3 bereavements .....

It was his sister birthday today and not even a card for her

Nicola1960

I think you don't understand the full story.

All this happened when my husband her fil and my husband was slowly leaving us.

I did reach out and got a mouth full of abuse. How not to behave when family in crisis in my opinion and will never forgive her or him as my husband didn't have a voice and is now dead.

Nicola I totally understand your anger regarding that behaviour. I do think that when you are ready you need to work out your way forward in the context of what YOU would like to happen IF they are willing.

*Do you want any relationship with them?
Or
*Do you want to just be allowed to see your grandchildren?
Or
*Do you want somewhere between those two?

Establishing for yourself which is your preference might help you to decide on a way forward for you to try and achieve that. .
But for the moment I would give yourself space with those who care about you, allow yourself time and space to accept "the new reality" without your husband It is hard as Allsorts says and has experienced. Take care

22:18Nicola1960

How awful for you, I don't know what to suggest if you have already reached out to them didn't realise this, but if you want to see your grandchildren you need to try and make peace with your son 💐

Nicola, Please take no notice of very unkind responses from some. No one knows how hard it is losing your husband and so young, like mine was, but previous to this looking after him with Alzheimer’s, that is so hard and lonely and draining. Please look after yourself. Concentrate on the family and people you do have, you need to look after yourself. I do find your dil has a problem as has your son. Some people cannot cope with illness, can’t put themselves in your shoes, tgat no excuse for treating you badly you needed support, it wasn’t about them.
You are always welcome on here as we do understand a little of your feelings and you will get support, meanwhile look after yourself.💐

I think you don't understand the full story.

All this happened when my husband her fil and my husband was slowly leaving us.

I did reach out and got a mouth full of abuse. How not to behave when family in crisis in my opinion and will never forgive her or him as my husband didn't have a voice and is now dead.

Christmas isn't imminent so wait and see if there's a change Nicola and if not saving money would be better than sending gifts.

Sorry to hear of your husband's death at such a young age. Life is very hard sometimes isn't it. Obviously you seem to have upset your DIL and son even if it was unintentionally on your part, I would write them a letter or WhatsApp and don't play the victim, even though you are I think, say you are sorry and you will do anything and everything to make amends, say how much you love your son and how sorry you are to have upset his wife and how you long to see your grandchildren. Say you want to give the children presents for Christmas and how you miss seeing them etc.

I would suggest that you save money for them. I dont think Xmas and birthdays are the best time to instigate contact of any sort when emotions are running high and it just opens the way for presents to be chucked back at you, and more hurt!

And the question is now . Do I buy grandchildren presents birthdays and Christmas or save money for them

Sorry for your loss.

Exchanging gifts is always difficult and probably best done on the quiet. Someone once sent me a completely unsutable "activity" experience which I quietly passed on to one of my sporty young nephews.

I think the posters upthread are correct in that your problem lies with your son. He is obviously much under the influence of the DIL. I would leave it for a few months and then try to rebuild your relationship with him. Perhaps he would agree to bring your grandchild around for an hour or so nearer Christmas.

It's awful that you've had to deal with this bereavement but it seems your son recognises there is (separately) also an issue (either with you and him, you and his wife, or both) so I think that's something you need to look at more closely as it's hard to comment when all the blame seems to be on DIL.

You've raised a young man who now has his own family and his own responsibilities so you need to mentally come to terms with the fact he is going to pull away and not have as much time for you - you and your husband have just raised an independent, strong and capable man and for that you should be proud. His wife is now the number 1 woman in his life and they have their own nuclear family unit.

Don't get me wrong, more support during this time would have been the right thing for him to do but you won't get the investment of time or emotion that you got from him before and that's ok. You can't force people to visit those that are sick but he's a grown adult, he's made that decision for himself and that's something he needs to live with.

Nicola1960

Thankyou all for your kind message I appreciate them really so much.

A couple of the comments I found quite upsetting and quite sharp. Data breech ...... and how can you accept this !!

Nicola I think the comment on data breach was not explained well. However I believe that there were 2 key points behind it:

1. The personal information you included about the areas lived in etc ..might enable someone including your DiL, Son, someone who knows them to identify the people behind your story, including you. That could potentially cause even more problems in the relationships etc. You or they may not wish to be identified by others who know you or know them. So this aspect could make you and them vulnerable to that.

2. Also the meaning behind "data breach" is that we each have private information about us that in an online world would be called data. Data breaches in law can be challenged. It seems unlikely that that would be done by family members but in difficult relationships there is potential for more problems.

The comment was badly expressed but you MAY want to think about asking GN to let you edit your original post to remove personal identifying information if it concerns you in light of the above.

In terms of "how can you accept..." not well expressed and certainly comes over as unkind, I think, in the name of "saying it as it is!" I'm not really sure it was intended to be unkind, I can see how it was not helpful for you atall at this point, when you are so clearly in a difficult time with bereavement and estrangement all mixed up in a maelstrom of emotion. You are going through a process and that will include eventual acceptance of the situation....you really don't need to be analysing every word you write or others write, apparently without thinking about context.

Please just focus on yourself, and what you need to keep going.

