Strength after narcissistic abuse

My brothers and myself were witness to appalling behaviour by our parents. I don’t mean trivial stuff, shocking , appalling behaviour. My brothers took their own lives in their 20s so my parents certainly paid a price. For whatever reason I am incredibly strong as a human but I have zero expectations or boundaries where others have treated me. It’s my normal. Only those such as kate1949,Sago and others who have lived such a childhood know what a nightmare it is and how powerless children are. I think one needs to understand that the ability to have sex and any children born from that act does not make parents. It is an insult to proper parents to give them the title in my opinion. They are basically children who didn’t grow up apart from the ability to have sex. That’s how I view the two that had me. Just overgrown self centred irresponsible children.

Kate1949, sago , VioletSky and everyone else who's life has been bound up with this - love to you all.
It often feels like I am living in a parallel universe, I cannot 'get over, come to terms or forgive' . If prefer to believe that my mother was mentally ill because if she wasn't her behaviour was truly horrific. I have crafted a life such as I can manage albeit small and safe and boring but I no longer search for answers to why it happened. Hope everyone can find peace x

I just have to say, I take my hat off to you brave lovely warriors! You are true survivors and I applaud you!

I had a pretty dysfunctional childhood, however it was clear my parents loved me, they just loved each other more.

I hope you’ve all found a way to cope, move on and feel at peace.

I agree with you - we all have a ‘healthy’ level of narcissism which is neccessary for normal self esteem . Yes those that swing too far into unhealthy narcissism ie too much or full blown NPD means they cannot and will not consider the needs of others, their sense of entitlement, importance and the way they will do anything even hurt others to meet their own needs is truely mad. I agree this needs to be better explained, with different terminology. You cannot reason with them as I’m sure you know all too well.

JosieGc

keepingquiet, I take my hat off to you. A narcissistic person is petrifying, they know no limitations or boundaries , they haven’t a normal conscience and that is truely scary. You are very brave. Keep leaning on your truth and what you know to be so. Its so easy to get sucked into the continuous cycle of the awful actions not matching the words with a narcissistic person particularly if they are still in your life. They play on making you doubt yourself and like you say get others around you to doubt you too. One of the most difficult things is speaking about narcissistic abuse to normal people because the responses are ‘no, they wouldn’t have meant it like that’ Their goodness means they can’t believe that another human would behave this way. Oh no they would and they do. But it makes those that suffer feel lonely. Which is why support groups therapy and talking to people that know is so crucial in recovery Xx

We are narcisstic to some degree- we wouldn't survive otherwise. But I have tried to make my point that NPD (wich I think should be re-named to avoid the confusing of the two things) is a whole different ball-game altogether.
You are right about the loneliness, though although I don't think support groups would help me and therapy really hasn't either (and it has cost me a lot).
I also don't think I have anything to 'recover' from. I will have to deal with this person for some time to come and therefore feel it is about managing the constant and petty triggers that can send me into a downward spiral and keeping my self confidence where it should be- no better, no worse than anyone else.

Thank you VS. I'm sorry you suffered as you did.

Kate It's a complete tragedy for any child to be raised in such an environment and there is so much help and support out there because it's recognised as so damaging and toxic.

It's very similar in a way because just as your father became addicted to alcohol a narcissist becomes addicted to the feeling of causing pain to others and both are trying to fill an empty void in themselves.

Both able to present as charming and even kind and giving while they hide the abuse they commit at home.

You deserved so so much better and no one deserves your forgiveness

Oh Kate there are no words .

My father wasn't evil. He was selfish. He lived life his way, his family were incidental. Yes he was alcoholic and that could be blamed. However, on the occasion he beat me badly and my sister so badly her hair was falling out, he was sober. He came from a lovely, decent Irish family, he was handsome, intelligent and good company to outsiders. I don't know what went wrong with him.

One or other or maybe a combination of the two Sara.

There's a lovely song by Chris Rea entitled 'Tell Me There's a Heaven'. If you you've never heard it and can't find it, if you google you can read the lyrics.

You'll probably need a tissue handy Sara, I can never play it without having a cry.

At first I wondered, what is it about me that made me a target for this individual?

