Advise needed please re estrangement from my brother.

If this is still preying on your mind 13 years later, I think you need to let it go. It isn't healthy for you to still be turning it over in your mind. A letter after all this time wouldn't be helpful in mending a fractured relationship. I feel you should accept that your relationship with your brother and his family is distant

I agree with Grandmabatty. It's a shame when something happens at such a difficult time destroys a relationship.

13 years is a long time and TBH I doubt that sending a letter now would make any difference so let it go and enjoy the family relationships that you do have .

Thank you both for your replies, my sister said the same thing.

I don't think it's my brother as I did see him the Xmas after the funeral, so 8months on. He came round to exchange Xmas gifts, he met & had a photo with my new baby GD, so all seemed well. It only started troubling me when my nephew had his party and didn't invite me, even though I'd seen him, his fiancé & daughter quite a lot over the years.

If my sister-in-law thinks that I went into the funeral parlour and asked for one car which would be for me and my children, brother & sister and not giving a thought to her [s.i.l] or my b.i.l & nephews, I wouldn't blame her for cutting me out, but it wasn't like that at all, it was my brother, her H, that insisted on one car, not me and I would like her and the rest of her family to know that, as they must think me a rotten person if they think the afore mentioned happened.

Just let it go and try to stop thinking about it. Maybe you could message your brother at another time and suggest a meet-up on neutral ground. Don't bring the subject up but be friendly. Many husbands have to do what pleases their wives; perhaps that is what he is doing. It goes the other way too many wives have to obey their husband's wishes at times like funerals, weddings and Christenings.

I think if you aren't willing to let this go after all these years and say that you are sorry and wish you had handled things differently ie, direct children and partners coming equally before grandchildren... You aren't ready to resolve this

It was a stressful time for all of you and everyone's feelings mattered

I think you need to examine why you want to make up? How the breakup happened. To simply write to your brother saying draw a line under it, the letter will go in the bin. On the other hand if you read back what you have written, you will see why an apology is required. . You saw a lot of your mother as did your grandchildren, your brother not so much but that doesn’t mean he didn’t love her as much. I do know that if you love someone you put things right. I know it’s hard but I would write a letter. I hope I haven’t offended you

you need to forget it.
or seek counselling, as you sound a bit irrational to be so stuck on these details so long after the event.

I am sorry this happened but like others I fear it's too late now to repair the fractured relationships.

A cautionary tale though. An example of how emotions are so heightened around the death of a loved one, what seems a small mistake can be magnified into something massive.

When DMiL died earlier this year she left written instructions on the church service she wanted down to who should pour the drinks at the wake! We all obeyed to the letter.

Thanks everyone for your advice & opinions, no offence taken. I want to make up because he is my brother. As I said in my OP, not being invited to the party made me think back, hadn't done that till then.

I think it came as a bit of a shock that they could keep this going after 13yrs and get their son [my nephew] to not invite me, knowing I'd seen a lot of P over these years with no problem. I think it's such a shame for them to have not let it go and we could have had a nice reunion at P party and moved on. The thoughts on what had happened at the funeral would have then stayed buried.

So much estrangement in your life. Very sad.

Yoga, you can make up. You love your brother and your nephew, you couldn't just invite someone to a party you haven’t spoken to for 13 years even your sister, with no explanation or apology. It wouldn’t work. If you just say mistakes were made back then due to your grief and that you’re sorry you were insensitive, that you miss him. Who cares who makes up if it ends this , we all hesitate to do things because of pride, but that doesn’t matter, pride goes before a fall. If you’re rebuffed it’s as it is now, if it makes you two make up you will find peace and support, you need that with your daughter estranged. Two people who care for each other, letting life go by because neither will make the first move.

Thank you Allsorts It was my nephew's party not my brothers, but I think my sis-in-law told my nephew [her son] not to invite me. As we [bro & I] had exchanged Xmas & birthday cards over the years I thought it was just about not bothering to make the effort to see one another, but an exclusion from a party is a different thing altogether. My sister and I made up quite quickly afterwards, think we just started phoning each other and from there meeting up as before, so back to normal, as it should be.

I wasn't insensitive, it was my brother insisting on only one car when I said we need two, [he forgot to include his wife & my sister's H into the equation] that lead to the argument.

Think I will send Xmas cards as I usually do, and I was thinking of putting that new Beatles CD in and saying saw this and thought of you as I know he loves the Beatles.

saw this and thought of you is a lovely thought.

I would probably put how sorry I was to lose an important relationship with thrir family.

I'd be careful not to miss out his wife though so don't address the CD just to him. Address it to both of them but say because you know how much x used to love them.

This is a sad situation. Life is too short. Hope things can be resolved before another funeral.

Thank you NotSpaghetti. Yes, I'll try to say something that includes s.i.l.

Thanks Confusedbyitall

I was thinking more of a wedding than a funeral Caren.

I think that's a lovely idea Yogin and I hope if you do, I hope you get a kind response x

13 years is a long time to have fallen out over funeral arrangements. I think you need to just apologise to them, take the blame if you are desperate to reconcile and think that will be successful? I don't think it would be particularly helpful to blame your brother if you want reconciliation.

maybe your brother's wife just finds you difficult.
how were things 14 years ago, with her ?
some people just don't feel comfortable in another's company.
differing personalities.
she wants to feel relaxed at a family party.
so maybe it's just an increased difficulty since 13 years ago.
i don't know, obviously.
but you seem stuck on this thing about the mourning cars, that happened 13 years ago.
they probably don't want to be reminded of such a sad time.
you could have simply ordered and paid for an extra car at the time, instead of arguing about it.
you just have to let things go.
or else you are dragging down the enjoyment of life.
send a card, to the couple, be pleasant.
but don't expect too much.
all the best.

