Advise needed please re estrangement from my brother.

Thank you Spaghetti & Ican Oh yes, that hindsight!

Yoginimeisje, it is good that you have managed to find a way to try to move forward. Hindsight is a wonderful thing when it comes to our reactions. I do hope things settle for you.

Yoginimeisje
You will feel better, I think, giving it another go in this way.

It's up to them to (fingers crossed) feel the same.
They may remember those happier days.

Thank you Avalon I don't see it blowing up in my face as I am just going to put on the gift saw this and thought of you, so I'll either get a friendly response, and hope that we have now moved on, or nothing will change, so yes, I will then let it be. Another Beatles song

Well done Yogi. You are the better person in sending the card and present. I just hope it doesn’t blow up in your face like it did in mine. Whatever you will have done your best and if you don’t get a reconciliation you will know you have tried. Then is the time to let it rest. I hope it works out for you.

Ican I really hesitated to put that on here because I knew it would be jumped on, but you've put it in a nice way, so thank you. Unfortunately, it is a truth about my personality, but as you say with age you realise it's not good and doesn't get the best results, so I do now try to hold back. Like I have now with my brother, I've gone from writing him a letter pointing out that it was him that actual caused the problem, to just sending a thoughtful gift & Xmas card.

I got to this decision by listening to the advice from all on here, so thanks everyone for your help.

Yes, an apology would have been good, but that would have been on the day of the funeral. We all meet at my mum & dad's bungalow, and I did say I did say 2 cars were needed S, but not sure if anyone heard it, I said it quietly. I would be reading my mum's eulogy at the service, so my mind was on that.

My problem is I blow up when something happens, but after cooling off, that's the end of it for me & I move on and get over it. I mean it's a disagreement between adults, family adults, which happens, especially when your mum has just died.

Yes, arguments do happen when people die because peoples' emotions are running high. However, I suspect that an apology for that blow up would have been appreciated and might have helped smooth things over.

If you have a tendency to blow up, maybe looking at the signal which you will get before you do and learn to walk away until you are able to discuss matters less angrily. I am somebody who used to do this but learned that the behaviour is quite destructive. Gradually it gets easier to be calmer and you actually get further! It's a win, win.

My problem is I blow up when something happens, but after cooling off, that's the end of it for me & I move on and get over it.

I think people who have a feisty (volatile) character are difficult to live with. I tend to avoid them wherever possible. Life is too short to endure uncomfortable verbal hand grenades in my opinion.

Thanks Esmay Yes, after that I can do no more.

Thanks for your input Jenpax

NotSpaghatti You can say "I'm so sorry you aren't in my life anymore", "I miss you" and "I wish I could turn the clock back" for example. Yes, very good, I may use that, thank you.

Thank you Smiles & Ican

My problem is I blow up when something happens, but after cooling off, that's the end of it for me & I move on and get over it. I mean it's a disagreement between adults, family adults, which happens, especially when your mum has just died. My mum & dad were in my life on a daily basis, we were close. For my s.i.l to hold a grudge for 13yrs is over-the-top, I think.

Hi Yogi ,
I really hope that it works .
Take care and a deep breath - if it doesn't work - you've really tried .

Thank you Esmay and sorry to hear about your family's unrest. Yes, I ordered that Beatles CD yesterday and bought a nice Xmas card with 'Brother and his wife' on it, the card is what I usually do send.

I think it depends on the circumstances and what you are trying to achieve. I have often apologised to my daughter because without doing so, I would have a rift which would mean I couldn't keep the lines of communication open to help her when she needs help for her mental health.
I will always apologise for the upset because I really feel sorry if I have upset someone even when I might be in the right. If I feel I am in the right, I may not apologise for that but more often than not, I'd sooner the argument didn't carry on. I will only stand my ground if it is really, really important and few things are.

I'm the same jenpax. Apologising for something you haven't said or done doesn't resolve the problem, just papers over the cracks.

I think this is where I struggle with emotional intelligence😱 I tend to be very black and white in that you apologise if you have done something wrong, but not just to keep the peace, although I can see how that is helpful and it probably explains a lot of fallings out I have had where I have rigidly stood on the right and wrong line 😳

Sometimes, by apologising, healing can ensue.
I'd stop looking at whether a person is to blame or not, jenpax as it's not going to improve the situation.

It's OK to say sorry in my opinion. You are not "absolving" others but there's often things we'd have done or said differently if only we'd known...
There are things I've said sorry for where I know that I wasn't anywhere near 100% to blame.

