Strength after narcissistic abuse

I did offer to do counselling with my mother but she just laughed at me

I realise not all counsellors are great but I think even just being able to sit in a room with a neutral person who has at least some training or experience to help keep a conversation from becoming an argument would probably help most people

I don't think we are ever free from the past no matter what we do Sara. Our past if only in part shapes us and to a lesser or greater extent, contributes to who we are today.

I do agree that it's important to try to not let the past distract us from the present, but it's human nature where there have been particularly difficult and unpleasant relationships to try and work out why someone is the way they are, and has done the things they've done, even though time and time again we may fail to find the answers.

Well said, choughdancer.

I agree, Violetsky always shows great restraint

Ladysuisei

@VioletSky what in earth are you on about ?

Why this nasty comment? It seems to me that VS has posted what she is 'on about' very clearly and shows sensitivity and care to other people who have suffered enormous abuse like she has. Several of your posts on this thread seem unkind and uncalled for.

VS has shown strength and courtesy in not responding to this comment.

I think therapy is probably extremely helpful in some circumstances for some people.
I personally would find it a bit self indulgent, I would rather put it all behind me, and not keep trying to analyse something I can’t change.
My more sensitive daughter says my answer to everything, is just get on with it, not completely true,
But I think we will never be free from the past, if we keep letting it distract us from the present.
I know for ladies like Kate, it’s much easier said than done, considering what she’s been through, and I admit I probably spend more time than is healthy trying to work out why she is like she is, but at 95 she’s unlikely to change.

You're welcome Frogoet . I think it's important that the complexities of mental health are considered by those who wish to do so, especially when the discussion's primary focus is narcissistic abuse.

There's been at least one poster who doesn't see the characteristics of a narcissist in her mother, as not all abusers are narcissistic.

Good family counselling can enable a dialogue, while providing a relatively safe and hopefully calm environment for all parties. It can provide a foundation to help re build the relationship or help all involved to come to terms with the fact that there's no way forward, enabling them to let go and move on with their lives.

Not everyone and everyone's situation is the same but what we share from our own experiences and/or the support we try to provide may be helpful to others.

This is a discussion and IMO your post made an informative contribution.

Thank you to Smiles2012 for so accurately describing why I posted here. I completely understand that if all else fails and the emotional damage is so deep there might have to be recourse to a ‘final solution’.
I just wanted to point out the complexities of mental health and that for some, definitely not all, it might be worth considering from all sides.
We all post from our own experience.
Counsellors come in many guises these days and often cannot see the whole picture.
Good family counselling if you can get it enables a dialogue if at all possible. Of course not all would take part/ learn and grow.
But at least there’s a chance to retrieve something. Won’t be right for all but might for some.
I didn’t realise that some would take exception because I ‘dared’ to make comments. I thought that was a discussion.
It used to be.

That's a good point icanhandthemback.

It's wonderful that she allows you to have so much contact with your grand son. If she really believed you were a narcissist and toxic, it's unlikely this would be the case, especially leaving him with you.

If she is a narcissist, it will because it suits her to let you have the grandchild and the fact that she believes you are a narcissist who would then damage her child won't make much of a difference either. |The thing with a narcissist is that it is always their agenda which comes first. Even when you celebrate an act which seems kind or generous, you soon find the hidden agenda!

You were fortunate Livelove that your parents eventually relinquished their parental role and enabled your aunt to bring you up in a loving and caring environment. Perhaps they had enough self awareness to understand that they were abusing you even if they were unable to correct their behaviour.

With regard to your situation with your daughter, why is the question that for many will never be answered. Labels can help to bring about an understanding of why someone behaves as they do, but they can also be used to hurt.

It's wonderful that she allows you to have so much contact with your grand son. If she really believed you were a narcissist and toxic, it's unlikely this would be the case, especially leaving him with you.

That's why narcissism isn't often diagnosed eddie. The very nature of a narcissist is that there isn't anything wrong with them, it's everyone else who has a problem so they rarely feel the need to seek help.

Yes, it's good that people have been helped by this thread

Violetsky, if it helps you, it can only be good.
But for me, I don’t think it makes any difference.

