Fethiye - Been on the brink many times and it’s always me who offers the olive branch. It’s only because I don’t wan’t to lose touch with my grandchildren. Good luck …
Last letters make new words - Series 3
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Estrangement
Familiarity breeds contempt
(55 Posts)For the last 8 years Ive helped my DD and SIL out unconditionally. Always been available because I am the only helper they have here. I changed jobs, I moved city, I change my work hours around to fit in with them and annual leave. As a result of my help theyve been able to move home 3 times. Get good jobs. Manage their lives with the granddaughters. All his family live down south and abroad. During this time Ive put up with my daughter verbally lashing out at me on occasion due to the high powered stressful job along with motherhood she does but the other day was the last and final straw.
I try to not get caught up in their rows and keep my opinions to myself. Im not prone to moods and just tootle alone going about my day.
I was asked to look after the granddaughters on a Saturday which I did but they didnt tell me why but thats okay none of my business. On Sunday I got a videocall from the SIL showing me a dog they'd got which they must have gone to see a breeder that Saturday. Considering the stress levels they both complain about doing fulltime jobs, caring for two young daughters aged 4 and 7, which I picked up and droped off at school 2 days a week on my way to and from my own job in a local hospital I inwardly thought this was a mistake. I was unable to show any enthusiasm for their purchase. They know my views on dogs. The next thing I got a text message off the SIL saying you dont have to do anything as per the dog in any way as my mum will look after it if necessary orvwell take it away with us etc when I mind their house and cats when they go away.
Im having therapy at the moment for various reasons to do with a lifetime of abuse.
On the tuesday when I turned up to pick the girls up there was a distinct passive aggressive air from the SIL towards me around the dog.
On the Wednesday when I arrived to pick the girls up the DD and SIL had been up since 4:30am cleaning up dog diarrhoea from all over the livingroom.
Later that afternoon after Id brought them home from school and theyd eaten their tea.
The SIL said to me in the kitchen cant you say anything positive about the dog and laughed.
My little granddaughter went upstairs and came down in a little costume. My SIL went upstairs to carry on with his job after cooking the girls tea and my daughter came downstairs to babysit the dog in the kitchen with her laptop still doing her job. The dog got hold of the hem of my granddaughter's little dress trying to pull her down so I said a firm NO to the dog. My DD roared at me shouting you're not supposed to shout at the dog!!! I said I didnt shout but said a firm NO. My DD just launched into an attack on my mental health shouting have you HAD a diagnosis yet? And to stop using her as a punching bag when I said I cant do right for doing wrong. here?? After more abuse hurled at me I started for the door to get my coat. Thats right she shouted after me in a mocking tone go on run off in a hissy fit like you always do!! All this was in front of the grandchildren. I removed myself from their home for this reason. After all Ive done for them. I never ask for anything for myself.
I got home still enraged and sent a text to the SIL who was oblivious to all this downstairs to say I was withdrawing my services and Im sorry I know this might mean I may never see the girls again (because I felt that I had to absolutely make a stand)and that I am done with the life sentence of recurrent bouts of contempt and hatred I face from both my children ( son stopped speaking to me over 16 years ago) due to past misdemeanours as a young struggling single parent. Yes perhaps not the most sensible thing to do but I was hurt and angry and full of how dare you berate me in front of the grandchildren, attack my mental status and accuse me of being violent. She wouldnt dare do this to her father when he was alive or his parents so why me the one thats helping them. Since then there has been a deafening silence. I have offered the olive branch but again met with silence. I dont know where to go from here I feel I am being seen as the one who is at fault here. Its making me feel so ill. All because I scolded the dog.
This is not about the dog.at.all - them getting a dog or not had nothing to do with your opinion about it
If you expect your daughter to be reasonable this Sunday, given the background - bless your heart
Why you chose to accept the abuse for so many years is the key, and give indications you may be coming back from more
Oh dear
You don't need an opinion on the dog, not your dog or your problem.
If the dog makes them happy, be happy for them... Dogs can enrich stressful lives, get everyone out walking and healthy
I'm also really surprised you would contact SIL instead of your daughter... It is your daughter you need to mend things with, going to SIL probably looked like you were hoping he would side with you
All in all, you are very involved in their lives to the point you are judging their choices and they are sensing this even though you said nothing...
You need to have a focus on your own life first I think and concentrate on healing past wounds so they don't affect the present
Hope things improve when the dust settles
It's good that your D's meeting up with you tomorrow Fethiye and I hope it's a positive experience for you both.
This is an opportunity for you to say how your D's treatment makes you feel and to put some boundaries in place for the future.
The support you provide is given because you love them but that love mustn't be taken advantage of. I hope that knowing you're prepared to withdraw completely will have given your D something to think about, and will improve the situation going forward.
Good luck.
If a young dog, untrained, is grabbing a young child's dress 'trying to bring her down' and its owner ignores it, of course Fethiye should intervene.
If she is to be left in charge of the children and the dog is there, is she to be expected to ignore its bad behaviour and the risk to young children?
Exactly eazybee. It wont be a puppy for long and even a small dog can harm children.
VioletSky
Oh dear
You don't need an opinion on the dog, not your dog or your problem.
