Familiarity breeds contempt

It's good that your D's meeting up with you tomorrow Fethiye and I hope it's a positive experience for you both.

This is an opportunity for you to say how your D's treatment makes you feel and to put some boundaries in place for the future.

The support you provide is given because you love them but that love mustn't be taken advantage of. I hope that knowing you're prepared to withdraw completely will have given your D something to think about, and will improve the situation going forward.

Good luck.

Oh dear

You don't need an opinion on the dog, not your dog or your problem.

If the dog makes them happy, be happy for them... Dogs can enrich stressful lives, get everyone out walking and healthy

I'm also really surprised you would contact SIL instead of your daughter... It is your daughter you need to mend things with, going to SIL probably looked like you were hoping he would side with you

All in all, you are very involved in their lives to the point you are judging their choices and they are sensing this even though you said nothing...

You need to have a focus on your own life first I think and concentrate on healing past wounds so they don't affect the present

Hope things improve when the dust settles

This is not about the dog.at.all - them getting a dog or not had nothing to do with your opinion about it

If you expect your daughter to be reasonable this Sunday, given the background - bless your heart

Why you chose to accept the abuse for so many years is the key, and give indications you may be coming back from more

Fethiye - Been on the brink many times and it’s always me who offers the olive branch. It’s only because I don’t wan’t to lose touch with my grandchildren. Good luck …

Let your daughter lead the conversation, listen carefully to what she says and be as non-committal as possible in your replies, (a pause before you answer is always good.) Ask her where she wants to go from here, and then say as briefly as possible that you were hurt by her comments, as your response to their dog's behaviour was out of concern for their daughter, quite rightly so. Avoid texts.

It does concern me that people take on dogs without the slightest idea of how to train them or control them around young children. If, IF, you agree to childmind for them again it would be advisable for the dog to be elsewhere.

MerylStreep is right. Sit up straight and be assertive.
Perhaps write down the points you want to make.
Let your daughter know you love her but you want respect.

All my children and step children have dogs the houses stink and the dogs are chaotic, it’s their problem I visit if and when and keep my mouth shut.
I have tolerated working dogs in the past, currently we don’t have one and it’s wonderful, so much less mess, I’ve even got a tidy man as well.

OP needs to get away she is too close, let them stew on their own.

Fethiye53

Thank you for all your support and replies I really appreciate it and it made me feel a whole lot better in myself. Im 70 years old by the way. .

My daughter has accepted the olive branch and meeting with me on Sunday to talk about this awful situation that Im sorry to say she caused. Oddly enough I saw her message just as I posted on this thread.

Are there any words of advice as to how I should handle this or perhaps what to say?

It’s not so much what you say, it’s the demeanour you present to her. Head up, shoulders back, firm eye contact.
The minute she starts to put you down, tell you you’re wrong put your hand up and say stop there, I’m not having this
To help you, you can practice the above in a mirror.

That's really good news Fethiye but not something you want to repeat.

I agree you must make your boundaries clear. I hope you enjoy your coffee with your DD with noone flouncing off!

Good luck 🍀

Hi Fethiye, I understand why you feel the need to tip-toe around yr daughter after events surrounding your Son, fearing you might lose her as well. These thoughts, unfortunately I feel, put you at a disadvantage - and then you over-compensate.
When you meet your daughter, listen to what she has to say, hear her out and then ask she offers you the same courtesy to enable you to do the same. I’d use the opportunity to let her know calmly but firmly what your boundaries going forward are, ie you won’t tolerate being shouted at or being expected to do more with the pup than you want to do. And some appreciation along the way wouldn’t go amiss either😊. Good luck, I do hope it’s a productive meet-up, and you come away feeling as if it’s been worthwhile.

Yes estrangement makes one fear of having lost one child one will lose another so one lives ones life treading glass, pandering and pussyfooting around trying not to upset. Im not going to live like this anymore. My son treats me like Im dead. My granddaughters and SIL filled that hole. But I will walk away if necessary and get on with my own life as I have always done.

Shelflife

They are walking all over you because you have allowed it to happen! At last you are standing your ground - good on you!! Leave them to struggle you have offered the olive branch so the ball is now firmly in their court! Good luck and don't ever feel guilty. 💐

Thank you 🙂

Thank you for all your support and replies I really appreciate it and it made me feel a whole lot better in myself. Im 70 years old by the way. .

My daughter has accepted the olive branch and meeting with me on Sunday to talk about this awful situation that Im sorry to say she caused. Oddly enough I saw her message just as I posted on this thread.

Are there any words of advice as to how I should handle this or perhaps what to say?

MerylStreep

Fethiye
I know those situations ( although not with my son in law)
Before the grandchildren came along I would just walk out.
But that changed when they came along.
Now my daughter knows she can only go so far.
What you must do now is take care of your mental health.
Have you experienced anxiety attacks. Have a look on YouTube. There are some very good videos to help you.
Once you get a handle on your mental health you’ll deal with this situation much better.

Hopefully my daughter will have realised her awful behaviour doesnt work for anyone.

