Contact after falling out

Can I just say that when my DH died, I did of course appreciate the cards, but I was even more glad to get the few hand-written letters.
Now, when I hear of a bereavement (too many nowadays) I write a letter mentioning my memories of the person who has died.
I begin to feel that a card, though better than nothing, is a bit of a lazy way of sending condolences.
In this case, however, I probably would send a card, if only as an acknowledgment of a past friendship and recognition of your ex-friend's pain. I received a card from an ex-friend on the death of my DH, but made no reply.

I would definitely send her a condolence card and maybe put in a little message for her to give you a call and add your number in case she has misplaced. I had a friend reach out to me after we stopped speaking and it’s lovely having back in my life

I see it differently than most. If it was me and I received your card I’d think oh you didn’t wish to make contact when all was good but now you feel obliged to.
I think I’d let her do her grieving before contact.
Also do you expect to rekindle friendship or just send condolences then no more contact as that’s hurtful I feel. Maybe rethink what you wish to come out of the contact first.

Send the card with your condolences, but leave it at that.
If she wishes to get into contact, she will, but it’s very likely that she won’t.

A pp nailed it

Etiquette and doing what's right are two different things.

Etiquette is what society tells us is polite, not what the other person may needs

May need, my bad

If YOU want to, send a card.
It could be as simple acknowledgement of a bereavement or an “open door” for a response. It’s up to you.

Having help my best friend who had cancer it was very difficult to watch her fade away with her adult children. I would have thought if she was that good a friend you would want to comfort her in her hours of need. and put aside your differences after all you were a good friend for 35yrs to each other. Like others have said drop a card with a note. Then you have started the olive branch. Me and my friend had many an argument about stuff but we were always there for each other

I agree send a condolence card and see if your friend reacts to it .

Labradora’s message is very good.

Keep your initial sympathy greeting heartfelt without any attempt of “explanation.” Even if you send your card in a week or two, I’m sure she would appreciate another note of condolence when cards might be drying up.

Please accept whatever your friend does - to contact you or not. This may rekindle your friendship or it may not. We (here) do not know what the circumstances were back then.

Send a card or letter by all means, but mention after your condolences that you regret the riff and hope she will consider getting in touch.

I am not so sure sending condolences being as you heard from another friend about the death, I would be a little reluctant to send a card in view of your friendship history, she just might not appreciate it.

I would definitely send a card and then maybe a few months down the line follow up with a note including your present contact details. At such a sad time it might be very much appreciated.

Do you want to try to revive your friendship? If so, this is not the right time. But a little bit down the road might be.

Do you not want to renew the friendship? In that case, the kind thing would be to leave her alone.

For all those asking would you bother to contact OP’s friend if her husband had not passed away, I think you’re missing the point of her quandary. It is often only when someone close to us or indeed to our estranged friend, as in this case, that we realize how short life is and how pointless a quarrel may have been. Send the card, OP, and mention some nice memory of her husband, and leave it to her to recognize the kindness you mean in the gesture.

I’d send a card and include a message about being available for anything that she mi need.

The point is that no matter how good OPs intentions are, it is the recipient whose needs matter more in this situation

If there is any chance a card will not be received well, it should not be sent

VioletSky

The point is that no matter how good OPs intentions are, it is the recipient whose needs matter more in this situation

If there is any chance a card will not be received well, it should not be sent

Disagree, she should send the card, and tell her friend she is there if she needs her. The friend can decide what she does after that.

If the friend needed OP's support, she could have reached out to the OP

It honestly feels a little predatory to me, taking advantage of a tragedy to reach out without addressing the cause of the break up first.

VioletSky

The point is that no matter how good OPs intentions are, it is the recipient whose needs matter more in this situation

If there is any chance a card will not be received well, it should not be sent

So a one in a hundred chance a card will not be well received don't send it? How is the OP to know? She can only go by her own well intentioned feelings.

Someone who had been a friend, although we had drifted apart, I know learned of my last cancer through another mutual friend. That she didn't even bother to make any contact in such circumstances when I'd totally supported her through the loss of her husband some years before really hurt. I'd have thought a 'thinking of you and wishing you a good outcome' card wouldn't have taxed her. I know she has faith so a simple "I'll pray for you" message via our mutual friend would have meant something.
I suppose our different opinions merely reflect our own attitudes and motives. I try to offer sympathy and support to anyone I know who's suffering, no matter any past differences.

I was in a similar position I lost contact with a friend of many years through a situation which wasn’t resolved. We exchanged Christmas cards over the years but that was all until I heard through a mutual friend that her husband has died some months earlier, I still had her phone number and called her and apologised for not getting in touch before she promised to call to see me but never did so I left it at that. Two weeks ago my husband died quite unexpectedly and I tried to contact people to let them know before they read it either on line or in the local paper, I phoned my old friend and her number was disconnected luckily my great niece knows her granddaughter so was able to pass on the message through Facebook. The funeral is tomorrow and I was hoping she would attend but today I have received a sympathy card from her all it said was ….To Celie and family, I know how you are feeling now take care Chris……No phone number no address nothing else, so yes I was pleased she had sent the card but strangely very hurt by the message as she had always got on well with my husband in fact we socialised a lot together and no she obviously doesn’t want anything to do with me or my family.
Yes by all means send a card or write a note or make a call but please be a bit kinder with the message you write as words can mean a lot at this side time in a persons life.

Thank you everyone.

My initial shock has subsided and after reading your replies I have decided to wait a while and then I'll reconsider.

I'm still unsure if I want to reconcile. The initial fall out was with my best friend, and once this 2nd friend, whose husband just died, got wind of our disagreement she really pushed to end the friendship we all shared.

Since then I ran into my bestie at our schools 100 year anniversary gathering and she approached me, we had a quick chat which was lovely. Unfortunately the deceased's wife (2nd friend) virtually ran across the room and grabbed my bestie and gave me a filthy look as they walked away.

It all sounds quite childish and it was very painful for me at the time. It had been a 3 way friendship for many years which like a lot of friendships erupted on occasion. I don't think I want to go back to the pettiness which may ensue even though I do feel terribly for her loss.

We have a 50 year school reunion coming up this year, I think I'll test the waters as this time approaches. I can see both sides of the equation and think I may err on the side of caution for now.

I'm glad I reached out, the varied responses you have given me alternative viewpoints to consider. Thanks again.

As you are unsure if you want to reconcile Dorrain, my advice is to not send a card. Doing so may give her the impression that you do.

It seems this lady took the side of your best friend, and was not happy to see possible signs of your relationship with your former best friend being re-established.

Since the estrangement was not of your doing, I can't see anything wrong with you sending a condolence card, especially if you are likely to see her at the school reunion.

Dorrain that's a horrible situation, I truly don't understand why people are like that, jealousy is such a destructive emotion. I think you have made a good decision... The reunion would be a much better place/time to say hello