If the dog makes them happy, be happy for them... Dogs can enrich stressful lives, get everyone out walking and healthy
I'm also really surprised you would contact SIL instead of your daughter... It is your daughter you need to mend things with, going to SIL probably looked like you were hoping he would side with you
All in all, you are very involved in their lives to the point you are judging their choices and they are sensing this even though you said nothing...
You need to have a focus on your own life first I think and concentrate on healing past wounds so they don't affect the present
Hope things improve when the dust settles
No that was not the intention at all they had to be informed I was withdrawing my services and there would have been no point sending that to my daughter causing further abuse. We all did our turn with the girls. The dog was never the issue here anyway.
they've probably realised the cost and inconvenience of having to find paid childcare, so are willing to placate you to a degree to keep your services on tap.
beware.
do you really want to go on living like this.
eazybee
If a young dog, untrained, is grabbing a young child's dress 'trying to bring her down' and its owner ignores it, of course Fethiye should intervene.
If she is to be left in charge of the children and the dog is there, is she to be expected to ignore its bad behaviour and the risk to young children?
This. I've had dogs and they need training from an early age.
OP- hope the meeting goes well, but stand your ground. You are the one providing free child care - something they would miss.
Don't let them walk on you.💐
If you live a busy life a dog adds to the stress because it needs attention, training, walks, feeding, housing, vet, kennels on holiday. I can never understand those who have a baby and simply have to have a dog as well - just to make life easier!
If you have the time and are willing to look after it properly fine, but so many don’t
welbeck
they've probably realised the cost and inconvenience of having to find paid childcare, so are willing to placate you to a degree to keep your services on tap.
beware.
do you really want to go on living like this.
Ill be agreeing some ground rules and boundaries today if anything arises like this again. So there will be changes. Also my daughter needs to learn to stop lashing out in her peri menopause. The problem with some young women is they dont listen to wisdom from their mothers and think they know it all and that we have outdated thinking. We old women have been there done that and saw the consequences of past actions. Some of us have learned a thing or two from those experiences.
I do not mind helping out as I work in the area anyway but wont be abused as payment for it and will walk again if I have too.
If you are both willing to find a compromise and boundaries that work for both this will be ok
But no matter how much life experience you have had... Never think that gives you any kind of advantage or authority over another adult, child or not. They are at liberty to live their own lives as they choose
Am I the only one concerned about the dog? A chaotic household, both parents working full time, two school age children? Stupid idea for them, and a potential disaster for what looks as if will be an untrained dog. You were right to be unenthusiastic. The dog deserves better. So do you.
You can't be a doormat . You must do just the amount of free childcare that suits you . I am a dog lover myself but you must make it clear you are not offering any free pet care . And yes you do have to be firm with dogs so they know who the pack leader is . But you must make it clear you will help DGDs on your terms when it fits in with your life and that you are not offering any pet care at all. Let them absorb that information . And stew on that for at least a week . Then start up again . On your terms .
I've been thinking about the dog in this situation too HPQ.
If the dog is untrained and not cared for appropriately, it will suffer in the long term.
It looks from your post @ 7.34 that you are going to this meeting well prepared Fethiye and have your boundaries firmly fixed in your mind.
I hope it goes well and your D has learned something from the unpleasantness she caused.
Not a happy household. Sil and daughter sound to me as if they shouldn’t be taking on a dog. Dogs need to be around calm households esp puppies. I think you are a saint you have done so much for the ungrateful pair. To hear that your daughter verbally lashes out to you would be enough for me. There’s no way I’d be putting myself in your position, they would have to get on with it themselves. You did right regarding the dog. Also you say your dd came down and roared at you saying you are not supposed to shout at the dog! But it’s obviously ok in her book to shout at her mother who is doing everything in her power to help out. I would be walking away they are taking advantage of you big time Feth if you wish to continue I’d be putting boundaries in place
I would have been angry about the dog too 
and I have always had dogs. It doesn;t seem like a sensible thing to do if they are not even coping with having children.
MerylStreeps advice is very good. I hope the meeting has gone well
Please come back and let us know how the meeting went
Some very good advice here.
I suggest that you listen very carefully to what your DD says about the situation, ask her leading questions to draw out how she sees things in the future. Let her lay out her wares & what the offer is.
Just listen very carefully, make mental notes of what her expectations are of you & of her DH & ILs.
Then pause, smile sweetly, tell her you love her dearly & that you need some space to take all this in & reflect. You’ll come back to her soon to let her know what works best for you.
Promise nothing, offer up minimum.
Take your time, be gentle & kind, do not rush to please others.
These matters will be resolved in due course.
The dog is not your concern.
Met with the daughter. Had a good long 2 hour adult chat.
I was able to see things from her perspective and she could see things from mine.
We have come to an agreement on many issues and that I especially want my remaining years to be contentment and happiness and she agreed.
She doesnt want me to stop seeing the grandkids and neither do I even if I stopped the school run or other help. She tells me they love me very much and she would not stop me seeing them.
The dog is not the issue here. The dog is fine and enjoying life in its new place for all those concerned about the dog. Seems to have settled down and made itself at home.
I will continue to support for now with my grandchildren when I can. This is not being a doormat because its with my agreement and on my terms.
Thank you for all your support and help it was appreciated.
I'm glad it has gone well 
That all sounds very positive Fethiye, you must be relieved.
That sounds great Fethiye.
So happy for update
That's great!
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