You’ve actually made up with your brother if you have met him without a problem and exchanged cards over the years. It would appear that he is happy to let bygones be bygones but it appears that maybe his wife hasn’t.
You say you want everyone to know it wasn’t you but your brother who ordered one car. So basically you want to make things better by blaming him! Can you see the irony of that?
My sister and I fell out for years when she did something really horrible to my daughter and we have had to put it behind us for the sake of my mother. If we ever discuss what happened, she is not prepared to take any responsibility for her actions whatsoever so it becomes a pointless and fractious discussion so I have learned to avoid it. Whilst we were estranged, my father’s side of the family could not see that actions have consequences and so any parties were held without my presence. I was very hurt especially as I maintained I would be civil and friendly within her presence. It was hard but I made my husband and kids my priority.

Thanks for replies everyone.

Sorry to hear that ican. As I've already said: If my s.i.l believes it was me that wanted only one car, I wouldn't blame her, but it was my brother insisting on just one, I think he forgot to calculate her in. It was only when I wasn't invited to my nephew's party, that I thought back as to why, I know it wasn't my nephew's idea, as we get on well.

Welbeck I did in the end order another car, but all too late, and yes, I look back and think why on earth did I not just say, right I'll order another car then My brother telling me to choose one of my C to be in the car and the others make their own way was upsetting.

From the beginning I felt my s.i.l didn't really want much to do with my brother's family. I did like her and pleased my brother & her married and we got on well, both having children in common. When their first baby arrived, my mum's first GC, my mum wasn't given the baby to hold, yet s.i.l's mum was continually asked to hold the baby. This upset my mum and later my dad phoned my brother to let him know how upset mum was, all was well after that as far as I know, but I was living abroad then, so not there.

When I returned from living abroad, I was never invited to their 'do's, I gave it little thought, just thinking that my invite would equate to 5, whereas my sister was just her. My dad said once ^ are you invited to S party^ I replied no dad, I never am, I'm not bothered so don't worry about it, I'm not, but my dad said that he was going to tell my brother that if I wasn't invited, he and my mum wouldn't be going as it wasn't right. After that I always got an invite, but once my dad passed away, it went back to how it was before.

I've always got on with my brother, he is very amicable & agreeable, quiet & placid. He is 6yrs older then me, 3yrs older than my sister, so maybe they were closer, not sure.

My biggest advice to you Yoginimeisje is to stop agonising. I am estranged from my brother and sil and have been for 14 years now following mum’s death and he not liking I disagreed with one of his executor decisions so he cut me off completely. I agonised for years and tried the olive branch but all to no avail. An invite to DD’s wedding was returned addressed to dh and myself as Mr and Mrs. Sil returned a birthday present unopened on the anniversary of my son’s death. So I stopped agonising how the breach could be healed as it wasn’t going to be and finally came to accept I no longer have a brother. Very sad but it’s his choice. Write a letter to your brother by all means but if it comes back negative or not at all just accept and eventually the hurt will fade.

Op, the fact that you are still going over the details of who said what when, why, and to whom from years ago, is not healthy.
you. have. to. let. it. go.
you are making your life more difficult than it need be.
send friendly seasonal greetings to you brother and his wife, and leave it at that.
it sounds frankly childish to be going over and over, he said, she said.
are you having counselling, or could you.
have you spoken to your GP.
none of us here are blaming you for anything.
you don't have to justify yourself, to us or anybody.
but it's like watching someone scorching their hand by continually putting it over a flame, and then discussing why they reached in that direction, rather than stop doing it.
please try to look after yourself.
and step away from all this re-living, agonising.
maybe your sil doesn't like you. it happens.
so what. concentrate on people you get on with.

OP it is you keeping it going after 13 years, not your brother. listen to what everyone is saying to you Forget it.

Get counselling to work out why you are so obsessed by a trivial fall out all those years ago. Your brother probably forgot about it years ago and beyond vaguely remembering that you disagreed he probably couldn't remember what about.

As families grow older and there are more generations below them, family events begin not to include all family members.

I was the first of my generation not to ask all my fathers siblings and their children to my wedding. I have no idea whether any of them took offence, it wasn't a rejection of any kind. It was just I wanted a small quiet wedding.

The problem you have is with you, not your brother.

Not that I think you will take any notice of anything anyone says on GN. You ask for advice but consciously or not you intend to rejec any advice that doesn't agree with you. That is why you have ignored your sister's very sensible advice.

25Avalon Thanks for sharing your story, very sad and similar to mine. My brother on his own wouldn't do this but he does as he is told by his wife without making it obviously so & probably thinks it's he's idea too.

Wrelbeck he is my brother and getting older, I think because the opportunity to see him again after all these years was thwarted, it's made me think I would like to see him again and have a nice long chat & catch up. Not into counselling, don't need a doctor.

Monica I am listening to all the advice here as that's what I asked for and I have taken it all on board. As I've said before I've only started thinking about past events since not getting an invite to my nephew's party, didn't give it much thought before, just accepted it. It's good to hear others' opinions even if it's not what you want to hear, it makes you stop and think of things differently. My sister is not always right and maybe bias on their side. Yes, the problem is with me. It wasn't a trivial fall out, that's why it's lasted so long, and the problem was that it was the whole family invited, bar me.

I always had lots of parties and quite often would host for other family members always for my mum & dad, as I had the biggest house to accommodate everyone and enjoyed hosting, and everyone was invited, no one was left out.