Guilt for going no contact

Well say

Well said

It is nice to see I agree Madgran and Sara's posts always come across that she is comfortable with the decision she made.

Sara1954

Madgran
I think so, had it not come to a head I think we would have stayed locked into an awful, dysfunctional relationship, which made neither of us happy.
I don’t think she likes me anymore than I like her, so not a great loss to anyone.

You do seem comfortable with your decision which is nice to see.

Had things not come to a head for us I'm certain we'd have become "locked into an awful, dysfunctional relationship" you must be so relieved to be free of it Sara, and I can't help but be relieved we were spared it.

Madgran
I think so, had it not come to a head I think we would have stayed locked into an awful, dysfunctional relationship, which made neither of us happy.
I don’t think she likes me anymore than I like her, so not a great loss to anyone.

Sara1954

Smileless
Absolutely, it did seem trivial. Something I might normally have rolled my eyes about, and moaned a bit.
But her selfishness, her disregard for anything else going on, the accusations they threw at me, which were ridiculous, as you say, last straw.
Probably could have got past it if I didn’t already dislike her so much.

I suppose there is a sort of positive in that Sara if it acts as a "release" to do what you need to do for your own well being

Smileless
Absolutely, it did seem trivial. Something I might normally have rolled my eyes about, and moaned a bit.
But her selfishness, her disregard for anything else going on, the accusations they threw at me, which were ridiculous, as you say, last straw.
Probably could have got past it if I didn’t already dislike her so much.

the meaning in a relationship has gone and doesn't come back that puts it very well Madgran.

I can understand that Sara and sometimes by comparison with what's gone on in the past, the 'straw that breaks the camels back' can seem rather insignificant, but it's that constant drip drip that's taken it's toll, bringing you to the point where enough is enough, and you can't take any more.

I agree, I struggled on for years, not with particularly good grace, but I was dutiful, I did what was expected of me, and more.
Then something happened, her timing was extraordinary, she pushed me too far when I had a lot going on, which meant nothing, it was all about her.
I said, I never wanted to speak to her again, and I never have.
She did me a massive favour, I was set free.

We are more inclined to work hard at relationships and often take much more harm than we should (non abusive women anyway) but eventually, push us too far and it is like flicking a switch. It is just gone

I think that is very true VS. I know that I can be pushed a very long way but once someone has pushed too far and lost me that's it, it's gone! I'm not particularly talking Estrangement there, just the meaning in a relationship has gone and doesnt come back. Flicking a switch is a good description

www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

I don't know if a relationship could ever be solid again even when love remains. We haven't stopped loving our ES but sometimes love simply isn't enough is it.

I don't think, after a period of years, even if the behaviour stopped (whoever was abusive) it would ever be a solid relationship again.

I think once you stop loving someone, that just doesn't come back. That's not the same as caring and hoping they live the best life they can but it just isn't the same.

Especially women I feel. We are more inclined to work hard at relationships and often take much more harm than we should (non abusive women anyway) but eventually, push us too far and it is like flicking a switch. It is just gone

Well yes that is something to consider Allsorts. Some do of course after several years but it wouldn't be an option for us, not now.

I’m afraid both sides have to want reconciliation, after a long period of estrangement a lot of those estranged just wouldn’t risk it.

I have said for a long time, if my mother ever sought help to change her abusive behaviour, I would be there to support her...

But I no longer hope for it

Sara1954

There are so many varying reasons why families break down.
We should have empathy for estranged parents, because we can all imagine how we would feel if our own children estranged us.
It’s not black and white, we have one daughter who although we have a close relationship with, can be very difficult, and on one occasion I felt we were close to at least a temporary break.
Things were very strained for a while, but my husband just wasn’t having it, and spent hours trying to get to the bottom of it, turned out to be good old sibling rivalry!
But, we considered we had done everything right, it was just that one child was at a point in her life when she needed more support, it could easily have slipped into estrangement.

A wise, balanced and thought provoking post Sara. Thankyou

Gundy
That’s good that you got that opportunity, but despite everything, you loved your mother.
If you don’t, there is no point.

When we become adults we sometimes see our parent(s) for who they are, what they do - not the shining examples of parenthood on a hill* that we had hoped for.

After all, they’re just people like everyone else we may like or dislike. We are not like them just because they’re our parent(s).

I myself during my 30’s had an episode with my mother where she exhibited a strain of abusive jealousy that was very bad. I stopped talking to her. She felt it, knew it. I held my position for self-preservation. After about six months I reestablished a more reserved relationship with her. She dared not cross that line again.

Years later when she was in the process of dying, I went to be with her every wknd after work (a five hr drive one way), but on the last day I was with her I was able to say “I love you” as we held hands and looked into each others eyes… that was important to me for the rest of my life.

I’ve had peace.
USA Gundy

Can we give advice Allsorts I think sometimes we can and we can give support, understanding and encouragement. I haven't seen anything here posted with the intention of making the OP or anyone else feel guilty.

My advice to the OP was to give it time and if the 'waves of guilt' continue to consider counselling.

I'm sure there will always be regret, regret that the childhood and adulthood up to the time of estrangement wasn't how it should have been and estrangement was the only option.

Regret that things couldn't have been better is shared by everyone whose life is affected by estrangement.

Often there is a burden of guilt when a close relative dies no matter what your relationship. That diminishes if you devoted everything to that person as I did with my ds or if you are totally estranged from that person because of their behaviour. Do you think you would have a burden of guilt Loveandpositivity? You already have some now because of your siblings but it’s your conscience not theirs. They may well have been treated differently. There is middle child syndrome which you could have suffered from. Do what you think is right.

Whose trying to make anyone feel guilty? I am not you, that's your misinterpretation of what I said. You continue to post as you will. you are a victim of abuse. Other victims will identify with that.

There are so many varying reasons why families break down.
We should have empathy for estranged parents, because we can all imagine how we would feel if our own children estranged us.
It’s not black and white, we have one daughter who although we have a close relationship with, can be very difficult, and on one occasion I felt we were close to at least a temporary break.
Things were very strained for a while, but my husband just wasn’t having it, and spent hours trying to get to the bottom of it, turned out to be good old sibling rivalry!
But, we considered we had done everything right, it was just that one child was at a point in her life when she needed more support, it could easily have slipped into estrangement.

It is very unlikely that an estranged parent and an estranged child from the same family would end up on this forum together Allsorts.

Estranged children here talking about their experiences doesn't need to have any impact at al on estranged parents here

Maybe sometimes the discussion resonates in some way with you but that is not the fault of the person posting and another thing they shouldn't be made to feel guilty for