separation from children and grandchildren anxiety

@Gran2and3
I might be heading down the NC route and I suffer terribly from anxiety. My health has declined massively since my situation has unfolded . Additionally my partner of 20 years died suddenly and unexpectedly in January 2023 , so losing your person means losing your support doesn’t it . I’m in some dreadful medication at the moment which doesn’t suit me at all - I can’t get an appointment with the mental health team to review this either . This is making me worse . I can only imagine your pressing need to want a resolution to your estrangement. @Smiles used a phrase called “ the hope devil “ ( I think ) and this is something that makes all this much worse. Hope can be such a positive thing , but conversely it can destroy you too . My situation has been deteriorating for a few months now and I’ve tried to gain a level of acceptance. It doesn’t mean I’m happy with this but I have been helped by so much advice on here in the space of a week that I’ve developed some perspective. Mainly the acceptance has come about through the realisation that my son has changed into a person I no longer like . I love him dearly and I will be receptive to him should he prove to me that he’s capable of change and can be trusted. With my DIL it might take more than this - she’s hurt me deeply and as a fellow mother she’s been incredibly cruel . I’m not allowed to see my grandson due end of March . He will be my only GS from an only son , particularly painful really. Since I’ve tried to accept what’s going on , I feel I have more control over this . I’ve been advised to walk away from unpleasantness for example, also to tackle him when he delivers cruel insults together with various expletives. I’ve been doin this ( we speak once a week and see each other once a week currently) and my self esteem is higher leading to less situational anxiety . My generalised anxiety is the same - that’s enduring . I would echo the advice given by others which is to try , as best you can to be realistic about reconnecting. Something to think about might be what if you reconciled then were let down again- your anxiety would suffer . It’s such a horrible situation for you and I personally think your children will live with eternal regret if they don’t attempt to put things right pretty soon . Of course I don’t know if they will , but I hope your anxiety eases slightly because it is horrible to live with isn’t it

Hope you're OK Gran2and3 .

I feel for you very much. I have had to learn that however much we want our children they sometimes don’t feel te same and you cant make anyone care if they don't. That’s brutal I know, we invest so much love and time into bringing them up, they never stop being part of us.and sometimes they either don’t like us very much or we are too much bother. You have to stop making this the centre of your thoughts, they know where you are, you are getting older and life is passing you by, live for you. Now, although I must admit to having dark times and feel inadequate amongst people who are important to their children, I can snap out of it by thinking, they have the lives they chose and I hope they are happy. After 10 years they are very different people, it’s been so long for me I couldn’t meet up now.
I love your attitude Wonderful, looking after your mother for 35 years is no mean feat, I don’t think I could have done it.

Gran2and3 hasn't seen her son for 10 years, and has had no contact at all with her D for several weeks, despite them previously seeing one another every couple of weeks. WonderfulLife.

This isn't a case of wanting to be the centre of their lives. For a mother who hasn't seen her son for 10 years, a sudden change in her relationship with her D is bound to be upsetting and stressful.

Unfortunately, not every parent does know that if they ever needed their AC, they would be there for them.

They have their own lives, as do our two sons. I have not heard from them for four weeks and when I do it is just on WhatsApp where they leave photos of what they are doing, nothing specific for me, but it keeps me in touch with their lives. I do not want to be the centre of their lives, my late husband and I looked after my mum for 35 years after my dad died the year after we married and I would not wish that on anyone, our lives were taken up every single day with my mothers demands, so I have tried to do everything for myself. It has kept me active, my mind active and I don't ask them for anything. I do know that if ever I needed them they would be there but by doing everything for myself, I am an 81 year old, very fit, very intelligent, computer literate person and very, very independent. Long may it last.

Well said Smiles - sad but very true.

and to not just exist.

Hello Gran2and3. Over the 11 plus years I've been here on GN and during that time a couple of other online forums for estranged parents, two things I have read have stayed with me.

The first is reluctant acceptance. As much as we wish that things were different, that our estranged adult child(ren) would relent and come back into our lives, there comes a point where we have to accept that it's at best extremely unlikely and at worse, never going to happen.

The second, is an estranged mother referring to 'the hope devil'. Has there ever been an EP who hasn't repeated to themselves that well known mantra that 'where there's life there's hope'? I doubt it.

Sadly, when it comes to estrangement life doesn't for many equate with hope which is why it's often referred too as a living bereavement. We grieve for the loss of our child(ren) and try to cope with our bereavement for someone still living.

What you're experiencing with your son is very low contact. The occasional calls, gifts and cards are maintaining a tenuous parent/child link. For whatever reason, he is not ready to sever all contact so is staying in touch from a distance and in a way that gives him total control over the method and frequency.

That cannot be easy for you .

Your daughter on the other hand appears to have stopped all contact, and having had so much regular contact with her in the past, I don't have to imagine how devastating that is; I know.

