Contact after falling out

May need, my bad

A pp nailed it

Etiquette and doing what's right are two different things.

Etiquette is what society tells us is polite, not what the other person may needs

Send the card with your condolences, but leave it at that.
If she wishes to get into contact, she will, but it’s very likely that she won’t.

I see it differently than most. If it was me and I received your card I’d think oh you didn’t wish to make contact when all was good but now you feel obliged to.
I think I’d let her do her grieving before contact.
Also do you expect to rekindle friendship or just send condolences then no more contact as that’s hurtful I feel. Maybe rethink what you wish to come out of the contact first.

I would definitely send her a condolence card and maybe put in a little message for her to give you a call and add your number in case she has misplaced. I had a friend reach out to me after we stopped speaking and it’s lovely having back in my life

Can I just say that when my DH died, I did of course appreciate the cards, but I was even more glad to get the few hand-written letters.
Now, when I hear of a bereavement (too many nowadays) I write a letter mentioning my memories of the person who has died.
I begin to feel that a card, though better than nothing, is a bit of a lazy way of sending condolences.
In this case, however, I probably would send a card, if only as an acknowledgment of a past friendship and recognition of your ex-friend's pain. I received a card from an ex-friend on the death of my DH, but made no reply.

Sending condolences does seem to be the correct etiquette but would you be even thinking of contacting your friend had her husband not passed away? Your friendship obviously ended for a reason and if you end up sending a condolences card just to be " seen to be doing the right thing" with no thought of rekindling a friendship, then I wouldn't bother.
Would seem very false were I the unfortunate recipient.

I agree that sending a condolence card is the kind and appropriate thing to do.
It's not selfish because you're doing it for her , not for you.
If , over and above your expression of sympathy, your ex-friend sees an opportunity to reconcile , well that would be a good thing.
She may of course not follow up with contact (I agree give her plenty of time) and you would have to accept that.

I'd send a card, let her know you're thinking about her at this sad time. If you leave it now, then I'd not send one in the future. How hurt would she be if she responded and when she told you her husband had died you replied that yes you had heard but hadn't bothered to send condolences?

rafichagran

Send a polite condolence card.If your friend makes contact you may have a chance of reignited the friendship.
I don't agree that sending a card is making it all about you. It's the polite thoughtful thing to do.

I did clearly say, that is how I feel and a risk I would not want to take

Many situations that end in a severed relationship, it is because both parties think they are right... So if the other person believed me to be the bad guy in the situation, hearing from me would feel like I was intruding on their grief... Especially if I hadn't reached out for 10 years and had heard from a third party about the situation...

I wouldn't personally want to risk that

I'd wait for a random rainy day where the only reason I was making contact was because I missed them

This is an awkward situation :
It depends how your friendship ended and who initiated the end .
I think that I would be tempted just send a card to express my condolences , but this is really up to you .

Do you want to be friends with her again ?
I'm wondering how I would respond to one of my friends if I received such sad news .
We were great friends for 30 years .
Her husband told her that she couldn't have anything to do with me anymore , because I knew all about her affair , encouraged it and provided (unknown to me) alibis .

At one stage , I gave her daughter a home to help her manage financially and my reward was -having my house trashed and been sworn at by her .
So I think that I would not want to rekindle our relationship .

I agree with VS

It does depend why the friendship ended.

Send a polite condolence card.If your friend makes contact you may have a chance of reignited the friendship.
I don't agree that sending a card is making it all about you. It's the polite thoughtful thing to do.

I suppose it depends on why you fell out. Was it due to you or her ?
However I would send a condolence card and leave it up to her .

Someone, who I thought was a very good friend, lost her husband last year. I visited to offer condolences and went to the funeral. Rang her after that to see how she was doing. Knowing that she could not drive, I offered to help out with shopping etc. She never ever called me back. I took the hint and never called her again. There are friends for a reason and friends for a season.
In your case, send her a Card and leave the ball in her court.
Good luck !

I would wait for a random rainy day and not risk being the last person she wanted to hear from during what must be an extremely traumatic time

I wouldn't want to risk making another person's grief about me

Because it could go either way, a 35 year old friendship does not die without an upsetting reason

I agree with those above who said send a card.

Send a card, the worst thing that can happen is that she will ignore it. On the other hand, it may be just the gesture to heal the rift.

Or VS it might lead to the healing of a friendship that once meant a lot and could do so again. Send a sincerely thoughtful card, and then let her decide whether or not to respond.

After 10 years, I would not send a card... It might reopen old wounds that have healed

Please send a card now. I got in touch with someone I hadn’t seen/spoken to in over 30 years when I heard that her husband had died. We are now in contact via emails, texts and phone calls because we live 200 miles apart. You will regret it if you don’t get in touch and something happens to her.

I was in the same situation with a former work colleague. I thought we were close friends but after she retired we did not keep in touch. I sent a card when her husband died, but she did not get back in touch. No matter. It was the right thing to do.

As other have said, send a card.

Yes, definitely send a condolences card. She will know you are thinking of her. Don't expect her to reply, though, at least for a while.

I would definitely send her your condolences and tell her you are thinking of her.. include your contact details.. it's the loving way to behave..