Guilt for going no contact

Allsorts

How can grandparents who been estranged, who were not abusive, give advice to people that were abused as children, we have no experience of it. It seems that all granparents, parents are lumped together by some abused children as if they must have been abusers to have been estranged in the first place , do you know just how hurtful that is? You would hardly get an abuser on this site for a start off.
That's why I can give no advice to those people, they have no experience of an ordinary but loving family, than I have of an abusuve one.
It seems you all need a space to talk to people in the same circumstances as they fully understand. A counsellor will listen to you explore your feeling but you and only you can se the decision.

You’d be amazed. Abusers have a unique ability to convince themselves that their behaviours was justified, that it was a ‘different time’ that their kids are just ‘too sensitive’ and deny that they EVER did a thing wrong. I witnessed that in criminal court, a wife defending her husband who’d beaten her child.

Are all estranged parents abusers? Nope, I don’t believe so. But in this thread, the OP has been clear that her parents were

Hetty
I know exactly what you mean.
My own realisation was more gradual, I used to hang around other people’s homes, I was fascinated by the dynamics. Parents joking with each other, children shown affection, it was all very fascinating.
We lived on a council estate, and there were common families we weren’t meant to mix with.
But those families were amongst the kindest and happiest families I have ever known, one of the mums once doing something for me, which my own mother would never have considered.

MercuryQueen, thanks, your comment explains that vast difference between 'normal' parents and abusers. That betrayed child is very like a battered wife.

We can easily believe that all families are like our own, our life is like others. I was aged 11, on holiday with a schoolfriend's family, when it struck me (like a lightning bolt). This family were happy, they genuinely liked each other, they weren't pretending, the kids weren't scared of the parents - wow!

How can grandparents who been estranged, who were not abusive, give advice to people that were abused as children, we have no experience of it. It seems that all granparents, parents are lumped together by some abused children as if they must have been abusers to have been estranged in the first place , do you know just how hurtful that is? You would hardly get an abuser on this site for a start off.
That's why I can give no advice to those people, they have no experience of an ordinary but loving family, than I have of an abusuve one.
It seems you all need a space to talk to people in the same circumstances as they fully understand. A counsellor will listen to you explore your feeling but you and only you can se the decision.

We were estranged from my in laws for many years at the end of that relationship. This was in a day when estrangement wasn’t talked about as much. We found when the guilt creeped in, or was shoved on by others - it was helpful to ask “do I feel
Guilty for cutting out the person xx really is ? Or do I feel guilty because I miss the person I wish xx was ?” Because the difference is everything.

Germanshepherdsmum

You can only wait and see how you feel VS. I hope you don’t experience regret. I am very fortunate to have had parents who I loved, and who died knowing that. Therefore I have no regrets, no words unspoken.

So you don’t have any idea what it’s like to have had abusive parents.

Your reality is not the same as those who have survived it. I’m not being unkind or sarcastic, if anything, I envy you. But please don’t apply your world view to abuse survivors, because they’re not even remotely similar.

It’s no different than a happily married wife who’s husband adores her telling a battered wife that she should reconcile with her abuser because all marriages have their upsets and disagreements, she’ll regret not going back.

If you wouldn’t tell a battered woman to reconcile with her abuser, you shouldn’t tell a victim of child abuser to reconcile with theirs, either

I think it is extremely difficult for those who haven't been in the position where you have been pushed into NC for the sake of your sanity to understand why there may be no guilt when that person dies. That is not to say that you don't mourn the relationship you will never get the chance to have with them.

I will never, ever have contact with my father because of his crimes against children. No, I won't ever feel guilt as I have done my grief bit when I discovered he wasn't the person I thought he was. Should anybody ever suggest I might feel guilt or I should try to keep contact they would get very short shrift but in real life I am unable to explain my reasons fully because he is protected by a court order.
Whilst I think it is fair to ask, how do you think you would feel if that person died? To say you will feel guilt implies that you are somehow in the wrong for your actions. That is where the invalidation comes into play. The abused cannot put things right, they can only try to heal themselves. Only the abuser is in a position to attempt to put things right or stop the abuse.