I'm assuming that when your son calls, you talk and accept the cards and gifts he send. Do you send cards and gifts to him, your GC and his partner? Letting go of the hope that at some point in the future you will be involved in his and his families life, is not writing him off.

Similarly, having tried to reach out to your D which I'm sure you've done but still getting nothing back, letting go of the hope that things will change, that she'll get in touch is not writing her off.

Letting hope go enables you to live your life, to have a life and we owe it to ourselves and to those we share our lives with and who love us to do what Whiff has put so well, to live our lives and to just exist .

Gran2and3 I decided last year to give my son who estranged me via email in 2020 one last chance. It was only the third time I had text him . I had decided if I got silence or abuse back I am done as the only person hurting was me. I had abuse so I let go. I will never contact him again. I have 3 grandson's with him the eldest 2 I knew but don't even know the name or date of birth of their brother. I knew they where expecting another boy because my son told me before the estrangement. I didn't see it coming as we had a lovely time 4 days before on my birthday he came round after work COVID rules in place. He talked about putting paving down in my garden to make it safer . I said he hadn't got the time working long hours and with a new baby on the way. My grandsons had done drawings for me. Then 4 days later a text saying I have sent you an email don't contact me. And he sent his sister one as well. But they haven't got on for years and she never got on with her sister in law. My daughter in law has always been jealous of my daughter.

I still love my son but the son I knew for 32 years no idea who he is now. I miss my grandson's even the one I never met. They are 7,5 and 3 now. If my son wants me back in his life he knows where I live . But it will be on my terms and he has a lot of explaining to do . But I know I will never see him again and accepted that.

My husband dieing in 2004 aged 47 has hurt me far worse than what my son and daughter in law have written about me. So I am done . Next move is theirs.

I am lucky have a wonderful daughter,son in law and 2 grandson's who I see regularly.

Live is to short for what if's. I was born disabled with a hole in my heart and it was my fit healthy husband who got Cancer and died. I lost half of myself the minute he took his last breath and haven't been whole since. Grief never dies like love. And the grief I feel over my husband is worse as the years go by as he has missed him so much. But learnt to cope.

My husband didn't choose to leave me my son did .

Don't put your life on hold waiting for something that may never happen . My husband made me promise to live my life to the full and I do. But only since I moved here to live closer to my children. I used to live over 100 miles away. But after my husband died had both parents and mother in law to look after . So couldn't live my life until they died so for 15 years I existed and didn't live the life I wanted .

Moving gave me my life back but apart from my son's estrangement I have more positives in my life. And since I moved I am happy. I don't live in the same area of the city where my son lives as it's 40 mins away in a car . So there is never any chance I would see him . Which I am glad of.

I know it's hard but you have to put yourself first. Don't hold on to false hope . You say you have anxiety but you are only making it worse . You need to come to terms with what's happened I know it's hard but you are hurting yourself and your health is suffering.

I know someone will say go to counselling but that won't help the only person who can help is you . Have you read the support thread you will see you aren't alone . The long termers there Smiles ,Yogin and Allsorts helped me so much and without them I would cope like I do.

Live your life don't just exist .💐

Thanks Gran2and3 and Grandof4 I m glad you understand why I wondered
Although you haven’t said much Gran2ad3 I presume you mean you are estranged from your family and are worried
you ll never be in contact before your days are up That is so sad and I can totally understand why this is ruining your life

Have you sought any counselling to come to terms with this great sadness or any ways of looking for a third person to help with finding ways of contact
There is a group on here for estrangement with many people in your position would it be helpful to talk to others who have this sadness in their lives ? It’s unimaginable for those of us not estranged
Sending a hug 💐

I feel for you, I don't know what being estranged from your children feels like, (even though I have this panic and fear of the same happening), I can only imagine it hurts like hell!

I do hope you have someone to talk to, being someone who suffers with rumination and castrophizing along with anxiety and depression. My mind has it's own ways to trick me into thinking, what I'm thinking is truth.
But......
This is My hope for you~
I hope you find love and peace, within yourself, for yourself. I hope you find happiness and joy, within yourself, for yourself. & I hope you find compassion and comfort, within yourself, for yourself. And if you need to talk it out, we are only 1 screen away.

Blue Bell...totally different person, Pinky swear. Anxiety is horrible and I feel for anyone who deals with it.

No connection. I suffer from anxiety and being estranged makes it worse. I keep hoping it will resolve but feel helpless to do anything about it. There are years involved. I am not able to give up and write both my son and daughter out of my life. I have not seen my son for 10 years. But he calls once in a while and sends cards and gift cards. I was seeing my daughter every couple of weeks until I made a suggestion I come over and bring cinnamon rolls for Christmas dinner. No word since.

Are you related to Grand4 whose having terrible anxiety issues about poisoning her grandson
2 new posters with anxiety problems or just one poster with two similar names
This seems very strange ???