You can say "I'm so sorry you aren't in my life anymore", "I miss you" and "I wish I could turn the clock back" for example.

I wish you well Yoginimeisje

Jenpax, I like and respect Yoga, known her through this column for ten years. The reason I would apologise, but this is just my opinion, others think differently I know, is the fact that she was much closer to her mom and it might come over as if her brothers opinion wasn’t as valid. There’s no happiness to be had from scoring a point because your feelings are not validated. It doesn’t matter who makes up, that will be forgotten, what matters is now, do you care for that person can you put it right..

Allsorts

I think you need to examine why you want to make up? How the breakup happened. To simply write to your brother saying draw a line under it, the letter will go in the bin. On the other hand if you read back what you have written, you will see why an apology is required. . You saw a lot of your mother as did your grandchildren, your brother not so much but that doesn’t mean he didn’t love her as much. I do know that if you love someone you put things right. I know it’s hard but I would write a letter. I hope I haven’t offended you

I might be dim here but I really cannot see what the OP did wrong? She was told by brother to order one car and it was agreed that she and her 3 children would travel in that; he then kicked off about it, how does she owe him an apology?

Hi Yogi ,
Estrangement , anger , long term resentment , jealousy , misunderstanding , secrets , lies and lack of communication has almost completely destroyed my family .

You are not alone .

So I know exactly how you feel .

It's normal to agonise over what happened.
And normal to want to try and address it :
Do as I do - send a well thought out Christmas gift with your usual card .
The Beatles idea is a great one .
Wishing you luck .

Thank you Smiles.

Well Monica as you continue to repeat yourself, I will respond the same:

Monica I am listening to all the advice here as that's what I asked for and I have taken it all on board. It's good to hear others' opinions even if it's not what you want to hear, it makes you stop and think of things differently. Yes, the problem is with me. Why have you reposted your post as from Smiles??

So, I will try courage.

Smileless2012 I agree we can offer advice but there is a choice as to whether it is taken, but so often it seems that the OP isn't actually intending to take any notice of any advice other than that that agrees with the decision they have already made, and any advice that doesn't support their existing decision will be batted into the long grass, which is a bit of a waste of time, for people who respond sympathetically to the OP's dilemma and offer what they hope will be helpful advice.

There is a prayer that goes;

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Perhaps meditationg on it would be helpful.

Understandably where there's estrangement as we get older, it can play on our minds as we may worry about not getting the situation resolved before it's too late.

Asking for advice can give a different perspective and enable us to consider a point of view not thought about before, but it doesn't have to be taken M0nica and it's not wrong if someone chooses not too.

I hope that your gesture of enclosing the Beatles CD with their Christmas card yields results Yogin, and the lines of communication are opened again.

25Avalon Thanks for sharing your story, very sad and similar to mine. My brother on his own wouldn't do this but he does as he is told by his wife without making it obviously so & probably thinks it's he's idea too.

Wrelbeck he is my brother and getting older, I think because the opportunity to see him again after all these years was thwarted, it's made me think I would like to see him again and have a nice long chat & catch up. Not into counselling, don't need a doctor.

Monica I am listening to all the advice here as that's what I asked for and I have taken it all on board. As I've said before I've only started thinking about past events since not getting an invite to my nephew's party, didn't give it much thought before, just accepted it. It's good to hear others' opinions even if it's not what you want to hear, it makes you stop and think of things differently. My sister is not always right and maybe bias on their side. Yes, the problem is with me. It wasn't a trivial fall out, that's why it's lasted so long, and the problem was that it was the whole family invited, bar me.

I always had lots of parties and quite often would host for other family members always for my mum & dad, as I had the biggest house to accommodate everyone and enjoyed hosting, and everyone was invited, no one was left out.

OP it is you keeping it going after 13 years, not your brother. listen to what everyone is saying to you Forget it.

Get counselling to work out why you are so obsessed by a trivial fall out all those years ago. Your brother probably forgot about it years ago and beyond vaguely remembering that you disagreed he probably couldn't remember what about.

As families grow older and there are more generations below them, family events begin not to include all family members.

I was the first of my generation not to ask all my fathers siblings and their children to my wedding. I have no idea whether any of them took offence, it wasn't a rejection of any kind. It was just I wanted a small quiet wedding.

The problem you have is with you, not your brother.

Not that I think you will take any notice of anything anyone says on GN. You ask for advice but consciously or not you intend to rejec any advice that doesn't agree with you. That is why you have ignored your sister's very sensible advice.