VioletSky

It needed the context really

Ok! 🤔

Being related to someone, shouldn't bind us to a life of reluctant duty absolutely Sara. There's a lot we can learn from one another and the most important thing is learning that we don't have to feel guilty because I think whatever our experiences, guilt is felt by so many at some stage.

It's often difficult for other family members because when there's estrangement everyone in the family is affected, especially for the siblings of the one whose estranging, which seems to be the case for the OP.

It needed the context really

imaround

I agree 100% Madgran.

👍🙂

VS It doesn't show the highlight in quote, so the top sentence. I wasn't sure where that is from and feel like it lacks context

Oh sorry just realised the imaround highlight as the poster I was quoting somehow got deleted before I posted. Anyway it was from one of imarounds interesting posts.

Oh!

Thanks Madgran

I meant that there aren't many EAC here yes, not that I wish more existed

EAC don't last long here sadly, and leave... but hopefully for them to a better forum with more support

I think it was in my comment vs. The sentence you are looking for.

I agree 100% Madgran.

There are not many EAC here sadly Madgran, a space with more people and targeted support can only be beneficial

VS I'm not sure but I think Nanatoone is referring to your comment to me above maybe? I think you just meant not many EAC on this thread rather than that you wanted there to be more EAC generally

Madgran77

*Anyone telling me I am wrong is invalidating my experience*

Yes I understand your point and I certainly recognise aspects of what you describe in your experiences on GN. I don't think I have suggested how anyone should feel, but I know your posted was directed at anyone not directly at me per se. I'm not sure why my saying that there are some supportive posts on a thread is seen as invalidating; my intention was to highlight supportiveness available within the thread for the OP as I feel that might provide helpful aspects to think about in moving forward.

It doesn't show the highlight in quote, so the top sentence

I wasn't sure where that is from and feel like it lacks context

I apologize Madgran, if you thought my response was towards you. I was responding to another poster. You have been very supportive on this thread and even when you and I don't agree I find you to be someone I enjoy conversing with

Thankyou imaround. I actually knew it wasnt directed at me specifically but my attempt to highlight that clearly came over wrong! It is interesting to think about others perspectives on comments in relation to one's own comments, to gain understanding even if no agreement. 🙂

Nanatoone

Surely you didn’t mean that “sadly” VS? Good grief it’s a sad enough world without being sad there aren’t more adult child estrangements. I’d hope for the opposite.

Not sure where you mean?

But of course I would never want that

VS Would you mind showing me where the highlighted text is? I can't find it

Do you mean the anyone VS?

I highlighted that myself to opefully ensure that imaround understood that I did not specifically think her comment was directed at me per se. I was then thinking about the points she made, and linking them in my mind to my comments to try and understand better some perspectives that are different to mine.

"Because when I am able to put forth how I am affected by estrangement and how these quite innocent comments can come across, then maybe someone reading this thread may develop a bit more empathy"

I should have said we. When we can all talk about how estrangement affects us and how these innocent comments come across to all of us, then someone reading this thread may develop a bit more empathy".

We all need a bit more empathy.

Smileless2012

I understand imaround but on an open forum you're going to get responses from others who have no experience of estranging a parent, as well as from EP's in addition to those from EAC.

Sometimes they are helpful and sometimes they're hurtful and yes, the hurtful ones leave their mark .

Yes I know this. This is why I encourage, and try to participate in, respectful thread such as this one. Because when I am able to put forth how I am affected by estrangement and how these quite innocent comments can come across, then maybe someone reading this thread may develop a bit more empathy.

If it were me reading, I would maybe think "wow, i have never had this experience. Would this person actually miss them when they are gone? Or is that me projecting my experience on them? How would I feel if I were in their shoes? Would I want to hear that comment?" And then maybe I wouldn't say that any more, even if I did think it.

Threads like these are a learning experience for all parties of estrangement and those who are not estranged alike and if even 1 person is helped, that matters!

So thank you for engaging in a respectful well needed conversation with me!

Surely you didn’t mean that “sadly” VS? Good grief it’s a sad enough world without being sad there aren’t more adult child estrangements. I’d hope for the opposite.

outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Noooo

I definitely would have opened a thread like this

Have you heard of FOG, Fear Obligation and Guilt?

I'll find a good link