Then I realised she was present when I was talking to someone else who was having a difficult time with her mother and that friend said that she envies me being estranged

She was trapped too, Kate1949. Poor woman, not easy to leave in those days.

I have a situation now where I need to be close to someone very like my mother. Even just a year ago this would have had me in bits.

Now every veiled put down and implied criticism and "joke" I just smile and get on with what I need to do.

I've learnt so much on how to recognize and deal with people like this, it's so freeing to be unhurt by it and watch the wind taken out of her sails

Smileless, I agree, and there are just too many of these utterly heartbreaking cases.
My husband always gets upset about anything to do with abuse/murder of children, I just say it must be drugs, but really I’m thinking it’s pure evil. What else can it be?

Why do some adults do this? it's impossible to comprehend isn't it Callistemon.

I can no longer listen too or read the news reports when yet another little child is abused by their parents, step parent or parent's partner to the point of death.

Gosh Sago my heart goes out to you. There’s a very specific crulety with mothers that are narcissists, their children are truely some of the bravest people to go through all they do. I’m sorry this happened and you didnt get the mother you deserve. Xx

Callistemon. I have no idea. My 'father' was a violent, alcoholic, abusive man. He thought of no one but himself. He wore smart clothes and swanned about from pub to pub while giving his wife very little, some weeks no money for pay bills and look after 7 children. She was a country girl from Ireland. She had no one to turn to and anyway would have been too ashamed to tell. What went on in that house was awful to say the least. However, she made sure we were fed and clothed. She should have taken us and left.

keepingquiet, I take my hat off to you. A narcissistic person is petrifying, they know no limitations or boundaries , they haven’t a normal conscience and that is truely scary. You are very brave. Keep leaning on your truth and what you know to be so. Its so easy to get sucked into the continuous cycle of the awful actions not matching the words with a narcissistic person particularly if they are still in your life. They play on making you doubt yourself and like you say get others around you to doubt you too. One of the most difficult things is speaking about narcissistic abuse to normal people because the responses are ‘no, they wouldn’t have meant it like that’ Their goodness means they can’t believe that another human would behave this way. Oh no they would and they do. But it makes those that suffer feel lonely. Which is why support groups therapy and talking to people that know is so crucial in recovery Xx

We are🙏.
Thank you.

Kste1949 and sago sending hugs.

What you endured sounds like sheer cruelty; no child should have to live like that but sadly, they do. Why do some adults do this? 😡

I know there are people out there with NPD who do seek help.

I think what happens with those who become abusive is a choice and once that choice is made it is too late to turn back.

I watched my mother destroy many relationships with her behaviour growing up, to the point we moved home almost every year. Up to a certain point I was an object dressed up like a doll.

As I grew older her focus narrowed solely to me and she became more able to keep relationships with others while focusing all her negative attention my way. That's why we call victims scapegoats.

The same pattern a lot of you have mentioned on this thread. Abuse is hidden and the victim convinced they are deserving of it.

By the time the relationship has broken down and victims start to realize that actually, they do not and never have deserved this treatment... It is far too late for the abuser to seek help. They have lied to long to cover abuse. They will lose everything and everyone because very few can forgive the abuse of a child.

So we seek help. We seek information, we seek professional support, we seek each other. Then we realise we are survivors, strong and more resilient than we know... Sometimes we have to be told that many times to believe it.

To everyone estranged due to a lifetime of abuse. You are amazing.

That's it exactly sago. I can honestly say I was terrified every day as a child. Unfortunately that fear has never left me. I am now mistrustful and fearful of life, even the smallest things can make me shake with fear, especially after subsequent events in adulthood. I constantly expect the worst as that is what I'm used to. As you say, at least we are not alone.

Kate1949

Those of us who had childhoods like sago's are survivors. As you say Sara we must be strong although most days I personally feel the opposite. However I am still here which says something I suppose.

It’s so hard isn’t it?
I do really well most of the time but the smallest thing can tip me over , I get a lump in my throat and I feel like my 12 year old self.
It’s such a help to know we are not alone.

Kate, most definitely, you are survivors, you can be proud of that at least. You win in the end.

Those of us who had childhoods like sago's are survivors. As you say Sara we must be strong although most days I personally feel the opposite. However I am still here which says something I suppose.