Is “ No Contact “ abuse ?

Well she couldnt say that Smileless as they drove 75 miles to visit! And my FiL plonked himself down, loved the food and raved about it and generally enjoyed himself. MiL always "couldnt eat" whatever was on the table as it didnt "agree with her" and then after minute portions on her plate would have second large helpings of everything!!

Whenever we visited I was always hugely complimentary of the cooking although as I don't eat meat (dislike the texture) and this was ignored and dismissed as as "a fad" ...(not eaten it since I was 20) ...I did used to quietly pop it on my husband's plate and eventually just left it on the side and if it was mentioned would just say "I don't eat meat as I dont like the texture but it must be beautifully cooked as everyone else has an empty plate!" She gave up in the end!

No arguments just quiet sticking to my own boundaries and didn't question her boundaries unless they interfered with mine! When it came to the kids it got a bit difficult when money was given to "the boy who will carry the name on" and nothing given to our daughter...Mr Madgran and I quietly informed that unless the children were treated equally neither would get anything and the reasons would be explained to grandson (he was 4 at the time!). It never happened again! 😏

Did your m.i.l. used to say 'I'm not staying' too Madgran? My m.i.l. never did because she always stayed regardless and never did the handbag thing either but my goodness, her body language could say it all.

With Mr. S. and the boys seeing m.i.l. without me, I no longer had to tolerate her shenanigans. Your mum did well MissA.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I can always remember seeing my nan, so I assume my mum must have been very tolerant of her shenanigans, even if it hurt her.

Smileless2012

It's so good to have you back on GN MissA .

Yes it is!

MissAdventure

I'm sure it hurt my mum, looking back on it now.
Apparently, nan cried that her boy knew nothing about the "birds and bees" when he and mum decided to marry.
I think he was 29!

Dear me MisAdventure ..... funnily enough my MIL ws a bit like that with the handbag stuff and similar. I just ignored it and smiled and we developed a friendly relationship with some definite boundaries established, for many years. Must have hurt your mum though.

Oh thank you.

It's so good to have you back on GN MissA .

She also cried on a coach trip and had to be comforted, when my dad got on and she saw his hair was down to his collar.
She thought he had become a hippy!

Good grief I wonder why she came up with that delusion.

I'm sure it hurt my mum, looking back on it now.
Apparently, nan cried that her boy knew nothing about the "birds and bees" when he and mum decided to marry.
I think he was 29!

Good point MissA @ 8.36. If a m.i.l. is indeed a narcissist, she wont have become so overnight when her son or daughter married.

Your description of your nan "clutching her handbag like a shield" and never removing her hat because she wasn't staying did make me smile, but it must have been very difficult and hurtful for your mum.

There without a doubt some very difficult in law's out there Gwyllt. Mine was pretty awful too, to the extent that I had no contact with her for several years but she continued to see her son and our boys.

Our relationship changed quite quickly when my f.i.l. died and we became very close. She still had her moments but we ended up loving one another and I miss her now she's gone.

For a long time I wasn't "good enough for her boy" MissA but I think I became 'good enough' in the end.

Yes, I've a couple of friends who had to be quite forcibly put into their rightful places when their sons found wives, and rightly so.

My nan used to come round clutching her handbag like a shield, and would never take her hat off as she "wasn't staying".
She didnt think my mum was good enough for her boy.

Gwyllt I'm sorry that you went through that. Very hard and painful for you and your husband.

MissAdventure yes very true. Which does seem to suggest that every case is different and not always "narcissism"! Sometimes it's just human behaviour, possibly misjudged, within stressful situations. Sometimes responses might be exacerbated by other previous events and behaviours. Who knows except those involved, as every case is different

These "narcissistic" mother in laws weren't mothers in laws all their lives.
So, presumably, they were narcissistic daughters in law in their younger years?

It has taken me a long time to decide to write this and I am not trying to make any similarity to anyone
In my case no contact would have been very positive but that was not what I was persuaded to do
I was the daughter-in-law in a very toxic relationship
My mother-in-law did not attend my brother-in-law’s wedding
She did attend my wedding to her son, but turned up very unkempt And did not attend the reception
I guess my sin was marrying her son and having his children
This woman was very manipulative and unpleasant she told lies to anyone who would listen including phoning his place of work My brother-in-law and his wife eventually went no contact
Her lies drove a wedge between her sons that lasted about 15 years
I decided to try and be positive cos that’s what husband wanted
Once she retired husband had lunch with her every week and we visited her with family about once a month She would frequently phone up just before we were about to set off and say she had another arrangement or occasionally would just not be in
Likewise if she was due to visit us she would cancel or not turn up she had a car
She was attention seeking to anyone who she made feel sorry for her cos her family were so awful
When our boys were teenagers she move to sheltered housing in a village about four miles from us she was fairly fit and walked the dog three times a day
She came to us most Sunday afternoon and had her supper with us
She had a new set of people to tell her tale of woe to
We had the same GP snd even he said how sorry he was when he realised the relationship
To give you some indication of her manipulative powers she manage to get herself into daycare placements four days a week
Other son now back in contact took her shopping one day a week
Before returning home he would bring any paper work round and have a coffee before his hours journey home
This was not liked by mother in law One of her day care places was the local cottage hospital I knew people who worked there and apparently she told anyone who would listed that I was having an affair with my brother in law
I could go on and on but one last point she tried to drive a wedge between me and my boys
What she said to my husband I have never been told
With greater awareness of narcissism I think I would definitely attract that label
So I am aware of passive aggression and not speaking as a way of manipulation
No contact would have made life so much easier I tried I really did try
My sister in law never did make contact but who knows the actual effect as she remained so bitter