Allsorts

Pity you sent that e mail, but you acted in the heat of the moment. You have apologised and if you can just carry of picking the children up as you did, I would continue. Let it go if you can. If they take you at your word and get other help to replace you, I would try one more time to clear the air but not back down about looking after the dog. After that I would step back. I used to constantly apologise and try to put everything right that was not my fault, I was treated with contempt. I have been estranged many years and realised long ago, nothing I said or did made any difference as in my case it was what she wanted and the love had gone. Normally people love their moms and that wont be what your daughter wants but try to keep your head and your dignity. What will be will be,

I think this might be the case as after sending this my daughter has replied to the olive branch and we are meeting for a discussion on Sunday hopefully to examine what happened. Its half term this week and the schools go back next week. The grandchildren should not suffer because of two adults having a slanging match. Perhaps this will lead to a better understanding that I wont be treated in this way and to have more respect and gratitude in the future.

Smileless2012

Hello Fethjiye.

I'm very sorry to read about the predicament you find yourself in.

You were of course right to say 'no' firmly to the puppy. It's important that they learn from a young age what is and is not acceptable, if they don't trouble lies ahead.

It sounds as if a lack of sleep due to cleaning up after the puppy may well have contributed to your D's outburst but even so, she shouldn't have spoken to you that way, especially in front of the children.

I can only assume that your frustration at being subjected to your D's verbal abuse, despite all the support you provide reached boiling point and it is this that led to you withdrawing your "services".

As an estranged parent myself, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to feel you had no choice at that moment but to make a stand. Estrangement from one adult child makes us wary of, and to a degree fearful that having lost one adult child, we could lose another.

You reacted out of anger and frustration, just as your D did. You say you've offered a olive branch but so far this has been ignored.

It may be better to give them time to calm down so that hopefully they'll reach a point where they are prepared to have an adult conversation about what's happened, and for you all to explore the underlying issues so that in the future, this can be avoided.

My DD contacted me by rext and said she is prepared to meet with me on Sunday for yes that adult conversation. You are correct in the many things you say here and one tries to be understanding but I felt that her abuse was setting back my therapy not to mention downright rude. Ha ha me having therapy when it should be them. Thank you 🙂

DiamondLily

I certainly wouldn't get into a debate about a pet.🙄

If you lay down, people will walk on you. They are walking all over you.

Step away - let them sort out their childcare (expensive lol), and sort their dog out.

Once you stop pandering to them, they might stop with all their silliness.

Do things that make you happy. 💐

I think it needed to come to the boil 😕

denbylover

I think you’ve stated your case, you feel used and abused, now you let things lie for a bit. Hopefully after a period of collecting their children from school they will see what you have done for them in an attempt to make their lives easier and some appreciation will be felt. I hope so.

Thank you 😘

welbeck

if you make yourself into a doormat, people will walk on you, and wipe their feet.
you are better away from such people.
concentrate on your own life, make yourself your own priority, please yourself, build your confidence.
good luck.

Absolutely I know Ive done this 😖

Fethiye
I know those situations ( although not with my son in law)
Before the grandchildren came along I would just walk out.
But that changed when they came along.
Now my daughter knows she can only go so far.
What you must do now is take care of your mental health.
Have you experienced anxiety attacks. Have a look on YouTube. There are some very good videos to help you.
Once you get a handle on your mental health you’ll deal with this situation much better.

They are walking all over you because you have allowed it to happen! At last you are standing your ground - good on you!! Leave them to struggle you have offered the olive branch so the ball is now firmly in their court! Good luck and don't ever feel guilty. 💐

Pity you sent that e mail, but you acted in the heat of the moment. You have apologised and if you can just carry of picking the children up as you did, I would continue. Let it go if you can. If they take you at your word and get other help to replace you, I would try one more time to clear the air but not back down about looking after the dog. After that I would step back. I used to constantly apologise and try to put everything right that was not my fault, I was treated with contempt. I have been estranged many years and realised long ago, nothing I said or did made any difference as in my case it was what she wanted and the love had gone. Normally people love their moms and that wont be what your daughter wants but try to keep your head and your dignity. What will be will be,

I would not be crawling back at this point.
Your DD lashes out because she can. She knows you'll always love her but while the puppy is being trained, while tension is so high, there's little you can do to heal things.
Sorry you have had such a hard life.
You definitely deserve better.

Oh dear.

You all had a big row.

What do you want to happen, going forward?

Hello Fethjiye.

I'm very sorry to read about the predicament you find yourself in.

You were of course right to say 'no' firmly to the puppy. It's important that they learn from a young age what is and is not acceptable, if they don't trouble lies ahead.

It sounds as if a lack of sleep due to cleaning up after the puppy may well have contributed to your D's outburst but even so, she shouldn't have spoken to you that way, especially in front of the children.

I can only assume that your frustration at being subjected to your D's verbal abuse, despite all the support you provide reached boiling point and it is this that led to you withdrawing your "services".

As an estranged parent myself, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to feel you had no choice at that moment but to make a stand. Estrangement from one adult child makes us wary of, and to a degree fearful that having lost one adult child, we could lose another.

You reacted out of anger and frustration, just as your D did. You say you've offered a olive branch but so far this has been ignored.

It may be better to give them time to calm down so that hopefully they'll reach a point where they are prepared to have an adult conversation about what's happened, and for you all to explore the underlying issues so that in the future, this can be avoided.