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Estrangement

Suddenly estranged and heartbroken 💔

(54 Posts)
Michyg Sat 16-Sep-23 15:42:54

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Today 15:38 Michyg

So I’m a gramma dealing with my daughter who has 7 yr old twin girls and a new baby. She has been overwhelmed and has I believe she has BPD or catastrophic syndrome. She always sees the negative, never the bright side and is very controlling and criticizes her husband and especially one of her twins way too much. I’ve always been there for the family. Moved from NY to SC to be close 3 yrs ago with them to help out financially, babysit and be a part of their lives. I financed their SUV, and more. I’ve been there always to help. I’ve talked my daughter countless times from the ledge. She has very little patience but homeschools the girls anyhow. The baby had an early eeg because of her fear of epilepsy (runs in the family) and the first one was slightly abnormal but that was enough to cause extreme anxiety. She’s on meds which she is struggling to stop as she’s breastfeeding or pumping. Recently she asked if I would take one of them to ballet class weekly. She does not drive because she’s afraid of having a seizure (she had only 4 in her life and they last was over 10 yrs ago) I digress.

By mistake I put wrong place in the gps and the same name came up but it was somewhere else. I ended up late by 1/2 hr and although my GD was upset my daughter was beyond angry and threatened to drop her classes cause obviously I couldn’t be trusted now to do one job! I pleaded but that wasn’t the end of the debacle. I’ve never had to drive them anywhere before without the mom. I guess I was failing the test but there was more.

Her good friend was there with her daughter and we walked them to the car after class. We strapped them into the car seats in the back and before I turned on the car I stopped, leaned against my car and spoke to her for about 20 seconds. I was leaning against the car when my friends alerted me to them crying screaming in the back seat! We opened the car and they were hysterical. We calmed them down and I asked them why and one of them said you didn’t turn on the car and I thought you were gonna leave us for an hour!??! I was shocked they were this scared. We were literally right outside with me leaning on the car. They could see us and I was just saying goodbye to this woman. Nancy (my DD’s friend) actually scolded the girls at that point for scaring us telling them her kids were sitting in their car five cars away calmly. My car was unlocked also. It was 20 seconds! . That was it! Their reaction was insanely over the top! Anyhow driving back I asked why they were so scared. They said they thought I was going to leave them there??! I said that would never happen and I said they overreacted and the seemed ok after that. I called my daughter from the car so she could find out how the class went. And the twin that was more scared blurted out that I locked them in the car and didn’t turn the car on and she thought I was gonna leave them. Essentially throwing me under the bus to her already anxious mom. My daughter ripped into me but I got defensive, loudly. And it went downhill further from there. When I dropped them off, she pulled them from the car. Yes we argued in front of them and she told me I’ll never take them again, asking the kids if they feel safe around me anymore. And if they wanted to go with me again next time. Of course they said they didn’t and now she said my granddaughter who had they ballet class was crying hysterical because now she was cancelling her class cause she really wanted to go. They do not want to be around me anymore and that I ruined her life. And somehow a minor mistake turned into a catastrophe that was in their minds and my daughters. Literally aside from the mishap with directions nothing went wrong! Except the power to their fears given to them by their mom

Mind you we were very close before this. The kids have fears I’m afraid which are essentially my daughters. She has always been a perfectionist and anxiety ridden. She said it was inconsiderate to not turn on the car or give them a heads up before talking to her friend. I made a mistake with the directions but never were they in danger. I was literally leaning on the car saying goodbye to this woman! They are sweet kids but now mistrusting of me. My daughter thinks I’m scum and wants nothing to do with me now. She said the whole household says I’m nuts! Cursed me out on text later on. My beautiful grandkids were used as pawn in front of me of course siding with their borderline mom. They never should have been out in this position. I made the mistake of calling her from the car but my GD would’ve told her anyhow.

I have helped them financially, physically and have been a huge part of their life. I’ve slept over their house many times and babysat. And have been a rock for my daughter. She is very needy but maybe I’ve enabled this? Was this my fault?

She has also essentially told her own husband many times he’s a monster for his transgressions and has been very critical to one of her granddaughters who has ADD. She has now turned against me and worse had her kids turn against me instead of quelling an irrational fear of abandonment which I’m sure she’s stoked. I’m completely heartbroken. I haven’t got out of bed in 2 days. I’m crying my eyes out all the time. My bf says she’s borderline and I should not try to fix this. I keep thinking of the little one and my GD’s ballet that she loved. And now that’s over. How do I deal with this? Do I apologize to work something out? I don’t wanna see her daughter suffer. Have I ruined my relationship somehow? She told me to move away. She never wants to see me again. Although next time she need money I’m sure she’ll be calling.
She said if I wasn’t so defensive ( I was admittedly defensive) then maybe it would’ve turned out differently. She said her kids are allowed to be afraid and I should’ve validated their fears. I told them I was sorry they felt that way but it was irrational. And there was nothing to be sacred of. Now it’s all over. I’ve said nothing no texts for 2 days. What should I do??? Thanks and sorry for the long rant

Lilibet01 Mon 22-Jan-24 00:48:18

Hi Michyg When I read your story I wondered if the twins had experienced being left previously as there reaction seemed to indicate they may have. I agree it would be best to let things calm down for a while before contacting your daughter, it may so easily escalate and turn into " I don't want to see you anymore permanently" Take a breath and put some time and effort into something for yourself, we can't live, breath and function only for our children and grandchildren, it's not healthy for you and suffocating for them. Take care and look after yourself so your next experience is a positive one. All the best.

Allsorts Mon 29-Jan-24 08:09:43

Icanhandthemback. I will get that book, Walking on Eggshells. No one not in a relationship or who lives with someone with BPD can ever know how bad it is for the one closest to them, other family and friends walk away because they cant tolerate it, so you yourself if you don’t roll with it be some a victim too.
It is utterly draining. When all fine loving and fun then it turns on a sixpence.
Mychg I think your d will come round, you just have to wait sometimes for weeks. I sent a message each week, when I’m unblocked, saying Hi, hope all is well, one day it gets answered, so it goes.

jeanie99 Wed 07-Feb-24 01:00:34

Clearly your daughter has a problem with dealing with difficult issues.
The shouting etc at you is doing nothing to help your grandchildren at all with their fears. Speaking to you as she did is so rude I would certainly not even consider saying sorry.
She as totally gone over the top, I suspect there is something else in her life which she can't cope with that as nothing to do with you.
Try not to worry about the situation you now find yourself in
and move on.
Do not under any circumstance give her money, she's an adult, she should spend less or work more hours.
I would send your grandchildren pretty post cards on a regular basis so they know you are thinking of them and you love them.