Nicola1960 I know it's hard but ignore the negative comments. Why we use an username is to keep our identity secret . And by not mentioning real people by name . It's to protect you.

The support thread as DiamondLily mentioned is a kind place people there support eachother. Also it's mainly estranged parents who post there. So it might be better for you there. Without Smileless2012 and everyone else's support I couldn't have got through the last 3 years of my son estranging me . Have a read and see what I mean.

Nicola1960

Thankyou all for your kind message I appreciate them really so much.

A couple of the comments I found quite upsetting and quite sharp. Data breech ...... and how can you accept this !!

Posting on a forum brings forth different views, but you know your own situation better than anyone else.🙂

There is a support thread on this section, where the comments tend to be kinder.

All I suggest, being recently bereaved myself, is that you concentrate on grieving your husband, and take support from your daughter and any friends.

Negative and unhelpful people, even relatives,Nate best avoided at this time.

Best wishes 💐

Thankyou all for your kind message I appreciate them really so much.

A couple of the comments I found quite upsetting and quite sharp. Data breech ...... and how can you accept this !!

Nothing to add sending virtual(((hugs)))

What a difficult time you have had and it will take time to get over. You are hurting because you are estranged from your family because of your DIL and your DS lack of compassion.

The family you are close too treasure them while you recover from the loss of your DH taken away too early. Look after yourself and try your best to get involved more with friends keep occupied.

I hope your relationship with your DS and family can be reconciled at some point time will tell. Your loss of your DH will get easier because you have wonderful memories that will last forever 💐

Nicola1960 like many estranged parent I never through for a second my son would turn from the loving,kind and caring son I knew for 32 years. Only to realise he was cruel and cowardly as he ended our relationship via email and follow up letter. I knew his 2 eldest boys and they loved coming here but because of the estrangement I have another grandson by then I don't know his name or date of birth. Only know he was due in July 2020. As I can't bear the thought of my grandson without a name I have given him one. My grandson's with my son and daughter in law are nearly 7,5 and 3.

I am lucky have a wonderful daughter and son in law and see my grandson's by them weekly. Aged 5.5 and nearly 3.

Sorry you are widowed and 61 to die from Alzheimer's is a horrible way to go. So you have joined the double whammy club as I call it you are grieving for your husband and now facing the living grief of estrangement.

It's a club no one wants to join. My mom had dementia she died long before her body . I can only assume your husband did to. Grief for the other half of yourself never ends and in my own experience it gets harder every year been 19.5 years since my husband died from cancer aged 47. At least I had a gap of 16 years before my son decided to dump me. But for you it's worse having to face both grief's at once.

For the time being just concentrate on your grief for your husband and no matter how hard it is just put your son's actions to one side. Only deal and come to terms with this when you feel stronger.

As much as you are grieving for your husband please look after yourself. It's hard I know but for your sake and his you must live your life the best way you can. 💐

Nicola1960

I have become to realise that ultimately it is my son . Yes you are right.

Just can't believe he could ever treat his mom and dad like that.

I suppose now I am at the acceptance stage and trying to build a new life without the love of my life x

Hi Nicola. What a difficult time for you.

You are facing a maelstrom of difficulties..your bereavement after caring for your partner; your estrangement from your son and his family; your concerns re your daughter and the impact on her.

I think you need to just allow yourself time initially. Dont push yourself to "accept" or to "move on". Just feel and think.

Try to gently separate out your bereavement from all the other stuff a bit ..think about your life with your husband; think about good times for the 2 of you in the past, allow yourself to have "bad days" and "good daus"! It is normal to have days when you just have to hibernate. Allow yourself those. Dont fight them. Take time with your daughter when you and she can. Talk about your husband when you want to with her and with friends. Do what you need to do for your own bereavement and to get to an acceptance of "the new reality" without your husband

The problems with your son and his family ...try not to let those impede the above for you. The "new reality" may or may not include them and your "new reality" is yours not theirs.

I think you need to just give some space on this one. Your son has to take responsibility for what HE wants in his relationship with you whatever the problems may have been over the years. It is understandable that you are angry with DiL but as you know ultimately the choices are his. You just arent in the right place at the moment to make any decisions on how to move forward on all this so just leave it be and give yourself and your son time. At some point you will feel more able to decide if and when you want to reach out or whether you will just wait or whatever.Dont try to rush yourself

Take care

Nicola
How can you be in acceptance stage this fast when you didn't mention your son at all in the original post?

Clearly, we only have a small % of the story here

❤️ sad for you

I have become to realise that ultimately it is my son . Yes you are right.

Just can't believe he could ever treat his mom and dad like that.

I suppose now I am at the acceptance stage and trying to build a new life without the love of my life x

How old is your grandson? That would give is an idea how long it may has been going on

So sorry Nicola. The loss of your DH and estrangement from your son is is very hard to take.
As others have said it is your son who is at fault for allowing the estrangement when you were suffering so much with your husband's illness and death. He should have been there for you even if he had to put up with a sulking wife.

I don’t really understand what Nicola is asking, as I presume she was upset when posting, and it looks like there have been issues for some time. It’s really something which can only be sorted out by those involved, maybe when Nicola feels a bit less vulnerable, as she is still grieving the loss of her partner.