Strength after narcissistic abuse

I know I am a better person without my mother in my life.
She made me the worst possible version of myself, even I didn’t like me.
I’m happy you’re feeling the benefits Violet.

Thank you, I feel like the person I always should have been now I have uninstalled all the trigger buttons she put there

Thanks for sharing this! I absolutely think there's strength in overcoming narcissistic abuse. It takes brute strength (emotionally) to break out of the cycle.

A lot of people say estranging their family member was very hard, and it is. But actually cutting contact with my mother was probably the easiest part for me. All the work that came before it was way harder. I was not raised to think for myself and that's what trapped me.

Looking back I can see my mother's behavior get more and more extreme and desperate as I became my own person. I'm grateful for the lesson her escalations have taught me about narcissists in general.

Now that I've seen how a narcissist handles conflict ("Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender" or "DARVO") I can't unsee it and that is powerful.

Everybody wants to think their mother loves them but sometimes it isn't true. In the end, sometimes they are just another narcissist in a world full of them. It says nothing about me as a person.

I also haven't missed her for a second. Not a single second. That is shocking but empowering.

My mother isn’t a narcissist, she’s just an emotionally cold and unpleasant person.
I know I’ve said this before, but at the risk of being boring, I feel completely liberated.
She’s very old now, but wild horses wouldn’t drag me back there.

It's a good feeling!

Sure is Violet

No risk of you being boring Sara. It's good to be able to experience that feeling of liberation isn't it, especially if you thought you never would.

My mil was like this and only felt free of her when she died. Tried for forty years to please her when really I should have broke this years ago Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Yes, I should walked away years before, but I couldn’t do it while my dad was alive.
I also felt I had to keep trying, and I did, but I look back and think I let her drag me down for so many years.
But as you say Harris, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

‘*I have come to understand, it was never really about me, it was about them and their unhappiness in life.*
So Violetsky - knowing that, couldn’t you have forgiven your mother? My marriage wasn’t the best (now divorced) due to a philandering husband. As a result, I don’t think I was the best mother. I was always angry. My children tell me that, but they understand and I think they have forgiven me. Btw, I don’t consider myself narcissistic.
I am sorry you had an abusive mother. My heart goes out to you.

I do forgive her

I just don't want to have to forgive her again

Thank you

I don’t think I can forgive my mother, but I do understand some of her reasons

Hello everyone on this thread - I read the article with interest . Actually when I opened the link I expected to see something from a medical paper or something similar.
This is piece of writing that’s been Goigled on line .
What worries me slightly is just how easily the word narcissist or narcissistic are bandied about possibly in the wrong context . Now whilst I realise that someone can display narcissistic traits , I feel the terminology could be interchangeable with , say , controlling, manipulative and various other words describing unpleasant qualities. My point is that someone who is a true narcissist is possibly suffering from narcissistic personality disorder which is quite a different thing from just being a bit unpleasant. Do any of these people who you refer to in this thread have such a medical diagnosis? Don’t you think it’s a tad unfair to give someone a label purely because you don’t particularly like them . Wouldn’t it be fairer to actually say something like “ I went NC from my really annoying controlling spiteful mother “ which is probably far more accurate than stating this person is mentally ill ? Doesn’t narcissistic sound so much more serious thereby making your case for estrangement appear to be a much more reasonable and valid one ? Can’t you just say we had a personality clash - I would suggest in most cases this is far more likely . Using terminology like narcissistic etc in such a cavalier fashion is extremely unfyto poor individuals who really do suffer from mental illness . It’s exactly the same as when people in total ignorance say they’re a “ bit OCD” . I can tell you being a bit OCD doesn’t exist, OCD ruins your life much in the same way as suffering from narcissistic personality disorder or even simply narcissistic traits . How do I know this you might ask - because my life is destroyed by OCD. and has been for the last 30 years .

@Sarah1954 you are the only poster on this thread who’s introduced another possible explanation ie not narcissistic, but something else . Thank you

Ladysusie - well said 👍

Well I had never heard the term narcissist at the time, but she doesn’t fit the description anyway, I just don’t like her, and if she’s honest, I don’t think she likes me.

It's just a word

There is a word to name every shade of green imaginable so it's not really surprising we also have words that describe all the nuances of human behaviour

Anyway, I don't worry about it, I have a good vocabulary and can understand whatever words people prefer

@VioletSky it is NOT just a word as you ought to know .
It certainly isn’t a shade of green- narcissist describes a very serious mental heath condition.
Don’t pretend you think it’s “ just a word “ .
Ok then “ ignoramous “ is just a word too ………………………

@Sarah that’s a perfectly rational explanation for you don’t get on - you didn’t accuse anyone of being mentally ill x

My therapist advised me of the word in relation to my mother and my specific symptoms so I am happy to continue using it in my personal situation.

Thank you

I would never comment on your personal situation Violetsky, but I tend to agree with Ladysuisei that the term is a bit overused, some people are just plain nasty.

What about physical abuse and neglect? How do we forgive that? Any ideas?

This was recommended to me before I estranged and it saved my life when I was so low and thought I couldn't continue any more.

parrishmiller.com/narcissists/

I don’t think you can Kate