conversation telling her I will think about how she can be helped. 9 times out of ten the reality is that she doesn't actually want help but likes to have a good moan.
Homeschooling was also stressful for her because there were more times when she could get irritated by the child. I was quite glad when she went back into mainstream schooling.
It has taken nearly 20 years to get a diagnosis but I started reading a book called "Walking on Eggshells" and that made things much clearer in my mind about what I was trying to achieve. A relationship with my daughter is difficult and we went through a tougher time for a while after her first child was born but it has been better since I knew what I was dealing with.

I think this is a really helpful post icanhandthemback So glad you feel things are in a better place now flowers

icanhandthemback Mon 02-Oct-23 19:07:00

Thank you, Madgran77.