And a quick look back through the thread will show you every "label" an abuser made their victims carry for a lot of their life. Like "worthless", "never amount to anything", "over sensitive" etc

Yet we aren't using labels to hurt anyone, not even the people who abused us. We are only using them to help ourselves

Look at it like, knowing what shoe size you are makes sure you buy the right size shoes

Knowing how someone abused you helps you identify and get help that is the right fit for you

And learning about the characteristics of such people can help us protect ourselves and people we love from them in future too

I have concerns over all this labelling especially as most of it is done by untrained people . My sister-in-law has all of the characteristics but would never go to a gp let alone a psychologist as in her eyes there is nothing wrong with her. I don't think defining her as a narcissist would make her any easier to deal with than simply saying she is a difficult person . It might be "easier" if these people had a physical issue that caused their behaviour but, as far as I know, this isn't the case.
We all have quirks in our personalities - some good, some bad. Where does the labelling stop?

No I agree, putting a label on it won’t make any difference, and when I read some of the heartbreaking stories on this thread, I feel like I actually got off quite lightly.

Sago

Most of the above describes a narc.

Yes, that's what I thought. However, I agree with VS, it doesn't matter what you call it, it is still damaging behaviour and it is good Sara1954 is free from it.

Sara1954

That does not describe my mother

It doesn't matter really, not really

You know you didn't deserve her treatment, that is the main thing

That does not describe my mother

Read up on the condition and I think it will start to make sense.
As other posters have said previously when the penny drops you will have a greater understanding of why and how your mother treated you the way she did.

It’s good to know it’s them and not you with the problem.

Narcissists are very clever, often charming and will work very hard to make sure they have their “flying monkeys” .
These are people that will give them empathy, adoration and will believe everything they say.

My mothers flying monkeys are still snubbing me!

I apparently fleeced her financially, she told a solicitor she couldn’t grant me her only living child POA because I had taken money from her.

As a result of this it took me a year to get deputyship.
She was in a home by this time and seriously demented.
The local authorities told me they had done a deferred payment scheme but they hadn’t.
I had final demands for tens of thousands of pounds landing on my doorstep.
Her four bedroom house was haemorrhaging money and I was not legally allowed to go in, I only did so with a witness!

I was having panic attacks, I was in a very depressed state, she had left me with a huge problem.

When she died her priest said he had been to my house many times, I didn’t understand as I had never met him.
She had told him I had made her sign the house into my name!
It was as though she had managed to cause me trouble from the grave.

Thank goodness she died during Covid and I didn’t have the charade of a funeral.

She also bypassed me in her will.

@VioletSky what in earth are you on about ?

Violetsky/Sago
It never occurred to me.

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Hello to all on this focus. I feel that I can share after 30 years. My experience with my Mom and Dad and I say this because my great Aunt raised me God bless her so very much. My Mom and Dad were mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive with me and my brother growing up the 20% of the time I was " stuck with them was a nightmare. As a child I was able to reach out to a school counselor for help and eventually they just gave up and allowed my Aunt to raise me . By them giving up was the one thing that they did that I give them credit for.Many of children out there suffer with abuse because their mom, dad, or whom ever their main caretaker is wants to not be shunned by society, or even worse don't realize their psychological issues. I received unconditional love from my Aunt and gave the love back . When I was 21 I had a baby girl, I was so thrilled yet it was a bit difficult being a single mother .....but I loved her unconditionally and basically made sure she was first no abuse I swear If you lit me up i would have footprints all over me . Every thing was good untill she turned 12 , why??? I still don't know she then turned to be a abusive verbally, and emotionally towards me belittling me until this day no hug or kiss or I love you pure darkness.....once again why ???? I don't know I would try speaking with her to work whatever it was out so we could get along . I was then called Toxic, narcissistic and I was in shock I did my research and not at all did I carry those traits yet I allowed her to bring me down she's now 27 I'm 50 and my grandson is 5 he's my other half. I'm appreciated she lets me have him every weekend and more. I guess I just wanted to share a promotion of my life and the word excuse me "narcissistic and toxic. Very best much respect to all . Hl