Allsorts

Omg children!

It may come over like that Allsorts but that is not the intention on my part. I feel strongly that criticism given should be based on accurate facts not generalisations, that's all, but I've been unable to get that point over apparently. Oh well, so be it.

I'm sorry, I can be a bit more plain. I'm not debating my comment with you. I'm not obligated to engage you. I am sure others are more interested in a back and forth with you about the various posts from this OP. I am simply am not one of them. I hope that clears some things up for you

I'd already withdrawn from the conversation any way! And I dont need anything "cleared up for me" as I'm not missing the point, but whatever! 🙄

Omg children!

Ladysuisei

@SingoTime

Don’t want to be rude or anything but have you ever heard the phrase “ less is more “ .
Less waffle , more factually correct information and sticking to the point might have got your reply a read . As it stands , I really couldn’t make it past the first third …….
[Do you always post like this ………….

The facts that matter are that your daughter in law has put distance between the two of you--which is NOT abusive. Your relationship with your son is on the rocks. Your son will stand by his wife and scapegoating her will not end well...for you.

You may find this all amusing, but my mother in law behaved like you are now. Over a decade later and she has no parts in her son's life. No parts of our children. She also fashions herself a victim of her daughter in law's influence. Less is more. Less self-pity and more support toward your son would do you wonders. I don't condone the way he speaks to you, but I also don't condone telling adults they shouldn't keep their boundaries. They know what's best for themselves, and keeping you at a distance is not wrong. I really do hope one day you gain the self-awareness you need to prevent yourself from joining a really unfortunate club of people estranged from family. Truly, I do.

Madgran77

*Singco. My comment and advice wasn't for you. Whether YOU feel it is helpful isn't something I'm concerned with. I can't really say it any other way Madgran*

Well as you appear to be misunderstanding my point I also dont know how else to say that I am NOT talking about me or about it being helpful or otherwise to me!! I cannot imagine why you might consider that I would have thought you were addressing me per se as you made it quite clear that you were addressing the OP!

I am talking about criticism based on inaccurate statements/criticism bring unhelpful to WHOEVER IT IS BEING GIVEN TO!! In this case to the OP as it states that she is only doing something and that is not the case!

I see no point in continuing this and derailing the thread. I am sure other posters will get the point. If you dont then so be it!

I hope the OP can glean something helpful from the advice given by many posters!!

I'm sorry, I can be a bit more plain. I'm not debating my comment with you. I'm not obligated to engage you. I am sure others are more interested in a back and forth with you about the various posts from this OP. I am simply am not one of them. I hope that clears some things up for you.

VioletSky Those would be words to be treasured, said calmly and sincerely, no ifs or buts
....
Madgran I'm sorry VS I'm confused about which words you mean?

As you havent responded to my query above VS I'm going to make a guess that you were referring to this comment by Sago

"just calmly asked me how we could move forward and what she could do to allow her be a part in our family".

If that is the case(apologies if I'm wrong) then I agree with you. Calmly and sincerely, no ifs or buts in that context, is a good way forward.

Ok Smileless

Singco. My comment and advice wasn't for you. Whether YOU feel it is helpful isn't something I'm concerned with. I can't really say it any other way Madgran

Well as you appear to be misunderstanding my point I also dont know how else to say that I am NOT talking about me or about it being helpful or otherwise to me!! I cannot imagine why you might consider that I would have thought you were addressing me per se as you made it quite clear that you were addressing the OP!

I am talking about criticism based on inaccurate statements/criticism bring unhelpful to WHOEVER IT IS BEING GIVEN TO!! In this case to the OP as it states that she is only doing something and that is not the case!

I see no point in continuing this and derailing the thread. I am sure other posters will get the point. If you dont then so be it!

I hope the OP can glean something helpful from the advice given by many posters!!

@SingoTime

Don’t want to be rude or anything but have you ever heard the phrase “ less is more “ .
Less waffle , more factually correct information and sticking to the point might have got your reply a read . As it stands , I really couldn’t make it past the first third …….
[Do you always post like this ………….